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Finding love

Discussion in 'Type 2 Diabetes' started by Dudette1, Sep 24, 2020.

  1. Dudette1

    Dudette1 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Just wondered how people feel when it comes to telling someone they have this condition, has anyone hidden it when they have met someone and only later told them after they tried to eat a full pack of Pringles with you. I’m a really confident person and went on a date recently, we of course talked about Covid, but he started ranting that fat people with diabetes are the ones at risk. I never corrected him nor told him I have it because he was so clearly uneducated about the myth of fat people as he calls us. I was howling with laughter in my head. Safe to say I didn’t call him again. In this day and age people judge you regardless, the thing that makes me awkward is eating say a salad while they have a big dinner with loads of mash and carbs and I’m trying to b careful, and all you hear is oh get some proper food down ya. I don’t think it’s so much telling someone I’m diabetic, more maybe the feeling I can’t enjoy something I love with a person, like excessive amounts of mash (the one thing I love in this world ha! ) I’ve been single 3yrs and I don’t know if my condition makes me not want to find love.sorry if I sound miserable, just wondered if anyone wants to share their stories good or bad of experiences with a ex partner or their now partners and how they reacted when told.
     
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  2. RFSMarch

    RFSMarch Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    There's a couple of ways around this.
    1) Know how much of the 'bad stuff' you can get away with and nibble like a sparrow... I went on one date where we ordered a ton of tapas so I had a lot of meat, cheese and I just had like 4 small cubes of potatoes and the garlic mayo, and anytime the guy wanted to load more up on the plate I just politely said no... he actually seemed more affronted that I did not want my food served up to me!
    2) Order stuff you know you can have (my go-to is something like Salmon and a side of vegetables, because I cannot abide salad, but you can often get away with a meat and veggie side dish to get away from the 'get some right grub down ya' - that has been my main plan when I am taken out!

    Depends on how you feel about them - I have always been honest on dates and thank god have never had the ranting against fat people one! The beauty of using a Libre sensor is you can surreptitiously check how you are doing but it is hard explaining what one is about your person if things get any further!
     
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  3. Craigmartin

    Craigmartin Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    My first instinct on this is tell any prospective partner as early as possible. There are a lot of preconceptions and you hear lots of cheap half truths from people who have little or no understanding of Diabetes. Ideally the new guy would research a little and maybe adapt his choices to suit yours a bit? The stigma isn't anywhere near how it used to be in that it's so common now and most people will have friends workmates or family who suffer it. So my advice is straight out with it and if that influences a negative reaction then that's saved you wasting time on another plonker.
     
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  4. Sarbak

    Sarbak Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    I've never been on a first date with anyone that involved eating. I wouldn't hesitate to tell any potential dates (if I ever bother getting back out there) about my weight loss, diabetes and meniere's disease - they, along with many other things, are important parts of what makes up me, even though they don't define me. I am an incredibly fussy dater (hence single!) and on the odd occasion where I decide to reinstall the dating apps and see what's about, I dismiss people left right and centre based on their opening line - if it contains babe, darling, beautiful, gorgeous etc, they're gone lol. Ok, I've digressed and I'm thinking maybe I'm the worst person to contribute any advice on this thread so I'll shut up and get back in my single box :p
     
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  5. Taxus

    Taxus Type 2 · Member

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    I was married when my GP told me I my bloods showed I was high end prediabetic. I was a bit shaken at first, and so was my wife, but thanks to this forum, I quickly reduced my carbs and my blood sugar readings are now way down. By taking control I have surprised myself, increased my self confidence and I think my other half is also pleased and quietly impressed. So, my thoughts are - manage your blood sugar levels as best you can and with pride tell everyone your story and that you are in control.
     
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  6. Grant_Vicat

    Grant_Vicat Don't have diabetes · Well-Known Member

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    While at Uni in London, I was in a department of 67 students. It was inevitable that they would find out I was Type 1. Out of 4 girlfriends, the first was fascinated by diabetes and what she called sugar attacks. The relationship was too fiery as it turned out,but she is still my daughter's Godmother! The next two, especially the second of them, seemed highly irresponsible when I was in a bad way, while the fourth is still my wife. She not only started off as a true friend, but 2 years later phoned my mother when I was hypoing. I knew then that Helen was the right choice. I would say that any partner of somebody with any condition comparable to diabetes needs to be understanding, patient, and to take their partner for their human attributes and worth rather than ranting about a condition that is inflicted on them with sometimes visible side effects. Neither Helen nor I look like we did 42 years ago, but who cares? I'm sure there is the right person out there. Good luck!
     
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  7. rosemaree

    rosemaree Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi @Dudette1,

    That makes for an interesting first date :wideyed: I have a terrible habit of piping up when people go off on uneducated or inconsiderate rants, their faces are usually quite priceless - we were once with a group of 'friends' who were making certain religious jokes that were so immensely tactless and uneducated, the one guy noticed I wasn't laughing so asked if I was religious, I replied with a dead straight face that I was (even though I am not), and the whole table ended sitting in awkward silence for a good five minutes.

    Back to your post though, I was going to say as @Sarbak mentioned, maybe try some first dates that don't involve eating? I've never really been on a date in that sense, as I have been with my partner since college. He was a little speechless when I told him, but I had not been well for some time so we knew something was up. He was very open about the fact that he knew nothing about the disease or nutrition - his idea of a good meal is one he doesn't have to cook. He has tried to learn with me and has a much better understanding now, he'll often ask me if I am allowed to eat something, and doesn't ask me to keep anything in the house that I can't have. Sometimes when I ask him what he'd like for dinner he still answers burgers, pizza or chips, but I have found ways to work around it and make those things so that I can still enjoy them with him (homemade/no bread burgers, cauliflower pizzas etc).

