Hello everyone, I'm newly registered here but I've been following this forum for a while. I don't know where to start. In october, it will be 10 years since I'm a Type 1 Diabetic. I'm 20 years old myself. My whole childhood was nothing but a nightmare. I want to talk to somebody because I'm in that stage of my life where I just can't move on.... The problem is, I would need like 20 pages to write my life story. So what should I do? I don't wanna bore anybody, I want to get a lot of replies.
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I just can't do it anymore, it's been nearly 10 years... I have suicidal thoughts
- Thread starter levis95
- Start Date
- Messages
- 4,815
- Location
- sunny north wales
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Pump
- Dislikes
- mean people , gardening , dishonest people , and war.
why can't everyone get on........
- Messages
- 4,815
- Location
- sunny north wales
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Pump
- Dislikes
- mean people , gardening , dishonest people , and war.
why can't everyone get on........
i have 43 years as a type 1 so 20 pages would be a short story for me 
what can you tell us about yourself ?
what can you tell us about yourself ?
Hi
17 years for me. I have a 9 year old son. My life is what I make of it. It's a challenge. I was luck to have a normal life until I was 28 and then it was pulled away from me. I was in the forces pretty good rank and incredibly active when I developed Type 1. You have it all to play for, never look back only forward. You can't change what has already passed so don't get dragged down by what if I had's.
You have many stages ahead of you and you can do what ever you want. Give it a chance talk to people you are not alone. Life can seem **** at times but as I said at the beginning my life is what I make of it. I work in London and I am happy to meet up for a Coffee. I have just landed a job at a large bank. Please keep replying and we will answer you when we can.
By the way I want to here that life story.
Stay strong and chin up!
pleinster
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 1,631
- Location
- Scotland
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Diet only
- Dislikes
- ignorance
Hi. I'm actually Type 2 but thought I'd chuck in my tuppence worth. I have a lot of tuppences...my life story (at 53) would run to a trilogy...but no one would want to read it, like my novels! Anyway, reading between the lines...diabetes doesn't seem to be your big problem here - I mean, it is a problem obviously, but - clearly - it's not what made your childhood a nightmare. Could have been health...maybe family...pressure...fitting in....tolerating deeper pain...and until you maybe release some of that (either by developing strategies or through counselling or just talking to a non-judgemental stranger - qualified or not), every thing that comes along that's **** will just add to feelings of powerlessness. Pulling your socks up - won't help...it will make you tidier is all! I absolutely don't wan to be at all dismissive..but it is crucial that you know that lots of people have stories and experiences that they carry around in their hearts heads like bits of poisonous lead...and you are not alone. we are, I really believe, all of us variations on a theme. We can keep it all inside and hurt...or we can share. Sometimes moving on..is about letting go. I hope you are not offended by this reply. Give yourself a break from trying to solve it all by yourself... Paul
- Messages
- 18,860
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Insulin
Hi,
My suggestion is have a word with your doc who can/should refer you to "counselling"..
How are your sugar levels? Highs can compound stuff.
Though no expert. I kind of roll with what @pleinster is saying..
Yep, I've been diabetic for nearly 40 years. But other stuff has happened where I just needed to "check my head"?
Feel free to check in here and "sound off" though...
My suggestion is have a word with your doc who can/should refer you to "counselling"..
How are your sugar levels? Highs can compound stuff.
Though no expert. I kind of roll with what @pleinster is saying..
Yep, I've been diabetic for nearly 40 years. But other stuff has happened where I just needed to "check my head"?
Feel free to check in here and "sound off" though...
Ellla's Nanny
Member
- Messages
- 16
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Insulin
Yes, please go and tell your Dr and they 'can' help, as I know it's not good or easy to deal with to have suicidal thoughts xx
Robinredbreast
Oracle
- Messages
- 18,446
- Location
- Planet Earth
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Insulin
- Dislikes
- Bullies, Liars, Trolls and dishonest cruel people
Hi levis, so sorry to hear you are feeling so down and out. Some helpful people on here, but could it be diabetes burnout or depression, do you suffer from depression ? It really is best to go and see your GP for help and support and get everything out in the open, even if it means making a double appointment (could you take someone, a close friend or family member along )?
Please keep posting and I wish you all the colours of the rainbow..................except blue.
