A bit off topic

rosemaree

Member
Messages
6
Type of diabetes
LADA
Treatment type
Insulin
My partner hates me and I can't leave.

We don't really argue, but every now and then I will try and talk something through with him and he just tells me how much he resents me. He blames me for everything in his life - that he doesn't do stuff or exercise, that he doesn't have hobbies or get to enjoy life, that he sold his crypto before it became big and mostly that he works for a limited salary as an employee instead of being a millionaire business owner.

He says he resents me since he took an office job and moved in with me so he could support me. He says he will never forgive me for what I have cost him. I don't remember or see things the same way he does - he was not in a good situation before moving in with me, I got really sick, and was not able to work by the time I was diagnosed (it took years). When it got to a point where I had no money of my own and was fully dependent on him I made it my mission to do everything for him so that he could focus on his career. And I mean everything - the only thing he did was work. That office job was the stepping stone to the experience and opportunities that helped him get into a position he always dreamed of. I like to think that my support helped him along the way, but he sees no value in anything I do and tells me he could just get a maid it would be cheaper.

Then there is my little dog, she is the closest thing to family that I have, and is more like my special needs child. She got chronically ill around the same time as I did, and has recently been diagnosed with a very severe heart condition. My world kind of fell apart. The vet couldn't give me a prognosis, just to be on high alert.
I had been looking for flexible remote work so that I could still care for her, my partner and myself, but between being exhausted and ill I never got anywhere. With her heart now, I have stopped even looking, I just need to be here for her. I tried to talk to my partner about it, he is attached to her and provides for her freely. He seemed quite on board that she is all I should focus on, which is what I have done the last while.
But then yesterday I had a very bad meltdown (I don't know if I have autism or just sensory issues, but it is something that happens to me). My partner has always reacted badly when it happens, so I try to suppress it as much as I can and mostly end up hurting myself. I came to apologise and talk to him after it passed and he just reverted to resenting me and telling me he deserves better - he deserves to be happy and that I make him want to kill himself. He says nothing has changed for him, he always felt this way - which confuses me because it does not add up. He is also adamant that I am a completely self absorbed narcissist, that I financially abuse him (by depending on him), and that I am now using my dog to make him feel bad.

I don't know what to do, I am trying not to completely hate myself for not getting myself and my little dog out of this situation. I feel so shattered that I haven't given her a better life, and can't save her from this now. I feel quite sick to my stomach and just don't know what to do.

My diabetes barely even factors in at this point.
 

Jaylee

Oracle
Retired Moderator
Messages
18,705
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Insulin
Hi @rosemaree ,

There seems to be a fair bit to unpack here.
& I’m sorry to hear you are both going through a tough time..

Do you know if your partner has been online viewing any “red pill” topics perchance?

Some of the stuff you mention he says sounds a little like the sort of cynicism I’ve seen from a “alpha men’s” movement on line?
 
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DougDyl

Active Member
Messages
41
Type of diabetes
Other
Treatment type
Diet only
Dislikes
Cruelty to people and animals
Your situation sounds horrendous. I am sure you will receive some good advice on here from more qualified members. Thinking of you and your wee dog. Just remember to keep chatting to us and hopefully by venting something good will come out of it. Take care x
 
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RAPS_od

Well-Known Member
Messages
148
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Insulin
What you're experiencing is domestic abuse. Maybe he doesn't physically hit you, but each verbal blow hurts and cuts.
I don't know either of you, but you're both feeling used and vulnerable at this point. It's difficult to make big changes in your actions and behaviors when at risk. Talking to someone trained in handling these situations is best. I think the Victim Support MrsA2 provided is a good place to start - for both of you.
 

JoKalsbeek

Expert
Messages
6,625
Type of diabetes
I reversed my Type 2
Treatment type
Diet only
My partner hates me and I can't leave.

