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Dealing with a diabetic boyfriend who's in denial

L

lofr9605

Member
Messages
9
Type of diabetes
Don't have diabetes
Hello,

First I'd like to thank anyone who's reading this. I do appreciate your time.
Me (19) and my type 1 diabetic boyfriend (19) have been currently dating for a little over a year. I love him tremendously and our relationship is good. However, of recent, things have been difficult. My boyfriend, R, was diagnosed around 3-4 years ago. Whilst I wasn't with him at this stage, I have an understanding of the impact it took on him. His mental health dropped, instigated depression and became angry about his luck in life. Understandable. He got help from the mental health team but as soon as he showed signs of improvement they stopped giving support and he dropped again.

3/4 years on and I'm standing here pleading with him to think about potentially getting some help again. To him, his diabetes doesn't exist, and therefore he will live his life however he wants. He won't let it "win". His diet is poor, and he struggles with textures of food. Continuously underweight. He doesn't eat any fruit or vegetables (ever). He enjoys sport and is good at it. But ultimately due to his poor diet his hypos are a frequent occurrence. Sometimes up to 5/6 a day. He doesn't want help and can't see a way forward, he looks after others so well but he can't look after himself. Often he'll phone me, unable to complete a fluid sentence or pronounce words. Even to the point where he doesn't know where he is.

He spends days in bed. Sleeps and sleeps for as long as he can. Unable to get up. Yet when he's required to work long shifts to look after others, he will be up with the larks.

His parents have tried for years to help him, taken him to dieticians, doctors, counsellors, you name it, its been done. But yesterday hit rock bottom. How can I stand back and watch him slowly fade away, engulfed by something thats not going to change. He doesn't enjoy eating, and his stats are all over the place. He rarely tests.

Please, if you have any ideas, i'd love to hear them. If you've been in a similar situation or currently are, i'd love to hear your story and how you're doing. I feel so alone in all this.

Thankyou again for reading, it means so so much.

L x
 
Hi,

You make your own "luck" in this life.
You sound like a great person. However your bloke has got to see what he has & build from that.. Starting with the D.

Wishing you the best of luck..
 
@lofr9605 - Hello and Welcome to the Forum :). I will tag @daisy1 who will provide you with some basic information that all new members receive. Have a read around the threads and ask any questions you may have.:)
 
@lofr9605 He sounds really down. Could you suggest he joins a forum like this one? That way he'd realise he isn't alone.

The sad thing is that if he ignores his diabetes he is letting it win.

Has he ever talked to you about why he acts like he does? Is it the hard work? Feeling different?
 
azure said:
@lofr9605 He sounds really down. Could you suggest he joins a forum like this one? That way he'd realise he isn't alone.

The sad thing is that if he ignores his diabetes he is letting it win.

Has he ever talked to you about why he acts like he does? Is it the hard work? Feeling different?
Click to expand...

Hey, thanks for getting intouch.
I'd love for him to talk to people but unfortunately since it doesn't exist in his eyes, he won't do so. But I will suggest it.

That's exactly my point, "winning" in a diabetetix instance and to shove it in its face and go "so I've got this and I'm going to be awesome and you're not going to stop me" and taking control of his own health.

I think he acts like this as a form of control because he wants to be seen as "normal". I got him to talk to me openly yesterday but he's so wrapped up in hurt that he isn't "normal" that he doesn't want to pay any attention to it. "It doesn't define me, I am not diabetic type 1... I'm R" is usually his answer.
 
lofr9605 said:
I think he acts like this as a form of control because he wants to be seen as "normal".
Click to expand...


Type 1 diabetes doesn't stop you from being normal, you just have to learn to accept it and manage it without it effecting your life too much.

I would encourage him to see a mental health team again if it worked the first time around, first port of call would be mentioning his depression to his gp or diabetes care team.
 
Diabetes most definitely doesn't define me either. I think he's definitely in denial.

Someone here once said 'You can ignore your diabetes, but it won't ignore you...'

The first thing I suggest is checking he has the tools he needs to control his diabetes because if he doesn't and is getting bad resukts then that will just discourage him.

So - does he know how to count carbs and adjust his insulin to the amount of carbs he's about to eat?
Does he understand what his blood sugar shoukd be and why?
Does he have good sources of information eg books, a helpful DSN?

If you're certain he has the tools, then stress how much you care about him. You can be kind and let him talk so you can sympathise and give him emotional support. Ask him how he'd feel if you had a medical condition that you were ignoring and was making you ill. Tell him he's still exactly the same person as before.
 
noblehead said:
Type 1 diabetes doesn't stop you from being normal, you just have to learn to accept it and manage it without it effecting your life too much.

I would encourage him to see a mental health team again if it worked the first time around, first port of call would be mentioning his depression to his gp or diabetes care team.
Click to expand...
I understand that I just wish I could communicate that to him. I'd love him to go to the doctors, I'd love to get him help but he doesn't want it. He quote "isn't ready". It doesn't exist so why does he need help?

