Ashamed.

[philly1991]

I have an appointment today with my DSN and really need to be honest and frank with her. Things are not going well but I know from past experiences I need to open up and admit that things aren't good to get the help I need. BUT I'm so ashamed of myself for letting things slide again. I can't remember when I last checked my blood glucose or followed my insulin regime properly and she was one of the people who worked so hard to get me to where I was. I don't want to admit I've failed again and let myself down and also let her down. Anybody else been here before?

 

[PenguinMum]

I have an appointment today with my DSN and really need to be honest and frank with her. Things are not going well but I know from past experiences I need to open up and admit that things aren't good to get the help I need. BUT I'm so ashamed of myself for letting things slide again. I can't remember when I last checked my blood glucose or followed my insulin regime properly and she was one of the people who worked so hard to get me to where I was. I don't want to admit I've failed again and let myself down and also let her down. Anybody else been here before?

I am T2 Philly so can’t appreciate how hard it can be for T1s BUT don’t feel ashamed. If you have let things slide a bit you won’t be the only patient your DN will see in that category. She sounds very encouraging and she will be glad you decided to come back for help, i wish you well for your appointment today and for getting a good routine going again. You can do it!

 

[Jax21]

I am T2 so again as PenguinMum has said I can't appreciate the difficulty of T1's. BUT I have been in the same position lately, totally (in my case) let things slide and messed up, I got a fright when I tested my blood glucose, i'd been ignoring carbs...however am now back on track, albeit a work in progress. Am sure you and I are not the only ones. Your nurse will see it a lot I think, it's not easy. Good luck today, if it was me I would just get myself there and am sure you can re start a routine again.

 

[CharlotteAT]

I have an appointment today with my DSN and really need to be honest and frank with her. Things are not going well but I know from past experiences I need to open up and admit that things aren't good to get the help I need. BUT I'm so ashamed of myself for letting things slide again. I can't remember when I last checked my blood glucose or followed my insulin regime properly and she was one of the people who worked so hard to get me to where I was. I don't want to admit I've failed again and let myself down and also let her down. Anybody else been here before?

Please don't feel ashamed...just be completely honest with her - I'm T1 - have been for 50 years, and I've had some very high & low episodes over the years. Not being able to maintain superb control 100% of the time is to be expected, and this last 12 months has been really hard in so many respects. Today is Day 1 - set up a new plan with your DSN and go form there. Good luck x

 

[Grant_Vicat]

I have an appointment today with my DSN and really need to be honest and frank with her. Things are not going well but I know from past experiences I need to open up and admit that things aren't good to get the help I need. BUT I'm so ashamed of myself for letting things slide again. I can't remember when I last checked my blood glucose or followed my insulin regime properly and she was one of the people who worked so hard to get me to where I was. I don't want to admit I've failed again and let myself down and also let her down. Anybody else been here before?

Just consider the enormous pressure caused by current fear and anxiety worldwide and then add in Type1. There is absolutely no cause for shame, more like congratulations for trying to dig yourself out of all this. Good luck!

 

[Juicyj]

Hello @philly1991

Firstly, there is absolutely no need to feel ashamed and secondly you have not let anyone down.

It's incredible how much pressure we put on ourselves with this condition, gosh it's hard enough to live with the emotions of this condition, never mind the constant attention it requires.

Please cut yourself some slack, DSN's are not there to judge and if they do then that's wrong. As you have done here explain what's going on, be as open as you can, it's vital for your mental health more than anything, it's a release to let go of these negative emotions, starting a clean slate requires this, you will get help but only you can ask for it and being honest with your DSN is being honest with yourself, you'll get there but support is vital to help you back onto the ladder again. Please let us know how you get on ? x

 

[philly1991]

Thankyou all for your kind words, I'm hopeful that this is a step in the right direction. Is it normal to mentally struggle this much with diabetes? It's been years since my diagnosis and I thought I'd have reached the point where it felt normal now. Instead it's been years of struggling and fighting to try and keep afloat, even with all the awareness of what this self neglect can do. I just need to be at a point where it's easier and routine and where I don't feel ashamed of myself all the time or embarrassed to ask for help.

 

[Circuspony]

Thankyou all for your kind words, I'm hopeful that this is a step in the right direction. Is it normal to mentally struggle this much with diabetes? It's been years since my diagnosis and I thought I'd have reached the point where it felt normal now. Instead it's been years of struggling and fighting to try and keep afloat, even with all the awareness of what this self neglect can do. I just need to be at a point where it's easier and routine and where I don't feel ashamed of myself all the time or embarrassed to ask for help.

Chronic long term conditions are known to cause mental health issues - when there's just no holiday from something it becomes exhausting. Your DN should appreciate that because there is mental health support for T1ds. Whether or not it's available in the covid world is a different matter

Be gentle on yourself.

 

[Juicyj]

Is it normal to mentally struggle this much with diabetes?

