Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes
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donnellysdogs
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People that can't listen to other people's opinions.
People that can't say sorry.
Love has to be two way doesn't it? Both have to be able to compromise?
No compromise here at all!
Loving life
No compromise here at all!
Loving life
Hi Molly,
You seem to be very concerned about your other half and his driving. I see him as reckless and selfish and affording no concern to other road users and pedestrians. God forbid that he has an accident and kills someone. I think it is time that you let his Doctor know about the situation with him falling asleep at the wheel and the possibility that he has peripheral neuropathy because you think he cheated when the Nurse tested him.. Whilst the Dr. will not discuss it with you owing to patient confidentiality, you could ask him to see him to avoid a nasty road accident that is waiting to happen.
The time has come to do something Molly. How will you feel if he does have an accident and someone is injured or killed? I think it will weigh heavily on your conscience and you will forever regret not being more proactive. Sometimes you have to do what is necessary even though he is your OH. Put yourself in the place of the family that he may injure. Would you make allowances for him then?
Nothing you do or say is sinking in with him, he is hell bent on continuing with the status quo and has little regard for your feelings. Don't waste your energy.
You seem to be very concerned about your other half and his driving. I see him as reckless and selfish and affording no concern to other road users and pedestrians. God forbid that he has an accident and kills someone. I think it is time that you let his Doctor know about the situation with him falling asleep at the wheel and the possibility that he has peripheral neuropathy because you think he cheated when the Nurse tested him.. Whilst the Dr. will not discuss it with you owing to patient confidentiality, you could ask him to see him to avoid a nasty road accident that is waiting to happen.
The time has come to do something Molly. How will you feel if he does have an accident and someone is injured or killed? I think it will weigh heavily on your conscience and you will forever regret not being more proactive. Sometimes you have to do what is necessary even though he is your OH. Put yourself in the place of the family that he may injure. Would you make allowances for him then?
Nothing you do or say is sinking in with him, he is hell bent on continuing with the status quo and has little regard for your feelings. Don't waste your energy.
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I will be the first to admit that it is perhaps me that is not dealing with this situation very well.
I have had lots of great advice and comments from people on this forum, some of which I have acted on and some which I have not…..if I may elaborate a little….
Many have said that I should sit him down and confront him about this, tell him how I feel etc but unfortunately up to now I have not felt that I have been able to do this….perhaps I am a coward and don’t want to invite confrontation as this is not in my nature...
My tactics have been more along the lines of watch, listen and learn…..watch to see what is going on, listen to advice and learn how I can perhaps deal with the situation to get the best outcome.
As individuals we each know best how to deal with the people that we live with….whether to go for the direct approach or whether a more subtle approach is needed….whether to go in heavy handed or take the softer approach and provide gentle encouragement in the hope that they choose the right direction for themselves.
As I seem to remember someone on the forum said to me once…..he is not a child but an adult who has temporarily lost his way due to his illness…..
Just as a final note for now….on a positive note I do see that adopting the “softly softly catchy monkey approach” is beginning to work as he has now begun to start testing (early days and only a few tests so far, but it is a start) and is starting to think about wanting to bring his bs levels down as he told me last night (his target he told me is about 8). Hopefully I can continue to provide the right sort of encouragement and advice to continue this momentum……..
Am off now to make an urgent appointment for him to see the podiatrist or the nurse about his foot problem….something else I have managed to persuade him to do over the weekend.
Have still got a list of other matters to tackle but hopefully we will get there
I have had lots of great advice and comments from people on this forum, some of which I have acted on and some which I have not…..if I may elaborate a little….
Many have said that I should sit him down and confront him about this, tell him how I feel etc but unfortunately up to now I have not felt that I have been able to do this….perhaps I am a coward and don’t want to invite confrontation as this is not in my nature...
My tactics have been more along the lines of watch, listen and learn…..watch to see what is going on, listen to advice and learn how I can perhaps deal with the situation to get the best outcome.
As individuals we each know best how to deal with the people that we live with….whether to go for the direct approach or whether a more subtle approach is needed….whether to go in heavy handed or take the softer approach and provide gentle encouragement in the hope that they choose the right direction for themselves.
