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Not a good couple of days.

lucylocket61 said:
Have Carers UK been any help to you? They are there for the one doing the caring, but also have knowledge and advice on when our lived ones need more support than we can give. Sending love.
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Yeah, not yet tho! One of them that "are looking into it!"

doesn't it just seem that because you have never claimed because you have worked all your life, paid a lot of taxes, that when you really need help, those who have collected all the cash are so reluctant to actually help you!
This country is so..............!
 
Have done! Nowt doing, I'm not (according to them) still fit enough not to need the benefit.
MrsA2 said:
Look into attendance allowance. It isnt means tested and can make a huge difference. Claim for the boss, just fill in the forms as she is in her worst days, no sugar coating now.
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Have been in touch with citizens advice to appeal.
With everything over the last (nearly two and a half years) I do need help but having sorted finances, it's not the money to spend on other things but for to pay for the help I need to do what I'm not able to do now, with my arthritis, I have a lot of wear and tear throughout my body.
Also going back to docs to see if they can help, that is, if there are docs at my surgery yet!

Thank you for the suggestion. I do appreciate the help you give.
 
If you are a carer and you also have care needs you can claim attendance allowance and it will not effect any carers allowance. If you don't mind me asking why were you turned down for attendance allowance? I think mind usually have someone working at the cab to help with benefits etc they are really good.
Mind helped my dad so much they were a god send as mentally I couldn't cope with all what was going off and still can't :banghead:
Really hope you get sorted x
 
Lainie71 said:
If you are a carer and you also have care needs you can claim attendance allowance and it will not effect any carers allowance. If you don't mind me asking why were you turned down for attendance allowance? I think mind usually have someone working at the cab to help with benefits etc they are really good.
Mind helped my dad so much they were a god send as mentally I couldn't cope with all what was going off and still can't :banghead:
Really hope you get sorted x
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Because I haven't been diagnosed with a disability.
it was Mind, CAB, Council. That helped me apply for attendance allowance.
I never even had a medical!

Perhaps, I'm not worthy! (Ha!)

Been like this all the time since wife's spinal injury.
Have court order against WAP, still couldn't get nowt until I retired, only because our ex GP, MP, and everyone else including those mentioned already did we get PIP.

it's a joke!


Thanks for your post.

Best wishes.
 
Lamont D said:
Because I haven't been diagnosed with a disability.
it was Mind, CAB, Council. That helped me apply for attendance allowance.
I never even had a medical!

Perhaps, I'm not worthy! (Ha!)

Been like this all the time since wife's spinal injury.
Have court order against WAP, still couldn't get nowt until I retired, only because our ex GP, MP, and everyone else including those mentioned already did we get PIP.

it's a joke!


Thanks for your post.

Best wishes.
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I am so sorry, everyone is worthy. I used to work for the government hierarchy years ago and I resigned. The hoops that people had to jump through then were bad enough and I couldn't cope with it. It would appear even more hoops and jobs worth are employed now!
 
I would get banned I put my honest opinions on our leader(s)put

suffice to say, there are no Tory mps in my metropolitan area.
And we didn't vote for brexit.
the population around here are well aware what they are about.
in my local council ward, the Tory candidate got no votes at all!
 
Claim attendance allowance for wife, as it sounds she needs the help.
I've just got it for 2 x 85 year olds who help each other, but neither has a named disability (other than age and frailty!)
 
Another update!

Have had another counselling session with my surgery's mental health practitioner.
Not good!
I have been referred to go back to full counselling again hopefully with Mind UK.
Until that happens, the surgery counsellor will help me with a session every week.

