Cracker Jokes

[Lorraine deer]

Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains


Pull yourself together man

 

[Lorraine deer]

A horse walks into a bar...
Barman says
Hey why the long face

 

[eddie1968]

Hear about the Irish woman who went to iron her curtains ?
Fell out the window lol
and... Hear about the Irish wolfhound lying in front of the fire chewing it's bone ?
It woke up with three legs lol

 

[Robinredbreast]

How do you know when an elephant has been in your fridge ?
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foot prints in the butter

 

[Robinredbreast]

Hear about the Irish woman who went to iron her curtains ?
Fell out the window lol
and... Hear about the Irish wolfhound lying in front of the fire chewing it's bone ?
It woke up with three legs lol

Doh, poor doggie and so near Christmas too ............aawww

 

[Robinredbreast]

A horse walks into a bar...
Barman says
Hey why the long face

Was it because it walked into a bar, ouch

 

[Mike d]

What did Tarzan do when he saw a herd of elephants storming toward the village?

He warned everybody

What did Tarzan do when he saw a herd of elephants storming toward the village wearing sunnies?

Nothing ... he didn't recognise them

 

[Snowy12]

What has four legs but can't walk?
A Table!

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!

 

[adrian207]

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?

Errrr.............. a Baptised sweet smelling cat

 

[adrian207]

What's large and paints it's toe nails red.......................





An elephant hiding in a cherry tree.

See not easy to spot, is it!

 

[DunePlodder]

A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey we've got a whisky named after you!"
The horse says "What? Eric?!"

 

[izzzi]

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney

Claustrophobia

 

[Robbity]

How does an elephant hide in a bowl of custard?
...
Paints its feet yellow and lies upside down.

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and quivers?
...
A jellyfish.

One for Mike D:
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
...
A woolly jumper

One of the first jokes I ever learned:
What's black and white and red all over?
..
A newspaper

Another one which is probably best told in the school playground, was :

Adam and Eve and PInch-me-tight went up in an aeroplane. Adam and Eve fell out, who do you think was saved?

Pinch-me-tight!


Robbity

 

[Mike d]

Hadn't heard that Good one

 

[ConradJ]

Really ? pull the other one

Shurely you mean: "Udder one"?

("And don't call me Shirley.")

 

[ConradJ]

A horse trots into a bar; proprietor asks, "Why the long face?"

Well, this ain't a cracker jack, but I've always liked it:

Airforce One is flying World Leaders, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, the Head of MENSA and an Australian Backpacker back from an important conference when the pilot suddenly announces: "Attention, we have multiple engine failures and need to ditch into the Atlantic. Unfortunately, owing to the unplanned guest on board, we are one chute short; you'll have to decide who stays on board."

With that, the pilot jumps from the craft leaving everyone stunned. With that, George Bush stands up, "I'm the President of the United States of America, leader of the World's most powerful nation, the world needs me." With that he grabs a chute and jumps out.

The Pope stands up and announces that "as head of the Catholic Church and spiritual leader to billions, the world needs me." He too grabs a chute and jumps.

The process goes on until there's just three people left: Sir Clive Sinclair stands up: "As the head of MENSA, the organisation of the most intelligent people of the world, I am also too important to stay behind." With that he grabs a pack and jumps.

The Dalai Lama turns to the backpacker and says, "My son, I believe in the hereafter and continuity of all things; please take the last one and be safe."

The backpacker sits up and, handing the Dalai Lama a pack, replies: "No worries mate, the most intelligent man in the world has just taken my rucksack."

 

[Robinredbreast]

Shurely you mean: "Udder one"?

("And don't call me Shirley.")

I surely and sincerely wont call you erm Shirley

RRB

 

[Robinredbreast]

A horse trots into a bar; proprietor asks, "Why the long face?"

Well, this ain't a cracker jack, but I've always liked it:

Airforce One is flying World Leaders, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, the Head of MENSA and an Australian Backpacker back from an important conference when the pilot suddenly announces: "Attention, we have multiple engine failures and need to ditch into the Atlantic. Unfortunately, owing to the unplanned guest on board, we are one chute short; you'll have to decide who stays on board."

With that, the pilot jumps from the craft leaving everyone stunned. With that, George Bush stands up, "I'm the President of the United States of America, leader of the World's most powerful nation, the world needs me." With that he grabs a chute and jumps out.

The Pope stands up and announces that "as head of the Catholic Church and spiritual leader to billions, the world needs me." He too grabs a chute and jumps.

The process goes on until there's just three people left: Sir Clive Sinclair stands up: "As the head of MENSA, the organisation of the most intelligent people of the world, I am also too important to stay behind." With that he grabs a pack and jumps.

The Dalai Lama turns to the backpacker and says, "My son, I believe in the hereafter and continuity of all things; please take the last one and be safe."

The backpacker sits up and, handing the Dalai Lama a pack, replies: "No worries mate, the most intelligent man in the world has just taken my rucksack."

You could get in a cracker, but it would have to be a flipping family size one like ir

 

[Robinredbreast]

What did Adam say the day before Christmas >
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It's Christnmas eve

 

[eddie1968]

Great White Shark meets his pal the Tiger shark and gives him a dead octopus he has caught.
"Here's that sick squid I owe you"