Please take care, best wishes RRB
Please keep posting and I wish you all the colours of the rainbow..................except blue.
Please take care, best wishes RRB
Daibell
Master
Hi. Please let us have a bit more information. Is it the fact that you have to be aware much of the time about injecting, having the right diet etc or is it that you have blood sugar control issues which worry you? We may be able to help a little with guidance on managing the diabetes itself based on our own experience, but it may be you need some counselling to help break a cycle of depression. There are many organisations that can help and the GP can refer you or you can often self-refer.
I think it's good to write your life story - type it up and tell the whole story. You might want to save off posting it on the forum for a day - so you can go back and take out anything you really don't want to share but don't feel ashamed - if you are anonymous then go for it.
When you have suicidal thoughts - I do as well - its a really good idea to talk to someone about them as this helps you put things into perspective. Also its good to remember that those thoughts pass. Mine come when I am very fatigued and are more like a feeling that I just go on anymore. But rest and a sympathetic ear help me move on.
Good luck
catapillar
Well-Known Member
Hi @levis95 , sorry to hear you are feeling like this. If you are having suicidal thoughts do get in touch with www.samaritans.org and speak to your GP - there is support out there. And when it comes to managing the diabetes there is a lot of support on the forum.
Last edited by a moderator:
richyb
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 360
- Location
- worcestershire
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Pump
- Dislikes
- Cold weather
you are feeling low now and I understand. I was there (nearly) a month ago. Went to see my DSN and the final result is a change of insulin. Its still bad but getting better. I did a basal check (no carbs) and it is pretty close. So I am now adjusting my carb ratios. Now feeling better.
What I am saying is once you can get on top of it, it feels good and as if you are winning the battle. A great sense of achievement will be felt.
type 1 for 50yrs
What I am saying is once you can get on top of it, it feels good and as if you are winning the battle. A great sense of achievement will be felt.
type 1 for 50yrs
Squire Fulwood
Expert
- Messages
- 6,111
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Diet only
I see the OP only wrote the one post.
Well... Let's just say I was diagnosed with Diabetes in October 2006, after having diabetes symptoms: waking up during midnight feeling thirsty, and going to the toilet quite often. The next day I went to the local hospital, and I got my blood sugar tested. Guess what, the doctors said it was over 400! I was then sent at the emergency department and got hospitalized. Little did I know, is that I would have to go there every year... I checked my whole family tree and there was not one person who had diabetes.
Now, I believe I got diabetes after a shock, or a trauma. Two weeks before beeing diagnosed with diabetes, when school started, I was in 4th grade, in late September or early October. In the school yard, there was a fight in which I was involved, and I got hit in the chest several times hard, till I suddently lost my breath and bursted into tears due to the pain.
The whole thing lasted 1-2 minutes. Because of my lack of breath, I've cried for almost 2 hours and couldn't attend classes due to my current state. Two weeks after that, I was diagnosed with diabetes! I was never a quite healthy person, prior to diabetes I had kidneys problems, and my immunity was quite weak. After beeing diagnosed as a diabetic, I also found out I had myopia, which was passed from my father. Due to my own fault, because I didn't notice that my eyesight in the right eye was quite bad, I couldn't have detected it earlier so it advanced in a couple of years....
After I returned to school, I noticed to school, I noticed a lot of avoidance from my classmates, and I also remember someone talking behind my back about me beeing a diabetic. Most of them were scared and didn't know what the condition was about! Since then, I've changed...
My school grades became average, or below average. I wasn't able to be consistent at school. I also stopped making new friends, mainly because people avoided me. I felt isolated. I used to hate going to school, and every time I heard the bell ring I was relieved, because I could go home and feel safe "mentally". Did I mention my grades were average to below average? Well yeah... My life stopped there, and I haven't made any progresses for the next couple of years, I used to lock myself in the house and play videogames all day.
During my first years as a diabetic, I wasn't quite serious about my condition, and my blood sugar used to be in the high 200-300 constantly, sometimes 400s. Actually, in 2007, about 4 months after beeing diagnosed, I felt into a hypoglicemic coma during sleep. Luckily, my mother saved me by injecting me glucose.
Due to this condition, I became a dull, lanky, odd person. I lost my appetite of living, I wasn't full of life anymore. Most kids my age were having fun, but I just became too scared to express myself.
