Not Caring Anymore

[Sherry124]

Hello, I would like to share how when my blood sugars are stable in the range of 80-125 I feel great I feel that I could fly and I’m the happiest person, and I’m genuinely just having a great time! My A1C has always been around 5-5.5 which is great. I was first diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was in 6th grade when I was about 12 years old, at the time before I was in a some type of depression that the diagnosis of diabetes had took me out of it, had sort of woken me up, so I never complain about needles and everything. Everything was going great until the summer of 2017 (I was 17 at the time) when I had went on a trip for 1.5months where I had did something my family members didn’t like, especially my parents, so after I had come back from the trip I realized that I had made a mistake and just zoned out my brain from any thinking because I couldn’t afford to do anything stupid. For a whole year I worked as a pleaser, mind you this was my senior year of high school, the 12th grade. Now that I was 18) I didn’t want anyone else to be disappointed with me, what my friends said or my “friends”(not all but most) started taking advantage of all of that since they would be upset I thought it was my responsibility to pacify them. This also goes hand and hand with my family because I did the same thing. The thing I lost though was myself. I stopped being happy I was just genuinely not happy, I would smile, I would laugh, but nothing was genuine. After a friend broke apart from me because they wanted me to stop being friends with someone I knew from a very long time, someone I’m close to, when I refused they told me, “I don’t want a friend that does not respect my decision,” this made 0 sense because that person did not respect my decision of no either. While this drama was going on (I do not enjoy drama, I hate it a lot because I think it’s stupid and a waste of time) I was getting closer to who she didn’t want to and ignoring the people I loved. Now that I have realized in the summer of 2018...I must live life like I did before 2017, but obviously I’ve learned so many new things, new ways to approach things and others. Bringing my confidence back, I used to do what I wanted when I wanted, I didn’t care what other ppl did or thought. Imma bring that in with the new things I learned. I learned how to put my morals and principles up first, j like I did last year. I wanna achieve my goals and I wanna zone out the haters. Talking about the stepping all over me...that didn’t happen till 2017...I learned to forgive and zone out grudges! I have also leaned that I need to focus on the bigger picture.


Since that time my A1C has gone to 6.8-7.3 which is very high, at least for me. I kinda just stopped caring for myself I don’t know why but I just feel very lazy to do so. I know it matters because I would die young if I didn’t start caring for myself again, but I don’t know how to, I don’t know why.

 

[ickihun]

Hello, I would like to share how when my blood sugars are stable in the range of 80-125 I feel great I feel that I could fly and I’m the happiest person, and I’m genuinely just having a great time! My A1C has always been around 5-5.5 which is great. I was first diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was in 6th grade when I was about 12 years old, at the time before I was in a some type of depression that the diagnosis of diabetes had took me out of it, had sort of woken me up, so I never complain about needles and everything. Everything was going great until the summer of 2017 (I was 17 at the time) when I had went on a trip for 1.5months where I had did something my family members didn’t like, especially my parents, so after I had come back from the trip I realized that I had made a mistake and just zoned out my brain from any thinking because I couldn’t afford to do anything stupid. For a whole year I worked as a pleaser, mind you this was my senior year of high school, the 12th grade. Now that I was 18) I didn’t want anyone else to be disappointed with me, what my friends said or my “friends”(not all but most) started taking advantage of all of that since they would be upset I thought it was my responsibility to pacify them. This also goes hand and hand with my family because I did the same thing. The thing I lost though was myself. I stopped being happy I was just genuinely not happy, I would smile, I would laugh, but nothing was genuine. After a friend broke apart from me because they wanted me to stop being friends with someone I knew from a very long time, someone I’m close to, when I refused they told me, “I don’t want a friend that does not respect my decision,” this made 0 sense because that person did not respect my decision of no either. While this drama was going on (I do not enjoy drama, I hate it a lot because I think it’s stupid and a waste of time) I was getting closer to who she didn’t want to and ignoring the people I loved. Now that I have realized in the summer of 2018...I must live life like I did before 2017, but obviously I’ve learned so many new things, new ways to approach things and others. Bringing my confidence back, I used to do what I wanted when I wanted, I didn’t care what other ppl did or thought. Imma bring that in with the new things I learned. I learned how to put my morals and principles up first, j like I did last year. I wanna achieve my goals and I wanna zone out the haters. Talking about the stepping all over me...that didn’t happen till 2017...I learned to forgive and zone out grudges! I have also leaned that I need to focus on the bigger picture.


