my husband not me

[Sylvia Crawley]

Ever since my husband has been told he has type 2 diabetes he has stopped eating his regular meals. He misses his evening meal saying he just doesn't want anything to eat. He has had his bladder and prostate out because of bladder cancer. He has a urine bag on the outside of his body from both kidneys. He has chronic kidney disease. This has all happened in the past year and he is 83 years old. Getting told about the diabetes seams to have shoved him over the edge. It doesn't matter what i say he wont listen. It seems our 52 relationship means nothing to him. He goes to see the nurse in 3 week time so go knows what she will say to him. I just hope he will listen to her. It's such a long time to go from lunch time to breakfast the next day. I dont know what to do i am at my wits end. Thankyou for reading my post. from Sylvia

 

[Rachox]

I don’t know what the rationale is behind your husband skipping a meal in the evening, however I just wanted to reassure you that some diabetics use intermittent fasting as a way of control of their diabetes. I’m not saying this is necessarily why your husband has decided to do it but wanted to say he won’t come to any harm, so long as he is eating enough food at the two meals he does eat. Some people only eat one meal a day and are fine.

Edit. Oopsie where are my manners, this is your first post, so welcome to the forum.

 

[BrianTheElder]

Sorry to hear you are both having a bad time.
One of the worst things I find is that my diet means that we eat different things and not always at the same time.
I think you must let him cope with this in his own way and you will both need to make adjustments.
I don't think the intermittent fasting is a bad thing at all, as long as the overall diet has enough nutrients and not many carbs.
Wait and see what the outcome with the nurse is, I hope it turns out well.

 

[ElenaP]

Ever since my husband has been told he has type 2 diabetes he has stopped eating his regular meals. He misses his evening meal saying he just doesn't want anything to eat. He has had his bladder and prostate out because of bladder cancer. He has a urine bag on the outside of his body from both kidneys. He has chronic kidney disease. This has all happened in the past year and he is 83 years old. Getting told about the diabetes seams to have shoved him over the edge. It doesn't matter what i say he wont listen. It seems our 52 relationship means nothing to him. He goes to see the nurse in 3 week time so go knows what she will say to him. I just hope he will listen to her. It's such a long time to go from lunch time to breakfast the next day. I dont know what to do i am at my wits end. Thankyou for reading my post. from Sylvia

I am sorry to read about all these medical problems that your husband has. It must be so hard for both of you. Would you be able persuade him to eat extra protein at lunch, to make up for not eating an evening meal?

 

[ravensmitten]

That's a lot to take in over the last year, my dads a similar age and had a lot happen in the last year or so too (not diabetes), and he's not been as keen on eating as much as he used to previously.

I have no advice.

 

[Paul_]

It seems our 52 relationship means nothing to him. He goes to see the nurse in 3 week time so go knows what she will say to him. I just hope he will listen to her. It's such a long time to go from lunch time to breakfast the next day. I dont know what to do i am at my wits end. Thankyou for reading my post. from Sylvia

Hi Sylvia, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you and your husband have had such a rough time of it.

All I can offer is to assure you that you shouldn't take it personally, as difficult as that may be. It's a difficult diagnosis to get. In the first 3 months following diagnosis, it felt like I was constantly being poked, prodded at and tested. It was a lot, especially when you're also coming to terms with a lot of change being needed - and that's without cancer being a challenge beforehand. It's highly unlikely that your 52 year relationship means nothing to him, more likely is that when we go through tough times then sometimes we take out our frustrations on those closest to us, even if that takes the form of being stubborn.

Have you managed to get him to talk about how he feels about the diagnosis itself, rather than meals/food? Initially, processing and dealing with the emotional/psychological side of diagnosis is the best first step, food/meals can then follow.

 

[Sylvia Crawley]

I am sorry to read about all these medical problems that your husband has. It must be so hard for both of you. Would you be able persuade him to eat extra protein at lunch, to make up for not eating an evening meal?

