Update on my brain issues.

I had an interesting conversation with my GP this morning.
I am to go to the surgery to get tests done, because the doctor doesn't think that I am improving enough, and has increased my dosage again.
The problem I'm encountering is that, you could say, my nerves are shattered, my hands won't stop shaking, I am having trembling all over, I am feeling cold, I am struggling with any food and my memory, I just actually couldn't remember what I was posting about.
My short term memory is dreadful, it's not just slips but I can't think straight and concentration is all over the place. I can't remember for minutes rather than seconds, and it is affecting my life.
The worst was yesterday, when the wife shouted for her usual cuppa when she woke up. So I went into the kitchen and................
..........washed yesterday's clothes! No tea, obviously the wife wasn't impressed.

The thing is, I used to work, and I had instant recall to a huge amount of items that were required to fulfil my duties. I have now started to write things down to remember what we want from shopping and for the first time, I forgot a birthday. Nothing major, but still, that is not me!

It's all very frustrating!

Didn't even ask about my RH!

lucylocket61 said:

Is it the meds? Have you got a referral to neurology? Is your cholesterol too low?

The shattered nerves could be a symptom.

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I do think it is the meds, but I'm not really sure, and the tests are the first steps in the reason for my memory loss, I've done it twice this morning, I wanted to help with the medication for my wife, like I normally do daily, so I ended up going the toilet. It is funny but so frustrating. Also I overcooked some toast for the father in law, when I say overcooked I mean incinerated. Just didn't remember to finish what I started.

My cholesterol was fine a few months ago, but I am having a blood panel to see if there is something that's not right in my blood.

I do believe that I have during my breakdown, done some damage to my cognitive thought process. What it is, I have no idea.
I think by the end, a brain scan would be optimal.

Stay safe and thanks for your posts.

KK123 said:

Hi @Lamont D, I can't add anything that will be remotely useful to you but I wanted to say we are all thinking of you, I can't imagine what you are going through and it must be very stressful both to you and your wife (she needs her tea after all!!!!). Seriously, I do hope your GP/Consultant gets to the bottom of it and again for what it's worth, the VERY best of luck to you. x

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Thanks so much.

MrsA2 said:

might be worth getting thyroid checked too

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I have mentioned this, and I hope this will be included in the blood test.

Stay safe

lucylocket61 said:

Ignore if this is not useful, but for a while, under a lot of stress, I lost my mental 'blackboard' short term memory. It eventually came back. The harder I tried to remember jobs etc, the worse it got. My brain, like any other muscle, was strained and over stretched, and needed recovery time, and time to not think.

There is an excellent practical helpful small book called 'self help for your nerves' by Dr Claire Weeks. It's old, but very good at explaining how to rebuild after, and during, a breakdown. I found the book to be a great help.

It's short points, short chapters and easy to read style was just what I needed. I still keep my copy to hand for help when I am struggling.

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I cannot forget your kindness, so I will do as I'm told and look at the book on Amazon.
It's typically me, when I was such an avid reader, and I can't remember when I haven't read at least 2 or more books a week for about three months now.
Just another change in my character.
Useless, hopeless and now brainless (ha)

Thanks, keep safe

The wife has had her covid jab appointment confirmed, tomorrow morning.
Good news at last.

Update.
Have had my vaccination, so has the wife.
My meds have been upped again and I do feel better in myself, I have more confidence in going out.
I have set myself various targets, as my energy levels are quite good.
But my counsellor and doctor are still concerned about how my brain is working and the new tics and shaking I'm doing.
My short term memory is awful. I get up to do something and by the time I get to where I'm heading, I can't remember, it's gone, sometimes no idea till much later.
I do think that something is stopping the neurons getting through. I think that I have damaged a part of my conscious mind.
I'm well in control of my blood levels, and I am behaving myself, I walked past a strawberry cheesecake today and wasn't tempted, honest! (Yeah!)
There was something else but I can't remember.
Is it forgot to remember? Or remember to remember to forget something?

So we'll see what the doctor says.

Resurgam said:

I had something like that when put on the Metformin and Atorvastatin tablets.
It was a bad, sad time in my life, but it did pass and things have got better - for me it was just a matter of stopping the tablets, but I had to relearn all the songs. Fortunately my daughter had asked me to write down the songs I sing, but when I relearned them I learned them slightly differently to the way I had sung them before, so now I have two versions - I also read books and found I did not remember reading them, and then recently the memory of reading them returned, so I remember reading them for the first tine twice.
Brains and minds can do strange things, and recover from them - which surprised me.
I am surprised at the cheese cake though - but perhaps it was not a low carb one?
You can make low carb cheesecake - I might try it - I had a strong aversion to it as I worked on the development of it at Allied Lyons - nothing like tasting 16 versions of cheesecake at regular intervals to put you off for life, but a base made using almonds rather than biscuit, which is then baked is a good start.

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There was no way I would have eaten the cheesecake, it was only because it looked absolutely fabulous.

