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Feel as though I am a total failure

Geminigirl

Well-Known Member
Messages
165
Location
Suffolk
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Insulin
Dislikes
Spicy food, 2 faced people.
Hi,

Am looking for some advice/bottom kicking etc.....I haven't posted on the forum for ages but I read it daily.

I am feeling so lost at the moment. I have been T2 for years now and have gone back and forth from diet controlled to various meds.

I cannot manage Metformin, even SR at all as it plays hell with my IBS. I have in the past been on Gliclazide and for the past 18 months Glimperimide. I have been getting awful HBAIC results and am due again this week. Last time (6months ago) I promised to try to take better control but have failed miserably and now feel so low.

I am battling with Fibromyalgia and again, can't tolerate the nerve reduction type meds so rely on pain relief instead. I can't exercise as much a I need to. The physio wanted my GP to refer me to a pain clinic and she refused.

I am overweight but for some reason I just can't focus! I have been accepted onto the tier three weight loss programme and have an appt with the bariatric team next week as I have been on it 8 months. I have no where near lost the 5% body weight they asked me to so I am expecting a grilling. I don't like the group, they are unfriendly and I don't feel I am learning anything all we do is get told one slice of bread is one portion of carbs, then we sit around drinking coffee, it's boring! . The eat well plate is their bible and I feel it's way too many carbs.

I don't even know if I want to have surgery, I suppose I need to lose max 4 stones so I feel it's a bit over the top for me when other people need it more. I am also very scared of surgery, as I have several med conds to contend with.

I did lose 6 stones several yrs ago with a VLCD but suffered three quick bereavements and slipped on my way of eating so gradually have put 4 back on. I would willingly do it again but my GP won't agree and without that I can't do it. It sent my readings to completely normal.

I do suffer from a degree of depression and anxiety, I know I need to pull myself together. I now have blurred vision and tested yesterday, two hrs after a meal and I was at 21!!!! That scared the hell out of me. I am constantly tired and so irritable and at times quite unreasonable with my hubby who has the patience of a saint. Strangely I am not peeing that much and am not hungry or thirsty. I just feel horrid and have thrush and a sore mouth. I am also very "heady" and hot and bothered, almost like the change.....which I finished at least three yrs ago.

I have no probs with the retinal screening, dopla pulses etc but I know I am playing with fire here. I honestly don't know what it will take to buck me up. Is this burnout?

I am having Counselling at the moment for pain and anxiety. My daughter is getting married next year and I don't want to be this big but in my heart I feel I will be, I am so angry with myself. I have had CBT numerous times. I live up north (moved here to be nr my daughter but I have no one else apart from her and my hubby for support) and my GP says there isn't anymore help he can refer me to. The CBT was by phone and everything is "6" weeks worth, it's not enough.

I think my fear is what will the nurse put me on next? I dread new meds and have quite an issue with it, I read the leaflets then almost will myself to get the side effects. I know she mentioned Insulin last time. Would it be better for me do you think? Does it have all the poss side effects tablets do? I know you can get sore and probs with the injection sites but other than that is it reasonably side effect free? The GP however told me I will pile on the weight if I go on it so I am weary with it all.

I have also had terrible hypos in the past when the Gliglazide was doing its work so I suppose I am also worrying about going onto Insulin AND cutting my carbs. I am so confused.

Sorry to sound like a whinging old woman but I have never felt so hopeless in my life.

Any word of wisdom would help.

My answer to that high reading btw was just not to test anymore!

Thanks for listening. X
 
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I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. I can't really help I'm new and inexperienced only having been diagnosed 9 weeks ago. However I've had so much help and support from the lovely people here that I'm sure someone will come along soon with some suggestions for you. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug while you wait for other replies.
 
Hey there, @Geminigirl - and welcome back.

Firstly, that you came back shows you've still got some fight in you. Your situation isn't your fault - look at what you've had to deal with on top of managing your illness:


You're frightened, you're disillusioned, you're helpless, you're blaming yourself and - guess what? - none of this is your fault. None of it. You've lost trust in the people meant to help you (questionably at times), you're in constant pain and you're grieving (a child getting married can be a form of grief). You've lost control - your burnout has long since happened - you're trying to take it all back now.

I can't speak for Insulin takers, but as far as I have read on this forum, a low carb diet - even a moderate carb diet - when followed with even half a fart of commitment has enabled (and that's the exact word for it) people to take control of their illness and, from there, feel more confident about their abilities to just be functional people.

Your many (******) things in the list I pared down from your post are all stripping away your confidence, deepening your anxiety and undermining your sense of control. But, as low and beaten as you feel now, something inside you clicked and made you post here. You're not new to these parts - maybe to some of the people here - so you know that this is a safe place where you can candidly and openly ask questions, seek support and get advice.

This is within your ability to deal with. Your life spiralled in many ways out of your control. But you can take it back and my read of things is that, by posting this, you just indicated that you're ready to start.

No-one who posts here is alone. Everything you need you already have.

You can do this.

