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Feeling flat - Failed again.

Discussion in 'Emotional and Mental Health' started by Maggie/Magpie, Mar 28, 2017.

  1. Maggie/Magpie

    Maggie/Magpie Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi All,
    Feeling really flat today.
    Saw ENT consultant yesterday about possible sleep apnoea, being referred to respiratory team for the relevant test. Was asked if I had any questions mind was blank couldn't think of any, kicked myself afterwards. Didn't even ask why he suspected I had it?
    Then today put on 6lbs in a week, no obvious reason for it. I then went for my psychotherapy session, only been working on a time line, but came away exhausted. So let my guard down, slipped back into old habbits, went on a carb and sugar binge, first one since diagnosis last October, so now feel even more flat, blood sugars are understandably up and I'm feeling like a right failure.
    Slipping back into negative thought spirals, can't get out of them, need help!
    Maggie
     
    • Hug Hug x 4
  2. serenity648

    serenity648 · Guest

    You may have lost a battle, but you are winning the war, and fighting back!!! This is the FIRST binge since October - thats a WIN !!
     
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  3. AndBreathe

    AndBreathe I reversed my Type 2 · Expert
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    You've hit a few bumps in the road today Maggie, for sure. Draw a line under the day and start afresh tomorrow. Just a word of warning, sometimes if we've gone a bit off plan, the first day back we can be bit carb hungry. Just keep some nice low carb stuff close to hand.

    Fingers crossed you feel beter toorrow.
     
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  4. Dark Horse

    Dark Horse · Well-Known Member

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    1. Everyone thinks of things they should have asked after a consultation, it's quite normal and nothing to kick yourself about. You can write any questions down now as they occur to you and take the list to your next appointment to jog your memory.
    2. Never trust a single measurement of weight. This one might be wrong. The last might have been wrong. They might both be wrong. There can be a lot of variation due to hydration, gut contents, position on the scale, etc. Try to look at trends over a longer period of time instead.
    3. Only one slip-up since October? You're doing amazingly well then and definitely not a failure. It's normal to have the odd lapse under trying circumstances. There's no reason why you can't get back on track tomorrow.
     
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  5. EllsKBells

    EllsKBells Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    You are so strong to have come this far in such a short time. You are stronger than this mean, pathetic diabetes beast. You can do this. It is a greedy, stupid little thing, and we shall not dignify it by allowing it to 'own' us.

    Psychotherapy is hard. Believe me, I know. Sometimes you go and you feel like you haven't achieved anything, and it's worse than when you went in in the first place. But it's a journey. There are bumps in the road. If you possibly can, keep your eyes looking firmly ahead.

    As @serenity648 so eloquently said, losing the battle doesn't mean losing the war. This was one day. That's all. Tomorrow is another one, and it can be different. Having only slipped once since October? That's absolutely huge! You can do this Maggie. Sending you hugs. Message me if you need to rant.
     
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  6. NikiMilligan

    NikiMilligan Type 2 · Active Member

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    I can maybe give some pointers re sleep apnea...

    (1) If you are overweight
    (2) I would suspect, since you have seen an ENT guy that you may have an airway problem - only minor sinus problems, jaw offsets, receding jaws etc. can disturb things enough to cause obstructive sleep apnea
    (3) Sleep apnea can CAUSE diabetes. Because it's starving the body of oxygen all sorts of hormones get released including those that cause hypoglycaemia
    (4) improperly managed hypothyroidism also has links with hypoglycaemia and sleep apnea, as does chronic fatigue syndrome.

    Good luck with diagnosis - it really is a postcode lottery in the UK as to how quickly you will be diagnosed and treated.

    For myself, I had my first sleep test really quickly - but it was a year and a half before they called me back to tell me I had sleep apnea and needed a second test to figure out severity and treatment plan. My review for 2nd test is in a few weeks.

    I'd suggest ringing the clinic you are being referred to and asking for turnaround time for both test AND processing of results.

    If it's too long, and you can afford it, go private.

    Worst diagnosis I ever had - worse even than diabetes - you are about to start on the journey I had in December and once you start reading about it it is likely to scare the poo out of you - I know it did me to the point of horrific panic attacks (but then part of that was knowing that the NHS in Northern Ireland is incompetent and it could be years before I'd actually be treated!)

    Take care of yourself and try not to get too uptight about it, but most of all take control and if lists are too long ring around and get referred to a different clinic (NHS rules allow you to request that you are seen anywhere in the uk, so you are not - currently - tied to the clinic in your catchment are).

    If you need support there are a couple of really good sleep apnea Facebook groups - they have been lifesavers and very educational for me!

    And best of all - you may not even have it :)

    Niki
     
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  7. NikiMilligan

    NikiMilligan Type 2 · Active Member

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    And ps - my diagnosis of T2D was 9 months after the diagnosis (and non treatment of) my sleep apnea!
     
  8. Winnie53

    Winnie53 Type 2 · BANNED

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    I concur with EllsKBells. Psychotherapy is hard work. Documenting the significant people and events in our life up through the present time is valuable, though not fun. I remember going through this process decades ago.