Update.
Was at the surgery this morning for two hours having numerous tests and talking about my memory loss and the shaking and tremors I'm experiencing. The new tics and mannerisms, changes in how I occupy my day. And the total frustration of having to go out to the doctors. And bother the doctors.
So I had full panel including a request if there is something that has changed my blood related to my brain. I had various memory tests. I just about passed, but I am on the cusp of, if I had another wrong answer, I would not.
All the normal health check tests were good.
After discussing and the doctor talking to me, because of the tics and other changes and my hesitation to get words out during conversation. I am getting referred to a neurologist, when ever that may be!
I am having feelings of deja vu. I think I've been through this before.
So, wether it's the tablets, or as the doctors say a natural progression to shake, or there is something that is going on upstairs, that is causing this.
We shall see.
Again, thanks for the good will I'm getting off everyone.

Keep safe.

Update,
What a weekend!
After getting over my birthday and the kids and grandkids spoiling me, I have seen them in the flesh or face time, the negative thoughts went away and getting a kiss and I love you off my youngest granddaughter, I was nearly in tears but tears of happiness, well as happy as I have been for quite some time.
Friday through Saturday, these two days, it was the best I have felt since before covid.
I have even had a couple of hours, when I felt as normal as I once did, it was nearly elation.
I am still getting the shaking and tremors and getting the fear of going shopping and crowds. But up until Sunday, I was improving and trying to see the light ahead.

Sunday, I awoke with the sun, and my head was in a state of conflict between knowing what today was and the acceptance of not being able to be there.
What I'm talking about is my football club, playing in a final at Wembley.
I was nervous and fidgety from the moment I got out of bed, and that wasn't easy to do, I had a headache and the butterflies in my stomach were causing nausea, I just wanted to go there, I maybe thought I could get there if I wanted to, I was irrational and not thinking straight, by the time I had had my first cuppa, I was getting distressed, I was antsy and about to just go and walk anywhere.
It was a good job that the doors were locked.
I settled down a bit, and started to do some chores done.
But it was so tiring and I just wanted to sit down and get my brain sorted. I had good energy levels but my brain was so tired. Any decision I had to make was frustrating and not easy to decide, if I didn't know about the match, I would have doubted that it was on, my mental state was so similar to a panic attack. I was insistent and fixated on how could I not be there, my head couldn't work out that it wasn't up to me to be with the team on this big occasion.
I really felt confused and upset, why didn't they need me no more?
I thought I had got through this phase of denial and accept what has happened and the need to get on with my life.
I couldn't watch but I couldn't miss it either, I watched it but was trying to not be bothered about the game, but I was and that battle going on inside my head continued until about an hour after, the indecision, the usual expectations and my excitement about my club was if honest was not there. I have discovered that watching football and the passion I had for actually being a part of the club I have supported for ever, was diminishing, so why was I so upset about the match?
Apprehension, fear, anxiety, being denied, vulnerability, or just part of the process of getting my life, my head around getting to what would be as close to myself or me as I could?
I have now proposed that something that I do now, that I didn't do pre covid as ' not me!' So my behaviour, my demeanour, my actions, my thoughts, my mannerisms and my rationality has changed.
The old me was caring and sharing, a man who was responsible for so much and really busy working and home life.
The new me is none of these, my life is on hold and I am just living every day in a neutral fuge. I am not living, I feel as if I am just existing, day after day, up one day up, one day down, and my memory won't let me, dictate the way forward as my meds don't let me think about the future, or the present enough to move forward.

I have taken a huge hit of pride, I am ashamed of feeling this way and how my brain can't sort out what I have to do about getting me back.
Regardless of the support I have received, I don't believe that I have made progress, maybe a touch of self delusion, it is just too much, and it's bleeping frustrating and annoying and so much making me doubt I can do anything about it!

It's took me a couple of hours to write, check and finally send it. Should I, shouldn't I, ok, not okay. Does it make sense, does it describe what is actually happening.
I don't know.
Apologies for the long post, and thanks for reading.

Update.
I have had my last counselling session and I'm a bit sad about it.
My counsellor brought me out of my rut and he triggered some thing that stuck me hard enough, it wasn't brutal but honest, a truth that I have used before when training work colleagues to understand what is required and also what I have used in coaching sports to help them be more positive when they are playing.
The message was: History is in the past, you can't change it, you are living in the past.
Only you can fix it, no one else, they can only help. You have to live in the present and look to the future.
I realised afterwards that, I knew that would have a huge effect on my thinking patterns, that I couldn't go back and be wallowing in memories.
It's still baby steps, the better half has warned me that she will start nagging me, if I don't start using my time better, there is lots to do. Up until a couple of weeks ago my attitude to doing the basic house chores, shopping and get my head around it all.

I have also had my first appointment with my neurologist. This was done by video, I was a shaking wreck, my anxiety levels went up, and my phone, I just couldn't keep it still, he did say I had a mild case of trembling related to my anxiety. However he did say that he wants to have a face to face appointment with me. So he can be more thorough and do tests.
My physical health is great and my brain is catching up.

It was my grandchildren birthday today and have had a good day.

Keep safe.

Thanks for reading.