Sock xx
 
Hi, I guess you are a Gemini like me...and that can mean a lot of self-analysis (unless you don't listen to that twin too much). of course you're down...you have reasons to be...but you also have reasons to be up so look for them more. You managed to lose 6 stone before! You know you can do it. I get that sadness knocked you back off the track..and it can seem things have control of you. You need an approach and that is all. You need to take control. You mantra needs to be "today I start to take control back". Advice? Personally, I would cut the carbohydrates right down and come off the Gliclazide if levels look like they are dropping too low. Do you test yourself. If not - GET A METER. Cutting carbs won't just help with the weight..it will also reduce the blood sugar levels. You can think about it...or you can try it. Good luck.
 
Hi @Geminigirl, all of us have had those moments of wanting to throw in the towel. Ranting on the forum is a good move as you have unlimited support here. Letting it out is good therapy, holding it in is disastrous over long term. My first three years as a diabetic were horror without end. But I am on top and surging forward. This is why I joined the forum. I wish you well and a speedy recovery.
 
Hi @Geminigirl ..
Seems to me that you have a couple of simple choices to make .. you say that you lost a lot of weight on VCLD some years ago .. so you know it works for you. You also say that your doctor won't agree with this but my question to that is so what? I see your choices as ..
# Ignore your doc's advice on diet .. it's your body, your diabetes, your decision .. not your doc's
# Go VLCD again .. or LCHF .. it works and it will work for you

The key point to take on board is that managing and controlling your diabetes through diet and testing your Blood Glucose, together with whatever exercise you can manage, seems to be the best way forward for many people. For me, committing to an LCHF (Low Carb High Fat) lifestyle and testing 3-5 times a day seems to be working and you'll find that there is a wealth of info, relevant advice and positive support about LCHF on the forum ..

I suggest that you read the discussion on the Low Carb Diet forum .. and the following Diet Doctor websites ...
Low Carb Intro and Information
Low Carbs in 60 Seconds

If you havn't already got one, it is a top priority that you get yourself a test meter and, for this, the following websites might help:
https://homehealth-uk.com/product-category/blood-glucose/
for the SD Codefree meter, which costs £12.98 (you don't pay VAT) or:
http://spirit-healthcare.co.uk/product/tee2-blood-glucose-meter/
who distribute the TEE 2 meter, which is free.
I have both for comparative purposes and I have never found any significant difference between them. Unless you are prescribed test strips by your doctor (unlikely), the costs of testing comes down to the ongoing charges for test strips and lancets. I'm testing 3-5 times a day which works out at around £10 to £12 per month for either of the two packages above but, more importantly, I now know what my BG levels are .. and I can now manage them
Hope this helps
 
Hello.
I'm with you all the way!

Ok listen.
Stop panicking!!!
Listen.

Your post told me you know how to lose weight but your body is having different ideas.

Importantly. If you don't want surgery. Don't. It isn't the right time for you!
I'm on TIer3 and have just lost the weight by insulin injections, walking (in agony, on max tramadol) and orilstat tablets from dietician via endocrologist. More importantly I can use metformin, in bits and starts. I make it work for me. You are different to me. Your body is working different to mine, at mo.
Yes I'm on insulin and did add a little weight on it (less due to low carbing) but I am more confident due to excellent bgs (well other than very hot day hypers).
That confidence has change things around for me. I too felt lost and hated my body for not responding properly to starvation and exercise or eat well plate.
You still need to find your happy place with your diabetes, before any surgery!

Get your bgs in line first!!!
No surgeon would touch you such high bgs anyway hun.
Concentrate on diabetes first then weight loss hun.
Please.
I'm available via PMs if you ever want to chat. @Geminigirl
Keep smiling as you will soon be half way there. Doing it in 2 parts is far far easier.
 
I'm sure gliclizide patients under nhs get free meter and strips @AM1874 . i like your info anyway. A watcher may definitely need that info.
 
Try a Low Carb High Fat diet. See https://www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb for some ideas.

This will help you get your blood sugars lower and lose weight at the same time. Use your glucose meter to check which foods spike your blood sugars. You should get some positive results very soon and that will give you confidence to continue.
 
Hi so sorry you are going through such a rough time. A mountain can be climbed one small step at a time. I know it is very hard and it seems overwhelming . But you can do this. Choose a small thing to do today. Make a tiny change then tomorrow makes another tiny change. It doesn't matter what change. One small step today. What will you change today?
 
Hi @Geminigirl The answers are all in your post, perhaps writing it has helped you think things through. You desperately need to lose weight and to bring down your sugar levels, you know this. The one thing that has worked for you in the past is a low carb diet. Do this again and you will sort out many of your problems. Make it a permanent life style, not a diet. You say you packed in low carb last time following a series of bereavements, that was then, this is now. While the pain of those bereavements is, no doubt, still with you, they are not a reason to speed up your own departure from this life. As for your doctor, it is none of his/her business what you choose to eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner, especially if the medically recommended food intake is making you ill and costing the health service a fortune. If you need support and advice to get you going and keep you going with low carb, get it here. The advice will be based on genuine knowledge and experience.
You can do it,
Sally
 
I have found that sugar free jelly helps with the demanding sweet tooth. I use the little packets and make up a pint at a time. Then with double cream on top it is a satisfying 'sweet'.