We don't really argue, but every now and then I will try and talk something through with him and he just tells me how much he resents me. He blames me for everything in his life - that he doesn't do stuff or exercise, that he doesn't have hobbies or get to enjoy life, that he sold his crypto before it became big and mostly that he works for a limited salary as an employee instead of being a millionaire business owner.

He says he resents me since he took an office job and moved in with me so he could support me. He says he will never forgive me for what I have cost him. I don't remember or see things the same way he does - he was not in a good situation before moving in with me, I got really sick, and was not able to work by the time I was diagnosed (it took years). When it got to a point where I had no money of my own and was fully dependent on him I made it my mission to do everything for him so that he could focus on his career. And I mean everything - the only thing he did was work. That office job was the stepping stone to the experience and opportunities that helped him get into a position he always dreamed of. I like to think that my support helped him along the way, but he sees no value in anything I do and tells me he could just get a maid it would be cheaper.

Then there is my little dog, she is the closest thing to family that I have, and is more like my special needs child. She got chronically ill around the same time as I did, and has recently been diagnosed with a very severe heart condition. My world kind of fell apart. The vet couldn't give me a prognosis, just to be on high alert.
I had been looking for flexible remote work so that I could still care for her, my partner and myself, but between being exhausted and ill I never got anywhere. With her heart now, I have stopped even looking, I just need to be here for her. I tried to talk to my partner about it, he is attached to her and provides for her freely. He seemed quite on board that she is all I should focus on, which is what I have done the last while.
But then yesterday I had a very bad meltdown (I don't know if I have autism or just sensory issues, but it is something that happens to me). My partner has always reacted badly when it happens, so I try to suppress it as much as I can and mostly end up hurting myself. I came to apologise and talk to him after it passed and he just reverted to resenting me and telling me he deserves better - he deserves to be happy and that I make him want to kill himself. He says nothing has changed for him, he always felt this way - which confuses me because it does not add up. He is also adamant that I am a completely self absorbed narcissist, that I financially abuse him (by depending on him), and that I am now using my dog to make him feel bad.

I don't know what to do, I am trying not to completely hate myself for not getting myself and my little dog out of this situation. I feel so shattered that I haven't given her a better life, and can't save her from this now. I feel quite sick to my stomach and just don't know what to do.

My diabetes barely even factors in at this point.
It's funny how narcissistic people always tell others that they are. They're the victim, blame everything on others and take no responsibility whatsoever for what (they perceive as) went wrong in their lives. Not saying he is one.... But he does sound an awful lot like my father, even down to the blame for suicidal thoughts, and he was properly diagnosed as one. We can't diagnose diabetes on here, we can't diagnose mental illnesses on here, but I can tell you about the behavior he's displaying: It's called gaslighting, and it is abusive.

You might not see a way out, but someone else might. Get in touch with social services, see whether they can help get you out and set up elsewhere. This is not a healthy situation for you, nor anyone, really, so.... If you can start looking for help to get out, please, do. Because he's not going to change, and your life should be better than this.

HUG!
Jo
 

ElenaP

Well-Known Member
Messages
518
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Pump
...... I had a very bad meltdown (I don't know if I have autism or just sensory issues, but it is something that happens to me)....

.... my little dog ...
You have already received sound advice from others. Speaking with people who have seen/heard these situations previously will help you to think more clearly, and plan accordingly.

You don't say how you feel or behave when you have a "meltdown". If you were to make an appointment with a GP to discuss that problem, it would give you another opening to seek help for the wider relationship problem.

I am sorry to hear your dog being unwell. Dogs are wonderful, and great emotional support, but they do not live as long as humans. Uncomfortable as it may be, try think if your actions would be different once the dog is no longer with you. This may give you courage to plan ahead.