Yes ! It is normal, blood glucose control and mental health are all intricately linked - high and low blood glucose levels feed anxiety and depression, that's why stability as much as possible and staying in your target range as much as you can will help you mentally cope better. Then there's resilience too to cope with the ups and downs, dealing with the constant attention of the condition, it's no wonder DSN's worry about our mental health.

Have you ever tried to understand where your shame and embarrassment has come from, do you get good support from family and friends ? Negative emotions are not helpful so finding out the source of yours will help you in overcoming them, also read this thread: https://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/5-things-any-newly-diagnosed-type-1-should-know.175425/

 

[philly1991]

Yes ! It is normal, blood glucose control and mental health are all intricately linked - high and low blood glucose levels feed anxiety and depression, that's why stability as much as possible and staying in your target range as much as you can will help you mentally cope better. Then there's resilience too to cope with the ups and downs, dealing with the constant attention of the condition, it's no wonder DSN's worry about our mental health.

Have you ever tried to understand where your shame and embarrassment has come from, do you get good support from family and friends ? Negative emotions are not helpful so finding out the source of yours will help you in overcoming them, also read this thread: https://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/5-things-any-newly-diagnosed-type-1-should-know.175425/

I have ideas about where it comes from but I could just be taking a stab in the dark. I don't really have any family or friends I can talk to about it, not because they wouldn't listen but again because I feel too ashamed and embarrassed and I don't like to feel that I'm putting on people or burdening them with my problems. Plus because I've been at this point before it always feels like a broken record scenario, I talk, I get help, I do okay for a while then boom back to square one and I worry they'll get fed up and I'll push people away. I know deep down I just need help, mentally and with my diabetes.

 

[Juicyj]

Sorry to hear you feel this way @philly1991 - however it's holding you back from taking care of yourself. Friends and family are there to support you, so you shouldn't feel this way about talking to them, I always chat to mine about what's going on so they feel involved, relationships without diabetes are still about support so with or without this condition we need help, support, guidance along the way with life, I know no one can give me specialist advice but sometimes we all need to off load, otherwise we bottle up stuff and life becomes more complicated. You are experiencing many negatives so it does sound like you need some mental support from your Nurse, particularly as I said earlier, it's holding you back from taking better care of yourself, my trust offers CBT which helps to re-align negative thinking and perhaps something like this will help you ?

 

[philly1991]

Sorry to hear you feel this way @philly1991 - however it's holding you back from taking care of yourself. Friends and family are there to support you, so you shouldn't feel this way about talking to them, I always chat to mine about what's going on so they feel involved, relationships without diabetes are still about support so with or without this condition we need help, support, guidance along the way with life, I know no one can give me specialist advice but sometimes we all need to off load, otherwise we bottle up stuff and life becomes more complicated. You are experiencing many negatives so it does sound like you need some mental support from your Nurse, particularly as I said earlier, it's holding you back from taking better care of yourself, my trust offers CBT which helps to re-align negative thinking and perhaps something like this will help you ?

I'm open to just about everything in all honesty. I can be quite a negative person and once I'm in that mindset it's very hard to snap back out of it so it's definitely worth a shot.

I had a good old cry at my appointment to get it all out, my DSN was very helpful and supportive as usual. It was nice to catch up with her and fill her in on everything. She basically reaffirmed everything that has been said in this thread, about how living with this condition is hard work and it's easy to burn out because you never get a break. Told me not to beat myself up about it and reassured me that I can get back on track again. She wants to see me again on the 12th and has asked for an up to date hba1c (I'd avoided it for this appointment as I know it will be dreadful).

In the meantime I'm going to start small and try to get back to checking my BG before meals and hopefully make a bit of headway before I see her.

 

[philly1991]

Yes ! It is normal, blood glucose control and mental health are all intricately linked - high and low blood glucose levels feed anxiety and depression, that's why stability as much as possible and staying in your target range as much as you can will help you mentally cope better. Then there's resilience too to cope with the ups and downs, dealing with the constant attention of the condition, it's no wonder DSN's worry about our mental health.

Have you ever tried to understand where your shame and embarrassment has come from, do you get good support from family and friends ? Negative emotions are not helpful so finding out the source of yours will help you in overcoming them, also read this thread: https://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/5-things-any-newly-diagnosed-type-1-should-know.175425/

I'm just having a read of this thread and it is such an eye opener from the off so thankyou for this

Some background whilst I'm feeling able to share. I believe my negative relationship with diabetes stems from my original DSN. When I was first diagnosed I was prescribed metformin and referred to the DESMOND programme which many of you will know is often the course of action when Type 2 diabetes is diagnosed/suspected. At the time she was very accusatory and quick to point the finger at myself and also my parents. In time I started to believe it was my fault and that I had done wrong. I took my medication as prescribed, attended every course they offered and every appointment but to no avail. My levels were still uncontrollable, I still felt horrendous and I was feeling guilty and ashamed because I honestly believed I had done this to myself. I also suffered the negative side effects of metformin and could never stray far from a toilet. It didn't take long for me to become seriously ill and I ended up hospitalised with DKA. Nobody ever said I had been misdiagnosed, they explained that sometimes when an individual is first diagnosed the pancreas will still produce small amounts of insulin but eventually this will stop (does anybody have any information about this or has anybody heard about this before?) So they then diagnosed type 1 but obviously those negative feelings were already deep rooted and I'm still in turmoil with myself even though I know I'm not to blame.