I still have anxiety issues, I still have anxiety issues with being a carer. I still don't have enough of a life. I'm not moving forward. I'm harming my mental health, I am in a fug. I just can't be happy. I have a raging battle in my brain and it's not good for me.
I have residual anger issues. I can only describe it as frustration with my life. My physical health is quite good as far as my RH and other conditions restrict me. My RH is in control but my arthritis is living in pain. Not serious pain but nagging at me. I can't do what I want, I'm not built that way, I need to work, doing something is one of the ways I relax, housework not for me, but I do it, my garden is in the bloom but not the heavy stuff no more. As I say so frustrating. Have shopping, mostly on line, now, can't carry bags!
I'm worried about the wife, her health will not improve and constantly in pain, on pain meds, sleeps too much, can't do much! What a pair!
Our income is not enough and I have to do it all, sort the bills, bank account whittling away, can't get any benefits, can't afford help! Got help from carers UK but limited. And of course, there are many others worse off and need more help than we do!
I feel trapped and not doing enough to change things, some days just can't! Some days lately don't want to get out of bed. Still got plenty of energy, but nowhere to use it. I have always walked, but I just don't want to most of the time. I'm not in a good place.
using my phone tomorrow to get in touch with some people that maybe can help me through this.
Last, I'm not happy, it is just not going to happen, I really thought that I had got to a place where my life looked a lot better. I was not being honest with myself. I was trying to put a brave face on it. I was delusional. I was putting too much on myself, as if I could do it all! It was too much, again! The realisation of this has lead me to post this.
I'm hurting, I hate it! And I'm scared! I don't know which way is going to win the battle raging in my head.
Sorry about the rant but I think I need to, it does help!
take care, keep safe.
 
It sounds like the counselling would help and definitely vent all you need.

I think the best way to approach mental health is with honesty. Pretending all is fine only lasts so long. Someone once told me we can’t change things we have little control over but we can work on how we react.

I wish I could offer advice but I just wanted to post to say, hang in there.
 
OMG! That is some pit of despair you've found there. I have similar issues myself being a recent widower and losing my ability to socialise like I used to. I used to play at the local Arts Centre in a duo playing acoustic blues, but my guitar buddy has cancer and is not in a good place anymore, so I have not played for over a year now.

All I can say is that your wife needs you to lean on too, and you should be able to get comfort from her in kind. I looked after my wife in her later years - she was 10 years younger than me and it should have been the other way round. But we must take what life throws at us and make what we can from it.

You help others on this forum, and I don't see many other RH survivors stepping in to help others with similar conditions, but it is a condition I have very limited experience in (in fact zero when I first joined here). Your shared experience is valuable. Do not despair. By all means have the occasional rant and rave, but like, drinking, keep it in moderation. The most dangerous words in the English Language are " If Only".
 
Being a carer sucks, it's something we are thrust into without any choice or consent.
Being in pain sucks, it too is something we are thrust into without any choice or consent.
Financial issues too suck, especially the joke that is carers allowance!
I am glad you ranted, its a tough situation you are in and I am glad you have the courage to reach out for help and to express it all.
Hugs from me too, and to suggest reaching out again to carers uk, there may be more support or info there.
 
I made four phone calls today without success!
one to Mind, they will wait for the referral and phone me back but good me I might have to wait for assessment, then counselling. So I will have to wait.
one to the local council for information from our application (over a year now) for a walk in shower. Got nowhere but we are on the list, if we do get recommended!
one to the Carers. Sorry, but, you know!So
one to house repairs for a broken latch to a window maybe in a fortnight!I

And to top it all off, my gas/ electricity bill has gone up, again!

And I watched PMs questions, where he lied blatantly to every question!

Is it any wonder, my mood is low?

Thanks to everyone who replied, you have as always been so supportive, and so friendly and I loved the bears!
I think after yesterday, and my wife's take on thing's, we actually had a bit of a giggle, just when you think things can't get any worse!
They do!

Tomorrow is a better day! (I hope!)

Stay safe.
 
Oldvatr said:
OMG! That is some pit of despair you've found there. I have similar issues myself being a recent widower and losing my ability to socialise like I used to. I used to play at the local Arts Centre in a duo playing acoustic blues, but my guitar buddy has cancer and is not in a good place anymore, so I have not played for over a year now.