Since that time my A1C has gone to 6.8-7.3 which is very high, at least for me. I kinda just stopped caring for myself I don’t know why but I just feel very lazy to do so. I know it matters because I would die young if I didn’t start caring for myself again, but I don’t know how to, I don’t know why.

When sugars are not compatable for our energy need then it leaves us lethargic and too low a bg can make me very low I mood. I laugh less. You?

 

[Sherry124]

Yeah, same

 

[Sherry124]

I know I should fix it, but the fact I’m lazy is terrible

 

[Juicyj]

Hi @Sherry124 Welcome to the forum

I know it's hard but being kind to yourself is the first step in making this easier to deal with, I am reading an interesting book at the moment called 'The reality slap' it discusses handling life's challenges and how to cope better and being kind to yourself is a message I hear over and over again but this book talks about treating your emotions as if you were a young version of yourself, you wouldn't hurt or be unkind to your younger self so taking this approach will help you develop better skills at handling negativity. Exercise and meditation are 2 other methods of taking better care of yourself, take one day at a time and also try and talk to those around you, telling people what's going on will also help.

 

[Sherry124]

Yeah, I like that, taking one day at a time, thankyou!

 

[lucylocket61]

I know I should fix it, but the fact I’m lazy is terrible

I dont think you are lazy. I think that is the wrong label, perhaps something others have called you? I think you are ill from the blood sugar levels, depressed, in turmoil, exhausted and had a lot to deal with, and have become overwhelmed.

be kind to yourself and about yourself. It doesnt read as laziness to me at all. There are many T1's on here who understand better than me, and will help and support you.

 

[kitedoc]

Hi @Sherry124,
Being human is complicated. I wonder whether the motivation that made you so good at keeping your diabetes under control from ages 12 to 17 was in fact that this pleased your family. It gave you motivation and rewards.
Whatever happened at age 17 meant withdrawal of rewards and your realisation that pleasing others had its drawbacks. And you are left with a vacuum. What is there to motivate me?
Yes, you put up admirable aims to place morals and principles as priorities but achieving those means having to pat yourself on the back - a foreign concept. You are not used to pleasing your self., maybe ?
Gloom and doom ? No way !! Learn to accept genuine compliments from others and not feel you have to earn them. Give compliments to others in the same vein, that is part of morals and principles. And buy a book or two: The Book of Hugs. I think there is book 1 and 2, author surname: Keating).
Develop self humour - a way to not take yourself too seriously e.g. well I will not win the Olympic javelin throw with that injection but at least it is in the right ballpark, (heaps better than critizing yourself for a less than perfect injection).(that reminds me that in my 51 years on injecting insulin I only hit gold, er blood, three times, how do you put that into a batting average ?)
Talk with someone about who you feel: you would not be the only person who has feel down, disappointed and searching for some meaning in your life, I have been there, others have too, and diabetes is an extra burden or drag. Muggins like me have got depressed and talking it out has been the only way to get through it. Friends, true friends, counsellors if need be, can all help., IF YOU LET THEM.
Find interests : activities that ideally provide some exercise; are challenging without being over-demanding; do not cost the Earth financially or, ideally, environmentally and are compatible with having diabetes (climbing Everest is unrealistic, crazy and selfish on the lives of others - just my view); that provide a social component; and activities that you can grow with you. Examples: a camera club that does nature tours; gardening; learning a musical instrument or a language etc. Such are good for growing self-esteem. And if one activity does not provide enough healthy exercise try to build exercise into your daily life e.g. work to the mall, shop, carry your shopping home, choose different routes to and fro, wear some ankle and wrists weights as well. Click pictures of interesting colours in plants etc as you go etc etc.
Accepting you as yourself and appreciating where you have come from and through: one of the toughest times of my life was going through adolescence with diabetes, from diagnosis at age 13 to, say 17. Admittedly there were no glucose meters, fancy insulins, pumps etc back then. But it was the ups and downs as I would start a growth spurt, insulin doses would go up x 2 total per day, after some weeks, hypos as the spurt petered out and having to reduce down the insulin doses. It reminds me of Wagner's "Flight of the Valkeyrie" (also the theme music to 'Apocalypse Now" movie). You have canoed, waded, motored, flown through that time with great HBA1Cs !! That is awesome. That is your victory, not your family's, not the next door neighbours etc. If you managed that you are a real winner. But only if you allow yourself to be happy with that achievement.
Celebrate your victories and learn from when things go wrong or not as well as you had hoped: one victory is in the above paragraph. And as well as celebrating it, why not use it maybe to attend or volunteer on a diabetes camp. In helping others you help yourself. Join a diabetes support group with your peers.And use self humour to help learning from mistakes. You have taken the important step of posting by on this site. Learn from other's mistakes. It reminds me of a cartoon: where a character is being interviewed for job in a training agency. He says " I believe you learn from your mistakes. And I make enough mistakes to train everybody here"!
I have rambled, pontificated long enough. Grasp the nettle of adulthood, but wear gloves, risk a mistake, take a chance, talk to yourself (better not to answer back though), stick with your principles, the most important of which is love yourself.
Best Wishes, keep posting, and push the canoe out from the bank.