As I seem to remember someone on the forum said to me once…..he is not a child but an adult who has temporarily lost his way due to his illness…..
Just as a final note for now….on a positive note I do see that adopting the “softly softly catchy monkey approach” is beginning to work as he has now begun to start testing (early days and only a few tests so far, but it is a start) and is starting to think about wanting to bring his bs levels down as he told me last night (his target he told me is about 8). Hopefully I can continue to provide the right sort of encouragement and advice to continue this momentum……..
Am off now to make an urgent appointment for him to see the podiatrist or the nurse about his foot problem….something else I have managed to persuade him to do over the weekend.
Have still got a list of other matters to tackle but hopefully we will get there
Mud Island Dweller
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So you don't want to go whole hog discussion wise but l suggest you tell him that you will be informing the insurance of the diabetes medication and dvla when he says he will, tell him no you will as you know it will be done and he has proved he will do nothing but lie, he will throw a wobbly and storm out but at least you will set in motion saving someone else's life.
Being brutally honest:
I know the pain the loss of a loved one can bring Brian and Emma deaths were a 100% accident and her family suffer as well...at least we can deal with it a lot easier (well l can, Emma's family l don't know am assuming) but had it been someone like your husband who is putting people at risk l am afraid in all honesty l do not know what l would do to the person but when Brian passed my/everyone's life meant nothing to me and had l been in a situation of knowing what you have said l would probably have found and killed him and l doubt l would have even felt satisfaction.
Being brutally honest:
I know the pain the loss of a loved one can bring Brian and Emma deaths were a 100% accident and her family suffer as well...at least we can deal with it a lot easier (well l can, Emma's family l don't know am assuming) but had it been someone like your husband who is putting people at risk l am afraid in all honesty l do not know what l would do to the person but when Brian passed my/everyone's life meant nothing to me and had l been in a situation of knowing what you have said l would probably have found and killed him and l doubt l would have even felt satisfaction.
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@Molly56 - "......... starting to think about wanting to bring his bs levels down as he told me last night (his target he told me is about 8)...... "
Your heart must have leapt!
But, in all seriousness, sometimes people really, really want to change, but just can't embrace it, for reasons we may not understand. For example, how many times have we heard people resolve for a new year to give up smoking, lose weight, drink less or a million other decent actions. And, for someone who is as stubborn as your husband appears to be, it can be difficult to change lifestyle, or living patters, with "public" implications without that person feeling they are losing face.
When I worked for one particular organisation, I had one guy, who reported to one of my direct reports, who was (and I guess still is) incredibly talented, clever and personable, but change, of almost any kind, pretty much freaked him out. He would resist, up to an inch of disciplinary, until eventually I got fed up of it, and decided to talk to him about it, informally, but with a clear message that he would be managed out of the business unless he could modify his approach. With him, it felt like he would happily walk to the line marking change (metaphorically), but just could not cross it. But, once backed into a corner and made to cross it, he would enthusiastically embrace the change, because that was the new "normal". Frankly, it was exhausting for everyone around him, and used to make the guy very stressed. As an outsider it seemed bonkers, but to him, it was how he dealt with "stuff". Eventually, he agreed to undergo a period of specialist mentoring, in order to bring him back into line with his peers. He was like a dog with two tails, and when I left, he told me his life was transformed. (Actually, I think the guys is an extremely intelligent, high-functioning autistic, but that's only diagnosed by me, in conjunction with Dr Google.)
I know that's a great big ramble, but I'm trying to maybe have a little look at your husband's situation from an alternative angle. If your husband is like this other guy, you will have to maintain your stance, and constantly positively reinforce the steps he is taking, otherwise, he may revert back to his historic norms.
I do hope these glimpses of change are the new shoots of fresh change, and you both see the benefits.
Your heart must have leapt!
But, in all seriousness, sometimes people really, really want to change, but just can't embrace it, for reasons we may not understand. For example, how many times have we heard people resolve for a new year to give up smoking, lose weight, drink less or a million other decent actions. And, for someone who is as stubborn as your husband appears to be, it can be difficult to change lifestyle, or living patters, with "public" implications without that person feeling they are losing face.
