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Low mood, feeling like a failure and wanting to self harm again

C

Catherine4188

Well-Known Member
Messages
124
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Hello all,

I’m writing this message to stop myself from heading to the bathroom and using my needles to scratch my stomach. I’ve had about a week now of feeling low again after a spell of feeling more positive. I know the relief I feel when I do scratch myself and it gives me a sense of control and power that I feel I lack in life. I just know I shouldn’t do it.

It’s been a pretty rough 3 years since my diagnosis with type 1 diabetes. Despite having my wonderful son, 2 years ago, after a miscarriage which happened at point of diagnosis, I have had a horrible time. My husband has been suffering from severe depression and anxiety and to put a long story short he tried to kill himself twice, has been aggressive, lived away from the house for 3 months, started messaging a co-worker, and has generally been pretty horrible in his depression. I have put myself at the bottom of the pile for about 18 months and self harmed to have some control of something by not taking my insulin for weeks on end and when I couldn’t stomach feeling so Ill any more I started using my needles to scratch my stomach in between my stretch marks so no one would see them. But finally recently started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But this week... all the negative thoughts are back. I feel like a failure in my job, I feel like I’m not as good of a mum as others, I think I’m probably a pretty boring wife and my husband just sees me as the easy option rather than having to start again. I honestly do not know why anyone is my friend as I’m just so dull and I struggle socially. I look so horrible, I’m flabby and my hair is thinning and I hate my teeth. I feel judged at every moment of my existence and all the pressure that brings. I just can’t block these thoughts out, all I want to do is shut them up and be alone and sleep.

I received counselling by a diabetes specialist psychologist but when things got better I stopped the sessions thinking I was wasting her time and someone else would make better use of it. I now wish I could still see her, but her waiting list is about 4-6 months.

Can anyone help with some advice? I just need to stop myself harming and talking is helping, sorry for making you read all this.
 
You're locking yourself into a spiral. See your own worth as others do. Above all, get some help
 
I'm not sure how your system works, but the waiting list might be for new people and since you saw her before you might be able to get in faster? Call and talk to her office and tell them you are in bad shape and think you need to be seen by someone pretty quickly and you have seen her before. It might be a faster way to get help.

I am not a pyschologist but I think if you dwell on the bad things and keep dwelling on a poor self image it will just make you worse. Everyone has downturns in life and it is normal to be saddened by them and that's okay. But you need to start looking at what's good. I know a lot of depression is caused by feeling hopeless by what is going on and it sounds like you have had some issues so it might help to start thinking about how to control and solve what is going on right now and looking ahead by solving them so you don't feel so hopeless.

I am not in the UK but I believe you can contact and tell your doctor and they might get you help or I think there are some places you can call. Hopefully someone will be along that can help you with that.
 

Catherine, things certainly sound very difficult right now for you, over a range of topics, with your diabetes as the weapon you are using against yourself?

Whilst not T1, and never having been a classic self-harmed, in terms of using an actual, physical weapon on myself, I did, many moons ago, go through a very dark phase, which related to control in my life, and everything appearing outside my control, where I turned to eating (or in my case, not eating), to exert control. It seemed like the only thing I could control.

So, I can relate to the out of control, lack of self-worth aspects of your post. It's a dreadful, dire place to be, but you have already identified a few things.

I would urge you to ask your clinic, or however it was you first accessed the counselling service, to re-refer you, or hook an appointment. Please stress that you are already self harming. It might be uncomfortable to do, but it will help to convey your needs.

From there, please take each day as it comes. Maybe try writing either a diary, or I feel that feels a bit much a daily note of your highlights and lowlights. A highlight might be something your sone does, or something that happens at work. Your lowlights could be anything.

Firstly, that could help demonstrate to yourself there are things in your life that are going well, but also will record instances when you have felt really low. Both of those things can be really useful when starting counselling. You know how it it goes, when you are asked, "tell me about a time when,....." and your mind just goes blank!?! So annoying, when no doubt you have legions of those thoughts, but they just won't come to mind.

