Help me get through to my mother please

[Sue81]

I'm finally getting myself back under control after having let everything go to pot for a while and with lchf back in place my readings are looking a lot better. I live alone several hundred miles away from the rest of my family and with some willpower when shopping I've stopped buying things I shouldn't be eating.

In a couple of weeks it's both my mum and nephew's birthdays so I'm going back up north for a bit and staying with my mum. The trouble is she really doesn't get it. The food and drink available at her's are about the opposite of what I need. She lives off highly processed food and takeaways. She'll get herself dessert and get me some without asking. My relationship with food isn't good and if someone puts something on my plate or in front of me, it's a massive struggle not to eat it which to be honest usually fails.

I've tried telling her I don't want her to do that and could she get some food in I prefer to eat but her answer is always; a little bit won't hurt you, it's your favourite, your away for a few days treat it like a holiday or my personal favourite, your dad was okay with it. My dad was type 2, didn't look after himself, drank like a fish and died of a heart attack at 58, 3 months before the birth of his first grandchild. I'm 36, I'm not on a diet to lose weight, I'm trying to make sure I'm able to lead a long and as healthy as possible life. I don't want to be cruel but a few days with her results in high readings, feeling rubbish and craving carbs for ages afterwards.

Has anyone any idea how I can get through to her other than me just putting up with it or us having a blazing row.She's a sensible woman for the most part but she likes to stick her head in the sand about anything to do with my health/well being. Any attempt at discussion about my health she seems to take as an attack on her parenting as one way or another most of my issues stem back to childhood.

I'd just like to able to spend time with my family without it negatively impacting my health.

 

[daisyduck]

That was heartfelt and very clearly written. I'd start by showing your Mum this post and explaining that carbs actually make you feel ill. I explain mine as a carb intolerance.. people seem to get that more ?
Maybe take her out for a meal or take over the kitchen and "treat" her for a change ?
Good luck and enjoy your visit x

 

[Enclave]

Taking the easy rout ... could you pretend to have an upset tummy and take your own food ... On a serious track .. could you take over the cooking and give her your LCHF foods ..

 

[Avocado Sevenfold]

I always take food to my mum's. My mum understands my needs, but I don't want to inconvenience her.

 

[Sue81]

I fly up so taking my own food is a problem plus that would likely result in her being very offended. Something I'm trying to avoid.
I will certainly suggest going out for a meal. Just need to think of somewhere suitable. Not having my car is a bit restrictive but sod it I'll pay for a cab if needed.

Offering to cook is a great idea actually. She loves my cooking and should be okay with getting the ingredients for me. If I make something like a chilli I can make plenty and freeze it for her as well.

She does have a lovely double standard as well. I have a fair few food allergies that she can never remember and will cook things containing them. She has an egg intolerance and heaven help if you give her something with egg in!

 

[AndBreathe]

Sounds like you have a sort of plan, @Sue81.

When I'm socialising with people I don't know, and/or don't know how I eat, should I be queried why I might not be having rice, potatoes, pudding or whatever I usually just say, I don't get on with them terribly well, so I just avoid them these days.

I appreciate that help out with your Mum, but I might try saying something similar, that I found when I did eat these things, they didn't do me any favours, and actually the reaction is worse if it's just once in a while.

Perhaps you can look for something she hasn't tried before, but you think she might like and turn it into a bit of a treat for her.

In this hose, it's routinely MrB who cooks. He loves it, and he's an excellent cook, and is happy to cater for my needs and preferences. He might add additional carbs for himself, but that really doesn't bother me. Every now and then, though, he loves it if I cook for him. If I ask what he'd like, he'll always ask for something I like that he hasn't tried.

This way he has been introduced to a few keto recipes, cauli rice, crack slaw and other stuff, and even when I'm not around, he routinely eats reduced carb from before.

 

[ickihun]

Mothers! Ah those cherubs. Ha ha

I've come to the conclusion mine isn't interested. I'm no longer bothering. Sorry.
I know not the answer with much enlightenment but you need to meet mine, yours sounds angelic in comparison.

Slip your needs in siliently and slowly. (Maybe)
Mine is worse than a naughty toddler. I just haven't the energy for it!
Same energy she spend on me really. None.

I'm sure your mum is worth the tiptoeing around. Good luck!