 

[Juicyj]

It’s quite a relief to open up so no wonder you had a cry, I’ve also had tears with my DSN but mostly because she is so wonderful and has done so much for me when I’ve needed it.

Your initial diagnosis sounds terrible, you would of been feeling so poorly with the high BG levels and metformin so at your most vulnerable - but as the other thread suggests there is no room for guilt or shame with diabetes, they are unhelpful emotions and will impinge on your care, so keep leaning on your DSN, ask about mental health support, each trust is different but if you can get some support it will help you move forwards from this.

I am also happy to chat via PM too, so feel free to message me anytime x

 

[Ushthetaff]

Oh yes yes yes I’ve been there and some , use to deliberately miss appointments . Please don’t be ashamed , it’s not a lost cause if it was you wouldn’t feel the way you are . I’m sure your DSN will understand , you’ve done the hard part by admitting you’ve “ let things slide “ life and diabetes are both very similar ! Both give you knocks but after we get up dust our selves down we can start over again , one thing I have seen in most diabetics is we do learn very well from experiences wether they be good or bad .

 

[philly1991]

It’s quite a relief to open up so no wonder you had a cry, I’ve also had tears with my DSN but mostly because she is so wonderful and has done so much for me when I’ve needed it.

Your initial diagnosis sounds terrible, you would of been feeling so poorly with the high BG levels and metformin so at your most vulnerable - but as the other thread suggests there is no room for guilt or shame with diabetes, they are unhelpful emotions and will impinge on your care, so keep leaning on your DSN, ask about mental health support, each trust is different but if you can get some support it will help you move forwards from this.

I am also happy to chat via PM too, so feel free to message me anytime x

Thankyou so much, this means the world

 

[Peter03]

Don't be ashamed admitting you have not been looking after yourself is the first step to looking after yourselve

 

[EllieM]

In the meantime I'm going to start small and try to get back to checking my BG before meals and hopefully make a bit of headway before I see her.

Maybe your DN could get you a freestyle libre to take some of the stress out of blood testing. (Believe me, as a T1 for 51 years, I've had many periods of extremely intermittent testing. And the longer you leave it before going to an appointment the more you dread it...)

But I do think you were poorly treated with an initial T2 diagnosis. Given your age, they should have done the tests to see whether you were T1 or T2, and not just assumed T2.

Lots of virtual hugs.

 

[philly1991]

Maybe your DN could get you a freestyle libre to take some of the stress out of blood testing. (Believe me, as a T1 for 51 years, I've had many periods of extremely intermittent testing. And the longer you leave it before going to an appointment the more you dread it...)

But I do think you were poorly treated with an initial T2 diagnosis. Given your age, they should have done the tests to see whether you were T1 or T2, and not just assumed T2.

Lots of virtual hugs.

I trialled the libre this time last year, great at first but then I went through a stage where my BG was low all the time (I'd lost weight and was exercising more so needed to make some adjustments) and with the libre i found if I'd had a hypo it read low for hours so I had to confirm with bloods and after that I just seemed to move away from it.

I still have one in my cupboard that I could use and discuss with my DSN when I have my next appointment.

What are people's thoughts on an insulin pump? It's something I have wanted for years, does anybody have any experience of changing to/from? Which do you prefer? Would it be beneficial for somebody who is struggling like myself or could it make it worse?
TIA

 

[EllieM]

What are people's thoughts on an insulin pump? It's something I have wanted for years, does anybody have any experience of changing to/from? Which do you prefer? Would it be beneficial for somebody who is struggling like myself or could it make it worse?

I have reasons for not going on an insulin pump (skin allergies that mean I just cope with a cgm but don't want to overload myself with a pump) but at your age I'd certainly consider it. I'm sure they provide better control, but you probably need more commitment in terms of testing.... But if you combined one with a cgm it might be the way to go.

I had to stop using the libre when I became allergic and it became hopelessly inaccurate, but the dexcom I currently self fund has been much more accurate, plus I can calibrate it with my glucometer if it starts reading low (particularly likely in the first 24 hours).

In your position, I'd go for a cgm before a pump (libre 2 is now available), and then work up to a pump once you have the data to understand how your body reacts to food, exercise and insulin.

Remember that it is never too late to get on top of your diabetic control.

Good luck.