Stick around Cathering. There are many on here who have experienced burn out of one kind or another. In fact, there's a great thread, created over time, I'll try to find for you.

Her it is: https://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/burnout.165243/#post-2072413

It's a quiet time on forum right now, but I'm sure there'll be plenty around to try to help when's it becomes more like daytime in UK.
 
Hello @Catherine4188

Sorry to hear your feeling like this, have you tried talking to your team about this ?

It sounds like your being incredibly hard on yourself by focusing on your negatives and putting yourself through too much, talking will help but also getting professional support too, do you keep a diary and record your feelings at all because if not it would be important for you to understand what’s going through your head when this happens. Also write down your positives and try to focus on these instead when you are feeling negative, do you exercise at all ?

I hope you can seek help as you have a beautiful son and so a happy mum is important for him too, take care and let us know how you get on ?
 
Hi @Catherine4188

You really sound like to are having a rough time of it.

Please try to focus on the main positive, which is your wonderful son. Above all else, you have something special to focus on.

It may look bleak now, but gradually other things will improve in time.
 
Hello @Catherine4188
Please take the insulin- highs make us feel worse.
Please write down how you feel or print out your post and take it to the GP. Also you could self refer for talking therapy.
Life is super tough sometimes and we all need help now and then.
 
Thanks everyone. I’ve come into work today and been hit with someone telling me I’ve done something wrong and that I’m responsible for ruining someone’s self esteem and weekend. I’ve broken down at work. So embarrassing.

Please don’t think I’m saying I want to kill myself, far from it, I have my kids to live for and they keep me going. My urge to harm is a control thing and I am feeling a very strong urge to do it today. I haven’t because I know it’s wrong but I really want to.
Thanks for everyone’s time. I really appreciate it. X
 
Sometimes life is just poop, and having a good cry is just the best thing that can happan, even if it is at work. Some of us are are copers, at least on the surface, and because we look like we cope, we often get ignored and we hate making a fuss. I do not know if you have looked at the self harm charity web sites and forums, the moderated ones can support you while you wait for formal help.
 
Unsure and you don’t need to tell us what you do for a living @Catherine4188 but wow being told that information is pretty harsh - how someone manages their feelings is their responsibility but being told your to blame in unfair.

Rise above it and don’t blame yourself for how they are feeling x
 
I’ve been told by my management that I’m absolutely correct and have done nothing wrong at all, if anything I did over what I should to be kind and supportive, but I still feel horrible that someone has gone away and felt like this. I don’t want anyone going away feeling negative about themselves because of my actions. I know I need to let it go, but I find that hard to do.

I’m having a slightly brighter morning this morning. Don’t feel like crying at the drop of a hat, which is always good...
 
Hope the day was reasonable.
 
Where I live in Wales, once you stop councelling there is a year during which you can contact the councelor again without having to go to the back of the queue again. Is that a possibility for you?

Alternatively, are there any he resources for you at work?

Best wishes to you.
 
I am sorry for what you are going through but it is a story all to common, i myself have been there on more than one or two times. You think that life is not worth living and that if you were not there the people you love would be better off but you have made the first step to getting better asking for help, my personal experience is that you only get a certain amount of time before you are told that your time is up and then you look for other help. I have suffered from depression and other mental health problems to which the crisis team have had to be called, when you get diabetes it takes along time to get used to it and then you get told about what other things can happen. No one person can do it all alone everybody needs help even its just someone to listen to you, i got diabetes in 1979 and i would wish know one has had to go through the hell that has been my life. From the name calling eyes ops, mental health and a double transplant these are a few of the things that i have battled and to be truthful i am only here today for my children as i have been a single parent for 7 years. It has ended some of my relationships and one girl even cheated on my when i was depressed and got pregnant, this alone to a normal healthy person is hard but put diabetes and depression on top is evil. Please keep talking all of us are worth better but there are days when you cannot see the light but it is there just keep looking.
 
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