 

[Sherry124]

I dont think you are lazy. I think that is the wrong label, perhaps something others have called you? I think you are ill from the blood sugar levels, depressed, in turmoil, exhausted and had a lot to deal with, and have become overwhelmed.

be kind to yourself and about yourself. It doesnt read as laziness to me at all. There are many T1's on here who understand better than me, and will help and support you.

 

[Sherry124]

Thanks I thought that too, I think I’m just tired of the fact I was taking care of too much, that I dropped one problem, that was me

 

[kitedoc]

There was new acolyte to an order of some sect.
Each morning he would ask his master how he could better learn new things.
Each time his master would ask him to pour a cup of tea. He was to keep pouring until the master nodded for him to stop.
And on each occasion the cup would overflow before the master nodded for him to stop.
After 8 days of this the acolyte was distraught and begged his master for an answer." How can I learn new things"?
The master requested he again pour him some tea. Again the cup was overflowing before the acolyte was signalled to cease.
The master said: In order to learn something new you need to let some things go, so that there is room for the new.
I hope that helps. And no, I cannot adopt the lotus position but I like Roobios tea !!
Bestest Wishes!

 

[kitedoc]

Happiness is like a butterfly.
When you seek to capture it, it eludes you.
When you go about your work and ignore it,
It comes and lands on your shoulder.
( no insect spray allowed !!)

 

[Prem51]

I learned to forgive and zone out grudges! I have also leaned that I need to focus on the bigger picture.

Since that time my A1C has gone to 6.8-7.3 which is very high, at least for me. I kinda just stopped caring for myself I don’t know why but I just feel very lazy to do so. I know it matters because I would die young if I didn’t start caring for myself again, but I don’t know how to, I don’t know why.

Hi @Sherry124 and welcome to the forum. It's difficult enough to be a young person learning to deal with personal relationships without also having to deal with diabetes too. It's good that you have been able to forgive and get over grudges.
I can't comment on your HbA1c figures as I am Type 2, so I don't know if yours are high for a Type 1, but I expect other T1s can give you more guidance on that.

It does help to talk to others about how you are feeling. You will get support from people on this forum. Take care of yourself.

 

[leahkian]

Sherry 124 sometimes we need to put ourselves first, i think from your early teens to mid twenties are a more complicated time in life diabetic or not. You will find and see things different to what you did, as we get to 18 you seem to get more stress in life which can cause higher BG and from personal experience sometimes you need help with mental heath. It maybe you just need to talk to someone to tell them how you feel and i was like you putting a act on so know one would know how i was feeling. It is hard when you are feeling this way you have lack of interest in things that you enjoyed before and you just want to give up, you have done the had part and come on her. To find yourself you have to look what you have overcome and then try and change thing a bit at a time, do not to far in to the future as it is best to take everyday as it comes. There will be good and bad days but with help and looking at a more positive you then you can go forward and enjoy every little victory.