Type 2 Husband in denial

[Vicky1967]

My husband has been in denial since his diagnosis in Sept 2015. He refuses to eat a healthy diet and drinks approx 8 units per day in alcohol. He has tantrums when he is reminded he can't eat the things he wants to eat. He gets angry and aggressive. He has no idea of food and nurtion starving himself to lose weight he needs to lose 4 stone. He seems to play a game, he will eat and drink what he likes until about a week before his bloods then starve himself. He has told his friends he has been misdiagnosed and that the nurse says the gp should not have put him on metformin. His behaviour is causing problems in our marriage, I want to help but he tells me to keep my nose out and leave him alone. He has refused to get help, refuses to look at this website, refuses to take help and advice from my diabetic dad. I really don't know how much more I can take.

 

[collectingrocks]

Oh dear, I feel for you. Do you know what his readings were at diagnosis?

 

[DeejayR]

Hi Vicky and welcome. Tough all round, eh? Sorry you're having to deal with his denial. Before suggesting what you might do, how do you react to his behaviour? Walking on eggshells, trying to be reasonable and drawing attention to the horrible things that might result, or having a shouting match?

 

[Vicky1967]

Hi both thanks for replying. My response varies. I gently point out that he is not helping himself but if I sense is aggressive mood I am on egg shells because he blows. His dad died from pneumonia and Mrsa after surgery to remove his leg due to diabetes, so he is aware of the potential consequences. After getting very upset myself on Saturday mornings following a week of binging on takeaways cake from druckers, fry up, Eton Mess all washed down with lager or lager and lime he said he would try to change. But later that day he asked me if he could have cake because he said he was entitled to a treat now and again, it's not just a small piece of cake but a large slice with cream. I could not believe my eyes, he strolled off to the shop window and said they didn't have anything he fancied. I was speechless. When I asked why he had asked for my permission he is gored me and walked off.

 

[6cats]

I think his GP needs to.laybdown the cold hard facts of what will happen if he does not start to sort it out. We are all in denial and shock at the start but we lifestyle and diet has to change if you want to live. Maybe you having a talk with his GP might be a starting point!

 

[Vicky1967]

Thank you, I have considered speaking to his GPs or at least writing to him, we are at different practices. He was diagnosed with gout in June 2015, he has reduced his intake of whiskey and coke he has replaced it with lager.

Thank you again for your response.

V

 

[sullybear]

Hi I can relate to your situation as I am in the same boat my hubby got type 1 and he the same eats and drink what he wants don't take his insulin he know the consequences of it he as lost his sight in one eye stage 3 kidney disease and leg amputated I tried my hardest with him but he don't listen so now I just think it's only him now that can change I do remind him but he gets anger as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it I hope he will realise before it gets to late take care xx

 

[chalup]

It sounds to me like he is not only in denial but at the same time terrified. My hubby is prediabetic. I tested him after eating some M&m's just on a whim and he tested at over 14. I got the doctor to add a fasting glucose and A1c to his regular bloods and he is 5.9. Not full blown but getting close. Same reaction, anger, sullen, and immediately eating all the worst things with a **** you glare and an I can do what I want attitude. I am full blown T2. He knows exactly what its all about but has decided that because he is not obese he can't be diabetic. I discussed it with my doctor and he just said, He is an adult, you can't control him and you need to worry about your own health. True but not very helpful when one has to go home and live the situation. One thing you might say in a calm moment when he is being rational is that the thought of losing him terrifies you and the very real possibility of blindness or ED would make his life hard. My apologies to all you gentleman but the possibility of ED might be the one thing to scare some sense into him. I am sending you a big hug and hoping it gets better for you.

 

[DeejayR]

My doctor just said, He is an adult, you can't control him and you need to worry about your own health. True but not very helpful when one has to go home and live the situation.