Infuriating I know...
 
azure said:
Diabetes most definitely doesn't define me either. I think he's definitely in denial.

Someone here once said 'You can ignore your diabetes, but it won't ignore you...'

The first thing I suggest is checking he has the tools he needs to control his diabetes because if he doesn't and is getting bad resukts then that will just discourage him.

So - does he know how to count carbs and adjust his insulin to the amount of carbs he's about to eat?
Does he understand what his blood sugar shoukd be and why?
Does he have good sources of information eg books, a helpful DSN?

If you're certain he has the tools, then stress how much you care about him. You can be kind and let him talk so you can sympathise and give him emotional support. Ask him how he'd feel if you had a medical condition that you were ignoring and was making you ill. Tell him he's still exactly the same person as before.
Click to expand...
Yeah he's good at counting carbs, most of the time. He can be careless, but which diabetic is perfect? He has a lot of information and understands where his BS should be.

But being sympathetic means he doesn't take me seriously. For instance, the number of times he's forgotten his pen. We'll travel 4/5 hours away from home and he won't have it because he's not checked because he likes to pretend it doesn't exist. That resulted in 4 hours in a and e and I couldn't help but be very angry. And that's not the first times it's happened like that.
 
lofr9605 said:
I understand that I just wish I could communicate that to him. I'd love him to go to the doctors, I'd love to get him help but he doesn't want it. He quote "isn't ready". It doesn't exist so why does he need help?

Infuriating I know...
Click to expand...

I do feel for you and his family. hope it all works out.
 
lofr9605 said:
Yeah he's good at counting carbs, most of the time. He can be careless, but which diabetic is perfect? He has a lot of information and understands where his BS should be.

But being sympathetic means he doesn't take me seriously. For instance, the number of times he's forgotten his pen. We'll travel 4/5 hours away from home and he won't have it because he's not checked because he likes to pretend it doesn't exist. That resulted in 4 hours in a and e and I couldn't help but be very angry. And that's not the first times it's happened like that.
Click to expand...

Hmm, difficult. You obviously know him best, but if sympathy doesn't work then perhaps you need to be a little firmer? Only you can judge. An option is telling him you care about him and the diabetes doesn't affect that in any way BUT his refusal to take it seriously is getting to you, and that refusal is starting to define him.

Obvioulsy, I'm not suggesting you split up with him, but sometimes people can be more motivated with a firm word than a kind one.
 
lofr9605 said:
Hey, thanks for getting intouch.
I'd love for him to talk to people but unfortunately since it doesn't exist in his eyes, he won't do so. But I will suggest it.

That's exactly my point, "winning" in a diabetetix instance and to shove it in its face and go "so I've got this and I'm going to be awesome and you're not going to stop me" and taking control of his own health.

I think he acts like this as a form of control because he wants to be seen as "normal". I got him to talk to me openly yesterday but he's so wrapped up in hurt that he isn't "normal" that he doesn't want to pay any attention to it. "It doesn't define me, I am not diabetic type 1... I'm R" is usually his answer.
Click to expand...

The issue is. It will define him more & more if not controlled & the complications slow him down...
In your initial post. R seems to have a strong sense of duty with his work & helping others.. Amicable. :cool:
I like the guy!

But the going off the rails & putting someone close through the deep worry..? Ethically I couldn't do that to my wife, my mother.. Or even my dog.

I see this more of a "relationship issue" as your the one going out your way talking to a bunch of diabetics..
Until R is "ready" it's gonna be another story of a partner giving the runaround...
Not healthy for either of you. ;)
 
@lofr9605

Hello and welcome to the forum :) To help you to help your boyfriend, here is the information which was mentioned above, which I hope you will find useful. Ask as many questions as you need to and someone will be able to answer.


BASIC INFORMATION FOR NEW MEMBERS

Diabetes is the general term to describe people who have blood that is sweeter than normal. A number of different types of diabetes exist.

A diagnosis of diabetes tends to be a big shock for most of us. It’s far from the end of the world though and on this forum you’ll find over 150,000 people who are demonstrating this.

On the forum we have found that with the number of new people being diagnosed with diabetes each day, sometimes the NHS is not being able to give all the advice it would perhaps like to deliver - particularly with regards to people with type 2 diabetes.

The role of carbohydrate

Carbohydrates are a factor in diabetes because they ultimately break down into sugar (glucose) within our blood. We then need enough insulin to either convert the blood sugar into energy for our body, or to store the blood sugar as body fat.

If the amount of carbohydrate we take in is more than our body’s own (or injected) insulin can cope with, then our blood sugar will rise.

The bad news

Research indicates that raised blood sugar levels over a period of years can lead to organ damage, commonly referred to as diabetic complications.

The good news

People on the forum here have shown that there is plenty of opportunity to keep blood sugar levels from going too high. It’s a daily task but it’s within our reach and it’s well worth the effort.