 

[Diakat]

Would she be more willing if you told her it was a weight loss diet? Some people are better at understanding that concept.

 

[Sue81]

Would she be more willing if you told her it was a weight loss diet? Some people are better at understanding that concept.

I think she does kind of view it as the same thing but she sees me coming to stay with her as a holiday and of cause everyone can lapse a little on their diet while they are on holiday.

 

[Squire Fulwood]

Would she be more willing if you told her it was a weight loss diet? Some people are better at understanding that concept.

Well that caught me napping because I was just going to say that it might help if you never mentioned diet. When you do people usually assume you mean slimming diet and ............one won't hurt you. I like the carb intolerant suggestion or something similar, make it sound as serious as it is.

 

[miahara]

How about - "My Doctor has said that unless I stick to a rigid diabetic diet regime I'll soon develop serious complications. I'm trying hard and need you to help as it isn't easy."

 

[Snapsy]

@Sue81 this does sound tricky - I feel for you.

When I go to my folks' place I am in charge (I choose to be, and it's fine by them) of my own accompaniments to the meat and two veg or whatever - I take caulimash or caulirice that I've prepared at home - and I make sure I take enough for everyone, so that they have the option if they'd like it - or simply a whole pile of prepped broccoli or other veg so that I can have masses instead of anything too starchy which I prefer to not eat.

I'm usually in charge of pudding so I do a low carb lemon pud in ramekins, one for everyone, or low carb chocolate pud. Or alternatively some nice cheese if they've tipped me off that they're having something for pudding which they know I'd rather not have.

I don't mind being different, and nobody's offended.

BUT - and this is the weird thing - they are all really concerned that I choose to eat lower carb higher fat and that I choose to not have certain things. I know I'm type 1 and could bolus for whatever I'm eating, carbs or no carbs, but I find my control is so so so much easier to eat this way. And they know it works for me. But I'm getting some comments about 'real food', and although I have explained about finding my control much easier on LCHF they find it difficult to grasp.

It doesn't help them that I am slim, unlike the others of my generation in my family, who have significant and worrying weight issues.

Motivated by the wise words of others on this thread I'm going to explain it in terms of my ongoing health, in order to reinforce the point that I'm not being a fusspot just to be slim - that does tend to be the default position of many when viewing other people's 'diets'. Of course it's not a diet in my view, but a lifestyle choice.

And I'm eating exactly what I'm wanting to. It's just that my gang are a little less willing to understand than I'd like them to be.

@Sue81 I love the idea of you cooking for your mum, especially as you know how much she likes your cooking. And her egg issue might just be a Godsend - could you say 'I can't eat that - that's like you having eggs'. You know, like Superman and kryptonite?

Good luck!

 

[philchap1]

I would be blunt and say that I must eat a controlled and healthy diet for the sake of my future, please don't kill me with kindness.

 

[Sue81]

Mum's birthday is part of the reason that I'm back so I'm going to focus it as me treating her while I'm there.

I also had a thought I get my shopping by Tesco delivery so I'll offer to get one sent to hers. So I can buy her some treats (and make sure what I need is in the house). I might even manage to sneak some healthier food for her into her freezer and cupboards.

I wish horror stories about complications would work but given the obvious starting point of it was partially responsible for dad's death and I'm also only a few weeks out of hospital for a 3rd abscess draining operation in 4 years. It hasn't worked so far.

I have been trying to lay the ground work that my current regime is making me feel and heal better.

 

[ickihun]

I think the delivery may be the winner. How can she complain?

 

[Freema]

I'm finally getting myself back under control after having let everything go to pot for a while and with lchf back in place my readings are looking a lot better. I live alone several hundred miles away from the rest of my family and with some willpower when shopping I've stopped buying things I shouldn't be eating.

In a couple of weeks it's both my mum and nephew's birthdays so I'm going back up north for a bit and staying with my mum. The trouble is she really doesn't get it. The food and drink available at her's are about the opposite of what I need. She lives off highly processed food and takeaways. She'll get herself dessert and get me some without asking. My relationship with food isn't good and if someone puts something on my plate or in front of me, it's a massive struggle not to eat it which to be honest usually fails.

