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What is reasonable?

Fayefaye1429

Fayefaye1429

Well-Known Member
Messages
809
Location
Durham
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Pump
It's a random question that can be personal but I am wondering thoughts on this as a general thought.
Example:

If you were poorly to the point that you had been to hospital twice And told to go home but it's crucial to be monitor for the next 24hours. If your partner who has gone through this many times leaves for a business what do you think is reasonable in that situation? I guess what I am asking is is it when we are ill a partner should say home? Or not? Love to hear thoughts as I think it's an interesting thought
 
No I don't think it is reasonable to be honest. Yes companies have to allow employees time off for emergency family care but I have had a number of incidents that either myself or hubby have been poorly and no, the partner does not become a carer. They ensure that the other person has easy access to phone, or to a flask of soup or jug of water etc..

In 30 + years of T1 my partner has only had time off for me once and that was couple weeks ago for my blocked bowel... As I was too busy sceaming my head off in pain to do anything.

I have had an incident years ago where I had an ambulance called out and my hubby was contacted at work by our Solicitor (long story) to inform him. My hubby said he would phone me to check if I was ok but he wasn't leaving work!!
 
Fayefaye1429 said:
If you were poorly to the point that you had been to hospital twice And told to go home but it's crucial to be monitor for the next 24hours. If your partner who has gone through this many times leaves for a business what do you think is reasonable in that situation? I guess what I am asking is is it when we are ill a partner should say home? Or not? Love to hear thoughts as I think it's an interesting thought
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So what happens about the monitoring if that person lives on their own? :)
 
Good points made. Just to throw a twist in what happens if the partner simply pops the person in bed and goes away let's say a week but the illness means they can barely move because of pain for food etc no one to check in the person?
 
This is when a friend/neighbour can be a godsend. I have always worked until recently and my husband worked away all week. For a planned operation my husband had a week off work (holiday) the only time i needed someone there.

Since I recently retired I have told my neighbour (who is even older than me!) to ring me in an emergency or if she can't drive for any reason as I am at home most of the time; we live in a small village with no shop etc., not even a pub. I have also told friends the same thing although they already knew that and I have been called at 2.00am on one occasion to help with a colicking horse!

As a "one off" it is OK for a partner to have a day/few days off but it seems unfair to your employer and work colleagues to keep doing it. I once had a couple of days off work (holiday) at short notice to help a friend out but I knew that it was OK to do so, no deadlines looming, client meetings, etc. and OK with the boss and department.
 
Interesting thoughts Arab horse I agree as a one off its cool otherwise trying to find some other help sort of like a emergency tree system.

I wonder what just to throw this out if your partner had never taken time off but left for a week say and you have no family nearby a little friends
 
As @CarbsRok has pointed out not everyone has an available partner, so many people do have to manage on their own if they're ill.

My husband used to work abroad for at least 3 month every year so there was no way he could take time off if I became ill on these occasions. I used to suffer from chronic and debilitating migraines that might last for several days at their worst, and I just made sure that we had a bedside phone installed that I could use if there was an emergency.

Robbity
 
Fayefaye1429 said:
But I do love the neighbour idea great ones are so hard to find but gold when do
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Family or friends who could pop in when your in bed ill for any length of time?

TBH I wouldn't expect my wife to stay at home unless I was extremely poorly and couldn't manage on my own.
 
A friend of mine (single, living alone in a tiny end of terrace, a car ride from the shops) recently had 2 knee replacement ops in a year.

She knew the ops were coming, and prepared, arranged food deliveries, slept in a downstairs reclining chair. She couldn't drive each time, so was effectively housebound for 6 weeks each time. She looked after 4 dogs and 1 cat (food and toilet trips) throughout.

No family to help out, and get this, she refused to let me call around or visit, shop, clean, cook, or help her wash. Her desire to be by herself when feeling dreadful, outweighed her desire for help.

This was astonishing, and I was stunned at her capacity and her desire for independence.

I have a deep respect for her while telling her how **** stupid i thought she was being.

It is incredible how much we can cope with, when we need to. But it isn't always a good thing.
 
I live on my own, my family live abroad. I'm lucky I have wonderful friends and neighbours but I would never impose or expect them to care for me. Most of them work anyway but are happy to phone or pop in. I've had years of ill health and you just learn to manage. Keep emergency supplies and never run out of meds just in case it's tomorrow I can't get out of bed. I also own a loud alarm clock which I set if I have to take extra meds or do extra testing. You just do it. Sue xxx
 
Fayefaye1429 said:
It's a random question that can be personal but I am wondering thoughts on this as a general thought.
Example:

If you were poorly to the point that you had been to hospital twice And told to go home but it's crucial to be monitor for the next 24hours. If your partner who has gone through this many times leaves for a business what do you think is reasonable in that situation? I guess what I am asking is is it when we are ill a partner should say home? Or not? Love to hear thoughts as I think it's an interesting thought
Click to expand...

