After 10yrs type 1 I still can't accept it an my health is suffering

[needleboycotter]

Hi guys. I've been on the verge of posting for over a yr now but I'm too ashamed of myself. I was diagnosed type 1 on 9th September 2005 by severe ketoacidosis weeks after having meningitis. I felt an if honest still feel I'm grieving for my old life. I hate everything so strongly I panic everyday especially around insulin dosing. I still don't understand aspects of it for example bosul (if that's the right spelling!). I regularly have awful bs results sometimes 30mmols+ which I know is dangerous. I worry if I subconsciously deliberately let my bs get so high as some sort of punishment for not looking after myself. I have other medical conditions too including bipolar, clinical depression, anxiety, which definitely doesn't help. I have 2 boys and they don't deserve my weaknesses. Please help me. I'm so scared of ruining there life's because of my selfishness. The thing is, which is even more frustrating, is that I know the risks of poor control yet I don't feel I deserve to be well. Has anyone else felt the same or similar? I feel ashamed and isolated and regularly don't go to my appointments because it's accepting I need to have this for the rest of my life. I've waited years for specific counselling in relation to this disgusting condition. I'm sorry. for sounding pathetic as there's people alot worse off than me. I don't know if this is another reason I feel pathetic and unworthy of even feeling this way because my family is plagued by illness.
Does anyone else have to have a high bs to stop hypoing during exercise? I have to have it 18mmols+ and after an hour's walking it's down to 8 or below. At 10 my bs plummet generally. I'm sorry for the book worthy word count im just panicked all the time and I'm emotionally exhausted. Please please help me. Any reply is very welcomed and greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my disgraceful essay of moans!

 

[ladybird64]

T2 here, but know others will be along shortly. I had to answer because I want you to let the guilt go - please. There will be no judgements here, only understanding and there are plenty of us that live with MH issues too. You can take a deep breath, let it go and let your guilt go away - even with your kids, you're honestly not alone in closing your mind to the diabetes. You're among friends here - it'll be ok x
Ask specifics, or general questions, none are considered stupid, honestly.
Welcome

 

[tim2000s]

Hi @needleboycotter you don't need to worry about what we think of you. There are many people who hang around on the forum who have been through exactly the same things you have. Unfortunately one of the side effects of diabetes is that mental health can be affected. It's good that you've elected to come onto the forum, because in many ways that's a first step on the path of getting yourself back where you want to be.

So don't feel guilty about having diabetes or any of what has happened. You're now looking to the future and what you can do to move forward. You can put the old you behind you. A few first steps might be to recontact your diabetic team. In spite of what you may think, they do have your best interests at heart, and will listen to the problems you're facing. They are also able to provide access to appropriate counselling much more quickly than you seem to have had it.

With regards to your issues with exercise, there is a whole section of the forum dedicated to dealing with the side effects of exercise. Have a read through that to see if any of it helps. Then if it doesn't, just ask! We're a friendly bunch.

Lastly, welcome to the forum. As @ladybird64 has said, no question is a stupid question so feel free to ask away!

 

[Daibell]

Hi and welcome. First, have you contacted an organisation such as Mind for counselling? I do support for our local one and although there is always a waiting list, they are doing some fast-track work to try to get people onto some support before full counselling. It sounds like you do need guidance with your insulin but perhaps you have been missing appointments with the nurse? A bit of explanation. The '24 hour' insulin you take either once or twice a day is called the Basal and it may be that this needs adjusting. The one you take at meal-times is called the Bolus and to get good control you need to do 'carb-counting'. This means that you adjust the amount you inject to relate to the amount of carbs in your meal. Many of us started at 1 unit of Bolus to 10gm of carb. If in any doubt at all on this you must get support from the nurse. Your nurse can also help with getting the Basal dose right. You are not alone in having diabetes and you can see from the number of posters just a small sample of others going thru the same routine. If you can get the insulins balanced then hypos should become rarer and blood sugar should stay sensibly within range and not doing any harm. What sort of diet do you have? If you can keep the carbs down then your blood sugar swings will be less and hopefully fewer hypos. BTW some people have some carbs such as fruit just before exercise. Take care and do ask any other questions you may have.