Very true, and @Vicky1967 perhaps you need to rally some support for yourself and try to distance yourself from the bad place your husband is in. If you see someone in a deep hole it's not much good jumping in too and putting your arm round them in sympathy because now you're both stuck in the hole. Chuck a rope down and encourage him to climb out. And see if you can get some support to haul on the rope if necessary. I'm not very strong but I'll help pull.
That's enough bad metaphors. We're all here to help if we can

 

[walnut_face]

Thank you, I have considered speaking to his GPs or at least writing to him, we are at different practices. He was diagnosed with gout in June 2015, he has reduced his intake of whiskey and coke he has replaced it with lager.

Thank you again for your response.

V

Seems he may have "Metabolic Syndrome" The whiskey and cream are ok! It might be better is HE looks at what he can eat , rather than what he can't eat. He may be surprised at what is ok with T2D
I feel for you Vicky, but it is true that you cannot help him until he helps himself

 

[azure]

@Vicky1967 In the end, you have to put yourself first. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells, and you shouldn't have to put up with an aggressive attitude.

Your husband sounds angry and afraid. Maybe he thinks by burying his head in the sand, he can ignore it all? Perhaps the alcohol is another way to blot it out? A diabetes diagnosis is a big shock and impacts your life. Not being free to eat what you want when you want isn't easy to deal with.

However, your husband has had 10 months to deal with his diagnosis, and you sound like you've been supportive as much as you can, so if it was me, I'd take a step back mentally. Contact his doctor or diabetes nurse if you wish to, laying out your fears and his behaviour, but then leave him to it. Don't comment on his diet or food choices. As long as he knows what he's supposed to be doing, then there's no more you can do. He's an adult. You've offered advice and support and that's all you can do.

It sounds an unpleasant situation for you, having to put up with aggression. Put yourself first and mentally 'walk away'.

 

[paulliljeros]

I think most people take the view that you can't help someone that won't help themselves, and I think I tend to agree. I am now at stage 5 Kidney failure because I decided to ignore my diabetes, eating what I want, when I want (albeit over 30 years!). What you could consider, is to offer to meet him in the middle. Why not suggest that if he is willing to do something like read "The 8-Week Blood Sugar Diet: Lose weight fast and reprogramme your body" or similar you will back off from demanding changes etc for an agreed length of time.
My reasoning is that if he sees that he can take things at his own pace, he may be more willing to accept the situation, and by reading the book learn the ins and outs, and see there is hope - Diabetes used to be black and white, but its now all about moderation. Someone used to have a signature on here stating "If you want me to do something, demand I do the opposite", and it is incredibly true!

 

[busydiabeticmum]

I was reading on the humour section a joke which would actually help! maybe!

Wife: would you like some dinner?

Husband: what are the choices?

Wife: yes or no!

Maybe make the food put it infront of him, be stuborn. Sounds like he NEEDS you to take control, same as a kid, men are kids, if you offer your child their dinner and they throw a temper tantrum, slam doors cry shout etc... do you give in? We all know what he needs best, and we just have to mummy them sometimes. Like with a child make a reward chart. Every time he gets a good result put a sticker on the chart, when he gets enough (set by you) he gets a treat, it ia then signed off, thus when ge starts winging i am entitled to a treat, go to the chart and say not yet. You need to become mummy for a bit.

It does sound like he is trying, i get that when i was hungry went to the cupboard with the intention of being bad, looked at everything, and felt worse i did t eat for 36 hours solid after that. I have researched and now eat lchf with fasting and if. I got it under control... my down fall is my husband who buys me **** thinking he is helping me, but actually it tempts me and screws up my bgl. Being understanding and a sergeant or football mum is the best way to go. Take a stand and push, make him walk and go with him to the park, do it with him. Eat the same food, but most importantly dont take ****. You rule the roost. Hope it all goes well be strong... hardest thing in the world to watch someone you love be on self distruct.

 

[Catlady19]

Thank you, I have considered speaking to his GPs or at least writing to him, we are at different practices. He was diagnosed with gout in June 2015, he has reduced his intake of whiskey and coke he has replaced it with lager.

Thank you again for your response.

