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29, just diagnosed, feeling hopeless

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emmamae

Newbie
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Hi all,

I was told over the phone I have diabetes type 2 on Friday, and this afternoon it's sunk in and all I've done is cried. I want to share my story on the off chance that someone understands.

I've had bad mental health for a long time. I have CPTSD, mixed anxiety and depressive disorder and binge eating disorder. I've been overweight all of my life. I had a family who had no idea of healthy boundaries and attitudes to food, and subsequently I began to use food as a crutch as a child, and it's never stopped. I've been a fairly heavy smoker over the years, having smoked since I was 13 or so.

Firstly, the same I feel is unbearable. I'm under no illusion really that this is my fault (I try and tell myself it's something else, but really deep down I know). I have spent a lot of my life being bullied and I feel like this was the final straw for my self-esteem. I can't really hate myself more than I already do, and now I've got something else to feel ashamed about - not that I think diabetes as a whole is shameful, but I'm acutely aware I've done this to myself.

Eating is pretty much the only thing that gives me any physical feelings of happiness, smoking was the only thing that gave me any relief from the anxiety and I'm so scared that those have to go now. I don't trust myself to successfully stop either of those massive habits and I'm afraid I am going to write myself an even worse future.

Mental health services are under funded and under pressure, as I'm sure you know. I've had no therapy or help for my mental health since I was diagnosed age 20.

I don't mean to sound defeatist because I'm really not. I've booked myself onto stop smoking NHS courses and I am going to make every attempt to try and fix this - but I know what I'm like. These problems have plagued my life for so many years and I'm beyond terrified to go to my diabetic appointments, knowing that these issues are so bad and (maybe wrongly) assuming they won't be able to help me.

I just needed to vent, because I'm so full of shame and fear and no one around me understands.

Thank you
 
Please don't be ashamed as others have said it's a journey and you will learn to take it in your stride tell your diabetic nurse/ doctor your fears they are human and are not there to judge you we are all different you have been brave enough to take the first steps it does get easier honest take care steve.b
 
Vent away! You are with kindred spirits here. Have a read around and get to know the place. I don't pretend for a minute that anyone here has the answer to all your problems, but we can certainly help with the diabetes. Just getting a handle on that will likely hugely improve your outlook.

Good luck and welcome.
 
Hi, @emmamae , I'm T1 so rarely venture into T2 threads (different conditions, yadda, yadda), but I'll do so here to tag @Caeseji .

He turned up a while back sounding as if he was in exactly the same position as you, doom, desperation etc. etc., and, over the course of the last year, has done a remarkably inspiring turnaround, so may have some tips for you.

Good luck!
 
My T2 diagnosis two months ago made masses of other things in my life clear. My mood swings, anxiety, weight gain etc all can be linked with T2. It won't explain everything but as you find out more about it you might see similar links too.
As I've got my blood sugar under control this summer other things have definitely improved too. I have lost weight and my moods are more stable.
This is a great place to ask questions, read others stories and realise you're not alone.
Please don't avoid your appointments, you don't want to store up problems and they aren't all scary. The NHS diabetic health check was with a lovely HCA and took 5 mins and just checked height, weight and checked for feeling on feet.
Good luck on the first part of your journey!
 
Hello and welcome,

Your feelings are quite normal. I think it was at least two weeks after my diagnosis before I didn't cry every day. I don't even cry every week now so there is a lot of help.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I felt like it was all my own fault. I also suffer from anxiety and used food as a crutch. Also like you food was something that gave me feelings of comfort and happiness- and when I say food I mean carbs. The very thing that does my body no good.

You really are among friends and kindred spirits here. Take your time it is very overwhelming at first.

The first thing I would want to say to you is that this is not your fault. There are a number of factors in diabetes but at least some of them are genetic and you are not responsible for your genes. So don't beat yourself up. Some people can eat carbs and
sugars all their lives without getting diabetes we can't.

The second thing I want to say is that things will get better. I don't think I believed that at first. I felt like my life had pretty much ended but things have got better with the help of people on this site. There are many here to help, support and listen to you. Feel free to vent as often as you need. There are people from around the world who will listen.

I have to go to work now so can't post anymore for now so take care today.
 
You have not given yourself diabetes - any more than you gave yourself your hair or eye colour.
You have inherited the inability to deal with the carbs in the modern diet. At least it has been found out fairly early - I had to wait until I was in my 60s.
The good news is that if you eat a low carb diet and have a bit of luck you will go back to normal numbers for blood glucose, and your metabolism will feel a lot better, it is a lot easier to feel happier in those circumstances. I don't mean to make light of your problems, but having had to face a few stressful times during my life I feel that I coped a lot better when I wasn't following a 'healthy' diet sheet print out from my doctor but eating low carb.
Low carb means that you can eat meat and fish, eggs, cheese, seafood, and most people can eat a fair amount of low carb salad and veges and eat some berries with cream once in a while.
 
