Type 1 I am losing the love of my life to my inability to handle his diabetes?

[Kendall12]

Me and my partner have been together for a while now. He is an amazing guy, and I love him dearly. We have recently moved in together into our own apartmant in London, which has been a dream of ours for some time now, but thins are very difficult. He has type 1 diabetes, insulin dependent. And, when he has lows, hypos...he becomes very mean, agressive, irritated and sometimes even physical ( never hit me but throws things and hurts himself). I try to support him in those moments, but it puts so much stress on me that my whole body starts shaking on the inside, and I feel my heart pounding. It always appears out of nowehere. Id walk with him holding hands, or we are having fun, cooking or cleaning together, and on the inside it's like I'm just waiting for the next hypo and for him to becme verybally abusive. i constantly wanna ask him to check his sugars, which is hard for him. It happens often enough for me to feel unhappy and really tense. I notice I am calmer when he is away. I love him so much and I try to support him, when he has a hypo, I try to assist him, hold him, lie next to him, give him water etc. Coping with the stress is hard, especially afterwards, when he doesn't even remember what happened.
There are the good and there are the bad days, and even though I try concentrating on the good ones, I wonder what can I do to deal with it better. He promises to eat better and prevent hypos, but they happen anyway and all the promises are empty words. Can a diabetic PROMISE to get better? I think, no.

I feel like I am about to give up. I lost my sense of self in this relationship and I am starting to doubt why am I in it? I think of myself as a bad nurse and bad girlfriend, rather than a happy woman. By the way I'm 29, he is 34. We are both adults, yet this problem seems to not get resolved.

This sounds extremely selfish, but what can I do? I have such tension and fear and there is literally NOBODY who understands.

 

[mrman]

When his sugars are stable, have a long chat explaining how you feel when he is hypo, and how how behaves. Yes, in the long run hypos will happen, but hopefully not as severe as they have been. With type 1 , the best treatment is preventing the hypos and hypers. They should not be frequent and not have the impact they are having. Has he been diagnosed long? At the start I was very up and down, also the odd temper tantrum thrown in. Only when I was able to have consistency I felt like my old self. I would suggest he sees his dsn and work out why so many lows, too much insulin obviously, but, adjustments to heat, activity, portion sizes of food, types of food should be made. If he's unwilling to see his dsn and share results, test more regular so a way forward can be made , that choice is for you two to work out.

 

[JTL]

Are you sure it's the diabetes and not just him using that as an excuse for his petulance?
Most diabetics don't treat people like dirt.
Moving in with him maybe has shown you what he's really like.

 

[Indy51]

I think I'd be saying it's his inability to handle his diabetes, not your inability. It's really his responsibility, not yours.

 

[Kendall12]

When his sugars are stable, have a long chat explaining how you feel when he is hypo, and how how behaves. Yes, in the long run hypos will happen, but hopefully not as severe as they have been. With type 1 , the best treatment is preventing the hypos and hypers. They should not be frequent and not have the impact they are having. Has he been diagnosed long? At the start I was very up and down, also the odd temper tantrum thrown in. Only when I was able to have consistency I felt like my old self. I would suggest he sees his dsn and work out why so many lows, too much insulin obviously, but, adjustments to heat, activity, portion sizes of food, types of food should be made. If he's unwilling to see his dsn and share results, test more regular so a way forward can be made , that choice is for you two to work out.

He will see his specialist soon, but the problem is he doesn't want to eat regularly, and when he does, he eats unhealthy food and then gives himself too much insulin. I think.

 

[AndBreathe]

If he is suggesting he will eat better, it suggests perhaps he isn't taking the best care of himself and you are having to deal with the fall out of that.

On that basis, he knows what he has to do, encourage him to crack on. Unless you are denying him food, in not sure I see how this can be something you can influence too much.

Good luck with it all. The first few months after moving in together can be a bit stressful for you both. I hope you can find a positive way forward.

 

[JTL]

You don't really know a person till you live with them unless you have spent an awful long time together.

 

[Brunneria]

How long has he been diagnosed diabetic? And is he type 1 or 2?

 

[Kendall12]

How long has he been diagnosed diabetic? And is he type 1 or 2?

type 1, since childhood

 

[Enclave]

Don't know if this will help, but I do have a friend who's T1 and when his sugars drop he's like a two headed monster ... Really verbally aggressive... Crashing around with things near him .. Also has no recollection of what he was like when his sugar is low ...
Could A vidio taken at the time of one of his rants could be great to show him just how out of character he is. He needs to take a better control as my friend should ..but it's not easy..
You should never be afraid of your partner .. Being afraid for him is totally different .. Hope he gets his DSN to advise on how to stop the lows.

