• Guest - w'd love to know what you think about the forum! Take the 2025 Survey »

Unsupportive Spouse

SunnyD4494 said:
Is everyone else's partner suppotive/helpful? I was diagnosed 3 years ago, I'm female, now aged 39 with 2 girls who are now 10 & 8. I feel my husband doesn't give a **** and I'm in it alone.

Post edited by moderator to remove swearing.
Click to expand...

Hi Sunny. I read your post and although my first thought was to say dump him I realise of course that you have children and a family life so that is hardly an option. I wonder, what is your husband like generally, is he loving and supportive in all other aspects? I ask because sometimes this attitude of not seeming to 'give a ….' comes from an inability to acknowledge that you have a serious health condition, ie, a way of him not wanting to believe it and therefore refusing to accept it. My husband, who is a man of few words which is fine because I have enough for two of us, hardly EVER speaks about my condition, he tries when I speak about it to him and he is the most supportive and lovely person I have ever met, but he does not talk about it in any depth (which is fine by me) and I know that deep down he is horrified and upset by it all. He is the type that may not say much BUT he most certainly does care deeply. If your hubbie is a g*t then I sympathise but if on the other hand your Husband is generally a nice bloke in all other aspects, then it may be possible you have taken his attitude as indifference when it may be 'I can't talk about it or I will break down'. Can you tell us more? x
 
Last edited:
Thank you KK. I do sometimes wonder whether life apart would be easier. We have been married for 12 1/2 years but the past 10years have been up and down for many reasons. I became a stay at home mum, so money was tight. My kids are my world and come 100% first, which again causes tension (often). I have worked part time for the past 5 years which isn't a great wage but means I do the same hours whilst the girls are at school and have all school holidays off. This again causes arguments as I should earn more. I do 99% of chores in the home, my husband has twice picked the kids up and once taken them to school. I feel like I'm a slave most days picking up after him (clothes, cups, sweet wrappers etc). By the time bedtime comes I'm exhausted and have little-no desire to make love.

He has occasionally shown an interest in my diabetes, but doesn't understand it. When I go low he asks if I need to inject, despite me telling him a hundred times no need food. He doesn't get how urgent these situations are and leaves me to get on with it. (My eldest daughter thankfully is amazing and can assist).

I'm thinking next time I'm at the clinic they could give me the leaflets so that he can read the information.

On the plus side we do mostly enjoy each others company. Sorry for the long post and negativity.
 

Ah. Well all the best to you Sunny, he really does need to understand your diabetes and take it seriously, it is not something to be treated lightly. It can be a life or death situation as you know and HE certainly needs to get his head out of the sand or he becomes yet another liability instead of a help. x
 
I know, that's what hurts the most. I guess he either doesn't understand or he doesn't care. Either way I'm in it alone. Thank you for listening x
 
@SunnyD4494 It must be very frustrating that you feel your spouse is un supportive with your diabetes. It must make things difficult. Marriage and relationships can be very hard, especially when children come along. I have been married 40 years this year and I too gave up work. It wasn’t until years later I realised how much pressure my husband had felt over finances, being the only wage earner. One thing I would say, though I know it might cause offence it is not meant to. You say you put your children 100% first and it causes tension. Perhaps he too feels unsupported. You both obviously need to put aside some time to talk rationally about how you both feel. Best wishes.
 

I think the diabetes is a red herring. He's not very nice and if you were posting this on Mumsnet instead (for example), posters would be pointing out how he's taking you completely for granted. It might be that he has worries of his own but he's being really unkind, lazy and selfish.

Is it that you feel you have to stick it out because you don't have much of an income of your own? Have you had your self-esteem worn down by his verbal abuse? If you were to leave, he'd have to step up with the kids and housework on the days he had them or he'll be liable for a lot more in maintenance if he can't have them overnight.

Sorry you have to deal with this.
 
this is a red flag. Just this on its own. Please talk to someone about this.
 
lucylocket61 said:
this is a red flag. Just this on its own. Please talk to someone about this.
Click to expand...
I don't do as many hours as my husband therefore it's only fair I do more things in the home. I suppose I've just carried on doing everything whilst my hours increased (now do 32hrs, but only on just above minimum wage). Whilst my husband is a skilled worker but can do very long days 8-9pm sometimes.
 
32 hours is only just short of full time and you're running around after children. Doing more housework may be fair enough, but not having to pick up after another adult.

The red flag is the arguments and the verbal abuse, not doing more housework and childcare, plenty of couples split the work in that way.
 
It all feeds into itself but I don't like the "pile on". @SunnyD4494 could do with informed advice, not drawn assumptions from some member messages assigning guilt.
 
It is helpful not to make assumptions. Both sides have to be taken into account.