Hi @emmamae and welcome to an amazing forum. All I want to add is that any decent diabetes clinic would be horrified to hear you are beyond terrified. They have seen all this before. Good luck
 
Hello, welcome!
Sending you a huge hug, please do read around on this forum. We are a nice bunch so we don't bite and if you have any future questions, we are more than happy to answer. Take it easy and be kind to yourself, health will improve once you get your head around things.
 
A huge hug from me too. I don't want to comment on anything mental health related because my experience is so limited and I don't want to appear insensitive or cause offence. I agree with everything the others have said. You did not do to this to yourself. No shame, no blame.

Read around the forum, ask lots of questions. You are not alone here, we are a great community. It can be tough getting your head around this at first. Hang in there. You will be fine. Dry those tears, make yourself a cuppa, feet up, lots of reading. We are here for you.
 
Hi @emmamae, all I would say is you have already taken responsibility for your health from this point onwards by looking for and finding this site! Forget what has gone before if you can, that is in the past. YOU know exactly what your challenges are going to be by the sound of it and it seems to me you're under no illusions. That may sound a bit drippy but I am firmly of the view that once you have identified and accepted the situation you are well on the way to improving your lot. Try to take it in small stages at first, read everything you can on this site and you will learn a LOT. You sound like a strong person in many ways, you haven't pointed the finger at anybody else, you haven't wallowed in self pity and you sound very determined. Yes, you have certain issues to deal with on top of diabetes but you've already started! Please don't be too hard on yourself, if it was your 'fault' simply by being overweight, well half the world would be diabetic. As far as I am concerned you are already a winner by taking that very first step. x
 
Hi @emmamae ,

I'm kindof taking it easy on the forum for a bit, but when I read this I had to jump in. Introverted borderliner, clinical depression, anxiety (social and general), PTSD, etc. So I do get where you're coming from; with personality disorders and the like, it's all that much harder. Self-loathing is part and parcel, and a T2 diagnosis isn't helping. BUT....

For one thing, you didn't do this to yourself. It's mainly genetics, (and possibly medication like statins or steroids) and your inability to process carbs. If you'd done the conventional thing, you would've picked a low fat, high carb diet to fix things, and that would've just made it that much worse. (That dietary advice got me from obese to morbidly obese and diabetic). So, you didn't know how to fix the problem, and the weight gain is a SYMPTOM, not a cause, of diabetes developing. Secondly, high bloodsugars influence mood. And not in a small way either. I mean, I listed my issues. I'm still a nut, when it comes down to it, but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I go outside sometimes. I actually walk to the doc by myself these days, while before diagnosis, I didn't leave the house without someone I trusted with me. Even going downstairs to empty the mail was too stressful. I don't fly off the handle with massive mood swings anymore, and my panic attacks age manageable: not as severe as they were, and they don't last anywhere near as long. The solution: bloodsugar control. And I know that sound undo-able when you know you have an eating problem... But it can be tackled too.

It's the carbs you can't handle, so.... If the need overtakes you to binge, have things that will not spike your bloodsugars. Cheese, olives, pork scratchings.... Lately I discovered the joys of pork belly, yum! They're all fatty, and FILLING. Won't do anything to your bloodsugars though. I've been low carbing for 3 years now, and progressed to keto last year.... I can honestly say I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Just figure out what you can safely eat (yay for a meter!), and get stuff out of the house you know if bad for you. If you don't want to throw perfectly good food out, there's always the food bank.

You can get on top of this, and in all likelihood, your mental state'll improve too. I know it was quite empowering to me to get my bloodsugars under control, and finally losing some weight. You can do this.

Jo
PS: This'll help you get started, https://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/blog-entry/the-nutritional-thingy.2330/ , as well as Dr. Jason Fung's the Diabetes Code, dietdoctor.com and this forum's website, diabetes.co.uk (NOT .org!)
 
Hi. With regard to your mental health issues do you have a local branch of Mind near you? The National Mind website gives a list of local branches. I am a volunteer with our local branch (for IT) and they provide many group sessions during the week and one-to-one counselling with a bit of a waiting list. You can refer directly or via your GP. As others have said, go for the low-carb diet and snack on cheese, nuts, berries etc rather than carby foods. If you do have chocolate then have nothing below 85% Dark (you do get used to it!). I hope you are able to go to your T2 sessions.
 
What? Who is this me that you speak of? I do not know this man Thanks for the tag @Scott-C that means a heck of a lot!

Okay it's time to breathe for a while and let it all settle in for a while but it will be okay and Scott is completely right I did come from that sort of background myself. I'll recount it for you whilst also sending you the absolute immense amount of hugs that I can.

Throughout most of my 20's I was suffering with bipolar 2 disorder, I was diagnosed when I was fresh out of college and walking into the world of work like some sort of lush on a friday night after one too many down the pub. I had no real guidance on how to deal with it, the choices were mindfulness or pills and I chose the former but that never truly worked, I masked up the symptoms and keps chugging along in a haze of mood disorders that instead of self harm that I subjected myself to before my diagnosis came out in you guessed it! Binge eating.

