Scared of dying

[poemagraphic]

Hi again colpaxclarke

I wonder, have you ever tried your hand at poetry?
It can very healing. Oh! and lots of fun

Watch the numbers fall

Life could be likened to wandering a maze

With each twist and turn there are new things to gaze

Some are quite wonderful and fill you with awe

Others you may wish, that you’d never saw


Like the feeling we’ve come to another dead end

But then when we look it’s simply a bend

It may be, we have to retrace our last steps

How many times must we do all these reps?


Although moving backwards in retrograde style

Staying where you are even for a while

Is just not an option if you want to move on

A conclusion soon reached, you could say it’s forgone


As actually your progression continues each step

You might not have realised its happening yet

Maybe you missed the turning you need

Or that feeling in your gut you just did not heed


What ever the reason continue to roam

Wherever you are, your not far from home

As round the next corner a familiar sight

Will end all your doubt and fill with delight


High readings will lower

As your blood glucose decreases

And your life expectancy

Most certainly increases


Po

 

[TriciaWs]

First some hugs, getting diagnosed with any long-term illness/condition is tough, and lots of us go through the equivalent of the 'grief cycle' before we come to terms, and then repeat that cycle again as our bodies change/age.

I believe we can all make a difference, good or bad, in this world.

Sorry if this next bit sounds like I am puffing myself up - blame the therapist I saw this morning!
Now I am retired, I gain self-respect and feel I am of value by spending time doing voluntary work in the education and environment fields. My name may not be remembered, but there are children I help learn to read who will have opportunities they might not have had otherwise. And today my 'almost' second son came to visit - a young man I taught English to when he came here as a refugee. He has a job, and just passed his driving test so now he hopes to get a better job soon.
I also try to reduce the damage I do to our environment - I cannot march but I can reduce my 'footprint' as I try to buy organic and to reduce/recycle/reuse.
What could you do? something/anything you enjoy, that others need? For your family or neighbours or wider community?

Also
When my mother was too infirm to help others, and had to stop her last morning stint in a local charity shop, she often said she felt useless. One of the things I have to remind myself about as I reduce work commitments more each year is my answer to her. Life is not just about giving, but also about accepting what others give, because if we do not let them help us how will they get the benefits of giving? Part of our gift as older people is to let others gain the experiences and be allowed to give in their turn.
Having grown up from birth with a physically disable sister I now this is true. Learning to let others do things for us is tough, but I believe it is part of the cycle. Training and learning for others!

I hope you get the therapy you need soon, but also hope some of the replies here are of use too.
(Disclosure: I don't fear being dead, but sometimes worry about the process of dying)

 

[poemagraphic]

Hi TriciaWs
You say..." (Disclosure: I don't fear being dead, but sometimes worry about the process of dying)"

I often wonder if there is life before death. Then back I come and remember.
I

 

[bmtest]

It's a strange one to have answer for you have a lot going for you and yet death scares you and I have said before this is common in young people. Yes it will scare you if you invite the thought because your mind create a great many scenarios all frightening in reality when death comes it is a natural event and the people around you play there roles so you need not fear it.

There are many organisation to help but perhaps you need to read up on zen and the samaurai code of facing death each day its an alternative life is little more than eat,sleep,work & rest and a bit of what you enjoy nothing more enjoy it while it lasts.

 

[poemagraphic]

It's a strange one to have answer for you have a lot going for you and yet death scares you and I have said before this is common in young people. Yes it will scare you if you invite the thought because your mind create a great many scenarios all frightening in reality when death comes it is a natural event and the people around you play there roles so you need not fear it.

There are many organisation to help but perhaps you need to read up on zen and the samaurai code of facing death each day its an alternative life is little more than eat,sleep,work & rest and a bit of what you enjoy nothing more enjoy it while it lasts.

I have spend the major part of life marrying up and balancing the Eastern and Western way of life.
I am a Black Belt in the Korean martial art Hap-Ki-Do.

Meditation is the ONLY way to balance ones left and right brain hemispheres.
It is open to all!

Po

 

[Mike Sixx]

It's scary as hell. I feel like I need to do something that will go down in history, like have a legacy, so I'm remembered. I don't want to be forgotten like I never existed in the first place. I have been waiting for 6 months for someone to help me and it's getting worse. I generally want to know if anybody else feels like this? Or am I a lunatic. Like I go to work and I just don't try anymore, I don't care. Like what's the point?