Thanks for reading my story, I try to give him what he wants for his meals as i have spent hours reading about diabetes on the web. But he wont eat a lot and he leaves half of what i give him and says he is full. I dont know if the diabetes makes him feel sick or what ?.

 

[Sylvia Crawley]

Thanks for reading my story, I try to give him what he wants for his meals as i have spent hours reading about diabetes on the web. But he wont eat a lot and he leaves half of what i give him and says he is full. I dont know if the diabetes makes him feel sick or what ?.

Hi Sylvia, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you and your husband have had such a rough time of it.

All I can offer is to assure you that you shouldn't take it personally, as difficult as that may be. It's a difficult diagnosis to get. In the first 3 months following diagnosis, it felt like I was constantly being poked, prodded at and tested. It was a lot, especially when you're also coming to terms with a lot of change being needed - and that's without cancer being a challenge beforehand. It's highly unlikely that your 52 year relationship means nothing to him, more likely is that when we go through tough times then sometimes we take out our frustrations on those closest to us, even if that takes the form of being stubborn.

Have you managed to get him to talk about how he feels about the diagnosis itself, rather than meals/food? Initially, processing and dealing with the emotional/psychological side of diagnosis is the best first step, food/meals can then follow.

I asked him if he was worried about the diabetes and he said he didnt care anymore even though his cancer consultant said it was only a mild count of 50.

 

[Paul_]

I asked him if he was worried about the diabetes and he said he didnt care anymore even though his cancer consultant said it was only a mild count of 50.

Just to confirm, was 50 his hba1c result? If so, that is a low end diabetic result and with a few relatively simple changes he could lower that. There's also medication that could help, if he wanted. You probably already know this, you said you've been researching, but I mean it reassuringly rather than informatively.

Keep talking to him. You've both had such a torrid time of it, but the most important thing you can do to help him at this point is just to reassure you're there for him.

Thanks for reading my story, I try to give him what he wants for his meals as i have spent hours reading about diabetes on the web. But he wont eat a lot and he leaves half of what i give him and says he is full. I dont know if the diabetes makes him feel sick or what ?.

High blood glucose can have a multitude of symptoms and side effects, some physical (e.g. numbness in extremities, frequent urination, wonky eyesight, excessive thirst etc), some psychological (e.g. stress, depression, foggy mind etc). In the weeks and months leading up to my diagnosis, my stress levels went off the chart, so it's fair to say I probably didn't handle all situations in the most constructive way. The same could be the case here, particularly when it's just another diagnosis shortly after cancer.

 

[Antje77]

I asked him if he was worried about the diabetes and he said he didnt care anymore even though his cancer consultant said it was only a mild count of 50.

This sounds more like a general mental health issue because of everything that's been happening in the past year than as an issue with the diabetes.
At a hba1c of 50, his blood glucose isn't something any doctor would worry about at his age.
At 50, he's only just over the diabetic threshold, it's not a number where you'd expect any bad complications to happen in many years.

Can you get any mental help, not only for him but for yourself as well? The both of you must really have had a very hard time this past year, and the mental side may have been overlooked with all the pressing physical emergencies.
I really think this is way more important than a borderline diabetes diagnosis.

Just as a point of reference, a diabetes diagnosis starts at 48, but many of us are diagnosed with numbers in the 70's, 90's, or 100's. At only 50, with more than enough on your plates already, I don't think this borderline diabetes is much of an issue, physically.

I wish you both all the best!

 

[VashtiB]

Another welcome @Sylvia Crawley

It sounds like you have both been through a lot. Do you have support for yourself. It can be very tough being sick and also very tough being a carer for someone who is sick.

I agree with @Antje77 that it sounds like your husband is having a tough time emotionally. He is very lucky to have you in his corner. It may take him some time to come to terms with the diagnosis on top of everything else. It may help if you go with him to the nurse so you can hear what she has to say.

