G'day from Australia,
My name's Adam, and I've been a type 1 since age 10 - about 8 years ago now. I'm sure that threads such as this are commonplace here, but I think expressing myself might be a good thing even so.
As with a lot of diabetics, I experienced a 'honeymoon' period after I was first diagnosed. My HbA1c was good, I was doing ridiculous amounts of glucose tests, and my attitude towards the disease was fantastic, after the initial shock wore off. I received an insulin pump a couple of years down the track, and that things were really looking favourable. However, they call it a 'honeymoon' period for a reason - it doesn't always last. And it certainly didn't for me.
About 4-5 years ago my management started dropping off dramatically, and it showed through a steadily increasing a1c level. I tried to persevere to no avail, and my paediatrician at the time continued to offer words of encouragement. The struggle lasted and eventually my parents and doctor became frustrated resulting in a lot of pretty uncomfortable appointments.
I decided to switch clinics, both as a result of hostilities with my doctor and because a fresh start seemed like a good idea. This was about 3 years ago, and my a1c at that point was a little below 10%. At first the idea was a success. A new set to of faces gave me a renewed sense of purpose, and my a1c dropped back to around 7%. Of course, all I had really achieved was a second honeymoon of sorts, that was even more fleeting than the first.
My level increased once more, to the mid 8's, then above 9, and my quantity of BGL readings fell to an all time low, causing me to experience mild (if that's even a valid adjective here) ketoacidosis a couple of times. This pretty much brings us to the current day. I seem to be able to avoid extended hyperglycaemia through a combination of basal and the occasional correction bolus, often performed without a glucose reading. At my worst, I can go several days without a single reading.
Today I had a bunch of blood test performed, the results of which will have returned by the time of my appointment next week. I am filled with nothing short of despair at the thought of my current HbA1c.
I can't explain why I've become like this (and trust me, I've spent a lot of time thinking about it). The one thing I do know is that the longer I remain this way, the less hope I have that I can change my course. My first doctor and my parents used the potential complications of the disease to try to spur me on, which clearly has not worked.
I have dreams just like any regular person, and there is a very real possibility that I will never achieve them because I go blind or die before I am able to. Even that thought - that my life will amount to naught - is not enough to motivate me to pull myself from this rut.
Some people refer to this as being 'burnt out', among other, more technical names. It seems like it will be a permanent thing for me at this point, as the solution is clearly out of the reach of my doctors, my parents, and myself. I don't expect anyone to reply with some silver bullet that sets me straight, and I don't think anyone should feel responsible for trying to do that for me. But I would love to hear from some of you guys out there, about how you have addressed similar challenges.
Perhaps most importantly, I feel the need to address anyone else going through this. Diabetes of any kind is a cruel disease, much like any disease really. Many people cannot sympathise with the difficulties diabetics face, perhaps because checking your blood sugar is really not a difficult task. The mental ramifications are hard to predict though, and they seem to hit many of us like a freight train. You need to understand that it happens, and it's not abnormal to struggle. Try your best to stay motivated even when things seem pretty rough, and seek help from the people around you if you think you need it.
My name's Adam, and I've been a type 1 since age 10 - about 8 years ago now. I'm sure that threads such as this are commonplace here, but I think expressing myself might be a good thing even so.
As with a lot of diabetics, I experienced a 'honeymoon' period after I was first diagnosed. My HbA1c was good, I was doing ridiculous amounts of glucose tests, and my attitude towards the disease was fantastic, after the initial shock wore off. I received an insulin pump a couple of years down the track, and that things were really looking favourable. However, they call it a 'honeymoon' period for a reason - it doesn't always last. And it certainly didn't for me.
About 4-5 years ago my management started dropping off dramatically, and it showed through a steadily increasing a1c level. I tried to persevere to no avail, and my paediatrician at the time continued to offer words of encouragement. The struggle lasted and eventually my parents and doctor became frustrated resulting in a lot of pretty uncomfortable appointments.
I decided to switch clinics, both as a result of hostilities with my doctor and because a fresh start seemed like a good idea. This was about 3 years ago, and my a1c at that point was a little below 10%. At first the idea was a success. A new set to of faces gave me a renewed sense of purpose, and my a1c dropped back to around 7%. Of course, all I had really achieved was a second honeymoon of sorts, that was even more fleeting than the first.
My level increased once more, to the mid 8's, then above 9, and my quantity of BGL readings fell to an all time low, causing me to experience mild (if that's even a valid adjective here) ketoacidosis a couple of times. This pretty much brings us to the current day. I seem to be able to avoid extended hyperglycaemia through a combination of basal and the occasional correction bolus, often performed without a glucose reading. At my worst, I can go several days without a single reading.
Today I had a bunch of blood test performed, the results of which will have returned by the time of my appointment next week. I am filled with nothing short of despair at the thought of my current HbA1c.
I can't explain why I've become like this (and trust me, I've spent a lot of time thinking about it). The one thing I do know is that the longer I remain this way, the less hope I have that I can change my course. My first doctor and my parents used the potential complications of the disease to try to spur me on, which clearly has not worked.
I have dreams just like any regular person, and there is a very real possibility that I will never achieve them because I go blind or die before I am able to. Even that thought - that my life will amount to naught - is not enough to motivate me to pull myself from this rut.
Some people refer to this as being 'burnt out', among other, more technical names. It seems like it will be a permanent thing for me at this point, as the solution is clearly out of the reach of my doctors, my parents, and myself. I don't expect anyone to reply with some silver bullet that sets me straight, and I don't think anyone should feel responsible for trying to do that for me. But I would love to hear from some of you guys out there, about how you have addressed similar challenges.
Perhaps most importantly, I feel the need to address anyone else going through this. Diabetes of any kind is a cruel disease, much like any disease really. Many people cannot sympathise with the difficulties diabetics face, perhaps because checking your blood sugar is really not a difficult task. The mental ramifications are hard to predict though, and they seem to hit many of us like a freight train. You need to understand that it happens, and it's not abnormal to struggle. Try your best to stay motivated even when things seem pretty rough, and seek help from the people around you if you think you need it.