When I worked for one particular organisation, I had one guy, who reported to one of my direct reports, who was (and I guess still is) incredibly talented, clever and personable, but change, of almost any kind, pretty much freaked him out. He would resist, up to an inch of disciplinary, until eventually I got fed up of it, and decided to talk to him about it, informally, but with a clear message that he would be managed out of the business unless he could modify his approach. With him, it felt like he would happily walk to the line marking change (metaphorically), but just could not cross it. But, once backed into a corner and made to cross it, he would enthusiastically embrace the change, because that was the new "normal". Frankly, it was exhausting for everyone around him, and used to make the guy very stressed. As an outsider it seemed bonkers, but to him, it was how he dealt with "stuff". Eventually, he agreed to undergo a period of specialist mentoring, in order to bring him back into line with his peers. He was like a dog with two tails, and when I left, he told me his life was transformed. (Actually, I think the guys is an extremely intelligent, high-functioning autistic, but that's only diagnosed by me, in conjunction with Dr Google.)
I know that's a great big ramble, but I'm trying to maybe have a little look at your husband's situation from an alternative angle. If your husband is like this other guy, you will have to maintain your stance, and constantly positively reinforce the steps he is taking, otherwise, he may revert back to his historic norms.
I do hope these glimpses of change are the new shoots of fresh change, and you both see the benefits.
You're a very patient lady and you will know him so much more than everyone. I hope your softly softly approach does the trick, but you know that with certain things you will have to do what's right. Hopefully, it won't be needed. Good Luck
donnellysdogs
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I know from my hubby (not diabetic) that he would attempt change but could't do it long term. That was using my softly softly approach.
It took a lot of tough talking to get a permanent change. He now has perfect bmi and life and laughter.
After tough talk, by a counsellor he is permanently changed.
I so hope that your softly softly approach does work. However I was so ground down that I too needed to change. My best change is to say 3 nice things to him a day.. Don't even think about it now... Praise goes a huge long way especially when they have got used to you criticising their actions.
I know hubby could go back to eating **** when I'm not around, but he doesn't. I would know eventually as the weight would go back on!!
It good to see he has pride in himself again too. A lot of this was taken away /lost by him with his previous job.
I so hope that you will be a success with softly, softly.
Loving life
It took a lot of tough talking to get a permanent change. He now has perfect bmi and life and laughter.
After tough talk, by a counsellor he is permanently changed.
I so hope that your softly softly approach does work. However I was so ground down that I too needed to change. My best change is to say 3 nice things to him a day.. Don't even think about it now... Praise goes a huge long way especially when they have got used to you criticising their actions.
I know hubby could go back to eating **** when I'm not around, but he doesn't. I would know eventually as the weight would go back on!!
It good to see he has pride in himself again too. A lot of this was taken away /lost by him with his previous job.
I so hope that you will be a success with softly, softly.
Loving life
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@graj0 Am beginning to think that my patience and definitely my energy is beginning to run out.....think I need to take some time out for myself and allow things to run their course for a while.......there is only so much one person can do.......am having to tackle so many things at once and feel that I am not coping very well.
Am probably just feeling a bit tired and maybe things will look different in a few days........hopefully.
I take your point that "with certain things you will have to do what's right" and I will address these but just need some time for myself first - that's not being selfish, more like self preservation of my own sanity. As you say...hopefully it won't be needed.
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Just wanted to post an apology to anyone that thinks I am being a bit unsympathetic at the moment in this thread or any of the posts on my other threads.....am finding it tough at the moment as everything I am trying to do to help is just not working....in fact it all seems to be going backwards at the moment rather than forwards with regards to not getting up / sleeping too much, eating the wrong foods and testing - has stopped testing / bs levels still high - ......add to that the apathy he has about the foot ulcer and I am definitely losing the battle!
Frustration has been replaced by a feeling of 'not caring'....though I probably still do....as my patience and energy is running out.
Am probably just in need of a break and rethinking where we are at....will hopefully find some renewed enthusiasm and a new plan of action soon but it is certainly not easy.
Am on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at the moment.....a lot of ups and downs............just keep thinking of the Ronan Keating song "Life is a Rollercoaster"....and as the lyrics say......'Just Gotta Ride It'
Frustration has been replaced by a feeling of 'not caring'....though I probably still do....as my patience and energy is running out.