Doing my best in the Devil's Advocate role here, but so much would depend on the maturity of the relationship, and what your commitments are to each other. Even when living together (and I have no idea if that's the case), sometimes each partner's view of what it means and where their want/need to flex or compromise for the other differs.

We also don't know what is or isn't depending on his business trip. Perhaps his employer voiced concerns last time he took time off to be with you and suggested it wasn't looking good for him. Whether it's that or something else, maybe he hasn't shared the feedback he gets from work back to you, for fear of upsetting you further. Perhaps he doesn't understand how serious your situation is, or doesn't have the same view of monitoring. Maybe's going to be in touch a lot.

Whatever the situation, what we feel is irrelevant, because I have a feeling if you didn't think it was unreasonable, you would not have posted your thread.
It's up to you how you deal with the situation you find yourself in. Not understanding your situation, or what the implications are for you not being monitored (could be anything from you might need a cuppa to something more serious), it would be stupid. I'm sure if you felt yourself to be in danger the contacting your GP, 911 or 999 are always options for you. If your GP was informed of you coming home from hospital, and the need for monitoring, they make contact with you.

I hope you feel better soon.
 
Oh dear I feel I may have miss lead people on this one and I can sense people's possible anger. I am afraid I wasn't discussing my own life. It's basically a story I was told recently and it got me thinking and wondered what people thought as I can see both sides of the argument. I may have clumsy written what I was trying to say which I do struggle with so apologises on that but didn't quite expect this feedback it was just meant as a friendly I wonder. I'll keep it to myself from now on
 
Fayefaye1429 said:
Oh dear I feel I may have miss lead people on this one and I can sense people's possible anger. I am afraid I wasn't discussing my own life. It's basically a story I was told recently and it got me thinking and wondered what people thought as I can see both sides of the argument. I may have clumsy written what I was trying to say which I do struggle with so apologises on that but didn't quite expect this feedback it was just meant as a friendly I wonder. I'll keep it to myself from now on
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Circumstances dictate relationships.

I would retire again if I could! I can't!
The wife would be properly cared for, but we can't claim!
We have no choice but to compromise our working/carer relationship!
Friends and family help, but you don't like to ask!
Some companies are not interested in your personal life.

Circumstances dictate relationships! It's what a lot of people in this country have to cope with!

Keep asking and wondering!
 
Fayefaye1429 said:
Oh dear I feel I may have miss lead people on this one and I can sense people's possible anger. I am afraid I wasn't discussing my own life. It's basically a story I was told recently and it got me thinking and wondered what people thought as I can see both sides of the argument. I may have clumsy written what I was trying to say which I do struggle with so apologises on that but didn't quite expect this feedback it was just meant as a friendly I wonder. I'll keep it to myself from now on
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@Fayefaye1429 , I don't think anyone's angry, I think it's actually a really good thread! I'd never really thought about it before just got on with it. Everyone close to me jokes about me being too independent and stubborn - maybe they are right! Suppose we all just deal with stuff in different ways. Sue xxxx
 
Fayefaye1429 said:
Oh dear I feel I may have miss lead people on this one and I can sense people's possible anger. I am afraid I wasn't discussing my own life. It's basically a story I was told recently and it got me thinking and wondered what people thought as I can see both sides of the argument. I may have clumsy written what I was trying to say which I do struggle with so apologises on that but didn't quite expect this feedback it was just meant as a friendly I wonder. I'll keep it to myself from now on
Click to expand...

I don't see any anger in the replies; I think it is an interesting subject.

I will quote from my own experience.
My husband worked away all week and he never rang home and I never needed to ring him in an emergency. One day when I got home from work the phone was ringing and it was my sister-in-law to tell me that my husband's brother had had a heart attack. I immediately rang him and just got his "leave a message". I tried all evening to contact him, leaving numerous message that it was urgent that he rang home as soon as he got the message (didn't want to leave a message saying his brother was in intensive care) and my sister-in-law keep ringing. The next morning I tried again several times before work and again when I got to work (1 and a half hour journey) and was just about to go to a meeting at 9.50am where I would not be able to disturbed when he rang me having just picked up my numerous messages. He told me he always switched his mobile off when he left work and promised he would leave it on in future. A few years later I had to ring him in an emergency and got the "number unobtainable" message. Turned out that his company had changed mobile provider 6 months previously and he "forgot to tell me"! So those of us with partners are sometimes no better off than those of us without.

I do think some people take advantage where they could manage without time off work but it is acceptable in a genuine emergency especially if they take holiday rather than expecting to be given extra time off.
 
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