Hey cdpm, I can understand a bit of what you are going through as I discovered that I have BEWP - Binge Eating Without Purging....It is a real thing! Doesn't get the press like bulemia or anorexia, but Docs are now realizing that a large group of people suffer from this. It does take a lot of hard inner work to come to grips with something like this, but it can be done and it can be controlled to the point that it is not destructive to your health and well being and psyche....
By inner work, I mean taking a good hard look at your life from earliest memories to today....Make a timeline of times when you were rewarded or punished with food for example. How did you feel when you were rewarded or when you were punished? What comments were made to you, like "you are a bad girl for not eating your parsnips" or "you were a good girl tonight"....Write everything down that comes to mind....It may be that there are darker things in your life that you have not let be exposed to the light of day.
One of mine was starving. As a very young girl we were very, very poor and many, many times went for days being hungry. We often depended on neighbors' good will as my father drank his paychecks away...After the divorce and living in several foster homes, food was used as reward and punishment and I was an independent little miss and was often denied meals. In my adoptive parents' home food was plentiful but I was afraid to enjoy but would eat as much as I could because somewhere in my little head I was telling myself that there may not be another meal!! This went on for years! Once you start seeing some of these things in black and white, sometimes the light bulb will go on and you can see a pattern. Once you recognize what is going on you can do something about it - like have the Hubby do the grocery shopping or put locks on certain cupboards if you need that an extreme intervention untli you get things under control....
Our relationship to food is so very complex and convoluted that it often takes some outside intervention to assist us to see what is going on. If you live in Canada, there are hotlines that you could call that are for people who are in distress. If you go to Church, perhaps there is a person there who could help you get connected to some professional help. At the walk in clinic, if you explain your situation, perhaps they could make a referral to a dietitian. I don't know your financial situation, but there are private dietitians who work with people such as us as well.
I wish you all the best and keep us posted as to how you are doing....sometimes I come on the Forum when I am wanting to much and the devilishness in my head says I need that food or I am a loser so go ahead and pig out, harm yourself - you deserve it! By coming on the Forum it changes my thought pattern as I read others' struggles and successes - great therapy for me! Thank you Forum! Blessings/L