Is it too late? I am losing hope (triggers)

bumblebee95 said:

Thanks for the brilliant advice. I am taking each day as it comes. Trying to set routines

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I hope it is OK to post 'Desiderata' here - it helped me in dark times.

bumblebee95 said:

Hi, I am 24 and i have had diabetes for 15 years. I have spent 11 of these years abusing my body by cutting out insulin and having frequent DKA episodes. I have depression and diabulimia and these I am trying to get help for.

I feel a crippling amount of guilt and shame regarding what i have done to my body, my feet burn at night, my retinopathy screening results come back as 'signs of background retinopathy'... I fear that its too late for me, will my body ever be home to a baby? Will it ever recover? Are my kidneys next? Will I be able to live, like really live? Or will I have to face that im not cut out for this life?

I am desperate to get out of this but I dont know how to put myself first... I am losing it, I feel like i have nothing to give to the world anymore.

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Hi Bumblebees, I am sorry that you are hurting. My father used to tell me that I am too hard on myself and I think that you may be too. Be kind to yourself before all others. I hear you expressing a goal to be a mother. That's a good goal. I am one and it is the source of my greatest happiness. I'm far from a perfect parent but like all children, mine are loyal and forgiving. I'm good enough and you are good enough. Your future can be good enough too. You are at an age when we can often set ourselves very high standards. That's good, but tough to live up to. Keep on keeping on, all this humanity that you are experiencing today, will help you help someone else (maybe your child) some day when the going gets tough for them too. We all have something to give to the world, we are all in this together and the longer we manage to hang in there, the more courage we give each other.

Resurgam said:

Desiderata
Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

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Bravo !!

bumblebee95 said:

Thanks for the brilliant advice. I am taking each day as it comes. Trying to set routines

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Hi @bumblebee95, That is really great. Bringing some order to the chaos we all live in!! And day at a time, living each day as fully as you can. Desiderata, what I marvellous, uplifting piece, prayer, inspiration!
You may have heard me mention @Mel dCP as an inspirational person and a part-time teacher amongst many other talents.
Well, a tale from another extraordinary teacher.
I read a book called Teacher Man by Frank McCourt. His family had emigrated from Ireland to USA and Frank had trained there as a teacher. His first teaching post was in a New York school with a reputation as one of the toughest in the State.
He relates his various experiences, but one that stands out was when he was having all sorts of trouble inspiring his students to write an essay, an essay about anything they wished even,.
However he noticed how well-written the so called 'notes' from parents were about why their teenager had absent from school.
So he set an assignment for each student to write the best excuse they could for why they were or would be absent from school.
It worked !! Now just from what I have read and not as a health professional, soothsayer or seer:
Empathy you have. A truly precious ability but one that needs protecting sometimes from the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" to quote Hamlet. How to best explain what I mean? From others' wisdom: Here goes:
I imagine I am speaking with someone face to face (and that phase' to speak with' is so much better than ' to speak to"):
There are three different reference points, places or positions that my mind and being can be in during that time. (I cheated and looked up a Thesaurus for those three words, i always try to use everything and every form of help available)
Not just 3 separate loci (showing off here )!! but 3 reference points that part of my mind and being can be in. Like a percentage thing that may change second to second, minute to minute. No one place/reference point/position is absolutely more important than another so the use of first, second and third is not about importance but because we need some way to talk about them.
First place/reference point is totally 100% within myself: I hear and know what I am thinking, how I am breathing, that I am in my own shoes. Very little of what is happening outside me is detected by me - self-absorbed might be a description of it - you may well think of other descriptions!! Some printable, some not (and I know a few of the later)!
Second place/reference point is like being 100% totally in the other person's shoes. Imagining what they are feeling, taking in every word and expression, unaware of my own discomfitures (unless full bladder sensation intrudes, say)!!, or about any thing else around me - description ? over-sympathetic, maybe, some more cynical might say 'sucked in to their world".
Third place/reference point is about being totally detached from both myself and the other person. Like a 'fly on the wall', an observer who is watching a movie through a glass window of two people interacting. So description: detached, disconnected maybe?
What in fact I am doing face to face is a bit of being in all these places. Why talk about a juggling act?
If I get 'stuck' in second position or place, I risk being swamped by the other person's emotion, problems, unable to help them because they have grasped my hand and I am drowning with them. (apologies for the over-dramatisation)! I cannot breathe, I feel overwhelmed and lost.
Stuck in first position or place might mean that I have no time for any advice, feedback because I know what is right and best. Narcissistic maybe - dunno what the slang term is. But we have all read about them or met them. Often secretly unhappy, destructive to other's feelings etc. almost totally unsympathetic and not empathic.
Stuck in third position/place (starting to sound like gears on a car)!! detached, unaware of other's feelings or one's own.
Might be good working by themselves but not a team player.
Finding the 'goldilocks' amount of each place or element is the key to handling situations between people and not allowing your own personal space/being/feelings to be harmed, not the other person's. So say the pundits !!
To be empathic and not let that tilt over into sympathy is a challenge. I need just enough ego from first position to stand grounded, and enough from third to see the danger between myself and the other person to keep the boundaries clear. I need enough of those other positions (this is not a precise way to actually do it, but a rough analogy) to be able to help that person.
Bringing order to things can also mean working at how to keep those boundaries between reference points clear.
Also empathy and sympathy can create attraction between people. Really finding the other person attractive, becoming infatuated with them, falling in love with someone is maybe at its least romantic about loss of perspective and 'diving into each other's shoes'. Omph! no poetry prizes for that expression.
Anyway, I hope that in your day to day, week by week you can build order, a sense of security, a fortress/boundary//frontier um.. cross out 'brink'!! against despair.
Always know who and what your life lines are of course. Do you know how to tie a bowline knot??
Bestest Wishes (please allow the spelling error).