Because of my on-going mood swing, I couldn't concentrate too much on a certain thing. I lost interest in hobbies quickly. This is when I stopped getting involved into sports and socializing. Some of my friends couldn't understand me and my condition, this has triggered me to not pick up the phone a lot of times when I was asked to go out with them. Due to my blood sugar levels, I was quite a mess mentally, and didn't want to go out with anybody. When I was outside with them a lot of times, I used to stay quiet and since then I've got myself the reputation of a weird person. At school, I was often used to messing up things when working in pair of groups. Due to this, I became used to work on school projects alone, because then I wouldn't just mess everything up, since I had this huge "pressure" when working with others. I became good at working with "myself".
What else should I mention? Three years ago I was diagnosed with neuropathy, due to poor control of diabetes. Since then, I became scared of Hyperglicemia, and I became obsessed with staying on low levels. How low? 40-70s range. I thought this would avoid further complications...
My HbA1c for the last 3 months is 6.2%, (around 110 mg/dL) and my doctor congratulated me for beeing "disciplined". It was all good until he found out that I am hypoglicemic almost everyday! I have days when I'm hypoglicemic twice or even three times! So that would be a good resume of my diabetes control for the last 2 years, high and lows!
This has left serious marks on my brain and myself, my doctor told me I could develop brain neuropathy because I'm constantly on lows, which are more dangerous than high levels, and the fact that I can't feel them sometimes is quite obvious of the impact it made on me... I guess this would be a reason I've lost my motivation to keep up with everything.
Before drawing conclusions, I want to mention that I was always a skinny person, I never had the appetite to eat a lot, I even used to skip meals when I was on high levels, and my doctors told me to eat more! Even after trying so, I noticed that I couldn't gain weight! In fact, I remember I was once in the hospital, and they wanted to see if I could gain weight. In fact I lost about 1.5 pounds. This has became a problem to my self confidence and I started to hate myself around the age of sixteen... I'm now 20 years old, but I look like a 14 years old kid, and I weight 124 pounds(56kgs), and I'm quite short.
I blame diabetes for my bad developing, because I see ex-classmates with worse genetics than mine who exceeded their dads by a good 3-4 inches! It is possible that I have hypothyroid, but the doctors told me it's not the case...
I wanted to go to gym and try to bulk up, but it seems like an impossible mission. Mainly because of my body build(ectomorph), and after discussing with my doctor, he told me that heavy lifting is not for me, because I have high ocular tension. This was a huge blow for me, because it was my dream to change my body, not becoming a bodybuilder, but become more confident... I hate my looks so bad, because of myopia, my right eye is slightly bigger than the left one, thus giving me a weird look. I never had a girlfriend, but only "close friends" before becoming a diabetic. In the last 6 months, I kinda accepted that I won't have a relationship, but at the same time I hate myself even more. I know that when "diabetes" would come, I'd be dumped.
Yes, I have social anxiety, but I am what the society has made me. The way people judged me, and treated me. I have only 2 close friends which I still keep in contact with, and I only feel confident around them. I can't make any new friends, I just can't! By first impression, people always tag me as "weird". I knew I had slight depression, but during my last hospitalization this year, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I basicly told the doctors that I hate my life and this condition. Doctor told me to take antidepressives, but I didn't tell him about my suicidal thoughts, or else he would've sent me to a psychiatric hospital, I didn't want that, because I don't consider myself mentally ill. I'm just desperate!
Sorry for spelling mistakes, I wrote this earlier, but by mistake I deleted a lot of paragraphs and the draft didn't save it. Almost went nuts rewritting this!
Now, I believe I got diabetes after a shock, or a trauma. Two weeks before beeing diagnosed with diabetes, when school started, I was in 4th grade, in late September or early October. In the school yard, there was a fight in which I was involved, and I got hit in the chest several times hard, till I suddently lost my breath and bursted into tears due to the pain.
The whole thing lasted 1-2 minutes. Because of my lack of breath, I've cried for almost 2 hours and couldn't attend classes due to my current state. Two weeks after that, I was diagnosed with diabetes! I was never a quite healthy person, prior to diabetes I had kidneys problems, and my immunity was quite weak. After beeing diagnosed as a diabetic, I also found out I had myopia, which was passed from my father. Due to my own fault, because I didn't notice that my eyesight in the right eye was quite bad, I couldn't have detected it earlier so it advanced in a couple of years....