All I can say is that your wife needs you to lean on too, and you should be able to get comfort from her in kind. I looked after my wife in her later years - she was 10 years younger than me and it should have been the other way round. But we must take what life throws at us and make what we can from it.

You help others on this forum, and I don't see many other RH survivors stepping in to help others with similar conditions, but it is a condition I have very limited experience in (in fact zero when I first joined here). Your shared experience is valuable. Do not despair. By all means have the occasional rant and rave, but like, drinking, keep it in moderation. The most dangerous words in the English Language are " If Only".
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My wife is younger than me and that we have learned over time penalises our circumstances.
And it is very difficult to get through the mire of the rules surrounding all taxes, benefits or anything.

It is so discriminating!
 
@Lamont D , I keep trying to think of something that might help, but I'm not coming up with anything. Lived with depression all my life, and nothing useful to show for it, apparently. How perfectly useless. Just keep in mind, people aren't usually happy. Content, yeah.... That's a goal. But happiness is fleeting, it's not a continuous state of being. For me, I just try to enjoy little things... Walking a bit during the sunrise or something, when it's quiet out. Just lasts a few minutes, but it's better than nothing. Spending time with animals. I dunno. When joy is out of reach, aim for comfort. And that means being comforted and being comfortable, whatever comes first. Get whatever you can, whenever you can. You deserve it.

Be gentle with yourself, eh.
Hugs,
Jo
 
Lamont D said:
My wife is younger than me and that we have learned over time penalises our circumstances.
And it is very difficult to get through the mire of the rules surrounding all taxes, benefits or anything.

It is so discriminating!
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I am so sorry that you are feeling so mentally tired with it all. Would a social worker help, I am not a fan of them (previous dealings that triggered my ptsd) however, they may be able to push forward with the problems you have regarding benefits and home repairs etc. Persevere you will conquer it. Its good to rant, I have bashed pans at the bottom of the garden in frustration - that's a good thing too!
 
JoKalsbeek said:
@Lamont D , I keep trying to think of something that might help, but I'm not coming up with anything. Lived with depression all my life, and nothing useful to show for it, apparently. How perfectly useless. Just keep in mind, people aren't usually happy. Content, yeah.... That's a goal. But happiness is fleeting, it's not a continuous state of being. For me, I just try to enjoy little things... Walking a bit during the sunrise or something, when it's quiet out. Just lasts a few minutes, but it's better than nothing. Spending time with animals. I dunno. When joy is out of reach, aim for comfort. And that means being comforted and being comfortable, whatever comes first. Get whatever you can, whenever you can. You deserve it.

Be gentle with yourself, eh.
Hugs,
Jo
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thanks @JoKalsbeek, it is great to hear from you.
What I'm trying to get at is, that it is getting to me feeling low all the time. It just seems that nothing that gets my mojo going. I know I have lost it. My being a carer, is demanding and even though I know I'm helping, I am learning every day to help her more, but it is not me. I have only cared for children, my own, and with sport in training youngsters, in work, in a factory, team work. Nothing like adult elderly care, I am not domesticated. My last job was in professional sport, were my tasks were mainly logistics.

My target in life for my pensioner age has never been too high. I just wanted for us to be content and comfortable, I knew that my works pension was decent when I retired first time. Due to everything that effects it, it is not as good as it should be and what I paid for. I have married man status pension but because my wife is not of pension age, we cannot get the full pension rights of married pensioners, and cannot claim for so many benefits, even though my wife is disabled.
It just seems that fifty years of taxes, national insurance, pension payments have not been worth it!
And if I knew this then, I wouldn't have paid for a pension!

I am truly not asking for much, but I'm sick and tired of asking for a bit of help, but I just keep getting knocked back, just no good news, and nowt to get excited by!

I'm in a rut, and trying to get more counselling, I know I need it, and I need to find something that will get my mojo back, I have searched but nothing can replaced what was taken away from me nearly three years ago now!

