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Scared of dying

Discussion in 'Emotional and Mental Health' started by colpaxclarke, Oct 17, 2019.

  1. colpaxclarke

    colpaxclarke · Member

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    So this is going to be hard to write. I have generally always suffered with depression and fought it off for many years on and off. Since being diagnosed with type 1 it has been a lot harder to deal with my emotions. I'm having more and more dark and irrational thoughts and not quite sure what to do. I went to the hospital in March to seek advice. I was put through to the psychology department and I have been on the waiting list for 6 months to see someone. That's such a long time to wait for any help. There's only so much you can tell your friends/family. The thing that is really getting to me at the moment is being scared of dying. Stop reading here if you don't want to be brought down! So it has really never bothered me before. I just turned 32, I'm married with a house and going to start trying for a baby soon. So life is generally good. However the last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. ( I have had diabetes for about 14 months now). I have been thinking more and more about death and I don't want people thinking I'm crazy. But I'm terrified of the inevitable. I'm going to die, and be forgotten within a few generations. I will not make a dent on the world and in 100 years, no-one will remember me or care about my life. I don't see the point of it all. I know it sounds proper cliched but we are so tiny and insignificant. Like my life doesn't mean anything. I have no purpose. That's seriously how I have been thinking recently and it's constant. Thinking about it all the time is exhausting. No-one seems to understand. I know I can't do a thing about it. I wish I kind of didn't know what would happen as we get older. I think we are the only species that are aware we are going to die? It's scary as hell. I feel like I need to do something that will go down in history, like have a legacy, so I'm remembered. I don't want to be forgotten like I never existed in the first place. I have been waiting for 6 months for someone to help me and it's getting worse. I generally want to know if anybody else feels like this? Or am I a lunatic. Like I go to work and I just don't try anymore, I don't care. Like what's the point?
     
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  2. Jaylee

    Jaylee Type 1 · Expert
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    Hi,

    The "point" is somebody knows & loves us whilst we're still here?

    Make that count every day the sun still rises... :)
     
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  3. Erin

    Erin Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    colplaxclarke, you are not the only one who has to struggle with lack of stability due to diabetes. I think everyone goes through this unnatural life. If you can't get help from psychology, you might search the net for psychiatrists in your area. I sympathize with you and hope you can relax and maybe take a walk. Cheers.'

    Erin
     
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  4. Robinredbreast

    Robinredbreast Type 1 · Oracle

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    Hi ((((HUGS))))) last year I was critically ill and my 3 children were told to expect the worse. Thankfully I fought through it and survived. I told everyone I was fine, but I wasn't and I still struggle with what happened. my 17 year old daughter was nearly an orphan. When I went for my 3 month check up on the ICU ward, I broke down, they were very understanding and kind and told me that everything I was feeling was perfectly normal, so they put me in touch with ICU's psychologist, I did go, but I found it very difficult to talk about what happened, because death kept rearing it's ugly head. and I felt as though I was heading for a breakdown, writing this is very hard and very, very emotional, But.............. I will keep refusing to let it over power me, burden me or engulf me with negative thoughts, it's fight I have to win.
    I hope you can be kinder to yourself and you can get the care, support and help that you rightly deserve and need.
    I wish you well, Life is a one time offer, use it well.
    Take care x
     
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    #4 Robinredbreast, Oct 17, 2019 at 5:44 PM
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2019
  5. Alison54321

    Alison54321 Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hello @colpaxclarke I hope you get some help with this soon, but I wonder if this fear might be related to a bigger issue around feeling as if you didn't matter in some way, at some point in your life. Hopefully once you get some help you can explore this.

    There our ways to create an impact, some very small, but significant, some bigger. You could go for being Prime Minister, but it's a lot of work, and there's no guarantee the history books would be kind to you. But there are other ways to leave a part of yourself for the future, having a child connects you to the future, as do lots of other beautiful small things, like planting a tree, or other creative things, like writing, painting, all sorts of things. Maybe you need to explore that side of yourself, and have perhaps repressed it. Just a thought.