Thus the anxious feelings and drive to be punished really did just fly out of control and to cover it and 'reward' myself I started to eat so trust me when I say I know where you are coming from when it comes down to this sort of thing because it ended up being my own coping mechanism. The mental health help around here was abysmal and then some with a lot of people going without help or just medicated to near unrecognisability but I am so happy you are reaching out about this as well at the same time.

When I was around 28 years old after a rather bad bout of unemployment, going back to college and then a horrifying holiday filled with pain and thrush I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes like my father before me. I was given advice to lose weight, slapped with metformin and the usual statin and thrust back out into the wide world of denial and an increased binge eating urge to just fight those that were trying to get me to lose weight. I ballooned to my biggest of 22 stone 12 or 320lbs in total.

Last December was when I got that dreadful HBA1C measurement of 114 and when I had to take action, coming here was the best thing I ever did and I was given nurturing advice and kindred spirits in which I could better myself because of. Embarking on a low carb diet to reverse my diabetes has had a lot of unexpected benefits chief of which is remission (right now a HBA1c of 29 and my fasting blood glucose was 4.3 this morning) but what's more? A reversal of my bipolar 2 disorder which made me realise a lot of the fog that was hanging over me WAS the glycemic variation that was completely wrecking my mood.

Today I am 14 stone 8 or 204 lbs down from that weight that I was at so that's another happy side effect.

Now onto you my wonderful and strong member of this forum of absolute sweethearts and supporters. I am not saying that controlling this will be easy or make everything go away but it shall give you a fighting chance for the future. Push for more mental health care, keep it up and in the meantime? Rant away to us because we shall always be listening no matter what happens. This was not your fault, the people that caused you the pain that has hung over you all your life are at fault along with the ultra morish and hyperphagic food that has given rise to the obesity crisis are to blame too.

You have managed to get this far, embarking on a much lower carb diet will leave you satiated and feeling a lot more healthy and along with that glucose levels will settle down helping your mood to stabilise a little and perhaps get you on the road to recovery. I am so sorry you have had to face down so much sorrow in your life but perhaps now you can get the help you need to flourish as the beautiful human being you most plainly must be inside. There is still so much hope in this world and if you don't have any then we shall give you some of our own.

I'm proud of the steps you have already taken and for coming here for advice, if you ever have questions then please ask us or shoot me a personal message or whatever you need to see yourself through this.

You've got this, I believe in you
 
You've gotten some great advice here, emmamae. I'd like to put in a little, even though I'm actually a T1.
First, diabetes (whether T1 or T2 or otherwise) is a disease. I don't believe anyone brings this on themselves. My mother ate tons of sugar everyday of her long life and never got diabetes. My thinking is you'll get it or you won't. Kind of like the color of your eyes.
Second, addressing food issues is something everyone struggles with. One of the things I do to calm my desire to chew/eat is to find something non-sugar/no calories to drink. I love the sensation of drinking liquid - which is weird, I know. I've also taken up chewing Orbit Bubblemint gum (SF). I originally did this as a replacement behavior for smoking. When I went to my dentist, he said, 'You have no tar'! I believe that's from the gum chewing. I've been smoke free for twenty years.
Third, maybe your weight isn't the thing to drag you down. Set your weight aside and focus on the food that makes you feel good. From what I've read on this site, people are having tremendous success with LCHF (low carb healthy fat) way of life. This site has some great tools to help you if you decide to take that up. Weight is immaterial; health is the goal.
And last, I'm so glad you're here! This is the best place for diabetics that I've seen in my 50 years with the disease. We will support your efforts and send you love when you need it (this message is my love note to you!).
 
Well done you, getting blood sugars under control will make you feel better and more positive, good to show other Newbies that life can go on and diabetes needn't be the end of anything.
 
Have a look in the success stories part of this forum. Some people have turned your situation around. Slowly but steadily.
It can be done. I assure you.
You will meet friends on here who hv huge empathy for your bad upbringing. A child is not responsible for what they eat. So your main carer has failed you. However you are in control of this now. Show them how they should have done it.
I take responsibility for the now. No one can predict the future but are fully aware of a bad past.
Learn from it.... and move on. Your now is exciting and aware now of where it went wrong.
I'm not surprised you have mental health history. Who wouldn't?
 
Hi,

I'm newly confirmed T2 pre-diabetes. I come from a family of T2 diabetics so I was expecting it... but it was still a shock and I felt out of my depth.

This site has been so helpful to me and I now feel more in control this. By following low carb, lots of veg my blood glucose levels are becoming lower and more stable. I know - because I bought myself a blood glucose monitor - one of the tips on here.

My tip would be to write down everything you wrote here and take it with you to your diabetes appointment. Sometimes it can be hard to say out loud when we need help so if you can't say it to them - give them what you've written.

All the best xx
 
Hi emmamae,

Just wondering how you are travelling at the moment. Have things become a little easier?

Take care of yourself.
 
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