Before it all happened, I would be watching sport on stream as much as possible, my interest in many sports were diverse. I am literally just bored with it all. As a coach, tactics etc, would be a big part of my interest, I just can't focus on it. Cannot even enjoy it now, I never missed a home game for my home town club in a very, very long time, the season has just finished and I missed most of the season. Gone!

Thanks again Jo, do really appreciate your post!
Stay safe.
 
Lainie71 said:
I am so sorry that you are feeling so mentally tired with it all. Would a social worker help, I am not a fan of them (previous dealings that triggered my ptsd) however, they may be able to push forward with the problems you have regarding benefits and home repairs etc. Persevere you will conquer it. Its good to rant, I have bashed pans at the bottom of the garden in frustration - that's a good thing too!
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I am in constant contact with many organisations mainly to do with my wife's disability.
When trying to claim benefits for my wife, we went to court, through citizens advice, we won, but still couldn't claim. She has a court order never to be assessed again by the social services benefits of whatever government department is trying to get out of us claiming.
Only since I reached pension age, we claimed again and she managed to get PIP. Ten years since our first claim.
But even that doesn't cover our housing costs! And it wasn't backdated, which was at least eight months after I received my old age pension.
She is on the at risk list during covid. We got the letters from the government. And because of medication, she feels the cold, even when it's warm. The new payments for energy covers those on benefits, rightly so, but even though we get PIP, we will not get it. I've asked! Like many with disability, this government just don't care!

Another rant!
Sorry!

@Lainie71 thank you for your interest and post. I have sorted the repair. Still can't get through with others though. It seems everyone is struggling at this time. Those that are in charge are not concerned with our circumstances or how to get by!
 
I am so sorry. About all of it. Not being heard, not getting support you should've been given, both of you... And I have nothing to offer.

You know, my mom ended up in hospital in February, and due to oxygen deprivation her mind went all funny. Which didn't help with the caring, because it made her paranoid and whatnot. I spent little over a month wiping her b*tt, she went from completely independent to almost infantile in her need for care almost overnight. I was grateful to be able to finally help her for a change, but.... My body couldn't handle the stress of it all. I couldn't heft her 100+ kilo's which I tried anyway, I couldn't do much of anything, really. Then my irritated root canal turned into three infected root canals, a jaw infection, more kidneystones, a ruined hip joint, inflamed knees, overtaxed shoulder, rheumatism and it seems, gout popping up. I sat by mom's bedside stoned out of my mind with oxycodone and tramadol, but there was no other way for me to get through the car ride back and forth from Baarn to Tilburg and back, and she couldn't know how much I was hurting. I could walk without crutches during her funeral, and hauled the cart she was on from the funeral home to the crematorium, followed by family members, only because those same painkillers were keeping me upright. One month and a week of caring. That was it. And I'm still trying to put myself back together, which I'm doing a less than stellar job of. Not just physically. When I walked (limped) the 5k for Darkness into Light (suicide awareness), I did it as much for myself as I did in memory of those who decided to end it, because it's always a mere thought away.

You mention years. Years of lack of support, of not getting the help you should be getting. You've gotten farther than I would've managed, and while that makes you exceptionally strong, I so wish you didn't have to be. That you'd be seen and heard and getting the assistance you have needed all along. I don't know what charities and organisations there are, but sounds like you've already tried the bulk of them. I think the next stage might be letters to the editor, if the government won't listen... Someone, somewhere might be able to help. There's no way that you're alone in your predicament in the current care-climate, maybe something'll start snowballing. I can hope, anyway. But do keep talking, do keep going to whatever counseling you can get, call helplines, whatever. Keep talking. Never ever be silenced. Because that anger and frustration is more than justified, and if you let it out, it might actually be useful rather than eating you up inside.

Exhaustion also drains joy from life, not just depression... You've so much to contend with. If you can carve out a moment for yourself, please do.

I wish I could help. But I see you. I see what you're going through. You're not as invisible as certain people may make you feel right now.
Hugs,
Jo
 
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