V

Poor you, as everyone has said, you can lead a horse to water...
He would actually be better off sticking to the whiskey with a diet soda than drinking lager as the whiskey doesn't have any carbs!
All you can do is try to prepare low carb meals if you are cooking, perhaps that way he wont even know you are trying to help. Avoiding bread, potatoes, rice and pasta will help. Obviously you can't do anything about the take-aways or what he eats when he is eating without you.
Maybe you can let him know somehow (without getting your head bitten off) that starving himself a week before his tests does no good as the test is designed to take a reading over the last 3 months.
If you can get him referred onto an X-PERT course it might open is his eyes a little, you are able to go with him and hopefully it will educate him about carbs without it being you that is 'nagging' him.
Good luck and don't get yourself dragged down.

 

[Vicky1967]

Hi, thank you all for your comments. You have all been through difficult times. I have written to his go now and spoke briefly to him yesterday. He was shocked, he said my husband does not give any indication he is struggling. He does have other emotional issues going on that add to have s situation. But because he refuses to talk about things on top of is health issues things are getting out of hand. I truly believe he is depressed is moods are so bad at times. I know he is terrified but he will not admit it. I have told him I can't stand it anymore and I want to leave him. I have to think of my health and that of my daughter who lives with us. Every conversation is about how unfair he thinks it is that he can't eat as he pleases. I have an eye condition that has meant I have had to have my sight removed from my left eye, through no fault of my own. I don't know if at some point in the future my right eye may be affected. Fingers crossed it won't be. But to be with someone who appears not to care, to be in self destruct mode is difficult. To risk his sight amongst other things. I have told him my biggest fear is he will die or become so il I will lose him anyway but it has made no difference at all. I can't bear to look at him

 

[DeejayR]

I have told him my biggest fear is he will die or become so il I will lose him anyway but it has made no difference at all. I can't bear to look at him

You are thinking about your options now, which is good. It is not for us to suggest what action you should take at this stage, but we are with you whatever you decide. Just keep on setting your thoughts down here.

 

[chalup]

You are thinking about your options now, which is good. It is not for us to suggest what action you should take at this stage, but we are with you whatever you decide. Just keep on setting your thoughts down here.

Yes, we are here to listen and will never judge, sometimes it helps to just let it out and have someone listen. We can do that for you.

 

[ladybird64]

My husband has been in denial since his diagnosis in Sept 2015. He refuses to eat a healthy diet and drinks approx 8 units per day in alcohol. He has tantrums when he is reminded he can't eat the things he wants to eat. He gets angry and aggressive. He has no idea of food and nurtion starving himself to lose weight he needs to lose 4 stone. He seems to play a game, he will eat and drink what he likes until about a week before his bloods then starve himself. He has told his friends he has been misdiagnosed and that the nurse says the gp should not have put him on metformin. His behaviour is causing problems in our marriage, I want to help but he tells me to keep my nose out and leave him alone. He has refused to get help, refuses to look at this website, refuses to take help and advice from my diabetic dad. I really don't know how much more I can take.

I know the feeling Vicky. Sometimes, no matter what we do or say, we won't be listened to. It is exhausting and pointless. Bottom line is, adults who have all the info available to them, are responsible for their own health. All I can say is that pushing a very large person around in a wheelchair after the inevitable complications set in, is not something I'm prepared to do, nor physically able to do anyway.
You can only do your best, no more xx

 

[azure]

It sounds like you've done everything you can @Vicky1967 You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Sometimes sympathy and understanding makes them worse as they become more self-indulgent and selfish.

Get it clear in your head what you want to do, make sure you have a plan and don't leave suddenly. You have to put yourself and your daughter first. You can only do so much.

Take care and feel free to continue to vent here. Best of luck to you X

 

[sullkypippy]

I understand we're you are coming from my husband was the same his last blood was way of the scale are diabetic nurse really laid it down to him the consequences of his actions and said he may have to go on insulin being the big soft 6 footer he is said I will try not promising so hes gone on a no carb diet which was hard at beginning but it's helped up to know in 3 months has lost 2.5 stone and he's no we're near as moody and seems a lot healthier. Hope you get you're husband sorted.