    By happy accident, I chose to listen to lectures by Stephen Covey, Ph.D., author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, while working with a therapist. I alternated between feeling sad after sessions with feeling optimistic and hopeful after listening to Covey. I needed and benefitted from both.

    I also remember having "reset" days, much like you describe in your post. Some days were just the worst. In time I came to realize that if I had something healthy to eat and drink, then went to bed, I always felt better the next morning. With time, I came to realize that those days were just bumps in the road of life as someone else stated here. With each day, week, month, year, it continued to get better, and better. It will for you too.

    Glad you found your way here. :)
     
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  9. Maggie/Magpie

    Maggie/Magpie Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Thank you all for your kind and supportive posts.
    Today may be another day but not a particularly good one. On one hand embarrassed myself by falling asleep in a meeting, twice.
    But on the other, I received a parcel from my daughter in New Zealand for mothers day, a huge bar of New Zealand chocolate (not good after yesterday) but her sentiment in her card and letter was beautiful, but I ended up in tears because of it. I miss her so much and shes talking about staying there another two years, which will be so hard to deal with if she does. This last year has been heart breaking. I know I have another daughter still here in London and I'd see her every day if I could, but its been 7 weeks now since I've seen her and she keeps putting up barriers to stop me going up which is so difficult to deal with. I think their genuine ones really but when your down it just feels like a kick in the teeth every time. I'm desperately trying not to be too pushy and keep a healthy opinion on it all but its so hard and so easy to get paranoid. I love both my daughters so much but now their independent women it's really hard to let them fly and be left behind to crumble!
     
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  10. Resurgam

    Resurgam Type 2 (in remission!) · Expert

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    I have sleep apnoea, it isn't a problem as I have the snozzelizer - aka a CPAP machine - just put on the nose cone and switch on, fall asleep, wake up next morning refreshed, switch off and remove nose cone, fixed. I go along to the hospital to have it checked once every two years, no problem.
    I have a defunct thyroid - I just take tablets and get it checked once a year.
    There are so many options for keeping in touch these days - even I can Skype to see and speak to my offspring - perhaps you could try to organise that so you can at least see your family?
     
  11. EllsKBells

    EllsKBells Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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  12. Maggie/Magpie

    Maggie/Magpie Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi EllsKBells,
    Good to hear from you again.
    Its been a bit better today thanks. I've had lots of like minded people around today so good distraction therapy!
    When able I volunteer for a Mental Health Charity. Today I forced myself to go on an outing to an Art Gallery; when well; one of my favorite places to visit and despite the difficulties it throws up I got there and back unscathed. Think I will be suffering for it tomorrow though, as its a long day with lots of stress but I keep being told its been a massive achievement in whats been, otherwise a very difficult week.
    Hope your ok?
    Maggie
     
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  13. AndBreathe

    AndBreathe I reversed my Type 2 · Expert
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    Maggie/Magpie - It looks like you're back in the saddle again. The comment I did want to make was about your daughters?

    I'm not a mother, but I always remember my mother telling me, eons ago, that the primary objective of parenthood was to help your children to develop into strong, independent adults, able to build their own lives and form their own adventures. It sounds like you have achieved that with both girls, so try to think on that positive when their lives appear to be spinning in a slightly different orbit to your own.

    No matter how many miles there may be between you, the closeness you have with them can't be damaged.
     
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  14. Ultramum

    Ultramum Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    (((((Hugs)))) hope today is feeling brighter - you've come so far that one tiny step back makes very little difference overall and the lost ground can be regained ... More ((((hugs)))
     
  15. Maggie/Magpie

    Maggie/Magpie Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Resurgam,
    I rely on texts, whats-app and good old fashion letter writing to communicate with my girls. Unfortunately my Skype is kaput! Several friends have tried but failed to fix it so I can't see and chat to them as I'd like. Also they make excuses for me not to be able to contact them on a regular bases and I feel to keep me at arms length. But that could just be my paranoia?
     
  16. Winnie53

    Winnie53 Type 2 · BANNED

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    @Maggie/Magpie did you have a healthy relationship with your mother throughout your childhood and your 20's? Also, how were your 20's spent?

    I ask, because I didn't have a healthy relationship with my mother, though she's a nice person, which made it hard for me to know what's "normal" with the roles now reversed - (I have two stepson's, ages 41 and 39, and a son, age 29). I also became a wife and step parent at age 19, so I went directly from living in my parent's home to my husband's home. I actually missed out on my 20's developmentally.

    All three of our children love us, but they're mostly engaged in their lives, first with school, then with their careers, then with finding a life partner, then with becoming home owners, and then with the rearing of their own children, which is where we are now. We greatly enjoy our time together but we're not integrated in their day to day lives, though I know some parents are with their adult children.

    I don't know either what's going on with your daughters.

    Perhaps, when you feel ready, you can ask them. That's my plan.

    I figure I've given my son 10+ years to get some grounding in who he is and where he wants to go with his life - (he has a career and home but not a life partner yet).