After I returned to school, I noticed to school, I noticed a lot of avoidance from my classmates, and I also remember someone talking behind my back about me beeing a diabetic. Most of them were scared and didn't know what the condition was about! Since then, I've changed...
My school grades became average, or below average. I wasn't able to be consistent at school. I also stopped making new friends, mainly because people avoided me. I felt isolated. I used to hate going to school, and every time I heard the bell ring I was relieved, because I could go home and feel safe "mentally". Did I mention my grades were average to below average? Well yeah... My life stopped there, and I haven't made any progresses for the next couple of years, I used to lock myself in the house and play videogames all day.
During my first years as a diabetic, I wasn't quite serious about my condition, and my blood sugar used to be in the high 200-300 constantly, sometimes 400s. Actually, in 2007, about 4 months after beeing diagnosed, I felt into a hypoglicemic coma during sleep. Luckily, my mother saved me by injecting me glucose.
Due to this condition, I became a dull, lanky, odd person. I lost my appetite of living, I wasn't full of life anymore. Most kids my age were having fun, but I just became too scared to express myself.
Because of my on-going mood swing, I couldn't concentrate too much on a certain thing. I lost interest in hobbies quickly. This is when I stopped getting involved into sports and socializing. Some of my friends couldn't understand me and my condition, this has triggered me to not pick up the phone a lot of times when I was asked to go out with them. Due to my blood sugar levels, I was quite a mess mentally, and didn't want to go out with anybody. When I was outside with them a lot of times, I used to stay quiet and since then I've got myself the reputation of a weird person. At school, I was often used to messing up things when working in pair of groups. Due to this, I became used to work on school projects alone, because then I wouldn't just mess everything up, since I had this huge "pressure" when working with others. I became good at working with "myself".
What else should I mention? Three years ago I was diagnosed with neuropathy, due to poor control of diabetes. Since then, I became scared of Hyperglicemia, and I became obsessed with staying on low levels. How low? 40-70s range. I thought this would avoid further complications...
My HbA1c for the last 3 months is 6.2%, (around 110 mg/dL) and my doctor congratulated me for beeing "disciplined". It was all good until he found out that I am hypoglicemic almost everyday! I have days when I'm hypoglicemic twice or even three times! So that would be a good resume of my diabetes control for the last 2 years, high and lows!
This has left serious marks on my brain and myself, my doctor told me I could develop brain neuropathy because I'm constantly on lows, which are more dangerous than high levels, and the fact that I can't feel them sometimes is quite obvious of the impact it made on me... I guess this would be a reason I've lost my motivation to keep up with everything.
Before drawing conclusions, I want to mention that I was always a skinny person, I never had the appetite to eat a lot, I even used to skip meals when I was on high levels, and my doctors told me to eat more! Even after trying so, I noticed that I couldn't gain weight! In fact, I remember I was once in the hospital, and they wanted to see if I could gain weight. In fact I lost about 1.5 pounds. This has became a problem to my self confidence and I started to hate myself around the age of sixteen... I'm now 20 years old, but I look like a 14 years old kid, and I weight 124 pounds(56kgs), and I'm quite short.
I blame diabetes for my bad developing, because I see ex-classmates with worse genetics than mine who exceeded their dads by a good 3-4 inches! It is possible that I have hypothyroid, but the doctors told me it's not the case...
I wanted to go to gym and try to bulk up, but it seems like an impossible mission. Mainly because of my body build(ectomorph), and after discussing with my doctor, he told me that heavy lifting is not for me, because I have high ocular tension. This was a huge blow for me, because it was my dream to change my body, not becoming a bodybuilder, but become more confident... I hate my looks so bad, because of myopia, my right eye is slightly bigger than the left one, thus giving me a weird look. I never had a girlfriend, but only "close friends" before becoming a diabetic. In the last 6 months, I kinda accepted that I won't have a relationship, but at the same time I hate myself even more. I know that when "diabetes" would come, I'd be dumped.