Controlling your carbs

The info below is primarily aimed at people with type 2 diabetes, however, it may also be of benefit for other types of diabetes as well.
There are two approaches to controlling your carbs:

  • Reduce your carbohydrate intake
  • Choose ‘better’ carbohydrates

Reduce your carbohydrates

A large number of people on this forum have chosen to reduce the amount of carbohydrates they eat as they have found this to be an effective way of improving (lowering) their blood sugar levels.

The carbohydrates which tend to have the most pronounced effect on blood sugar levels tend to be starchy carbohydrates such as rice, pasta, bread, potatoes and similar root vegetables, flour based products (pastry, cakes, biscuits, battered food etc) and certain fruits.

Choosing better carbohydrates

Another option is to replace ‘white carbohydrates’ (such as white bread, white rice, white flour etc) with whole grain varieties. The idea behind having whole grain varieties is that the carbohydrates get broken down slower than the white varieties –and these are said to have a lower glycaemic index.
http://www.diabetes.co.uk/food/diabetes-and-whole-grains.html

The low glycaemic index diet is often favoured by healthcare professionals but some people with diabetes find that low GI does not help their blood sugar enough and may wish to cut out these foods altogether.

Read more on carbohydrates and diabetes

LOW CARB PROGRAM:
http://www.diabetes.co.uk/low carb program


Eating what works for you

Different people respond differently to different types of food. What works for one person may not work so well for another. The best way to see which foods are working for you is to test your blood sugar with a glucose meter.

To be able to see what effect a particular type of food or meal has on your blood sugar is to do a test before the meal and then test after the meal. A test 2 hours after the meal gives a good idea of how your body has reacted to the meal.

The blood sugar ranges recommended by NICE are as follows:

Blood glucose ranges for type 2 diabetes
  • Before meals: 4 to 7 mmol/l
  • 2 hours after meals: under 8.5 mmol/l
Blood glucose ranges for type 1 diabetes (adults)
  • Before meals: 4 to 7 mmol/l
  • 2 hours after meals: under 9 mmol/l
Blood glucose ranges for type 1 diabetes (children)
  • Before meals: 4 to 8 mmol/l
  • 2 hours after meals: under 10 mmol/l
However, those that are able to, may wish to keep blood sugar levels below the NICE after meal targets.

Access to blood glucose test strips

The NICE guidelines suggest that people newly diagnosed with type 2 diabetes should be offered:

  • structured education to every person and/or their carer at and around the time of diagnosis, with annual reinforcement and review
  • self-monitoring of plasma glucose to a person newly diagnosed with type 2 diabetes only as an integral part of his or her self-management education

Therefore both structured education and self-monitoring of blood glucose should be offered to people with type 2 diabetes. Read more on getting access to bloodglucose testing supplies.

You may also be interested to read questions to ask at a diabetic clinic

Note: This post has been edited from Sue/Ken's post to include up to date information.
 
hi there @lofr9605
one of the things that helped me the very most was something i was taught about at diagnosis
it is called the 5 stages of grief link here http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

in my opinion this is one of the central keys to your boyfriend taking control.
Getting to a state of acceptance.

we all have our times when that acceptance can slip , but regaining it is paramount.
 
@lofr9605 I'd have to agree with what many of the others have said. There is little that you can do about your boyfriend's diabetes until he chooses to deal with it.

What you can do is sit down with him and explain how you feel, find out how he feels about you and try and have a relationship conversation, where there is no blame and no pressure. About how you see your life with him and how you'd like that to progress, and more importantly how you can get there together. It is likely that part of his denial is that he is scared of what's to come and what living with Diabetes really means.

I wrote a blog post earlier this year about the psychological effects of a diabetes diagnosis. http://crick-tech-munch.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/keep-on-jabbing-keep-on-testing-loss-of.html

It may help you to grasp a bit what is going on in his head and why it is so tough. Have a read.
 
tim2000s said:
@lofr9605 I'd have to agree with what many of the others have said. There is little that you can do about your boyfriend's diabetes until he chooses to deal with it.

What you can do is sit down with him and explain how you feel, find out how he feels about you and try and have a relationship conversation, where there is no blame and no pressure. About how you see your life with him and how you'd like that to progress, and more importantly how you can get there together. It is likely that part of his denial is that he is scared of what's to come and what living with Diabetes really means.

I wrote a blog post earlier this year about the psychological effects of a diabetes diagnosis. http://crick-tech-munch.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/keep-on-jabbing-keep-on-testing-loss-of.html

It may help you to grasp a bit what is going on in his head and why it is so tough. Have a read.
Click to expand...
I cannot thank you enough for sending me that. By far the most helpful blog I've ever read. So informative and well written. Thankyou so so much. L x
 
Does he drive, or want to learn to drive?
 
Ok.. Is he aware of the rules for driving??

Above 5 to drive?

Does he test pre driving lessons?

Does he make sure he has hypo stoppers with him?

If he wants to be grown up and learn to drive, this could be the thing to make him see sense...he must be in control to drive...

If he isn't-then he shouldn't be learning to drive-he could injure himself or others..
 
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