    Hope you get the help you need soon.
     
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  6. copilost

    copilost Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    yes, you're human :) it's "interesting"!
    the overwhelmed is more of an issue, what you feel is the human condition i think but the response says "depression". You're smart, you're alive, you're aware. Can you laugh at this? Can you create - music, writing, food? This is how people deal with it. It's a challenge :-O but no you aren't alone....
     
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  7. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    I have never had depression!
    But I have had severe anxiety due to blood sugar levels that were so high, then really low, these symptoms were because my levels were on a rollercoaster ride, which had my brain all over the place, the worst was always, why?
    When I asked why? I would always decide that I was to blame, then always the second guessing myself, the worry that I was wrong or what would happen to me, what I could avoid, because I couldn't face anything that would upset me or especially, the wife. I was so worried about how I came across to her, and my children, to be a failure, a person who would screw things up that they would think the worst about me and how I did things wrong, I was afraid to do things or say something, I would hide myself away, and try and hide the fact that I was doing this, I was losing friends, had to take early retirement, I was losing everything, and worst of all, the anxiety of losing everyone and I couldn't stop it. I was worried that people would hurt me, hated being in a lot of people's company, because I couldn't bring myself to be sociable, I was paranoid about going out, unless I had to, I couldn't bring myself to go the local shop in case I got it wrong or they were out of something on the shopping list! And of course, the dreams, the sleeplessness as a result of the dreams, the worry of feeling really ill, the lethargy, the actual act of leaving the wife in bed, in case she needed me, it took me about ten minutes to step through the front door.
    When, my brain would close down because of hypos, forgetting things that I should have done or been somewhere and forgot things and so on.
    The shame of all this and more!
    I couldn't carry on, because I just wanted to lock myself away, needed to be away from everyone and everything! I started to think ugly thoughts, and of course what that brings about!
    And through those few years, I lost my mother, two brothers, two brothers in law, the wife's parents became really ill! And my best friend succumbed to heart disease at the age of 42!
    Of course, that could have easily put me beyond help and I believed that I was next, I always had an issue with dying, I actually thought as a teenager that I was cursed with a short life.
    But one thing above all else had me thinking that it could get better and that I would like to have a normal life again. That was the wife!
    After her injury that made her disabled and unable to cope, I was the only one who was able to help her through the treatment, the pain, the tears, the constant lack of mobility and the only one, who could do things for her. So the reason for avoiding her and the rest of the family, went, the focal point now in my life, was to tend and care for her, it brought a new reason to my life. Even though I still hadn't had my diagnosis and was still all over the place. My life had purpose!
    I remember someone saying to me about twenty odd years ago, when a family friend committed suicide, this was at a funeral, the church was packed and someone else asked why? There was silence, and he said;
    Only those who commit suicide, don't suffer the consequences!
    The pain left behind, for those who are left to pick up the pieces is worse.

    I still get anxiety attacks despite my continuous good health since diagnosis, I still ask myself those insidious questions. Why? How? And so on.

    My only sin, now, is football, from a youngster, my love for the beautiful game was only surpassed by my close, big family. The knowledge that I could go and watch footie, my local club, my kids and grandkids football, I could watch football on my television at home. This keeps my sanity in check. And of course got me out and about!

    The continuous growth of my close family, the kids and grandkids have blessed me with seven grandkids! I have found myself, in a great job, as my wife's health has improved, that I now can work full time. My time is full of good things at my upbringing has kept me fighting for my good health and living my life, that I never thought possible, in so many ways!

    Life, will always bring its ups and downs, the happiest times are the best, the bad can be hard, but with help from family, friends and loved ones support, the best is probably to come.
    I always find solace and relief from my anxiety by talking to those who understand what you are going through. Talk to someone, talk to anyone who is willing to listen.
    And, of course, talk to your GP.
    Your doctor will understand, and arrange for you some sort of help.
    Keep going back if you must, be relentless, battle back, it is your health and the length of time you are quoting is ludicrous.
    Go back to your GP and demand help, any help!

    Anything is better than what you are going through.

