Ashamed.

I have an appointment today with my DSN and really need to be honest and frank with her. Things are not going well but I know from past experiences I need to open up and admit that things aren't good to get the help I need. BUT I'm so ashamed of myself for letting things slide again. I can't remember when I last checked my blood glucose or followed my insulin regime properly and she was one of the people who worked so hard to get me to where I was. I don't want to admit I've failed again and let myself down and also let her down. Anybody else been here before?

Thankyou all for your kind words, I'm hopeful that this is a step in the right direction. Is it normal to mentally struggle this much with diabetes? It's been years since my diagnosis and I thought I'd have reached the point where it felt normal now. Instead it's been years of struggling and fighting to try and keep afloat, even with all the awareness of what this self neglect can do. I just need to be at a point where it's easier and routine and where I don't feel ashamed of myself all the time or embarrassed to ask for help.

Juicyj said:

Yes ! It is normal, blood glucose control and mental health are all intricately linked - high and low blood glucose levels feed anxiety and depression, that's why stability as much as possible and staying in your target range as much as you can will help you mentally cope better. Then there's resilience too to cope with the ups and downs, dealing with the constant attention of the condition, it's no wonder DSN's worry about our mental health.

Have you ever tried to understand where your shame and embarrassment has come from, do you get good support from family and friends ? Negative emotions are not helpful so finding out the source of yours will help you in overcoming them, also read this thread: https://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/5-things-any-newly-diagnosed-type-1-should-know.175425/

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I have ideas about where it comes from but I could just be taking a stab in the dark. I don't really have any family or friends I can talk to about it, not because they wouldn't listen but again because I feel too ashamed and embarrassed and I don't like to feel that I'm putting on people or burdening them with my problems. Plus because I've been at this point before it always feels like a broken record scenario, I talk, I get help, I do okay for a while then boom back to square one and I worry they'll get fed up and I'll push people away. I know deep down I just need help, mentally and with my diabetes.

Juicyj said:

Sorry to hear you feel this way @philly1991 - however it's holding you back from taking care of yourself. Friends and family are there to support you, so you shouldn't feel this way about talking to them, I always chat to mine about what's going on so they feel involved, relationships without diabetes are still about support so with or without this condition we need help, support, guidance along the way with life, I know no one can give me specialist advice but sometimes we all need to off load, otherwise we bottle up stuff and life becomes more complicated. You are experiencing many negatives so it does sound like you need some mental support from your Nurse, particularly as I said earlier, it's holding you back from taking better care of yourself, my trust offers CBT which helps to re-align negative thinking and perhaps something like this will help you ?

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I'm open to just about everything in all honesty. I can be quite a negative person and once I'm in that mindset it's very hard to snap back out of it so it's definitely worth a shot.

I had a good old cry at my appointment to get it all out, my DSN was very helpful and supportive as usual. It was nice to catch up with her and fill her in on everything. She basically reaffirmed everything that has been said in this thread, about how living with this condition is hard work and it's easy to burn out because you never get a break. Told me not to beat myself up about it and reassured me that I can get back on track again. She wants to see me again on the 12th and has asked for an up to date hba1c (I'd avoided it for this appointment as I know it will be dreadful).

In the meantime I'm going to start small and try to get back to checking my BG before meals and hopefully make a bit of headway before I see her.

Juicyj said:

Yes ! It is normal, blood glucose control and mental health are all intricately linked - high and low blood glucose levels feed anxiety and depression, that's why stability as much as possible and staying in your target range as much as you can will help you mentally cope better. Then there's resilience too to cope with the ups and downs, dealing with the constant attention of the condition, it's no wonder DSN's worry about our mental health.

Have you ever tried to understand where your shame and embarrassment has come from, do you get good support from family and friends ? Negative emotions are not helpful so finding out the source of yours will help you in overcoming them, also read this thread: https://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/5-things-any-newly-diagnosed-type-1-should-know.175425/

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I'm just having a read of this thread and it is such an eye opener from the off so thankyou for this

Some background whilst I'm feeling able to share. I believe my negative relationship with diabetes stems from my original DSN. When I was first diagnosed I was prescribed metformin and referred to the DESMOND programme which many of you will know is often the course of action when Type 2 diabetes is diagnosed/suspected. At the time she was very accusatory and quick to point the finger at myself and also my parents. In time I started to believe it was my fault and that I had done wrong. I took my medication as prescribed, attended every course they offered and every appointment but to no avail. My levels were still uncontrollable, I still felt horrendous and I was feeling guilty and ashamed because I honestly believed I had done this to myself. I also suffered the negative side effects of metformin and could never stray far from a toilet. It didn't take long for me to become seriously ill and I ended up hospitalised with DKA. Nobody ever said I had been misdiagnosed, they explained that sometimes when an individual is first diagnosed the pancreas will still produce small amounts of insulin but eventually this will stop (does anybody have any information about this or has anybody heard about this before?) So they then diagnosed type 1 but obviously those negative feelings were already deep rooted and I'm still in turmoil with myself even though I know I'm not to blame.

Juicyj said:

It’s quite a relief to open up so no wonder you had a cry, I’ve also had tears with my DSN but mostly because she is so wonderful and has done so much for me when I’ve needed it.

Your initial diagnosis sounds terrible, you would of been feeling so poorly with the high BG levels and metformin so at your most vulnerable - but as the other thread suggests there is no room for guilt or shame with diabetes, they are unhelpful emotions and will impinge on your care, so keep leaning on your DSN, ask about mental health support, each trust is different but if you can get some support it will help you move forwards from this.

I am also happy to chat via PM too, so feel free to message me anytime x

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Thankyou so much, this means the world

EllieM said:

Maybe your DN could get you a freestyle libre to take some of the stress out of blood testing. (Believe me, as a T1 for 51 years, I've had many periods of extremely intermittent testing. And the longer you leave it before going to an appointment the more you dread it...)

But I do think you were poorly treated with an initial T2 diagnosis. Given your age, they should have done the tests to see whether you were T1 or T2, and not just assumed T2.

Lots of virtual hugs.

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I trialled the libre this time last year, great at first but then I went through a stage where my BG was low all the time (I'd lost weight and was exercising more so needed to make some adjustments) and with the libre i found if I'd had a hypo it read low for hours so I had to confirm with bloods and after that I just seemed to move away from it.

I still have one in my cupboard that I could use and discuss with my DSN when I have my next appointment.

What are people's thoughts on an insulin pump? It's something I have wanted for years, does anybody have any experience of changing to/from? Which do you prefer? Would it be beneficial for somebody who is struggling like myself or could it make it worse?
TIA