First
What helped me easily over the initial diagnosis is knowing my mother get her T2 from my birth. She lives almost 50 years with it without ANY problems. And all the time she has been like 40-50kg overweight and had real sweet tooth. every time I go see her she has bought huge cake or pie that she "only bought for us" but she's usually eaten half of it. So, 50 more year with that kind of lifestyle and no problems. Only thing going for hr is that has been exercising little: walking cycling, swimming. Slow easy stuff. and Taking her medication regularly. So you should easily beat her by healthier lifestyle.
***, dude, 50 years !!!!! Chances are you would not have made it 83 without T2. T2 might actually lengthen your life by forcing you to life healthier. The years you lost might be less than years you gain by the healthy lifestyle you are forced to adopt.
And chances are they discover cure for diabetes in those 50 years! They are already testing artificial pancreas to automatically control blood glucose. The technology is here, it just needs to be put together and artificial organs made a little better to actually rival natural ones.

Secondly
Many people feel that. Saying that I have lived an interesting and full life, would be an understatement. The high and the low have both been incredible. I felt it couple times in my life. I am feeling it right now. Every single time it has been THE worst moment of my life and there has not need any hope for the future.
You are just facing your own mortality. Not really a big thing, unless you (and I ) make it such. This time I know I have no hope...
... like every time before.
And this time is different from all the other times this really is it...
... like every time before.

I am only 3 months in, but now realizing I might have symptoms on Nephropathy for a year. And now symptoms in my legs are getting worse very quickly. I am really struggling to find hope. I vaguely remember the time before the symptoms started. We bought a house 2 years ago and I had all these plans remodeling and small improvements. I think there are 20-30 projects on my desk different stages of completeness.
Now I can not find joy in any of them as I do not thing I get to enjoy them. I fear if my legs are going soon then my life will just be daily struggle with them and pain slowly watching my legs rot away.
I have experienced depression in life, I have had hard and low times. But this is different this is so concrete.
My mind WAS always thinking ahead and planning new and interesting things.
Now it is working against me:
I already checked out the euthanasia clinics in Denmark. Making alternative plans trying to think which would be least unpleasant for people I love. Do not get me wrong I am not (very) suicidal. I just plan for everything. I also checked where to get amputation surgery so I would not have to in national health surgery queues for years watching my legs rot away. I also research the state high tech leg prosthetic mimicking functionality of human leg, only in USA and 70k € EACH. I made plans for most contingencies But this disease IF it gets to complications is pretty hopeless. I do not just lose my legs, they are just first to go as a symptom of irreversible systematic nerve and vascular system caused by damages to kidneys. After legs it will kidney the damaging vascular system, then you be eyes that go, only thing going for you at that point is your heart will give soon. Hopefully you lose you hands too. Or you get a stroke and be left as rotting vegetable at some hospital bed. That is racing through my mind constantly now.

Enough about me and what you and me can do :
Depression 101. Learn to recognize when you mind start to going into these dark loops It is ok and natural to worry and thing about what can go wrong and think "dark" thoughts. But you need to learn to give them only so much time and do not let them repeat. Like I find my self thinking "If I only had been diagnosed 6 moths earlier I would not have these complications..." and then go how great my life would have been and how horrible it now will be if everything goes wrong. I let my self think it through once and now when I notice myself starting to think that same self pity loop I force myself to stop and think something else. Wallowing in that same self pity loop is comforting because it is familiar. But it really bad as you do that often enough it gets harder and hard to out of that though pattern loop. It actually alters your brain chemistry to think in those patterns. You can train you brain to think happy and hopeful thought or depressive toughs. You might not me able force yourself to be happy and hopeful but I found I can force my mind not to lose that capability by forcing myself not to wallow in the desperation for too long. And not allow these "loops". When ever I notice my self repeating same depressive thoughts, I shout in my mind "Hey, stop. I heard this already! STFU !"
What you and I are feeling is just a phase if we do not let it become our natural state of mind. If we let then it then it becomes a depression, which also can be get rid of but then it takes much more work.

My life have had really highs and really lows (usually involving crazy women) or deaths but every time I have been at the point "I think this is it." I knew that learned that life is a strange thing and you never know what it will bring no matter how hopeless things look now. EVERY single time than has been true. both for me and my friends around me in similar situations. If future seems hopeless force yourself to think something that is not completely hopeless and focus on that. Even if for just a little while. Just find some way point to crawl to through the broken glass. For me it is the kidney lab test and losing 12kg more to break under BMI 35 which is considered out of the death zone.

I am losing hope as I am getting neuropathy complications. I fear I was diagnosed too late, I had it too long. So your chances look really good of T2 not having much effect on your life,

 

[Mike Sixx]

I will not make a dent on the world and in 100 years, no-one will remember me or care about my life. Like what's the point?