I've tried telling her I don't want her to do that and could she get some food in I prefer to eat but her answer is always; a little bit won't hurt you, it's your favourite, your away for a few days treat it like a holiday or my personal favourite, your dad was okay with it. My dad was type 2, didn't look after himself, drank like a fish and died of a heart attack at 58, 3 months before the birth of his first grandchild. I'm 36, I'm not on a diet to lose weight, I'm trying to make sure I'm able to lead a long and as healthy as possible life. I don't want to be cruel but a few days with her results in high readings, feeling rubbish and craving carbs for ages afterwards.

Has anyone any idea how I can get through to her other than me just putting up with it or us having a blazing row.She's a sensible woman for the most part but she likes to stick her head in the sand about anything to do with my health/well being. Any attempt at discussion about my health she seems to take as an attack on her parenting as one way or another most of my issues stem back to childhood.

I'd just like to able to spend time with my family without it negatively impacting my health.

well every time she offers you the kind of foods that is bad for you then aks her if she wants you to die as early as your father ...keep repeating that untill she gets really anoyed over it and maybe stop offering you those foods

 

[Mark_1]

Lots of good idea's above.
How about you cook one night, she cooks one night, you go out one night.
When its her turn to cook ask her to make something specific, the one thing you miss most about her cooking, i.e. something that works well with your diet and obviously you'll be too stuffed to eat another thing for afters.

 

[Deleted member 388305]

A couple of ideas - the idea that "One time won't hurt you." might be true if it was only one time. Explain that the problem is that you have to decide how you are going to eat every time you eat anything and that having eaten poorly once is actually more likely to be a falling-off-the-wagon point than a once in a while event. It can (and has for many of us) a stumble that takes a long time to recover from. Also, for me, even if it is a one-off event, it may take me a week to get my blood sugars and weight back into control (I've been a diabetic a long time). Best wishes.

 

[slinkimalinki]

I'm finally getting myself back under control after having let everything go to pot for a while and with lchf back in place my readings are looking a lot better. I live alone several hundred miles away from the rest of my family and with some willpower when shopping I've stopped buying things I shouldn't be eating.

In a couple of weeks it's both my mum and nephew's birthdays so I'm going back up north for a bit and staying with my mum. The trouble is she really doesn't get it. The food and drink available at her's are about the opposite of what I need. She lives off highly processed food and takeaways. She'll get herself dessert and get me some without asking. My relationship with food isn't good and if someone puts something on my plate or in front of me, it's a massive struggle not to eat it which to be honest usually fails.

I've tried telling her I don't want her to do that and could she get some food in I prefer to eat but her answer is always; a little bit won't hurt you, it's your favourite, your away for a few days treat it like a holiday or my personal favourite, your dad was okay with it. My dad was type 2, didn't look after himself, drank like a fish and died of a heart attack at 58, 3 months before the birth of his first grandchild. I'm 36, I'm not on a diet to lose weight, I'm trying to make sure I'm able to lead a long and as healthy as possible life. I don't want to be cruel but a few days with her results in high readings, feeling rubbish and craving carbs for ages afterwards.

Has anyone any idea how I can get through to her other than me just putting up with it or us having a blazing row.She's a sensible woman for the most part but she likes to stick her head in the sand about anything to do with my health/well being. Any attempt at discussion about my health she seems to take as an attack on her parenting as one way or another most of my issues stem back to childhood.

I'd just like to able to spend time with my family without it negatively impacting my health.

You are an adult - if it takes a blazing row for her to understand you want to LIVE, then I would do it without hesitation.

Other than that, I would bring my own food, or shop for supplies to make my own food while you were there. Its only for a few days, so a bit of cold meat and cheese for lunch, chicken breast and some fresh vegies for dinner, nuts for snacks. Eggs and bacon for breakfast etc. It wouldnt be too hard and I would do it.

 

[Robbity]

well every time she offers you the kind of foods that is bad for you then aks her if she wants you to die as early as your father ...keep repeating that untill she gets really anoyed over it and maybe stop offering you those foods

I was about to suggest something similar - say you've developed a serious intolerance to certain foods, and eating them will eventually cause you serious complications or even kill you - would she give someone with a nut or gluten intolerance those foods that might kill them? It's your health and life she'd be compromising not hers, and you must try to get through to her that her "treats" are now as bad as poison to you and could do you serious harm.

Robbity