Yes, I have social anxiety, but I am what the society has made me. The way people judged me, and treated me. I have only 2 close friends which I still keep in contact with, and I only feel confident around them. I can't make any new friends, I just can't! By first impression, people always tag me as "weird". I knew I had slight depression, but during my last hospitalization this year, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I basicly told the doctors that I hate my life and this condition. Doctor told me to take antidepressives, but I didn't tell him about my suicidal thoughts, or else he would've sent me to a psychiatric hospital, I didn't want that, because I don't consider myself mentally ill. I'm just desperate!
Sorry for spelling mistakes, I wrote this earlier, but by mistake I deleted a lot of paragraphs and the draft didn't save it. Almost went nuts rewritting this!
Last edited by a moderator:
Hi
At 20 years of age you have it all going. I was 30 when I got married. On the gym thing you can still build fitness. I was a bit of a racing snake myself but bulked out in my late 20's now I can't get it off. I was training for the Royal Marines course when I got diabetes. As I said I was not big but fast. I was an engineer on aircraft. I lost loads of weight and was diagnosed. After serving 12 years I was kicked out within a year, hero to zero.
I have not looked back since then, most of the people I work with have no idea I am a diabetic. As for getting dumped don't worry about that. Anyone who worries that much about it is not right for you anyway.
There is a lot of negativity in your last post (glass half empty). I think Hypos are par for the course if you get your sugars down that well. I have a couple a day as well. I monitor it and treat it (it is a guessing game with carbs, excursive and stress). I would be happy with your HBA1C results.
My advise is do everything to 110% be it exams, work or play. Don't worry about your hight, your body type or what people think. Never look back as you can't change what has gone before so why worry. Always try new activities, this is how you meet people. This can be a lonely world if you isolate yourself (no one can do this for you).
The things you need to worry about are the things you can change. From the responses you got from your post you can see people do care. Hold onto that and use it.
Please forgive my ignorance around depression because I am lucky I don't suffer it as I have no time to think about things (I like it like that).
I take it you are in the US so my offer of a Coffee in London is a bit far to come for.
At 20 years of age you have it all going. I was 30 when I got married. On the gym thing you can still build fitness. I was a bit of a racing snake myself but bulked out in my late 20's now I can't get it off. I was training for the Royal Marines course when I got diabetes. As I said I was not big but fast. I was an engineer on aircraft. I lost loads of weight and was diagnosed. After serving 12 years I was kicked out within a year, hero to zero.
I have not looked back since then, most of the people I work with have no idea I am a diabetic. As for getting dumped don't worry about that. Anyone who worries that much about it is not right for you anyway.
There is a lot of negativity in your last post (glass half empty). I think Hypos are par for the course if you get your sugars down that well. I have a couple a day as well. I monitor it and treat it (it is a guessing game with carbs, excursive and stress). I would be happy with your HBA1C results.
My advise is do everything to 110% be it exams, work or play. Don't worry about your hight, your body type or what people think. Never look back as you can't change what has gone before so why worry. Always try new activities, this is how you meet people. This can be a lonely world if you isolate yourself (no one can do this for you).
The things you need to worry about are the things you can change. From the responses you got from your post you can see people do care. Hold onto that and use it.
Please forgive my ignorance around depression because I am lucky I don't suffer it as I have no time to think about things (I like it like that).
I take it you are in the US so my offer of a Coffee in London is a bit far to come for.
pleinster
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 1,631
- Location
- Scotland
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Diet only
- Dislikes
- ignorance
Well... Let's just say I was diagnosed with Diabetes in October 2006, after having diabetes symptoms: waking up during midnight feeling thirsty, and going to the toilet quite often. The next day I went to the local hospital, and I got my blood sugar tested. Guess what, the doctors said it was over 400! I was then sent at the emergency department and got hospitalized. Little did I know, is that I would have to go there every year... I checked my whole family tree and there was not one person who had diabetes.
Now, I believe I got diabetes after a shock, or a trauma. Two weeks before beeing diagnosed with diabetes, when school started, I was in 4th grade, in late September or early October. In the school yard, there was a fight in which I was involved, and I got hit in the chest several times hard, till I suddently lost my breath and bursted into tears due to the pain.
