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9 years of failing

Discussion in 'Young People/Adults' started by Lilireth, Jun 7, 2017.

  1. Just_Me_Rachel

    Just_Me_Rachel Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I totally relate to your post. I've had diabetes since I'm 5, I'm in my mid-twenties now. It's a freaking daily struggle for me. I'm glad you're on the pump - for me too, I had to "prove" to them and whatnot.

    It took me years to be able to get the CGM - I just got that a few months ago, and connect it to my phone. It's amazing. I'm self-funding, after 20 years. If you can afford it, it's certainly made my life alot easier.

    Feeling like a failure with diabetes - this is exactly how I feel and have felt for years. Diabetes beat me, totally crushed me. Nobody quite understood what it meant to be crushed by something that is supposed to be perfectly livable. I felt totally overwhelmed and depressed by it.

    Diabetes took me to hell and back. These days, I've come to a much better place of acceptance. I don't fight my diabetes or myself like I used to. If I'm high, or if I can't deal with it - I don't and I try very hard not to judge myself for that either. The perfectionism thing really took me down. Nobody else seemed to understand that diabetes is meant to create a roller coaster of emotions, of ups and downs, of anxiety, of depression. For years, they warned me of all the complications I would get if I didn't get it into control.

    I cried, because I couldn't deal with it. Because, nobody understood that. Because, it was just me fighting this battle against this perfectly livable condition. The fear of complications totally froze me over. I obsessed about my diabetes for years, and it's still something I grapple with.

    You've got to be easier on yourself. The world (to me) expected perfection with diabetes, because, hey, everyone has difficulties. Because, hey, what's so hard about eating like you're supposed to, taking insulin like you're supposed to, testing like you're supposed to?

    They never understood how overwhelming diabetes can be.

    I had to understand how overwhelming diabetes can be. I had to allow myself to feel that difficulty, to be gentle on myself, to allow myself to ride with the ups and downs of diabetes.

    I got out of the fight, and today, I've made a shaky sort of peace with myself and my diabetes. For years, I messed with my insulin, and today, whilst it's still a struggle, I've just stopped fighting.

    Joining facebook groups and this forum helped me to understand I wasn't alone in this. It helped me to see that others too, struggle with diabetes. That diabetes is supposed to cause me all this heartache.

    I never knew that, because my friends with diabetes never struggled with it like I did.

    I began to blog, to share my experiences, on this. (link below). It helps me to realise I'm not alone. It helps me to give voice to my struggles.

    I learnt to do the things I love to do: go visit beaches around the world, to travel, to do art, to listen to music. To sit curled up on my couch with a mug of coffee. I found ways to calm myself: to shower, to walk, to reach out to others. I learnt to slow down, to take things by the moment, to just do the best I can do.

    You're not alone. We're all dealing with this together, and in a way, we're all warriors.

    Thanks for giving me this forum and space to share my experiences.

    Best of luck and feel free to reach out.

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    #21 Just_Me_Rachel, Aug 3, 2017 at 4:19 PM
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2017
  2. hareshg06

    hareshg06 Type 1 · Member

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