Try to take it just one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.
 
I too have "roller coasted" with my weight - off five stone, putting 6 back, off 4 stone putting 5 back gradually feeling iller and tireder but without the willpower to actually do anything about it. Knowing I was ruining my health and feeling that I had given myself such a mountain to climb that trying to do anything at all was just not worth the bother and as a result feeling a tiny bit more self loathing every day - hating it when I needed to go out, hating summer , feeling perpetually hungry.

I had explored bariatric surgery but was too scared to do it. So I had grown out of more and clothes over the years.

Then one day last year I got the diabetes diagnosis. I had known myself for least 2 years that that was my problem, and my symptoms had actually begun about 12 years ago, and now I was severely diabetic.

About a year before diagnosis - I had lost 15 kg ( from 115 to 100 ) by April 2016 using a low fat diet. I had done that because I was going to go to a wedding in Oct 2016. But my will power had deserted me in April and between April and July I had put the entire lot back on leaving me back at square one and still panicking about the wedding.

The day I was diagnosed I put myself on a LCHF diet limited to 30g carbs and life started to get better. The lbs became stones and by the day of the wedding I was 98Kg again. Now I'm 27 kilos down in total and healthier than I've been in years, without any drugs and I feel like I can control this thing going forward. I have been on a weight plateau for a while and whilst I would like to lose more weight, this is the first time ever that I have " gone off" my diet but been able to maintain my weight by continuing to eat LCHF.

You can do this too, and when you posted here its a recognition that you are ready to give it another try.

If I were you I would start with a bacon and egg diet weekend.

Buy a packet of eggs and bacon rashers , a tub of mushrooms and tomatoes and a packet of butter. Plus some fresh spinach. Make it into 6 meals Each meal will work out at around 275 calories. Only eat the next one when you feel hungry. I would be surprised if you feel the need to eat 6 of these meals in one day, though even if you did the result is only going to be about 1500 calories . I find that I can make this last two days reasonably easily and when I do it gets me into ketosis - because it is very high fat, very low calorie overall and packed full of nutrients and tastes deliciously " bad for you " rather like I am cocking a snook at the establishment for giving me such bad advice over the years.

Once I've done this for long enough to get me into proper nutritional ketosis its a lot easier to not eat much without being accompanied by huge hunger pangs.

That works for me to get me on track again. Give it a try - you might be pleasantly surprised!
 
I like @CherryAA . I found a meal I could rely on to beat my carb cravings.
Mine was pre-boiled veg made into a hot stir-fry (it was winter).
I added cheap seasonings to lift their flavour. I filled my tum.

I need a huge amount less now to feel full.

What is your favourite foods?
 
One thing @Geminigirl does not seem to have problems with is carb cravings or how to feel full, at least she doesn't mention it. Reading the original post again, she does seem to be the sort of person who needs support and approval for her actions. Instead of just walking away from a useless weight loss group and ignoring a stupid doctor, she gets confused by it. What we can offer here is support, guidance and links to things that really do work. Perhaps someone could provide a link to this site's Low Carb programme and to the Diet Doctor version and anything similar. A structured programme maybe just what Gemini Girl needs.
Must dash ...
Sally
 
Hi @Geminigirl

Here are the links that @sally and james suggested.

www.dietdoctor.com
and
https://www.diabetes.co.uk/lowcarb/

I myself have done the DietDoctor low carbing menu plans for several months this year, and I can confirm that I felt great. No hunger, loved the food, mind and body all comfortable - certainly none of that brain fog apathy that comes with high blood glucose levels.

If the DietDoctor programme seems to stark, then have a look at the Diabetes.co.uk Low Carb Programme, which is a much gentler, but still structured, way to get the carbs down.

Hope that helps.
 
Thank you all so much for your support and sound advice. I feel much better for getting it out (including a screaming sesh last night! Lol!)

Yes, I do have a meter supplied by the surgery, I suppose I got into a cycle of testing...panicking and not testing so I don't scare myself.

I do have carb/sweet cravings and I understand the more I have the worst I feel.

I am having my blood test tomorrow and seeing the DN Thurs for results. My hubby went out today and got me the Michael Moseley book. I have had a v long heart to heart with hubby and daughter and I have cried a lot and written down my pros and cons.

I have decided to refuse any other drugs and to tell the DN I intend to follow a low carb plan and to give it three months then see how I go. If I go low I will reduce or cut out my Glimperimide but I will test regularly.

I am a bit confused on high fat though so I thought the Moseley plan might help? My Cholesterol is really good but I was low on the good fats. This is what I mean....I was told not to eat Avacados but I love them and although I know they are high in calories they have good fats so in moderation surely I can have them.

Anyway, I start tomorrow, I have decided! Again, thankyou so much, I don't think anyone has a clue how hard this is unless they have it or live with someone with it.

I will stay in contact and you will prob get fed up with me asking stuff.
 
That sounds great, thank you. I will def try it.
 
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