 

[linnyb]

Hi guys. I've been on the verge of posting for over a yr now but I'm too ashamed of myself. I was diagnosed type 1 on 9th September 2005 by severe ketoacidosis weeks after having meningitis. I felt an if honest still feel I'm grieving for my old life. I hate everything so strongly I panic everyday especially around insulin dosing. I still don't understand aspects of it for example bosul (if that's the right spelling!). I regularly have awful bs results sometimes 30mmols+ which I know is dangerous. I worry if I subconsciously deliberately let my bs get so high as some sort of punishment for not looking after myself. I have other medical conditions too including bipolar, clinical depression, anxiety, which definitely doesn't help. I have 2 boys and they don't deserve my weaknesses. Please help me. I'm so scared of ruining there life's because of my selfishness. The thing is, which is even more frustrating, is that I know the risks of poor control yet I don't feel I deserve to be well. Has anyone else felt the same or similar? I feel ashamed and isolated and regularly don't go to my appointments because it's accepting I need to have this for the rest of my life. I've waited years for specific counselling in relation to this disgusting condition. I'm sorry. for sounding pathetic as there's people alot worse off than me. I don't know if this is another reason I feel pathetic and unworthy of even feeling this way because my family is plagued by illness.
Does anyone else have to have a high bs to stop hypoing during exercise? I have to have it 18mmols+ and after an hour's walking it's down to 8 or below. At 10 my bs plummet generally. I'm sorry for the book worthy word count im just panicked all the time and I'm emotionally exhausted. Please please help me. Any reply is very welcomed and greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my disgraceful essay of moans!

Hi, my heart goes out to you. I myself have been classed as type 1 since i miscarried my 2nd child, I had been gestational with my 1st but told it wouldn't necessarily affect future pregnancies but I blamed myself for the loss of my baby & worked hard to ensure my other 2 babies were safely delivered. Like you I have had a life surrounded by people I love dying or being very ill & I feel I don't deserve to live. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder & have begged the mental health team for help addressing my self hate & my inability to address my diabetic issues, but to be honest they have been unwilling to help. I have also recently found the site & was scared to enter my first post, in fact i was so disgusted with it i withdrew it.
However I have found people very understanding & am now waiting for a referal to a diabetic consultant ( I had been thrown out as I didn't attend appointments). Please don't feel bad for your post because in all honesty you have just made me feel like I am not the only one out there that is struggling to deal with the diabetes because of lack of self worth. I am very grateful that you have been so brave.xx

 

[Dillinger]

You are not pathetic, you are not unworthy and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Most importantly you are not alone; everyone with diabetes understands you. This forum can help you get back control. Diabetes is a tricky, slippery ******* but we can deal with it.

The most amazing revelation for me, which totally changed my relationship with diabetes, was the realisation that as a Type 1 eating 'normally' was rubbish advice.

If we drop the things that cause blood sugar spikes everything becomes so much easier.

Read the low-carb sections here and see what you can do. If you don't know about carb counting and insulin dosing then you need to read up on that and/or go to a DAFNE course. They will tell you that with that information you can eat normally, but ignore that; drop those carbs and the pressure comes off.

Well done for posting; let this be the start of you taking back control of your diabetes.

Best

Dillinger

 

[linnyb]

Hi, my heart goes out to you. I myself have been classed as type 1 since i miscarried my 2nd child, I had been gestational with my 1st but told it wouldn't necessarily affect future pregnancies but I blamed myself for the loss of my baby & worked hard to ensure my other 2 babies were safely delivered. Like you I have had a life surrounded by people I love dying or being very ill & I feel I don't deserve to live. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder & have begged the mental health team for help addressing my self hate & my inability to address my diabetic issues, but to be honest they have been unwilling to help. I have also recently found the site & was scared to enter my first post, in fact i was so disgusted with it i withdrew it.
However I have found people very understanding & am now waiting for a referal to a diabetic consultant ( I had been thrown out as I didn't attend appointments). Please don't feel bad for your post because in all honesty you have just made me feel like I am not the only one out there that is struggling to deal with the diabetes because of lack of self worth. I am very grateful that you have been so brave.xx

Dillinger is right, the site is great, informative & supportive. It has helped me get to the docs & ask for a referral out of area in the hope I may then be able to access out of area mental health services. Sometimes its worth trying to think outside the box - it may or may not work, but anything is worth a try. I am trying to think "onwards & upwards". Good luck x

 

[shelleypops]

It's ok! We can beat this! Listen to ladybird!

 

[shelleypops]

Listen to everyone on here...we all have one thing in common and we all want support. I'm sure we can all help each other. Today I'm isolating but tomorrow I may be full of beans. Acceptance is key.