Am probably just in need of a break and rethinking where we are at....will hopefully find some renewed enthusiasm and a new plan of action soon but it is certainly not easy.
Am on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at the moment.....a lot of ups and downs
............just keep thinking of the Ronan Keating song "Life is a Rollercoaster"....and as the lyrics say......'Just Gotta Ride It'
satindoll
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Hi Molly,
I have been following your threads through all the ups and downs and have felt in turn you must be an angel or a fool, I have kept quiet till now as I didn't think I had anything constructive to say, but I too put up with the if it doesn't bother me routine till it got to the point of himself collapsing and I could not get to him to lift him off the floor, thankfully son was able to climb through bathroom window and pick him up, at that point though I absolutely adore the man I began to hate him for what he was doing to me and the boy so I told him straight either he took more care of himself as he was putting us through hell and that he obviously didn't give a jot for us for doing so or he could ****** off.
Now I'm not advocating this is what you do but I get the feeling you are getting to the point where love is turning to hate, If I am wrong I apologise, but he is putting so many people at risk with his driving, if he doesn't kill himself think of the people he could and do what you know you should, he runs the risk of losing his foot and will expect you to push him about and wipe his bum he isn't a child he is the master of his own fate, your fate is what you make it, be you or a door mat the choice is yours.
I have been following your threads through all the ups and downs and have felt in turn you must be an angel or a fool, I have kept quiet till now as I didn't think I had anything constructive to say, but I too put up with the if it doesn't bother me routine till it got to the point of himself collapsing and I could not get to him to lift him off the floor, thankfully son was able to climb through bathroom window and pick him up, at that point though I absolutely adore the man I began to hate him for what he was doing to me and the boy so I told him straight either he took more care of himself as he was putting us through hell and that he obviously didn't give a jot for us for doing so or he could ****** off.
Now I'm not advocating this is what you do but I get the feeling you are getting to the point where love is turning to hate, If I am wrong I apologise, but he is putting so many people at risk with his driving, if he doesn't kill himself think of the people he could and do what you know you should, he runs the risk of losing his foot and will expect you to push him about and wipe his bum he isn't a child he is the master of his own fate, your fate is what you make it, be you or a door mat the choice is yours.
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Hi Molly ..
Could I ask why you are going down the very softly softly route .. When it's putting both of you in danger ! Sometimes us men need to be treated as grow ups and told straight about what we are doing wrong. When my wife sat me down and told me straight what will happen (medic wise) if we did not devise a plan to work within, I was reluctant to change. (I hate change, and am told I am stubborn) but when I viewed the problems my diabetes can cause it shocked me into trying things her way. I am very glad I did ... My life has changed for the better in so many ways.
So how about you tell him you love him .. And then have the mother of all rows with him ... Then set out together an eating plan along with something that will keep him active during the day ... We have an open fire .. So I was given a new tree saw and told to sort out the dead trees in the garden, then we can burn them in the winter for free heat ... I have also started gardening again .. Only a few bits in pot and grow bags .. But it all a start.
I know if I am honest .. If my wife had left me to not change my ways I would have blamed her for any further health problems I may have for not controlling my blood sugars .. If I caused an accident driving due to high sugar levels .. then yes it would again be her fault.. Sometimes our partners need to be hard .. Tough love .. As the wife said .. My life is important to her .. Even if at the time it was not important to me
Hope you get through to him before it's to late !!!!!!!
Could I ask why you are going down the very softly softly route .. When it's putting both of you in danger ! Sometimes us men need to be treated as grow ups and told straight about what we are doing wrong. When my wife sat me down and told me straight what will happen (medic wise) if we did not devise a plan to work within, I was reluctant to change. (I hate change, and am told I am stubborn) but when I viewed the problems my diabetes can cause it shocked me into trying things her way. I am very glad I did ... My life has changed for the better in so many ways.
So how about you tell him you love him .. And then have the mother of all rows with him ... Then set out together an eating plan along with something that will keep him active during the day ... We have an open fire .. So I was given a new tree saw and told to sort out the dead trees in the garden, then we can burn them in the winter for free heat ... I have also started gardening again .. Only a few bits in pot and grow bags .. But it all a start.