The whole thing lasted 1-2 minutes. Because of my lack of breath, I've cried for almost 2 hours and couldn't attend classes due to my current state. Two weeks after that, I was diagnosed with diabetes! I was never a quite healthy person, prior to diabetes I had kidneys problems, and my immunity was quite weak. After beeing diagnosed as a diabetic, I also found out I had myopia, which was passed from my father. Due to my own fault, because I didn't notice that my eyesight in the right eye was quite bad, I couldn't have detected it earlier so it advanced in a couple of years....
After I returned to school, I noticed to school, I noticed a lot of avoidance from my classmates, and I also remember someone talking behind my back about me beeing a diabetic. Most of them were scared and didn't know what the condition was about! Since then, I've changed...
My school grades became average, or below average. I wasn't able to be consistent at school. I also stopped making new friends, mainly because people avoided me. I felt isolated. I used to hate going to school, and every time I heard the bell ring I was relieved, because I could go home and feel safe "mentally". Did I mention my grades were average to below average? Well yeah... My life stopped there, and I haven't made any progresses for the next couple of years, I used to lock myself in the house and play videogames all day.
During my first years as a diabetic, I wasn't quite serious about my condition, and my blood sugar used to be in the high 200-300 constantly, sometimes 400s. Actually, in 2007, about 4 months after beeing diagnosed, I felt into a hypoglicemic coma during sleep. Luckily, my mother saved me by injecting me glucose.
Due to this condition, I became a dull, lanky, odd person. I lost my appetite of living, I wasn't full of life anymore. Most kids my age were having fun, but I just became too scared to express myself.
Because of my on-going mood swing, I couldn't concentrate too much on a certain thing. I lost interest in hobbies quickly. This is when I stopped getting involved into sports and socializing. Some of my friends couldn't understand me and my condition, this has triggered me to not pick up the phone a lot of times when I was asked to go out with them. Due to my blood sugar levels, I was quite a mess mentally, and didn't want to go out with anybody. When I was outside with them a lot of times, I used to stay quiet and since then I've got myself the reputation of a weird person. At school, I was often used to messing up things when working in pair of groups. Due to this, I became used to work on school projects alone, because then I wouldn't just mess everything up, since I had this huge "pressure" when working with others. I became good at working with "myself".
What else should I mention? Three years ago I was diagnosed with neuropathy, due to poor control of diabetes. Since then, I became scared of Hyperglicemia, and I became obsessed with staying on low levels. How low? 40-70s range. I thought this would avoid further complications...
My HbA1c for the last 3 months is 6.2%, (around 110 mg/dL) and my doctor congratulated me for beeing "disciplined". It was all good until he found out that I am hypoglicemic almost everyday! I have days when I'm hypoglicemic twice or even three times! So that would be a good resume of my diabetes control for the last 2 years, high and lows!
This has left serious marks on my brain and myself, my doctor told me I could develop brain neuropathy because I'm constantly on lows, which are more dangerous than high levels, and the fact that I can't feel them sometimes is quite obvious of the impact it made on me... I guess this would be a reason I've lost my motivation to keep up with everything.
Before drawing conclusions, I want to mention that I was always a skinny person, I never had the appetite to eat a lot, I even used to skip meals when I was on high levels, and my doctors told me to eat more! Even after trying so, I noticed that I couldn't gain weight! In fact, I remember I was once in the hospital, and they wanted to see if I could gain weight. In fact I lost about 1.5 pounds. This has became a problem to my self confidence and I started to hate myself around the age of sixteen... I'm now 20 years old, but I look like a 14 years old kid, and I weight 124 pounds(56kgs), and I'm quite short.
I blame diabetes for my bad developing, because I see ex-classmates with worse genetics than mine who exceeded their dads by a good 3-4 inches! It is possible that I have hypothyroid, but the doctors told me it's not the case...
I wanted to go to gym and try to bulk up, but it seems like an impossible mission. Mainly because of my body build(ectomorph), and after discussing with my doctor, he told me that heavy lifting is not for me, because I have high ocular tension. This was a huge blow for me, because it was my dream to change my body, not becoming a bodybuilder, but become more confident... I hate my looks so bad, because of myopia, my right eye is slightly bigger than the left one, thus giving me a weird look. I never had a girlfriend, but only "close friends" before becoming a diabetic. In the last 6 months, I kinda accepted that I won't have a relationship, but at the same time I hate myself even more. I know that when "diabetes" would come, I'd be dumped.