The point is the let the world make dent in you.

Thousand years is like an eye blink, so is 10000 years. In thousand years no one who now lied will be remembered. Today only one who made a dent in world thousand years ago was Ghengis Kahn, only because world population was so small and spent his life raping through it.
In 10000 years chances are human are have not made a dent in the world. Only dent is the asteroid wiping out human race which is coming in 100% statistical probability in next 10000 years. then in couple million years (give or take billion) our sun will explode and wipe out everything in this solar system. in several billion years more Alpha Centauri Galaxy crashes into Milky way and most planets and solar systems will be gone.

Point is that our world will not make a dent in cosmos.

 

[poemagraphic]

First
What helped me easily over the initial diagnosis is knowing my mother get her T2 from my birth. She lives almost 50 years with it without ANY problems. And all the time she has been like 40-50kg overweight and had real sweet tooth. every time I go see her she has bought huge cake or pie that she "only bought for us" but she's usually eaten half of it. So, 50 more year with that kind of lifestyle and no problems. Only thing going for hr is that has been exercising little: walking cycling, swimming. Slow easy stuff. and Taking her medication regularly. So you should easily beat her by healthier lifestyle.
***, dude, 50 years !!!!! Chances are you would not have made it 83 without T2. T2 might actually lengthen your life by forcing you to life healthier. The years you lost might be less than years you gain by the healthy lifestyle you are forced to adopt.
And chances are they discover cure for diabetes in those 50 years! They are already testing artificial pancreas to automatically control blood glucose. The technology is here, it just needs to be put together and artificial organs made a little better to actually rival natural ones.

Secondly
Many people feel that. Saying that I have lived an interesting and full life, would be an understatement. The high and the low have both been incredible. I felt it couple times in my life. I am feeling it right now. Every single time it has been THE worst moment of my life and there has not need any hope for the future.
You are just facing your own mortality. Not really a big thing, unless you (and I ) make it such. This time I know I have no hope...
... like every time before.
And this time is different from all the other times this really is it...
... like every time before.

I am only 3 months in, but now realizing I might have symptoms on Nephropathy for a year. And now symptoms in my legs are getting worse very quickly. I am really struggling to find hope. I vaguely remember the time before the symptoms started. We bought a house 2 years ago and I had all these plans remodeling and small improvements. I think there are 20-30 projects on my desk different stages of completeness.
Now I can not find joy in any of them as I do not thing I get to enjoy them. I fear if my legs are going soon then my life will just be daily struggle with them and pain slowly watching my legs rot away.
I have experienced depression in life, I have had hard and low times. But this is different this is so concrete.
My mind WAS always thinking ahead and planning new and interesting things.
Now it is working against me:
I already checked out the euthanasia clinics in Denmark. Making alternative plans trying to think which would be least unpleasant for people I love. Do not get me wrong I am not (very) suicidal. I just plan for everything. I also checked where to get amputation surgery so I would not have to in national health surgery queues for years watching my legs rot away. I also research the state high tech leg prosthetic mimicking functionality of human leg, only in USA and 70k € EACH. I made plans for most contingencies But this disease IF it gets to complications is pretty hopeless. I do not just lose my legs, they are just first to go as a symptom of irreversible systematic nerve and vascular system caused by damages to kidneys. After legs it will kidney the damaging vascular system, then you be eyes that go, only thing going for you at that point is your heart will give soon. Hopefully you lose you hands too. Or you get a stroke and be left as rotting vegetable at some hospital bed. That is racing through my mind constantly now.

Enough about me and what you and me can do :
Depression 101. Learn to recognize when you mind start to going into these dark loops It is ok and natural to worry and thing about what can go wrong and think "dark" thoughts. But you need to learn to give them only so much time and do not let them repeat. Like I find my self thinking "If I only had been diagnosed 6 moths earlier I would not have these complications..." and then go how great my life would have been and how horrible it now will be if everything goes wrong. I let my self think it through once and now when I notice myself starting to think that same self pity loop I force myself to stop and think something else. Wallowing in that same self pity loop is comforting because it is familiar. But it really bad as you do that often enough it gets harder and hard to out of that though pattern loop. It actually alters your brain chemistry to think in those patterns. You can train you brain to think happy and hopeful thought or depressive toughs. You might not me able force yourself to be happy and hopeful but I found I can force my mind not to lose that capability by forcing myself not to wallow in the desperation for too long. And not allow these "loops". When ever I notice my self repeating same depressive thoughts, I shout in my mind "Hey, stop. I heard this already! STFU !"
What you and I are feeling is just a phase if we do not let it become our natural state of mind. If we let then it then it becomes a depression, which also can be get rid of but then it takes much more work.