Good luck.
 

rosemaree

Member
Messages
6
Type of diabetes
LADA
Treatment type
Insulin
Thank you all for the responses, sorry if I am a bit scattered, but I will try answer:

@Jaylee I had to look up the 'red pill' thing - it does not seem like the kind of thing he would read, but you never know. He has openly told me he is better than other men, and he generally gets protective/defensive where other woman are involved which makes it seem like it is just me he hates. When I have tried to bring it up that it is a bit hurtful to watch him defend other women but leave me to fend for myself in that regard he just fobs it off as either I don't deserve the help, or I don't actually need it.

@MrsA2 @RAPS_od I am unfortunately not in the UK, and the social services in my country are so overwhelmed, I doubt my case would even be considered. I have tried to reach out to therapists and counsellors over the years, so far it has caused me more harm, so I am quite apprehensive.

@JoKalsbeek I generally end up questioning what is wrong with me - I can't pretend I don't have problems, and I have been made to feel difficult my whole life. My mom also used to react badly to me, she would tell me that I was a spoilt brat, scream at me and hit me when I had a meltdown as a kid. I also had a doctor tell me that I am the one with the problem because I struggled with all of the few close relations I had (I was the common denominator hence the problem according to her and it has always stuck with me). The same doctor used to encourage me to leave, but then she met my partner once and her whole demeanor changed, she could not stop talking about what a charming person he was.

@ElenaP I don't really know how to explain it, but I start getting quite agitated, and then everything goes wrong - so last week, I was trying to clean up the kitchen and make dinner, I kept dropping things, spilt flour everywhere, tripped over a drawer, the landlords dog was sitting at the door barking incessantly and triggering my little dog who I need not to stress, my fingers felt like a million little paper cuts (I have this weird thing were my fingertips split and crack), I burnt the vegetables, and then my skin started itching and crawling so bad and I ended up ripping out a handful of my hair. Sometimes when I feel it starting I try to lie down in a quiet spot and put my head under a pillow with really soft piano music and that sometimes stops it from progressing, but I am not always able to do that. I have tried to talk to doctors about it and have mostly been made to feel crazy, I have only ever been offered anti depressants - no further investigation or treatment. When I asked about being tested for mental health issues I was told I was too clever for the tests. The last therapist I tried to get in contact with actually wouldn't see me and told me I need to be put in an inpatient program (even though she acknowledged that would not be possible).

I cannot make any big changes or stress my little dog out at this point, even just trying to plan for the future makes me feel like I am waiting for her to pass, and I just want to be here with her and enjoy what time we have.

Sorry, I feel like I am making a big drama for nothing. I am so confused.
 
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Jaylee

Oracle
Retired Moderator
Messages
18,705
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Insulin
Thank you all for the responses, sorry if I am a bit scattered, but I will try answer:

@Jaylee I had to look up the 'red pill' thing - it does not seem like the kind of thing he would read, but you never know. He has openly told me he is better than other men, and he generally gets protective/defensive where other woman are involved which makes it seem like it is just me he hates. When I have tried to bring it up that it is a bit hurtful to watch him defend other women but leave me to fend for myself in that regard he just fobs it off as either I don't deserve the help, or I don't actually need it.
Hi,

Still attempting to understand.
Who are these “other women?”
In what capacity are they involved with the issue??
 
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Antje77

Guru
Retired Moderator
Messages
20,902
Type of diabetes
LADA
Treatment type
Insulin
Sorry, I feel like I am making a big drama for nothing. I am so confused.
You are definitely not making a big drama for nothing, you are having a very hard time.
Keep posting, sharing your thoughts can help a little, and it can also lead to finding solutions.

Sending a hug for lack of practical advice!
 
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MrsA2

Expert
Messages
6,791
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Diet only
Sometimes when I feel it starting I try to lie down in a quiet spot and put my head under a pillow with really soft piano music and that sometimes stops it from progressing,
You might get some relief from doing this kind of mediation daily, then when you need it urgently it will work even faster.
There are thousands of free calming things to listen to on this app
Find one you like then listen to it at least once a day (or more if you can). It will help you feel better about yourself over time.