Burnt out and struggling

[Jsphhlm]

I've had type 1 diabetes for 26 years. I've been really struggling to care about my health for a good few years now. I do try to look after myself and never miss injections with meals, always take my long acting insulin but my control is and has been fairly poor for a long while now.

I have a 3 month old son, and my partner lost her dad to poor control over his diabetes a couple of years ago. I really don't want to put her through that again and the thought of my son growing up without a dad scares me, but I just cannot seem to motivate myself to look after myself properly.

I'm sick and tired of trying to make things work to no avail. I'm fed up with doctors talking to me like it's such a simple thing to do, like it's a choice I should be making to just be better.

I've been taking anti depressants for a little bit now but I don't think that's helping me any and am planning on seeing someone soon to try and get on the right path with that.

The thing is I just cannot motivate myself. I know it isn't going to go away but I don't see things getting any better whether I actually try or not.
Not sure if anyone else has had similar experiences and has managed to pull themselves out of it but I think it'd help to hear others' experiences.

 

[EllieM]

Hi @Jsphhlm and welcome to the forums.

I am sorry you are in such a dark place at the moment but I truly believe that it doesn't have to stay like that. I suspect that your depression may be affecting your attitude to your diabetes so it's good that you are seeing someone about that.

After 52 years of T1 and some periods of quite dreadful control (eg teenager pre glucometer when I injected fixed doses but ate what I liked) I am firmly if the opinion that sometimes T1 just doesn't want to play ball and also some people genuinely have metabolisms that are easier to balance than others. However, if you persevere and take help from wherever you can get it, things can improve. And no matter what complications you have, it's never too late to improve your control to slow them down and in some cases even reverse them.

In my case I always found things easier when I tested more often, so I strongly urge you to push your team for a cgm (continuous glucose monitor) if you haven't already got one. Also good record keeping does help to see patterns (yes, I'm bad at that).

As for diabetic clinics, some are better than others. I usually reckon that I know more about my personal diabetes than they do, so use their advice to suggest things that I may not have heard of. (And of course, all those essential T1 tests so that complications can be picked up early). I would suggest ignoring any bad attitudes, if you can. They may deliver it badly, but they do know a lot about diabetes in general, some of which may be helpful to you.

And diabetes technology improves all the time (I love my dexcom), lots of people love their pumps, so that's another reason to keep attending your clinic.

Personally, I found I had good control when motivated (eg during pregnancies) but tended to drift into bad habits (inject but not testing much) at other times. So if I got a "bad" hba1c at the clinic, I'd try a bit harder for a while and improve a bit, and then I'd slip into poorer control when I got a better one.

Investing in a freestyle libre (now replaced by a dexcom) made a massive difference to me, because I could get immediate feedback on how my insulin affects my bg. And after over 4 decades of diabetes, it was only when I came to New Zealand that the team sat me down and explained properly about how to calculate things like correction and insulin ratios, everyone else had just assumed I already knew....

Good luck and lots of virtual hugs from NZ

 

[Juicyj]

Hello @Jsphhlm As Ellie has rightly said, depression does affect your ability to manage your condition, the 2 seem to be interlinked and the hormones produced by depression also affect insulin sensitivity too, finding alternative ways to cope with your depression would help. Each individual responds differently, so it's finding what works for you, personally I got into running as it frees up my head when things get too much, it's the only time I rarely think about t1d, I try to do a lot of trail running this time of year to get out into the fields and woods and find that helps a lot, even walks in the park or a green space help, deep breathing can help calm the mind, others use music/art/meditation, you can get cognitive behavioural therapy on the NHS, just ask your team to refer you. Personally when I hit my lowest ebb with t1d I did some meditation with a Buddhist group and it really lifted me, after suffering for 2-3 months I can remember walking out of my second or third session as if I was walking on air.

Talk to others too about how your feeling, it's good you're on here, this can help knowing your not alone and others have been through or are experiencing the same.

 

[Dobsfidge68]

Hi JSP,

On your third paragraph.

I was told 40 years ago I needed to keep my bloods close to 5.6mmol.

I was told 20 years ago to keep it closer to 6.

I nearly killed my wife and two children while having a hypo at the wheel at 70 mph. My wife noticed and talked and helped me into a lay-by.

I went to see a Prof at Oxford who told me to try and keep it between 5-10. If you run it too low too often you use up the bodies natural warning chemicals until there is no more left and the warning signal doesn’t get to the brain. This I had done trying to follow the advice of my Nurse (over 20 years ago).

I have recently got a Libre 2 (luckily on prescription in Herefordshire,GB) and now know why my HBA1c was always too high and that the non diabetic nurse was giving me false hope by insisting I needed to improve. Blah blah blah.

I would say the first step in to try and push for a 24 hour monitoring system as per the person above suggested.

This will then give you and the NHS the ammunition to A) you to start understanding your own bodies reactions and 2) the NHS can force lazy money making Insulin producers to research better insulins that act closer to food being absorbed by the body and finish quicker also. Rant over.

I am lucky as when I get anxious and stressed I just get angry and tend to get on my bike or take the dogs for a walk so am not qualified on the depression side but I am qualified to say you are the only person that knows your body and don’t let anybody make you feel that this is simple.One of the major organs in your body is not operating correctly, it’s not easy.

Just keep talking