 

[Totto]

If he wants to live with you he obviously has to do something about his blood sugar. Of course you can't stay in a relationship where you are afraid or feel you are losing yourself.

Either he starts to eat regular meals or you leave him.

I think it's him, not you, who should be asking questions here. It's his diabetes, not yours. You can never manage it for him.

 

[Brunneria]

Thanks.

The reason i asked is that there is a period of adjustment we all go through when newly diagnosed. And (from what i have read on this forum) it seems to be a different process for type 1s and 2s.

But that doesnt apply if your partner has been type 1 for so long.

If his sporadic eating and junk food is an established pattern then presumably it predates your relationship - and your cohabitation?

Do you think he was having these episodes when he was living alone (before you moved in)? Or has something changed in his routines now you are living together?

 

[Kendall12]

Thanks.

The reason i asked is that there is a period of adjustment we all go through when newly diagnosed. And (from what i have read on this forum) it seems to be a different process for type 1s and 2s.

But that doesnt apply if your partner has been type 1 for so long.

If his sporadic eating and junk food is an established pattern then presumably it predates your relationship - and your cohabitation?

Do you think he was having these episodes when he was living alone (before you moved in)? Or has something changed in his routines now you are living together?

I think it has been like that for a long time. He does eat healthy meals, but he binge eates ( nothing crazy, just like any guy). problem is, he isn't just any guy, he is a guy with diabetes. He is paranoid to have high sugar, so I think he overuses insulin

 

[Brunneria]

Thanks.

Sounds like he really needs to fine tune his carb counting and insulin use.

There is an online course he can do, or ask for a course through his doc.

He may genuinely not realise how distressing his behaviour is to you. In which case you have a responsibility to communicate it to him - otherwise he will never know.

After that, it becomes his responsibility to sort the problem out.

From your description, from your point of view, you are describing an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter that the cause is insulin rather than drugs or alcohol. The effect on you (fear, tension, constant waiting for the next episode...) are classic experiences within abusive relationships.

And it isn't going to get better unless you both work on it - you communicating, him changing his behaviour. And if it DOES continue, it will destroy your love for him.

Good luck. I really hope you are able to sort things out.

 

[Robinredbreast]

Hi he needs outside help and some counselling of some sort. Don't be his carer, he must take stock of what he is doing and manage his diabetes. If he doesn't I'm afraid it might not just be you that he loses.
Taking a video ( Enclave's good idea, sensibly and with the utmost care to your self) will show him what a monster he turns into and that should give a good kick up the backside, to change for the better, even just little steps at first.
Good luck, take care as you sound a very caring young woman and he is lucky to still have you.

Best wishes RRB

 

[Sirmione]

A long time ago when I was your age I was in a relationship with someone who was in denial about a non-diabetic condition that made her impossible to live with, it nearly destroyed me and still causes me sadness three decades later.
Life moves on and so did I, and the last 20 years have been happier than I could ever imagine.

By not facing up a condition he has had since childhood your partner is torturing you, I think subconsciously he is seeking to vent his anger for his condition and you are the only available target. The man is ill and that makes him behave irrationally but he cannot continue to shift his suffering on to you. Let's be clear about it this is abuse on many levels.

 

[Jaylee]

Hi @Kendall12 sorry to hear your problems.. Most of us T1 guys are amazing.!
My past experience of a "wrong un" was with a drug addict, so I feel my advice hardly appropriate in this case.
I also feel you need a woman's viewpoint on this, so will tag someone in, who is a dab hand with the odd problematic D. @Molly56

Good luck!

 

[Daibell]

Hi. With a few exceptions there is no reason to have frequent hypos. A balanced Basal/Bolus regime, sensible low'ish carb diet with meals spread thru the day, using the meter enough means hypos can be an occasional problem only. I suspect your man has more than diabetes as a problem and needs counselling. Thngs don't bode well at the moment.

 

[Kendall12]

A long time ago when I was your age I was in a relationship with someone who was in denial about a non-diabetic condition that made her impossible to live with, it nearly destroyed me and still causes me sadness three decades later.
Life moves on and so did I, and the last 20 years have been happier than I could ever imagine.

By not facing up a condition he has had since childhood your partner is torturing you, I think subconsciously he is seeking to vent his anger for his condition and you are the only available target. The man is ill and that makes him behave irrationally but he cannot continue to shift his suffering on to you. Let's be clear about it this is abuse on many levels.

thanks for your reply

 

[Totto]

@Kendall12 , tell him to come here and he will get a lot of help.

If you feel you should handle his diabetes you are opting for a very dysfunctional relationship indeed. It's his diabetes.

And I want you to think about this: What kind of man do you want as a father for your kids?