I know if I am honest .. If my wife had left me to not change my ways I would have blamed her for any further health problems I may have for not controlling my blood sugars .. If I caused an accident driving due to high sugar levels .. then yes it would again be her fault.. Sometimes our partners need to be hard .. Tough love .. As the wife said .. My life is important to her .. Even if at the time it was not important to me
Hope you get through to him before it's to late !!!!!!!
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I've found your thread fascinating and i've said before you have the patience of a saint. his bloods are much improved and hes testing, even once a day is a marvelous thing for someone who refused.
i bet you are glad to actually go to work as its a break for you.
It does sound like some classic depression symptoms sleeping all day, and thats because hes got nothing to do or wont do it anyway. he could have mowed the lawn for you.
I think you should visit your friends more often, a bit of a wake up call, even go on a proper week away.
i do wish you all the best.
x
i bet you are glad to actually go to work as its a break for you.
It does sound like some classic depression symptoms sleeping all day, and thats because hes got nothing to do or wont do it anyway. he could have mowed the lawn for you.
I think you should visit your friends more often, a bit of a wake up call, even go on a proper week away.
i do wish you all the best.
x
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@Bev18 ...just a quick reply for now....the other progress was that he was up and dressed by 9.30 am.....perhaps it was something I said yesterday.....
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Have just been reading back through some of the recent replies …..thank you for all your responses and views….it is helpful to see the things that other people have experienced and the ways in which they have dealt with them…and how this relates to my situation.
Rather than give answers to individual replies perhaps I can tackle them all in one
@satindoll …if you don’t mind me asking what was the result of the ultimatum that you issued – did he manage to change or did he remain with the same attitude after his collapse. I often think that it will only be after a major wake-up call that my partner will start to take any of this seriously as despite all of my recent efforts we do not seem to have made any real progress.
@Enclave …it is good to hear that your wife managed to help you to change for the better and that your life is much improved as a result. I wish that I too could do some straight talking and get him to see how much better life could be if we get this sorted out together but he is very much stuck in his ways, stubborn and reluctant to change…
As a quick bit of background I have just learnt tonight that he has been suffering from Type 2 diabetes for over 15 years (it could be much longer)….we have only been together for the past five years and he was diabetic before he got married to his second wife (married for 10 years)…..don’t know how long before this he was diagnosed as he just clammed up when I asked and didn’t want to say. Don’t know if this puts a different light on any of this other than if he hasn’t managed to do anything or couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it in all that time how likely is he to change now….have always thought I could be on a losing battle.
@Bev18 ….yes his bloods have come down a little and he will at least now test (though only intermittently if I remind him) so good news there and yes I agree about the classic depression symptoms (he is also on antidepressants so would have hoped these were doing something to help) …..work as you say is a welcome relief and escape from what is going on at home (perhaps an odd admission to make!) and the break is much needed for my own wellbeing and to maintain my own sanity.
As a final footnote….stress levels today were increased as waiting for my youngest son’s A level results…not exactly what he had hoped for but he has hopefully secured a place at University this autumn…..is great to have some good news to share for a change.
Rather than give answers to individual replies perhaps I can tackle them all in one
@satindoll …if you don’t mind me asking what was the result of the ultimatum that you issued – did he manage to change or did he remain with the same attitude after his collapse. I often think that it will only be after a major wake-up call that my partner will start to take any of this seriously as despite all of my recent efforts we do not seem to have made any real progress.
@Enclave …it is good to hear that your wife managed to help you to change for the better and that your life is much improved as a result. I wish that I too could do some straight talking and get him to see how much better life could be if we get this sorted out together but he is very much stuck in his ways, stubborn and reluctant to change…
As a quick bit of background I have just learnt tonight that he has been suffering from Type 2 diabetes for over 15 years (it could be much longer)….we have only been together for the past five years and he was diabetic before he got married to his second wife (married for 10 years)…..don’t know how long before this he was diagnosed as he just clammed up when I asked and didn’t want to say. Don’t know if this puts a different light on any of this other than if he hasn’t managed to do anything or couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it in all that time how likely is he to change now….have always thought I could be on a losing battle.