    My best wishes
     
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  8. VashtiB

    VashtiB Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Colpaxclarke,

    Hugs- depression is a tough and very real battle. I hope you find some help soon.

    In the meantime remember that every day you make a difference to your friends and family. I'm sure that the love you give all of them makes a difference in their lives. The love you give them helps them in their lives and so in my mind it is like the ripples in a pond when a stone is dropped in it. You have a much more lasting positive effect on the world then you realise. Even a small at a stranger may make all the difference in the world. The world would be much poorer without you being in it.

    Take care.
     
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  9. Grant_Vicat

    Grant_Vicat Don't have diabetes · Well-Known Member

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    When a child in a class asks me what is Heaven and Hell, I usually say "Have any of you heard of Adolf Hitler? It always brings a reaction of disgust amongst a large fraction of the class. Yet this monster died before their parents were born. I suggest that he has gone to Hell simply because his name will cause this kind of reaction for years to come. We have a "saint" in our village who should be recognised for her unstinting consideration and help. She may not be remembered in 200 years time, but she has made a positive difference to people all her working life. I have been teaching for 25 years now and know that if I die tomorrow, I shall at least have made a microscopic dent. I taught a 9 year-old dyslexic boy for four years. When he started, I told him that I was not concerned about spelling and grammar, but might he write on the computer a few words about his dad's farm. He burst into tears. Seven years later I was walking up the main street in Bury St Edmunds and I heard someone shout out my name. He came running towards me and proudly told me that he had passed GCSE English. This is the most satisfying result in my working life so far
    Religion is based on the unanswerable. What's the point is part of this and is bound up in the unanswerable. Yet I think that the very fact we have been given the ability to discuss this would at least give us some possibility that we are part of a bigger 'plan', whatever that might be. My father used to say that it is arrogant to expect a plan or a life after death, and after eighty years of committed atheism, he became a Catholic for the rest of his life. Maybe this was his only way of answering "What is the point?", but I can tell you his children were all shocked!
    Posts above have suggested a creative hobby. There is a huge amount to be said for this. In the worst periods of my life I would bury myself in playing the piano or pipe organ. Having "made" something is cathartic and gives you a sense of achievement, however small. Maybe go to an art group, or pottery? Stained glass, with your signature could last for hundreds of years, as could pottery or sculpture. I am still learning how to throw pots, and the slow gradual improvement keeps me aiming higher. I may never get there, but its very rewarding trying.
    I hope you are in a very much better place soon - remember that you can apply pressure via PALS if you are not happy with your hospital care
     
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  10. ickihun

    ickihun Type 2 · Master

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    I must admit that was why I wanted children. No matter what. IVF scared me but I felt I had no choice. Then out of the blue I fell pregnant. With a son with blue eyes. Somehow I envisaged a son with blue eyes. Not really sure why but it is like looking into my own eyes but with less hormonal challenges. I hv experienced other great surprises too. All I would have missed out on if I had died early. I'm surely greatful I'm alive. Irrespective of my health challenges. Pain can make the world feel very dark.
    Now it's your turn to be in less pain. Post often here. Like-minded people will carry you through this difficult period. If you become overcome please call the samaritans, they are great at understanding your feelings and can give you more in depth advice, for you. Here is good too but in my experience night-times can be the hardest.
    Keep posting and don't forget the scream thread, when totally fed up about a difficult day.
     
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  11. Mike D

    Mike D Type 2 · Expert

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    I left something behind. Permanently. It cannot and will not ever be erased from history. My indelible mark.
     
    #11 Mike D, Oct 17, 2019 at 11:49 PM
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2019
  12. colpaxclarke

    colpaxclarke · Member

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    Thanks everyone those are really kind words. Thanks for taking the time to write something. I am struggling to find a hobby or something that interests me. I have a real lack of motivation and really can't be bothered to try something new. Classic me being lazy when something get's hard. I am going back to the hospital soon so I will definitely mention that I need help sooner than later. I don't want to die. I know that. But living is so hard. Just day to day is a struggle. I'm scared of what will happen after death. But it's nice to know people understand and I'm not alone. I will try and talk to my husband about it more. I don't want to scare him off though. He's already put up with me for 7.5 years!
     
