Depression and just wanting to be happy again

I'm so sorry you feel so sad and alone and this is the forum that you can express these feelings and get it written out of your mind so never apologise for expressing your feelings. I wish my daughter would do the same. My daughter is 13 and been Type 1 since the age of 5 so like you she doesn't really know life without her condition. Our family set up is also similar to you, i try and keep on top of her condition and help and support her but she doesn't want other of us to help. She stays in her room and I wonder what her thoughts are and whats she's doing. It's very hard to understand because she pushes us away all the time. Her dad hasn't been as much involved but does know what to do. She self harms and won't talk about it. Your not alone, your not making your family sad, parents worry so much and sometimes we don't get it right or say the right things but we are here and we want you to be happy, your happiness makes everyone happy. Stay safe xxx

 

Hi . Reading your post has made me feel so much empahty for you and for my 27 year old self.
This 27 year old had gone to uni and lived through diabetes and bulimia too. Was incredibly self critical and felt as if I had failed at being a good diabetic whilst also being angry that this burden was there. I also had people in my life that loved me even if not all of those people 'got' me or were able to be there for me when I needed them too. Anyway I am 49 now and survived uni, diabetes, recurrent bulimia and have had a career plus family with the adage that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Please be proud of what you've done so far and recognise that its no mean feat. You are not meant to clear every hurdle effortlessly; have a little faith in yourself as a problem solver with proven resilience.
I think your feelings are strong; self loathing, guilt and resentment are nasty but there is no point telling yourself not to feel those things but you could try something like the 20 second rule i.e. a feeling pops up and you tell yourself that it will pass and that the only way it won't pass is if you keep feeding that emotion.
You sound as if you have done really well to keep going and I am sorry it feels so tough but I think you should have hope that it won't always be this bad particularly if you can access some ongoing support ? I needed a little prozac plus cbt to help me see the light again and often it was most likely just the placebo effect of someone being kind and listening! Big hugs anyway.
When you can forgive yourself and be kinder to yourself too, you may find that you can forgive your dad too. He may never be your hero rescuer like your mum is but if he is kind, nice and open to understanding your difficult feelings then that is all you can really expect isn't it?

 

Hi @type1gabs Those who have already posted have probably helped you more than I ever could. But there is one thing I would like to say. Like you, I was diagnosed Type 1 as a baby. Like you I went to uni, fortunately King's College London, with a leading diabetes department - Stephanie Amiel, who invented DAFNE was there during the time I was an outpatient. They lasered both my eyes in 1979 and on occasions up till 1983. I have not needed treatment since, and only need reading glasses because I am long-sighted. It is very easy to think "I am responsible for damaging my life and that it can only get worse. It doesn't have to. Wishing you a bright future and good luck.

 

Hi . Sending you a virtual hug too Nathasha39. Its not easy being a mum on a solo mission and this lockdown business hasn't helped with bedroom dwelling daughters.. Mine is 17. Keep on trying to listen to your daughter even if it takes a few months/years for her to open up. She knows you love her but sometimes the performance pressure (have you done your test/injection/homework) can be overwhelming and she is showing this by her self harming. My protest was to escape into eating disorders but I did emerge and she will too. You won't get gratitude but keep going with the prompts/reminders/food and love !

 

@type1gabs I would like to virtually wrap my arms around you and give you a hug. My sons are around your age. It is not an easy time to be young let alone managing Diabetes T1. You really have faced down some adversities so well done. I also have eye issues and have had two courses of injections despite managing my Diabetes well. Sometimes its just bad luck. Treatment now is so advanced you won’t be allowed to go blind. Try not to dwell on the past but think about your future. I think you would really benefit from seeing a counsellor. If you go on the MIND website you will be able to find some in your area. They typically charge £40 a session. It would help to explore your relationship issues and put things in perspective and to build up your self esteem. I have personal experience of this. I would describe the help I got as unpacking all the troubles in my life and eventually being able to put them back in the right order, a kind of reset!
Please be kind to yourself, you deserve it!

 

Hello there,
I am 28 and have had type 1 for 22 years now. All you wrote is very relevant to my life as well. I hope you know it is a struggle we face, but it is hard when you have no one to share the experience with nearby. If you would like to reach out to me anytime, feel free.
I hope you know that you sound very strong and will prosper, even when life seems too difficult.

- Mariel