@Bev18 ….yes his bloods have come down a little and he will at least now test (though only intermittently if I remind him) so good news there and yes I agree about the classic depression symptoms (he is also on antidepressants so would have hoped these were doing something to help) …..work as you say is a welcome relief and escape from what is going on at home (perhaps an odd admission to make!) and the break is much needed for my own wellbeing and to maintain my own sanity.
As a final footnote….stress levels today were increased as waiting for my youngest son’s A level results…not exactly what he had hoped for but he has hopefully secured a place at University this autumn…..is great to have some good news to share for a change.
satindoll
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Hi Molly,
Well after my ultimatum he got shirty as they do, went very quiet for a day or two, by which point I was fuming as he hadn't changed his attitude, so I packed his stuff up and put it outside, so when he came he knocked on the door and asked if we could talk, I let him in and he apologised for his behaviour and said he would try and change and if I wasn't happy at any time he would leave, well from then on he had been a different bloke, yes there have been days when I have had to get out the suitcase rather than shout at him, but they are now very few and far between, it was a wake up call he could not ignore because he finally realised I meant it.
If your chap has been married before and he had it then makes me wonder why his ex is an ex. was he like this with her, did she just have enough and even more suspicious is why does he clam up about it, I would think very carefully about your future with someone who doesn't seem to care about how his attitude is affecting you.
Can only speak from my experience my man at least eventually realised he was about to lose everything he said he cared for and finally pulled himself together,
Well after my ultimatum he got shirty as they do, went very quiet for a day or two, by which point I was fuming as he hadn't changed his attitude, so I packed his stuff up and put it outside, so when he came he knocked on the door and asked if we could talk, I let him in and he apologised for his behaviour and said he would try and change and if I wasn't happy at any time he would leave, well from then on he had been a different bloke, yes there have been days when I have had to get out the suitcase rather than shout at him, but they are now very few and far between, it was a wake up call he could not ignore because he finally realised I meant it.
If your chap has been married before and he had it then makes me wonder why his ex is an ex. was he like this with her, did she just have enough and even more suspicious is why does he clam up about it, I would think very carefully about your future with someone who doesn't seem to care about how his attitude is affecting you.
Can only speak from my experience my man at least eventually realised he was about to lose everything he said he cared for and finally pulled himself together,
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Sorry Molly, 15 years makes a very big difference to everything .. He is set in his denial of his condition and I don't expect he will change now. Advice I would offer now is .. Just slowly go forward with the diabetes and try to let him enjoy each day as much as he can. I wonder if he has, or thinks he has other health problems that he's keeping from you. As you love him I feel you need to now accept this is part of who he is and embrace his life. If you cannot accept him this way then get his bags packed and move on.. Life's way to short to stay in a relationship that's not bringing happiness
Pleased to hear your sons good news, grades are not everything as long as he still gets his Uni place))
15 years makes a very big difference to everything .. He is set in his denial of his condition and I don't expect he will change now. Advice I would offer now is .. Just slowly go forward with the diabetes and try to let him enjoy each day as much as he can. I wonder if he has, or thinks he has other health problems that he's keeping from you. As you love him I feel you need to now accept this is part of who he is and embrace his life. If you cannot accept him this way then get his bags packed and move on.. Life's way to short to stay in a relationship that's not bringing happiness Pleased to hear your sons good news, grades are not everything as long as he still gets his Uni place
))
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Sorry Molly,
Pleased to hear your sons good news, grades are not everything as long as he still gets his Uni place
@Enclave …perhaps as you say he is in denial about his diabetes and he won’t ever change …..perhaps it is me that needs to accept that this is the way it is going to be …
.....but then again if there is anything I can do to help to minimise the complications that he will / could get if he does not control his diabetes then I think that I should at least try and not just give up on him just yet.
As far as other health problems go - as far as I know he is not keeping anything from me…there are other things but nothing major as far as I am aware and many can be linked back to the diabetes to a degree or just general ageing / wear and tear on joints.
Am pleased to say that my son has hopefully secured a place at Uni now to start in October and will be studying for a degree in Biomedical Science…..
....who knows what research opportunities will come his way in the future....- Status
