Christmas Cracker Jokes

[Robinredbreast]

"Medal of Groaning" awarded with oak leaves now lmao

Why thank you eddie, writing a thank you speech right now..........................

 

[eddie1968]

Guy goes into pub, orders 10 triple Vodkas and as the barman lines them up he grabs them quickly and slugs them all down the hatch consecutively in minutes.
The barman says "I think you have a problem !"
The guy retorts" "I know, I've only got 20p"
Lol

 

[eddie1968]

My head is full of stoopid jokes lol, don't even google jokes, that's sad indeed. Trying to wake up and get on full blast.

What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
Lol

 

[eddie1968]

Why thank you eddie, writing a thank you speech right now..........................

Stand to attention to receive your oak leaves cluster to your already awarded Medal of Groaning lmao.

David Beckham is so dumb he went to the Superbowl last year and took a giant spoon.
Lol

 

[Clivethedrive]

 

[Blondie153]

Inno Blondie lmao...tell us all some Scotsman jokes l. I'm a Celt and can ridicule my own kind. I might behave...maybe lol

Couldn't possibly, my scottish cousins would come and kill me!!!

 

[Robbity]

View attachment 16654

You're just crackers....

Robbity

 

[Clivethedrive]

You're just crackers....

Robbity

 

[RYU]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. "Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”

*********************

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[Clivethedrive]

1) Angels
Bert, aged 25. 'My wife's an angel'.
Don, aged 57. 'Your lucky, mine is still alive'.

2) Christmas Kiss
Romeo: What would it take to make you kiss me under the mistletoe
An anaesthetic

 

[Clivethedrive]

Sung To the Tune of "Deck The Halls"

Deck the malls this Christmas season,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Blow your cash for no good reason,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Push your charge card to its limit
fa la la, la la la, la la la
Your check book now has nothing in it.
fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

[eddie1968]

Paddy and Mick are having breakfast and Paddy says "This jigsaw's very difficult."
Mick replies "Just eat the Frosties Mick !"

 

[Shar67]

I won a medal at the sun tan olympics
I got bronze (d)

 

[RYU]

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

 

[Robinredbreast]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. "Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”

*********************

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

What size are the Christmas crackers you buy lol

Possibly..................................