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  13. lessci

    lessci Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Your lack of motivation isn't being lazy, it's a symptom of your depression, Reaching out to us is a step, I know it's difficult but focus on today rather than the future, see if your local mental heath team has an IAPT self referral clinic, you can just make an appointment yourself for help, rather than waiting. Your husband loves you, he'd much ratherthat you talked to him than the alternative, baby steps, even if it's just getting out of bed in the morning it's victory
     
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  14. JoKalsbeek

    JoKalsbeek Type 2 (in remission!) · Well-Known Member

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    @colpaxclarkese, honey, you're not a lunatic. What I'm reading is someone with a severe depression and yes, you do need help sooner rather than later. I don't know whether you can go back to your GP, but while there are (in the Netherlands anyway), massive waiting lists for therapy, the actual perscribing of antidepressants might be something your GP can help with. Tell them the thoughts are overwhelming and you need help NOW. You might want to try amytriptyline, I rather liked it while it lasted. (I wasn't supposed to get it in the first place, because of the contra-indications with Sjogrens rheumatism. Darn.) It gave me a little peace of mind, besides helping me sleep. And it's usually perscribed for diabetic neuropathy, so far as I know it shouldn't clash with your T1.

    I know the world won't remember me, hell, my neigbours don't even know me. I am locked in my flat more often than not, because I'm afraid to go outside and run into people, so i only go to the doc by myself , or go out with my husband one day in the weekend, and that's it. The most interacting I do with human kind, outside of my husband, is right here in the forum. And even that can get a bit much. I know the world wouldn't miss me, and it won't take generations for people to forget about me. I'll be gone from their minds, well... Considering the steadily decreasing amount of christmas cards every year, I might as well be gone already. So. No, you're not the only one with those thoughts. We are insignificant. Statement of fact, right there.

    BUT.

    Whatever we may be in the grand scheme of things, we mean something to the people that care about us. The micro scheme of things, so to speak. I know what it'd do to my husband if I wasn't here anymore. (Which is also why I tackled the T2 head-on... I don't give a **** about myself, but I'm not making him an early widower!). I'd take my mom with me, I'm sure; she wouldn't survive another week, because she wouldn't want to. And yeah, the cat would miss the heck out of me. (I adore my cat, so that isn't comic relief in a heavy post right there.). So we can't all be remembered as a Stephen Hawking or Queen Victoria. We matter to the people around us, even if we can't see the importance of our lives ourselves. They love us, they do care. And if that's just one person or a hand full, that's something quite beautiful and worthwhile right there. And this is coming from someone who has the "I should be dead" thought multiple times a day, and has lived with a clinical depression since, well, forever really, because I've never been any other way. Depression can be as deadly a condition as T1 can be. You've managed T1 for this long. Now it might be time to start managing your depression with the same stamina. This is real, this is something that can be treated. Don't take no and waiting lists for an answer.

    You are worth it, you know. And life is worth it, too.
    Hugs,
    Jo
     
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  15. Robinredbreast

    Robinredbreast Type 1 · Oracle

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    Hi this link that might be helpful to you - https://www.mind.org.uk/information...lems/depression/useful-contacts/#.XanXL-jYrnE
    [​IMG] X
     
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  16. Bwood1

    Bwood1 · Newbie

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    First thing first I want to thank you for talking and sharing how you feel because that’s a man big respect.

    I had type 1 diabetes for 15 years my grandad had it and I found out 1 day after his funeral I am still trying to come to terms with it I am 28 years old and from the age of 12 to 26 I was always trying to fight with my diabetes and two times I was on my deathbed but my body never given up on me because i am not ready to leave. What I know is don’t let diabetes control you don’t fight it just control it and let diabetes be a close friend never give up be strong yesterday in the past today you live and tomorrow is a new day.

    Be strong we are all in this together.
     