Yes, I have social anxiety, but I am what the society has made me. The way people judged me, and treated me. I have only 2 close friends which I still keep in contact with, and I only feel confident around them. I can't make any new friends, I just can't! By first impression, people always tag me as "weird". I knew I had slight depression, but during my last hospitalization this year, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I basicly told the doctors that I hate my life and this condition. Doctor told me to take antidepressives, but I didn't tell him about my suicidal thoughts, or else he would've sent me to a psychiatric hospital, I didn't want that, because I don't consider myself mentally ill. I'm just desperate!
Sorry for spelling mistakes, I wrote this earlier, but by mistake I deleted a lot of paragraphs and the draft didn't save it. Almost went nuts rewritting this!
Hi. You have expressed yourself pretty clearly and got down to real personal stuff...which is brave..but also really cathartic to do. Just writing things down can help get some stuff out, exorcise it..at least for a while, but it can also help you see patterns..answers or at least relevant details you can act on (just like recording blood sugars before and after meals with details of the food can help you spot patterns and arrive at an approach which works). As a frustrated writer..I'm sure most of the great novels and poems of history and ancient history are the result of an authors pain or at least emotional responses to life and the **** it throws at us. You should keep writing.
Now, I wanted to reply..but I don't want to sound patronising..and anyone replying might...but don't look for that..look at what is being said and decide for yourself on the intention and on any quality there may be to the advice. I do have a bit of experience of dealing with people with depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harming, mental illness, attempted suicide and (sadly) one "successful" attempt. For the most part with very young people still in education. I have also drafted policies on anti-bullying measures in a boarding school, where I ran a house of 60 pupils for 5 years - a lot cropped up!
I won't say too much about me coz I don't want to switch it from you so much - but...I found school a horrendous experience too. I had glasses at 4 years old (the only one the class for about 5 years for some reason - my luck!), and was always underweight..I was quite uncool and didn't fit at all. I was surrounded by insensitive little creatures (kids) and my teachers were useless (socially and academically). I left school at 16 with no job, no social group, no sign of this thing called "girlfriend" and having been told I was not academic. Written off as Thatcher came to power - joy. Then I found out I had a kidney problem which would mean total failure of both kidneys at some (unpredictable point), and told if I wasn't on dialysis by 40 I'd be dead! Lovely...so I went into denial...anti-social behaviour...negative thought patterns...fortunately there were the Sex Pistols and a scene where everybody felt like that! The people I met there...particularly the young women I dated certainly helped my confidence. I realised...I was NOT this wee small thing with nothing to offer...that meant two things -
1] people had been wrong to treat me like I was and 2] I had been wrong to buy it!
Relationship success? I met my wife at 19 and married her after 8 months. I have been married now for 33 years to the most special woman who is my rock (somehow...she saw something in me..and still does). My life changed in ways I couldnt expect at..at your age!
It took me a bit longer to get any kind of actual (as opposed to faked)confidence. I got round to education again in my thirties - Open University, followed by a masters at Glasgow, teaching (sadly my old school couldn't afford me)...and on leaving teaching I completed a law degree. So much for being not academic. Again - THEY had been very wrong, and I had underachieved because of it.
The kidneys? Deteriorated slowly over the decades (no symptoms other than high blood pressure), and when I finally did get to the stage where they were about to stop (at 52 not 40 - the doctor, like the kids, like my teachers - wrong again),my sister gave me her kidney and I had a successful transplant (over a year ago now)...yaaay...and got diabetes from the meds!
After being initially a bit worried - I thought..what the hell...do what you never did as a young kid as a teen as a young man..inform yourself, take advice but don't be trapped by it (experts are often wrong) and TAKE CONTROL. So having done that my BS is down from around 20.5mmols to around 6.5mmols...I am off my meds and in control. I now have a healthier diet, I understand food more - I am stronger because of my diabetes. I am stronger because of my **** kidneys. I am stronger because of all that I have experienced in life. If nothing had ever challenged me, I'd be blow over by a small breeze!