Wishing you both the best.

 

[JoKalsbeek]

Ever since my husband has been told he has type 2 diabetes he has stopped eating his regular meals. He misses his evening meal saying he just doesn't want anything to eat. He has had his bladder and prostate out because of bladder cancer. He has a urine bag on the outside of his body from both kidneys. He has chronic kidney disease. This has all happened in the past year and he is 83 years old. Getting told about the diabetes seams to have shoved him over the edge. It doesn't matter what i say he wont listen. It seems our 52 relationship means nothing to him. He goes to see the nurse in 3 week time so go knows what she will say to him. I just hope he will listen to her. It's such a long time to go from lunch time to breakfast the next day. I dont know what to do i am at my wits end. Thankyou for reading my post. from Sylvia

I'm so sorry things have been so strained, but really, it's likely more a matter of his feeling out of control than him disregarding everything you say and your relationship meaning nothing. He's scared, just like you are, and likely traumatised by one thing after another. Like cancer isn't enough to be dealing with. If it is any consolation, it is indeed true that if he eats enough vitamins, minerals, protein and fats in the two meals he does have, he should be fine. He doesn't physically need to take those steps, with a HbA1c of only 50 (which really is peanuts, but doesn't sound like it when you're not well-versed in the diabetes thing yet, and are still new to the whole thing), but he might need to to feel a little more safe within his own body. It might feel like it's been turning against him, after all. Many here practice one or two meals a day to control their blood sugars, on its own or in combination with a low carb lifestyle. I do, and it brought me better health, but my diabetes was raging out of control for years prior to that. Nowhere near a neat and tidy 50, at that point. Thing is now to find out WHY he's doing that. If he was put on metformin, he might be feeling ill from the side effects (If that persists for more than two weeks, in spite of having it on a full stomach, those side effects aren't going away and slow release metformin might be better.). Or, he just did some reading and decided two meals a day seemed a doable way to manage the diabetes. If supper is mainly spuds and the like, that would automatically mean cutting down on carbohydrates, so that should lower his blood glucose. It's easy for us to say "Up the protein in his other meals", but with his kidney issues that may not be feasible. Maybe add in a little more healthy fats, like avocado and the like? Something for his body to run on, while not making blood sugars spike nor his kidneys worse. I hope the diabetes nurse will refer him to a dietician, if he doesn't have one yet post-cancer/kidney disease diagnosis. These days with the NHS I don't know what is available and what isn't (I'm Dutch and the current lines over there for a dentist baffle me), but it'd be good to balance out his nutritional needs. Truth be told though, when you're dealing with multiple conditions, you have to prioritise... Which is the more pressing matter? With a HbA1c of 50, he seems to be doing pretty well, not in immediate danger of complicatons at that rate, and it's likely to be lower and back into the pre-diabetic range with the way he changed his eating. But it's important for him to treat the other stuff properly as well. The blood sugars aren't going to cause complications any time soon. The kidneys and post-cancer treatment should take priority.

It's scary stuff, all of it. I know my mom needed more steroids after her cancer treatment started, and it triggered steroid-induced diabetes for her. It's like you can't tackle one thing without excerberating another, and half the time you don't know where to look to first. It's terrifying and it's frustrating. And if your husband is one of those who internalises everything and doesn't want to be a bother to others, well... That doesn't help. Try and have a sit-down and tell him you asked other diabetics for advice, because everything that's going on is a horror and you're feeling shut out. Maybe not throw things out there like do I mean nothing to you, but just let him know he's not the only one that's terrified, and you're flaundering too, not knowing how to help, and wanting to. Again, two meals a day should be perfectly fine, and now you know it, too. So tell him you want to help make those meals count towards healing from the cancer treatment and controlling the kidney disease.

You're an excellent, caring spouse. I got lucky with one of those too, and let me tell you... When times get tough, it's good to have someone in your corner. You're in his. We're in yours. Hang in there.