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  17. poemagraphic

    poemagraphic Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    What a joy and inspiration to read.
    Po
     
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  18. poemagraphic

    poemagraphic Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Great Post Bwood1
     
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  19. NicoleC1971

    NicoleC1971 Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    You are not a lunatic or by this description half the population would meet the definition and probably more of us who have a condition with very mortal implications. Being a type 1 comes with guilt which can turn inwards or outwards and I don't think that has helped your pre existing depresssion.
    You mention family and friends. Would you judge them if they came to you with these kind of thoughts. Maybe somebody you know feels the same and you don't even know it. Perhapss they are exhausted at faking being okay too.
    You need to have a bit of faith in a time in the past and therefore potentially in a your future when you didn't feel this way. I know you can't convince yourself to 'snap out of it' so just observe it for now and try and focus on something each day that gives you a little joy even if that's fleeting. Or seek a meaning to living such as helping someone else?
    I hope you find someone you can talk to in person though and do check with the GP as to where you are on that waiting list.
     
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  20. poemagraphic

    poemagraphic Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi colpaxclarke

    There are many great posters who have experienced these things you so eloquently describe.
    Each of us have our own way of expressing ourselves and a unique perspective on life… and death!

    My Father used to tell me he never talked about religion or politics. Well I took after him in one respect, I have only voted twice in my whole life (I am in my sixth decade) I tend to not really talk about things I know very little about. Politics being one of them.

    Death on the other hand I have made a life study of. My take on life (and death) is indeed based on a walk along the path less traveled.
    That age-old question “Is there life after Death?”

    Personally, for me, from evidence and my own experience’s, the answer is a resounding yes.
    For me death has no bitter sting, nor fear or apprehension. You can not die for the life of you.

    This being said, does not detract from the real fear of dying. Most of us do not like to even talk about death, let alone contemplate the implications.

    I was admitted to hospital early this year with a virus that stood me directly at deaths door.
    Long story short, I was taken off Metformin and placed on insulin. After almost a week on a drip and going a week without food my life and thoughts went through a cathartic change.

    I have long been an exponent of meditation since the age of 16 when I first began a marital art. I still remember Master Hong’s words as if it was yesterday, He said “If you can not control your mind you can not control anything”. A most profound and inspiring statement.

    I came to understand from experience that one does not have to be psychic to meditate, however when one meditates over time one can become psychic.

    So what is my point?

    From a martial arts exponent View Point the aim is know what your opponent is going to do before they commence to initiate their move. Allowing one to counterattack or block the punch or kick before the opponent’s limbs even move.

    I would like here to say, from experience this can be achieved, even in the dark or when practicing blindfolded.

    I would like you to imagine now, you are your own worst enemy and your own best friend.
    Meditation will help you know who you are, and your purpose for being.

    Now, also I was taught that fear is the enemy that will always win, IF we cannot conquer it.

    For most of us the ultimate fear is death.

    In my life, I, like countless others, have had irrefutable evidence that firstly, there is another realm (realms actually) surrounding and interpenetrating this 3D world of ours, and secondly its inhabitants can be contacted and communed with.

    Squit and nonsense many may say.

    If you are still reading, please bear with me a bit longer.

    I have no desire to ‘convert’ anybody to believe in life after death.

    However, I would like to add at this juncture that life after death, in my experience, is not dependent on one’s religious upbringing, beliefs or understanding nor cultural and or ethnic background.

    So is there a God? That is whole different topic that is impossible to prove in any real tangible sense.

    My reason for typing this is that the posters above have, as they so often do here, made me reach inside and feel the love and support and their knowledge of diabetes… And the other personal issues raised. Having experienced it themselves giving them the insight to answer from an experiential viewpoint.


    This then is a tiny fragment of my own experience that I hope will give some food for thought.

    Some here will know I am a huge proponent of the benefits of meditation.

    For me, it has been quite literally a life saver, and my constant companion.

    It benefits us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.



    There are no carbs, no calories, and no additives in any of the words above.

    I just pray I have not given any readers metaphysical indigestion.


    Po
     
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