My partner could easily be complaining of the same thing. I do very little compared to what I used to do.
We were supposed to hv gone shopping for liver shrinking diet foods yesterday but no he wanted to make a statement. (Mr ickihun's statements last a whole day and is repeated because of his illness). Its hard work!
My complaint is always that controlled conversation is far more helpful than hateful comments said in anger.
Avoid nagging.... its counter productive.

We all hv to get along. No relationship is perfect but never feel bad about your disability. My partner has more than me but its no competition.

Post edited for language
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Reminder:

Ladies and gents, I just wanted to post a reminder that whilst you have logged into the forum to post and make your comments, the internet can be a very public arena. Anyone could stumble across any of these posts, some of which include some fairly personal information, depending upon the search criteria applied. Images as well as words can drive a search.

Thanks for reading.
 
Last edited:
SunnyD4494 said:
He has occasionally shown an interest in my diabetes, but doesn't understand it.
Click to expand...

This can be a reaction to feeling helpless. If one feels helpless they may flip between guilt, denial and anger. Information just flies past them. Doesn't sink in. This perpetuates the helplessness.

SunnyD4494 said:
I'm thinking next time I'm at the clinic they could give me the leaflets so that he can read the information.
Click to expand...

Personally I feel the best way would be to sit down and patiently talk it through with him. Draw sketches on paper, write numbers, draw arrows. "Show and tell" your pens and meter. Be patient and reassuring. I think has a better chance than the leaflets of cutting through the tension and insecurities. With any luck he will start asking questions and trying to clarify things. This is a sign that things are sinking in. It might help to make him feel needed, whether it's helping with lows, understanding highs, or just helping you feel less alone with it.

Please try to judge whether this is appropriate for you or not; no sense antagonising him for no reason.
 
A loving relationship is possible and deserved and it sounds like you need some counseling with him to see if you can reach an acceptable path together. Because right now it's tearing you apart. Type 1 and all of it's issues will not go away.

My husband did not marry me when I had diabetes and while someone that doesn't have type 1 can never really truly understand what we go through, they can be supportive. My husband will get me my OJ if I ask, My husband will wake me up when my alarm goes off and I'm trying to ignore it. My husband will go into the market to buy me that OJ if I need it. My husband will ask lol if my sugar is dropping when I get irritable. Sure he will ignore the alarms most of the time, because he knows it is just alarms, and he has also been known to say again????? We both work around my type 1 when needed. He is not perfect, I'm not trying to say he is, but he knows I do not have a "choice" being a type 1 and that it is just part of life now.

It is never going to be perfect, you can just do the best you can and a loving partner will understand that.
 
You don’t need to apologise for his appalling behaviour, do something about it now, you owe it to yourself, family and friends. Domestic Violence takes many forms. No form of Domestic Violence is acceptable.
 
Just an added note. If you are having problems with a spouse accepting your diabetes and you want to have children. You really need to consider the fact that diabetes is often an inherited disease and your children could end up with it. If your spouse is not treating you well and helping you, if they are not dealing with it well, how are they going to deal with it if one of your kids has it? Think about the same behavior towards a child? Get counseling before you make that decision of having kids.
 
While genes do play a part in developing diabetes, inheritance is not guaranteed.
 
Inheritance is not guaranteed, it's just more common. My uncle had type 1, but my siblings and parents did not. None of the children do yet, I say yet because while they are older, I didn't develop mine until I was older but my uncle did when he was younger.

But I had run across several mother and daughters at type 1 meetings before I moved and on another forum there is someone who is type 1 and her 3 kids are all type 1. Talk about stressful.

I was just trying to make a point that if you have a un supportive husband and one that makes living with type 1 more difficult and hard, bringing a kid into that mix might not be a good idea, especially with a bad attitude towards diabetes, because you could end up with a kid with it too.
 
Sorry to hear you are struggling and sorry to hear you don’t feel supported. I have to say though that my diabetes is very rarely mentioned between my hubby and I. It’s my issue for me to deal with and I tend to live my life as if it’s not there most of the time. I don’t hide taking my insulin but I don’t think he has ever asked or even had a discussion about it or assisted me with a hypo in the past 10 years. On reading the reply’s to your post I do feel a bit sad that I don’t get the support but that’s life! I will say however as a mum of three young children it will get harder with pregnancy and kids so be prepared and make sure YOU are ready.
 


For me he is a selfish oik and needs to take a long hard look at himself.... i would be telling him how it is and will be and if he didnt like it tough... your health and the management of your condition is paramount...you dont need telling of the consequences of type 1 mismanagemnt... clearly he cant be relied upon, i ask myself is this a marriage that can survive - only you can answer that but he is totally at fault not you in my opinion!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Menu
Log in
Register
Cookies are required to use this site. You must accept them to continue using the site. Learn More.…