Again, I do not want to say - oh look it worked out for me - you'll be fine. What I am saying is - abandon that kid you were. Not only are you now no longer that person...you probably never were! Your perception of self was fuelled by kids by idiots by those who not understanding much of life do whatever it takes to fit in (and that usually means giving somebody else a hard time - its classic normative behaviour for the weak, for the mob...if someone else can be pointed out as fat, thin, ginger, specky, spotty, stammery, short, tall, too clever, too slow, too ill...then the pointers don't become the pointees! And that is what it is all about - not your failings or mine - theirs! Some say we can't move on till we forgive. And a lot of people can't forgive themselves coz they think its about them, their apparent lack of strength etc, but I think - to hell with that passive rubbish; I don't forgive anyone who doesn't ask for it...you don't need to forgive...you need to comprehend what happened and NOT be defined by it. If you want to apply logic - to comprehend that and still feel bad would be nothing more than residual damage - and that heals. What you need to do - I think anyway - is to allow yourself time to heal, time to find what makes you tick, time to find who you actually are. Bit by bit, you will have more enthusiasm to find that person..but not if you keep believing you're not worth that. Put the past in the past - this is today and tomorrow hasn't happened yet. You could be wrong. Again, please let me know if this comment offends you - so not my intention. Paul
Hey everybody, I couldn't reply yesterday so I'll take the time to do it now. First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for the huge feedback that I've received, it means a lot, even if it's on the internet. Atleast I feel part of something by sharing my life story with other diabetics.
@Nuck I guess you're right about moving on, it might be the best choice I have... It's a difficult step to take though
@Paul thanks for preaching out to me, you seem to have found your way in life and control diabetes... This accomplishment means more than anything else, to find yourself.. I can see the positive part in what you wrote, didn't feel offended at all.
There's something I need to mention, regarding my life schedule. I'm strugging to sleep. I have insomnia, I stay awake at night and sometimes sleep till late hours. Due to this everything has gone upside down, including my diabetes. I've been doing this for years, but during the last year it became worse. Basicly I didn't synch out with injecting myself, since I'm doing it four times a day. Usually, I need a break of 6 hours before injecting the next insulin. What I noticed and it's worrying me, is that my smallest toe(pinky toe) on my left foot has kind of lost some sensitivity. What I mean is that when I bath, I turn on the hot water just to test my feet's sensitivity, and I feel as if it's late to respond. Maybe I'm too paranoid, but I noticed this since roughly 2 weeks ago. Could it be due to poor control of diabetes?
Since I'm writting this, I would like to ask a question regarding nerves: can you reverse nerve damage? Like healing them? I heard it takes a lot of time and you need to be pretty well balanced. Is it possible that I would feel better in like 6 months, if I try my best?
@Nuck I guess you're right about moving on, it might be the best choice I have... It's a difficult step to take though
@Paul thanks for preaching out to me, you seem to have found your way in life and control diabetes... This accomplishment means more than anything else, to find yourself.. I can see the positive part in what you wrote, didn't feel offended at all.
There's something I need to mention, regarding my life schedule. I'm strugging to sleep. I have insomnia, I stay awake at night and sometimes sleep till late hours. Due to this everything has gone upside down, including my diabetes. I've been doing this for years, but during the last year it became worse. Basicly I didn't synch out with injecting myself, since I'm doing it four times a day. Usually, I need a break of 6 hours before injecting the next insulin. What I noticed and it's worrying me, is that my smallest toe(pinky toe) on my left foot has kind of lost some sensitivity. What I mean is that when I bath, I turn on the hot water just to test my feet's sensitivity, and I feel as if it's late to respond. Maybe I'm too paranoid, but I noticed this since roughly 2 weeks ago. Could it be due to poor control of diabetes?
Since I'm writting this, I would like to ask a question regarding nerves: can you reverse nerve damage? Like healing them? I heard it takes a lot of time and you need to be pretty well balanced. Is it possible that I would feel better in like 6 months, if I try my best?
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why can't everyone get on........
hey there
thanks for the life story so far............. you have had some real ups and downs
but from the response hopefully you can see that we have a pretty good community and it is worth hanging here for the moral support
i have read about many people that have reversed early signs of neuropathy by keeping good tight control so it is certainly what you should be aiming to do if you can ( i know - not always easy though )
all the best !
thanks for the life story so far............. you have had some real ups and downs
but from the response hopefully you can see that we have a pretty good community and it is worth hanging here for the moral support
i have read about many people that have reversed early signs of neuropathy by keeping good tight control so it is certainly what you should be aiming to do if you can ( i know - not always easy though )
all the best !