My life have had really highs and really lows (usually involving crazy women) or deaths but every time I have been at the point "I think this is it." I knew that learned that life is a strange thing and you never know what it will bring no matter how hopeless things look now. EVERY single time than has been true. both for me and my friends around me in similar situations. If future seems hopeless force yourself to think something that is not completely hopeless and focus on that. Even if for just a little while. Just find some way point to crawl to through the broken glass. For me it is the kidney lab test and losing 12kg more to break under BMI 35 which is considered out of the death zone.

I am losing hope as I am getting neuropathy complications. I fear I was diagnosed too late, I had it too long. So your chances look really good of T2 not having much effect on your life,

Mike your post has touched me deeply.
Thank you for opening your heart and mind.

I am sure you will give others strength to face and conquer any adversity.
Blessed be!

Po

 

[poemagraphic]

The point is the let the world make dent in you.

Thousand years is like an eye blink, so is 10000 years. In thousand years no one who now lied will be remembered. Today only one who made a dent in world thousand years ago was Ghengis Kahn, only because world population was so small and spent his life raping through it.
In 10000 years chances are human are have not made a dent in the world. Only dent is the asteroid wiping out human race which is coming in 100% statistical probability in next 10000 years. then in couple million years (give or take billion) our sun will explode and wipe out everything in this solar system. in several billion years more Alpha Centauri Galaxy crashes into Milky way and most planets and solar systems will be gone.

Point is that our world will not make a dent in cosmos.

You can change history... even that, that is not written yet... especially that, that is not written yet!
Mike your rabbit hole is so deep my friend.
Po

 

[colpaxclarke]

You are all amazing! I'm still struggling through. Thank you for all your advice and support. I seriously don't know what I would do without this forum. I have good days and bad days. Still feeling very unmotivated and waiting to see the psychologist STILL. When I'm around my husband and I'm busy then it's easier and he makes me very happy. But as soon as I stop and I'm on my own I start thinking. I think WAY too much about everything. I hate being alone with my own thoughts. I hate the silence. Even if I put some music on it helps to stop me thinking about things.

 

[Mike Sixx]

My point was just that the idea of making a dent in the world is absurd idea.
I used to think so when I was young that I need to make my life mean something by making a dent in the world. All that did was make me miserable.
It gives people this ridiculous idea that it would be the purpose of their life. It is pure fairly tale. It is just fantasy made up some egoistic lunatic. It is based on the idea that you could enjoy your fame in the afterlife. And our fame somehow entitles them for VIP treatment in afterlife.
It sets up unreasonable goals pretty much no one can accomplish as there s always more. So people feel that they have somehow failed. And let's say you do make a dent, get you name goes into history books. How does that serve you ? Except to stoke you ego and you still would not be satisfied as you will be wanting more.
That kind of thinking is like sugar. It tastes sweet but it is toxic.
We all know "this one guy" that wanted more than anything to be famous (aka make dent in the world), he did reality tv, hang around celebrities, even paint his face orange, now he is the most famous person in the world. Does he look happy or content ?

The more I though about it the less it made sense to me. How is that I need to do this and who do I need to prove my life is somehow worthy ?

What has always resonated with me is the old Buddhist story :
A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.
Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!

When I first heard it I though it was depressing and hopeless but more an more I though about it the more it made sense.

For example few nights night ago I was laying in my bed with by GF next to me. Worrying and full of anxiety.
Suddenly cat jumps to the bed, walks next to my head and curls up purring. It caught my attention and for a brief moment I am was completely focused in the present moment. I felt my girlfriend's arm around me and hear the purr of my cat curled up next to me and for just few second I feel nothing but loved, content and at peace. Then the moment passes and I am back to worrying. My GF is still there and the cat is still purring. That one brief fleeting moment I was completely happy, I did not yearn for anything else. There is nothing in the world I would trade that moment for, or the ones like it. Nothing it the "world" has not changed, the world was not suddenly prefect for a moment. My GF is not the worlds most wonderful GF nor is my cat the worlds greatest cat. (except they kind of are) Everything is just as it has been thousands of night before and even if all goes bad there still will be at least hundreds of them more. Even the feeling was not unique. Only thing that changed was me and for a brief moment I was able to be in the moment and appreciate it.

Why would I worry about how many days I have left if I am not even using any of the ones I do get ? If I let those slip by unnoticed by me when I am too busy worrying about the next day ?
I think that is good question and I wish I could answer it