Hugs,
Jo

 

[AndBreathe]

Hi @Sylvia Crawley , I'm sorry to hear of the challenges you and your husband have faced over the last year. Sometimes life just seems to pile it all on with little or no respite.

If your relationship was previously fine, I doubt it is your relationship that is getting in the way for your husband and you, but I'd guess it's this latest unwelcome caller to your household. I say household because none of the things you mention affect only him. They may be focused on him, but you will also have been through the milk with all that has happened. It is incredibly difficult watching someone you love going through the mill and not knowing what to do to make things better. I feel for you.

My suggestion would be that for the shorter term at least, try to go with the flow. I appreciate not eating from lunchtime until breakfast may be alien to you, but it is actually becoming accepted as quite a healthy approach for some folks.

If his weight is remaining stable, or if he could do with trimming up, he's just losing steadily, don't worry too much.

You say you have read up a lot about diabetes and diet in recent times. Are your meals similar to before or have they changed quite a bit? If they have changed a lot, he may be resenting another enforced change, he really doesn't want to embrace. (Nobody likes enforced change.)

With an HbA1c of 50, he has only just tripped over into the T2 diagnostic zone, so he may not need too many changes to be on track, and if he has had lots of treatment for his cancer in the last year, there could be a knock on effect from that, which may, or may not be permanent.

So, all in all, please try to ease up on yourself and him, and see what the next few weeks bring. Diabetes in a long haul. There's no need to rush at everything at once.


I feel certain you are worried for him, and that is totally natural, but you must look after yourself too. None of this mental anguish will be helping with that. You know the old saying,...... "You can't drink from an empty cup."

 

[Outlier]

I can't add to the helpful words from everyone else except to say yes, do go with him to the appointment because two sets of ears are better than one, and with something so overwhelming as this, a lot of advice coming quickly can sometimes be hard to remember.

 

[mouseee]

My mother was diabetic T2 for many years and ended up not eating properly which was a worry. She would eat sweets to feel better as she was an emotional eater.
With 50 as hba1c, avoiding sugary desserts and sugar in tea or coffee as well as not eating a whole French loaf at one sitting will help him a lot.
Hes lucky he's got you to nag him to eat! And I go to all my husband's appts for anything medical as if I don't, he's definitely dying by the time he leaves the doctors!!! Definitely go and take your own list of questions.
It sounds like you've both had a lot to deal with and looking after your spouse can be exhausting when they are poorly! I hope you have someone to look after you too.

 

[ElenaP]

Ever since my husband has been told he has type 2 diabetes he has stopped eating his regular meals. He misses his evening meal saying he just doesn't want anything to eat. He has had his bladder and prostate out because of bladder cancer. He has a urine bag on the outside of his body from both kidneys. He has chronic kidney disease. This has all happened in the past year and he is 83 years old. Getting told about the diabetes seams to have shoved him over the edge. It doesn't matter what i say he wont listen. It seems our 52 relationship means nothing to him. He goes to see the nurse in 3 week time so go knows what she will say to him. I just hope he will listen to her. It's such a long time to go from lunch time to breakfast the next day. I dont know what to do i am at my wits end. Thankyou for reading my post. from Sylvia

I am wondering if your husband has lost his sense of smell and, therefore, he is unable to taste food. That happened to my husband (with MS). One suggestion that I have is to serve him tiny portions of food, with lots of encouragement. If he is on medication, as part of cancer treatment, that could affect his appetite and taste buds.

I cannot even imagine how difficult his life is after having had his bladder removed. My husband had urine draining to a leg bag, but that was from his bladder via a catheter, so relative simple plumbing. The mechanism of urine draining direct from kidneys to a leg-bag must be much more complicated to manage, as well as extremely uncomfortable.

I do feel for the two of you. Also, I would agree with other people who have suggested you going to your husband's medical appointments.