    At this point, I'd like to see and talk with him more often too. So this summer, the plan is to begin the conversation about what our relationship could be now that we're both firmly established in our adult lives. Not sure how he'll respond, or how our thinking will change and evolve each time we revisit this conversation over the next few years, but I think it's an important conversation.

    I think healthy relationships are a dance. We make a move, then we wait for them to make a move.

    A life threatening accident or illness is a unique circumstance, of course, but in general, I make my needs known to my family and friends, but I don't make demands of them because I know if the first person I ask can't meet a specific need, I usually can find someone else who can.

    An acquaintance once said to me that the most difficult aspect of cancer is "all the unknowns". I think not knowing is usually harder than knowing. But I also don't think you should ask your daughters until you feel ready...
     
    #16 Winnie53, Apr 2, 2017 at 12:06 AM
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
  17. Maggie/Magpie

    Maggie/Magpie Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi
    Things were difficult with my mum from my perspective but not the rest of my family's. But I had a good relationship with my own daughters until I got divorced when I was seriously ill with depression and my ex took advantage and turned them against me but I wont go into all of that here. I lost them for two years they were then horrible and disrespectful until late teens. Which was really difficult to deal with. All I could do was try to be a constant caring influence and be their for them when they needed me despite how I was feeling inside. I've now got a relatively good relationship with them but live in fear that it will all be destroyed again if I say just one word out of place or push too much. So I often tread on egg shells where their concerned. All I can do is try and be consistant and be there for them. Its been a very difficult few years.
    I'm still depressed but I think I have been on and off all my life. I think of my girls when things get tough and try to imagine how they would be affected should I die; in what ever way. I guess I have an advantage in that for I used to be a nurse and cared for many who didn't succeed and their relatives who were left behind. So I've seen it from both sides. So when I'm at my deepest lows and don't want to be here any more I think of my children, so far it's helped.
    But I'm digressing. Both my parents are dead now. I always swore I wouldn't bring my girls up by ignoring them like she did me - I think I've managed that. But mine are fiercely independent, they had to be when I moved out, my ex saw to that he did nothing for them.
    I'm sorry to rabbit on it's not my intention to use this as a therapy session so I'm going to stop now before I bore you all to death. After all this is meant to be a diabetes forum!
    Maggie
     
  18. chalup

    chalup Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    This is also a support forum. Rabbit away, we are here to listen.
     
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  19. Winnie53

    Winnie53 Type 2 · BANNED

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    Maggie, I think you're right. If anything happened to you, it would be devastating for the girls. It's good that you have that awareness. And how wonderful they've always known that you love them, more importantly, unconditionally, and that you're there for them when you're well. That counts for a lot. :)

    I'm glad you found your way here, that you're focused on improving your health.

    It's hard growing up with a distant mother. I grew up in a family where my basic needs were always met - (shelter, heat, food, clothing, school supplies, etc.) - and I'm, of course, grateful. I knew a lot of kids who had it far rougher than I. At least I felt provided for, safe, which is important, but... not much more. Dad passed when I was in my late 20's. I'm slowly losing my mother now to dementia.

    The need to feel connected to others is universal. We all need it. Decades ago, I was shocked to learn that almost everyone in a class I was taking only had one friend. At the time, I'm not sure if I had even that. And I mistakenly thought everyone else had loads of friends. Over the decades, I've learned that "family" is where you make it." My closest friends have become my family.

    I wish I'd had a greater sense of connection from my parents. I didn't. I don't think they knew how. It's not that they were in any way bad people. Again, they just didn't know how to do it. They had acquaintances, but no close friends.

    It's hard. But look at you. Despite the neglect you experienced as a child, you've always been there for your girls when you're well. That's so very, very important.

    I have two friends that I see weekly. Our time together is part structured, part unstructured. We share a meal and we take turns answering these questions: What was your best and worst this week? What was your progress this week? What are your goals for the coming week? So simple, yet I can't begin to tell you how much those two hours mean to me, to us. We've been doing it for years.

    What brought my two friends and I together was a fundraiser, then many years later, a common, shared goal that we each wanted to work toward. In a sense, you have that here with us... diabetes. :)

    Sadness is a funny thing. It's with us, sometimes for a long time, then something shifts, and it's gone. It helps to have others who listen, who support us as we ride it out...

    Find ways to take care of yourself. Eat the best foods you can. Take walks. Look for simple acts of kindness when you're out and about. Make the time you need for sleep, rest and relaxation. Find something, anything that you enjoy. Perhaps a good movie or book. Keep talking. Like chalup said, "we are here to listen.".
     
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    #19 Winnie53, Apr 2, 2017 at 3:31 AM
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
  20. Marvelchick79

    Marvelchick79 Type 2 · Member

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    Hi, I completely understand and feel for you, I had a negative yesterday where in the end I gave in to all my cravings and ate so bad. Honestly though the fact I know feel so ill has made me kick myself this morning but it's also made me determined to get back on it. I hope you are able to focus and see today as a new day... big hugs xx
     
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