Yesterday, I had an appointment at King's College hospital in London and I have 'severe non-proliferative retinopathy'- I just don't know how to approach this. I have to go back in 3 months for my next check and already I feel like I'm on borrowed time, it's just bound to get worse and worse.
My bloods are awful, my last hb1C was 9.7 and in the past it's been about 11. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if it's only appeared to be 'better' because I've had more hypos that have cancelled out the lows a bit in terms of hba1c, but I know full well the swings are the worst thing ever for retinopathy.
I literally cannot manage this thing. I've been haphazardly low carbing for about three years and I do feel much better in terms of energy when I manage to not eat ****, but I comfort eat and binge and have destroyed my body from diabulimia years ago when I was 20-22 and cut back dramatically on insulin- the only difference now is when I binge I don't cut the insulin, I try to estimate enough fo cover my disgusting intake of food.
I feel like a walking dead person already if I lose my sight I'm at a loss as to what meaning life will have for me- I struggle enough as an able bodied person with depression and looking after myself, but I do get enjoyment out of things like being able to go to the cinema and lead an independent life- and I have a lovely family but if I was blind they couldn't/wouldn't help me and I think my control would get even worse as well as mental health stuff my career ambitions all involve lens based media and reading stuff for academic research so I don't see how i could do that either if I was blind.
Finally I feel so bitter because if I ever try to have children it's going to be like russian roulette. I saw a girl about my age (I'm 27) with her lovely baby on the train today and I was smiling and telling her how gorgeous he was and then suddenly I realized there's a hefty chance I will never have any of my own
My bloods are awful, my last hb1C was 9.7 and in the past it's been about 11. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if it's only appeared to be 'better' because I've had more hypos that have cancelled out the lows a bit in terms of hba1c, but I know full well the swings are the worst thing ever for retinopathy.
I literally cannot manage this thing. I've been haphazardly low carbing for about three years and I do feel much better in terms of energy when I manage to not eat ****, but I comfort eat and binge and have destroyed my body from diabulimia years ago when I was 20-22 and cut back dramatically on insulin- the only difference now is when I binge I don't cut the insulin, I try to estimate enough fo cover my disgusting intake of food.
I feel like a walking dead person already if I lose my sight I'm at a loss as to what meaning life will have for me- I struggle enough as an able bodied person with depression and looking after myself, but I do get enjoyment out of things like being able to go to the cinema and lead an independent life- and I have a lovely family but if I was blind they couldn't/wouldn't help me and I think my control would get even worse as well as mental health stuff my career ambitions all involve lens based media and reading stuff for academic research so I don't see how i could do that either if I was blind.
Finally I feel so bitter because if I ever try to have children it's going to be like russian roulette. I saw a girl about my age (I'm 27) with her lovely baby on the train today and I was smiling and telling her how gorgeous he was and then suddenly I realized there's a hefty chance I will never have any of my own