- Messages
- 12
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Insulin
Hi all, I hope you're all going ok and safe!
I dont really know where to begin and it is quite difficult for me to write this. I am 27 and have been diabetic for 26 years so I've never known anything different. When I went to uni I loved with some toxic girls who made me feel terrible about my own self image and soneent into dka twice. I then left uni and my mental health started to get a little bit better, I only fully recovered from diabulemia around 2 or 3 years ago. As a result I have developed retinopathy and have had laser in both my eyes. One of my eyes has stabilised but the other one I still get occasional floaters in which my consultant said it isnt of concern as it's just the fragments. This has all happened in the last 18months so it's been a really tough time dealing with that.
When I first got diagnosed with retinopathy, ever since then I just have felt so low and depressed, felt I've failed myself for getting a complication so young and that the future doesnt hold much for me and I'm just going to do blind. It doesnt help that no one o know has diabetes so I've never really been able to talk about it or understand everything I'm going through. My family are the type that say "you could have cancer' and your not allowed to not be ok. I had a bad morning, I struggled to even get myself out of bed this morning and when I went down to make a cup of tea I just couldn't stop crying for no reason. My mum just said 'what you crying for, you dont need to cry over that' I just said ok and then she sighed and walked off. I then just went to my room and cried to myself more and self harmed for the first time. Not great I know but I felt it helped get the sadness out of me.
I just hate my life and everything with it. I love my boyfriend and he is the nicest guy but has always held me back in life. I have a good job and work hard and could of bought a house years ago but its him who has said well I want to be able to contribute to the deposit. He hasn't got a good job so even after 3 years of him trying to save, I've told him we just have to move out now with my deposit just so we can not live with our parents anymore. Ive never held this against him as I love him and he has been great support for me. With everything I have wrong with me I feel I've wasted years of my healthy life I could of done things that I probably wont be able to do in the next 10 years or so when I probably get more complications.
I also just hate who I am as a person. I have resentment towards my dad, I hate it as I want to like him as he is a nice man but I just cant make eye contact or be near him as I just feel so much sadness and resentment towards him. The reason for this is when I was younger it was always my mum that looked after my levels, did my injections take me to my doctor appointments... my dad did nothing but have a moan whenever my levels were a little bit high. Even now, he doesnt want to fully understand diabetes and what emotions and feelings o am going through. I hate sho o am when I am around him aa I want to be nice and not be horrible when in his presence but I just cant let go of that resentment.
It's got to a point that whenever my sister comes round I just want to be away from everyone and not involved. Jist because I bring so much negative energy and I just want everyone to have a good time and be happy which when I'm upstairs listening in... they're all laughing and having a great time. I just feel so alone with this disease, life and because my family aren't so open about talking about our emotions, I feel I can never talk to them about anything.
I'm so sorry for the long post, I just feel like I've been rambling on but its emotions I feel wont get judged on here as you know what diabetes is like and the struggles it can bring.
All I want to be is just happy again. Just be a nice.person to be around and for my family to actually like being around me. I hate living in this house as I just feel everyone is trying to step on egg shells and I just want to be a nice person as I hate the one I am now.
Thanks.so much if you've got this far reading through.my post
I dont really know where to begin and it is quite difficult for me to write this. I am 27 and have been diabetic for 26 years so I've never known anything different. When I went to uni I loved with some toxic girls who made me feel terrible about my own self image and soneent into dka twice. I then left uni and my mental health started to get a little bit better, I only fully recovered from diabulemia around 2 or 3 years ago. As a result I have developed retinopathy and have had laser in both my eyes. One of my eyes has stabilised but the other one I still get occasional floaters in which my consultant said it isnt of concern as it's just the fragments. This has all happened in the last 18months so it's been a really tough time dealing with that.
When I first got diagnosed with retinopathy, ever since then I just have felt so low and depressed, felt I've failed myself for getting a complication so young and that the future doesnt hold much for me and I'm just going to do blind. It doesnt help that no one o know has diabetes so I've never really been able to talk about it or understand everything I'm going through. My family are the type that say "you could have cancer' and your not allowed to not be ok. I had a bad morning, I struggled to even get myself out of bed this morning and when I went down to make a cup of tea I just couldn't stop crying for no reason. My mum just said 'what you crying for, you dont need to cry over that' I just said ok and then she sighed and walked off. I then just went to my room and cried to myself more and self harmed for the first time. Not great I know but I felt it helped get the sadness out of me.
I just hate my life and everything with it. I love my boyfriend and he is the nicest guy but has always held me back in life. I have a good job and work hard and could of bought a house years ago but its him who has said well I want to be able to contribute to the deposit. He hasn't got a good job so even after 3 years of him trying to save, I've told him we just have to move out now with my deposit just so we can not live with our parents anymore. Ive never held this against him as I love him and he has been great support for me. With everything I have wrong with me I feel I've wasted years of my healthy life I could of done things that I probably wont be able to do in the next 10 years or so when I probably get more complications.
I also just hate who I am as a person. I have resentment towards my dad, I hate it as I want to like him as he is a nice man but I just cant make eye contact or be near him as I just feel so much sadness and resentment towards him. The reason for this is when I was younger it was always my mum that looked after my levels, did my injections take me to my doctor appointments... my dad did nothing but have a moan whenever my levels were a little bit high. Even now, he doesnt want to fully understand diabetes and what emotions and feelings o am going through. I hate sho o am when I am around him aa I want to be nice and not be horrible when in his presence but I just cant let go of that resentment.
It's got to a point that whenever my sister comes round I just want to be away from everyone and not involved. Jist because I bring so much negative energy and I just want everyone to have a good time and be happy which when I'm upstairs listening in... they're all laughing and having a great time. I just feel so alone with this disease, life and because my family aren't so open about talking about our emotions, I feel I can never talk to them about anything.
I'm so sorry for the long post, I just feel like I've been rambling on but its emotions I feel wont get judged on here as you know what diabetes is like and the struggles it can bring.
All I want to be is just happy again. Just be a nice.person to be around and for my family to actually like being around me. I hate living in this house as I just feel everyone is trying to step on egg shells and I just want to be a nice person as I hate the one I am now.
Thanks.so much if you've got this far reading through.my post