Hi bumblebee95!

It's never too late to reevalute your diabetes. It's not a sprint, I have been where you are and had multiple issues with diabulimia and had DKA a few times in my younger years. Fortunately I was able to take back control of my life and it was through constant battling with the thoughts in my head that I had to tell myself I had diabetes it's not my fault and this is my life and I want to live it. The feelings of guilt and wanting to be slim are still there, I find that by trying to get myself medically as normal as I can be I can battle with my weight in a normal way too. So yes I'm slightly over weight now because I had two children and I guess I just thought it wasn't worth the side effects. You can live a healthy life with diabetes AND have children and you're worthy of having these things in your life. I was able to get my levels back to normal and have myself back. Don't beat yourself up. When I was at university I had a horrific time and was killing myself in the process to stay skinny like a rake. I had hospital stays where the nurses would tut and moan about me because I wasn't looking after myself. NOW no one tells me how I should feel and I proved everyone wrong I want you to know that this can change and you can start it now. You need to be kind to yourself and seek help and people who don't judge your condition. There is help out there for you.

Take care. Xx

Diabeticmumof2 said:

Hi bumblebee95!

It's never too late to reevalute your diabetes. It's not a sprint, I have been where you are and had multiple issues with diabulimia and had DKA a few times in my younger years. Fortunately I was able to take back control of my life and it was through constant battling with the thoughts in my head that I had to tell myself I had diabetes it's not my fault and this is my life and I want to live it. The feelings of guilt and wanting to be slim are still there, I find that by trying to get myself medically as normal as I can be I can battle with my weight in a normal way too. So yes I'm slightly over weight now because I had two children and I guess I just thought it wasn't worth the side effects. You can live a healthy life with diabetes AND have children and you're worthy of having these things in your life. I was able to get my levels back to normal and have myself back. Don't beat yourself up. When I was at university I had a horrific time and was killing myself in the process to stay skinny like a rake. I had hospital stays where the nurses would tut and moan about me because I wasn't looking after myself. NOW no one tells me how I should feel and I proved everyone wrong I want you to know that this can change and you can start it now. You need to be kind to yourself and seek help and people who don't judge your condition. There is help out there for you.

Take care. Xx

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Thank you @Diabeticmumof2 . You are an inspiration to us all and particularly for struggling those at the moment.
And pls see pictures for the children and @bumblebee95
Hello there !!................Yummy............Hi !!.... Kite Festival..........kite's eye view.....Ccccrabs alive.!!.I see !!
.... ... ... .... ..... ....

kitedoc! Those are some crazy kites- they will love to have a look.

When all is sad and bleak in the world all we can do is reach out and take a different look on life. It doesn't end because of diabetes . There's no time like now to take care of yourself. Xx

Diabeticmumof2 said:

kitedoc! Those are some crazy kites- they will love to have a look.

When all is sad and bleak in the world all we can do is reach out and take a different look on life. It doesn't end because of diabetes . There's no time like now to take care of yourself. Xx

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Agreed. And we are talking about past, present and future @bumblebee95 and @Diabeticmumof2 and @kitedoc !!

Hi @bumblebee95, How is life ??

bumblebee95 said:

Hi, I am 24 and i have had diabetes for 15 years. I have spent 11 of these years abusing my body by cutting out insulin and having frequent DKA episodes. I have depression and diabulimia and these I am trying to get help for.

I feel a crippling amount of guilt and shame regarding what i have done to my body, my feet burn at night, my retinopathy screening results come back as 'signs of background retinopathy'... I fear that its too late for me, will my body ever be home to a baby? Will it ever recover? Are my kidneys next? Will I be able to live, like really live? Or will I have to face that im not cut out for this life?

I am desperate to get out of this but I dont know how to put myself first... I am losing it, I feel like i have nothing to give to the world anymore.

Click to expand...

Maybe just in time! I think the crucial thing here is if you can make sure your blood sugar levels never go above 10mmol, if you have a meter check after eating,which will help you see what foods cause it to go so high, and preferably not below 3mmol. Readings above 10.6 is where organs can become damaged, and other problems when too low. So avoid sweet foods/drinks go on a low carb diet. If you are on insulin then when you start low carb realise you may need to lower your insulin dose to prevent hypoglycemia. If you do that, and exercise a bit more get your body/muscles fit. My guess is you'll be able to do all the things you fear you'll never do.xxx

Hi @bumblebee95,
Sometimes it may seem as though we have to re-learn how to walk and concentrate on each step until it becomes automatic.
More than anything though it is accepting ourselves, forgiving ourselves and learning to love ourselves for who we are and for what may happen in the future. Someone to love, something to do, something to look forward to.
I can criticise myself and all I get is bothered. I can bargain with myself and hope the other half of me agrees.
Or I can accept what has happened, learn something from it and try something else or a different way of doing it.
Count/celebrate the victories when they happen.
How is your creative writing going ?? And would writing a poem about yourself, or from an 'outside' perspective' help you to see other things about life. ? A view, from the eye of an eagle, or a cat on the fence, or a bug on that tomato bush, the goldfish in the bowl etc ??? Bestest Wishes And happy baking !!!

Ask for help if ..........Things can seem overwhelming...and we feel small......But where there.....
...you need it.....................................................................................................is love and hope...there is life
....................... ..................... ...... ..

Taking care of you may be hard, but it is totally worth it @bumblebee95