    I want to tell you to be open about it, but I know I would battle myself. It is tempting to think that you could use someone speaking ignorantly as a marker of whether they are worth it, but that may be the only way they know how to interact. Society teaches us to do some really weird things - I am sure we have all said something, and wondered after why on earth we even let that come out of our mouths. Perhaps bringing it up and seeing how they respond is a better deciding factor, there are genuine people out there, maybe one day you will come across someone who will help you find something new that you can love together :cat:
     
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  8. Sarbak

    Sarbak Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Agreed, but unfortunately if that's the only way they know how to interact then that's still not someone I would want as a partner. I'm not inclined to bother correcting behaviours that are ingrained. I have no problem with people being ignorant about a subject (I am about many), but that can be expressed in many ways. I would expect a potential partner to be honest and curious, hopefully with a sprinkle of caring thrown in. If someone was making poor taste or judgmental jokes about diabetes - or anything for that matter, age, religion, race etc - I would probably walk away.
     
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  9. RFSMarch

    RFSMarch Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    100% this. I even had someone constantly call me 'dear' and ask me every message if I had eaten. I didn't even bother meeting that one.
     
  10. Bex72

    Bex72 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Dudette 1, your post is really honest.
    When I got together with my husband I showed him a drawer of meds I had for terrible migraine problems. Fortunately, he didn't run away.
    I was diagnosed t2dm in August and am controlling well with low carb eating. My husband and sister are buying into it too.
    I think in your situation I would try to be honest or at least do whatever feels right for you.
    There are lots of myths about T2dm. I had watched a close relative become obese and felt justified in discussing with others in the family the risks they faced (including diabetes). How wrong I was! My threshold was much lower than theirs. It is never too late to learn.
    Wishing you well in your future.
     
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  11. NicoleC1971

    NicoleC1971 Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    This is a good thread! Makes me glad not to be in the dating game anyhow as a bit of a ;/smug married' introverted type.
    I've always wondered why people feel it is an even an issue but that is because I am type 1 and haven't felt the stigma that goes with type 2 other than when someone assumes I am type 2 now that I am middle aged!
    I suppose for me diabetes is incidental and is a major part of my daily habits but isn't my identity so I don't feel the need to wear it on a tee shirt. I would not try to hide doing a test or ordering differently (meaning I will generally doge puddings and lots of pasta but sometimes will indulge and then it is nobody's business). If someone is curious enough to ask in a respectful manner then I'd take their interest to be a good sign of intelligence. If said person reveals that they are judgemental or lacks curiosity or is too self absorbed to even notice my name or the fact I am doing a blood test etc. then it is probably not going anywhere as a relationship.
     
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  12. Andy_Warlow

    Andy_Warlow Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Don't know about dates.

    But I remember telling my partner and she was cool about it.

    She has been quite supportive.

    But as a guy, if i like a girl and she told me, she was type 2 diabetic. I would o.k it wouldn't be an issue.

    If they do have a problem then it is theirs not yours and they are not worth bothering with.
     
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  13. Roggg

    Roggg Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Well I'm married and have been since before my diabetes diagnosis, so I have never gone through this. But when I was dating, I don't believe in "playing the game" and I don't believe in holding back anything that's important to you in the early stages. IMO the goal is to find out if it's a good fit, not to make it fit. The more honest and transparent, the faster this can happen.
     
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  14. searley

    searley Type 1 · Moderator
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    Well you have to do what feels right for you... and only you will know that..

    my personal feeling are get it out of the way, if they can't handle it and you don't see each other again then you haven't wasted lots of time getting to that point..

    However, i also wouldn't let the fact that someone was uneducated about it, and blurting wrong info be the only reason not to see someone again, id take pleasure in educating them, taking the p1ss out of them for being so wrong.. then see what happens from there.

    You'll know when you have found the right person and when its time to tell them..
     
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  15. Nicole T

    Nicole T Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    I'm open about it with pretty much anyone. I've lived with fat shaming since I was about 5 years old, so diabetes shaming as an extension of fat shaming is like water off a duck's back. Having flounced out of a number of other closets, I consider someone's reaction to the big reveal to be a great test of character. People who fall at those hurdles? They don't remain friends or potential dates for long.

    Since I'm at least 3 niches deep (fat, over 50 and transgender) I tend to do most of my dating online. The people I was chatting to at the time went through my diagnosis with me. I didn't get one negative response, and many were supportive, either having diabetes themselves, or having someone close to them who has.

    I've recently started dating someone I've known as a friend for a while, met through a mutual friend. We formed a small social group that goes out for meals quite regularly. They know I avoid carbs, and they know why. They've had a long term relationship with someone who had diabetes in the past. It certainly isn't a deal breaker for them.
     
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  16. Razzamuffin

    Razzamuffin Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I got ghosted for being diabetic lol there's not much to tell, told her I was diabetic she was curious at first, soon after I had a hypo it scared her off and that is all there is to it. am newly diagnosed so I don't know to navigate the dating scene other than online dating and there is a lot of nasty shallow people...
     
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  17. Stephanie 1233

    Stephanie 1233 · Well-Known Member

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    I have had no luck finding some one as soon as I tell them i am diabetic they don't what to know or to be with me :( but their must bee someone out their :) XXX.

    Sent from my ZTE BLADE V0800 using Diabetes Forum mobile app
     
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  18. RFSMarch

    RFSMarch Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    I have promised myself that if I can get below AND STAY BELOW 10st I am going back online to try again.
    While I was burning out I really struggled and also - some of those guys are CRAZY! Some real horror stories hahah!

    But I figured that I needed to be happy in my own skin and certainly during the period of burn out I was just pretty miserable all round.

    Now... to get below that 10st threshold... planning on getting there for 2021.
     
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