3:43 AM and I am afraid

I had a bowel resection 17 months ago, thanks to a blood clot that cut off the blood supply to my already ineffective pancreas and small bowel. I had a 30% success expectation to survive and have done very well. I am on Warfarin to control my bloods coagualency (clotting). I'm starting to get the same symptoms again, my wife and teenage daughters are asleep and don't come on here and I'm experiencing the same symptoms again since last night. I'm scared if I go through it again I may not be so fortunate. Sure diabetes is an added nuisance and I'm taking 26 tablets a day. I am worried for them and don't want to die, I take my medical instructions very seriously and to the letter, but I'm frightened to death I won't see 40. Diabetes is a stroll in the park on a sunny Sunday. I just need to get this out of my system as I don't want to die before my daughters 19 and 16 get married. I want to see my grandchildren and hold them and be the man who walks my girls down the aisle. I'm strong but also realistic. This is no feeling sorry for one's self story, I don't pity me, but life can be such an ar$e, light words indeed, but the word I would use also has 4 letters. I'm not crying, just disappointed with the way things have panned out. Just need to say to someone and get it written how I feel. I'm not feeling low/suicidal, just aggrieved. All I want is a family holiday and people are trying to convert me to being a bleeding zoned-out robot instead. Family and friends first, work to provide for the family I love, me, last. I'm happy to have half an hour on my daughter's acoustic. The neighbours don't like my Les Paul and the Marshall amp, less, especially with the BOSS high power foot effects-pedal. I love it though, FOOs, manaics, Green Day, Chilis, pumpkins, suede, et al. I don't feel down, if this persists tomorrow, I'll go to my specialist, it MAY, be a blip. I know my body though. If the news isn't good. The neighbours can ****** off, as we all submit a request as a family, I play and whoever chooses sings vocals. Take care brothers and sisters, the...almost gave my name away, martwolves will try to give objective advice. Sleep well.

X

PS: I am now going to enjoy a fag. Sorry. Been 5 days without, what's one going to do? Cue rebuke for being weak. It'll be my last one though. Guaranteed. Don't need any more trouble knocking on my door.

Thank you all for your friendly, kick in the ass help! I caught 7 buses today for a routine blood clotting test. I then to see my dad to visit as I haven't seen him in yonks. A wise man once said,"live every day like it's your last". I do. O was over tired, got home at 9pm and was knackered last night. I may have had a nightmare, but the symptoms are there. My wife has so much on her plate medically, I can"t tell her. The signs are there and I know there is no "play" in logistics. 2 mtrs of dead bowel/intestine was removed, what I have is what I have. Bank holiday means I'm screwed and I can arrange an appointment on tuesday. I just wish I wasn't so foolish in my youth. All small problrems add up to a big one. If I could live my life again...I somehow think of NINs Hurt. I cannot undo that, which has been done. I never meant to post the original post. If I could, I'd never have posted it. A fragile me is no good for anyone. I am strengthened though by your support.

I've been to bletchley, fenny stratford, MK many many times. I didn't know marshall were from there, izzzi. Also, I don't know what I put in my OP as I was shaking through lack of sleep/fag/drink, but I haven't told anyone I know personally about how I feel and told you lot to get it off my chest. So to your dismay, they are not adding to my already unbearable discomfort, grief, foreboding and almost (though I wouldn't) suicidal feelings. So sorry, go on, have a go at me about how superior you are and much better nick you're in. Please. DO NOT POST ON MY THREADS AGAIN. I ignored your cretinous poem, now please get lost. In the words of green day, "I don't know you, but I think I hate you, you're the reason for my misery..." Please don't reply, I've only ever had pi$$ takes from you, so do the right thing and avoid me. I don't need people like you chiding me right now.

Roy

Sorry, it was that sarky bloody p taking poem. It was full of vitriol and hatred. It was nasty and if you can explain it I may reconsider. It was a personal attack on a different topic. If you'd put it on here, fine. I was taking time out from trying to helpful and let off some steam and relax and then that. There was no need. You probably have little idea how I feel if you want me to have more of a hard time off my girls and wife than I already do. Why? Why not say I hope you're able to tell them soon, but you're hurting too much already to even tell yourself and when you do tell them I hope they give you all the love and support they have always done? What's wrong with that, Roy? Too soft for your facade? Why do you give me such a hard time? Have I personally offended you. If I have I apologise. I don't personally get off on putting others down with lame put-downs and cheap shots. That's chump change and what bullies do.

Yours openly and honestly

Mart

Roy

It's the bigger man who can own up to his mistakes.

That is admirable of you and I thank you for taking my feelings into consideration.

I accept your apology.

Thanks mate.

Mart.