In A Bad Place

[WizWas]

So having suffered depression on and off for most of my life, including a couple of breakdowns, I currently feel that I am in the worst possible place.
I've been diagnosed with type 2 diabetic for 18 months, and insulin dependent for 7 months. I take Humulin I twice a day, Trulicity once a week. I take metformin, Dapagliflozin, ramipril (high blood pressure), & Atorvastatin tablets. The doctor has now prescribed an additional Blood Pressure medication, but I forget the name. I also take Rosehip, multivitamins, and joint supplement.
I am in constant pain with my back and knees from the moment I wake up. I wake up throughout the night with back, knee pain. Due to having grommets just before Christmas, I get earache's and tinnitus most days, which also makes sleeping difficult. Trying to get this looked into, but have a 8 month waiting list to be referred again.
As a side effect of the diabetes, my foreskin has shrunk, which means I can't get intimate with my wife, and have been referred to a specialist for a circumcision. This is causing strain on our relationship. The trulicity gives me an upset stomach and cramps. At it's worst it has caused me to soil myself in public.

I am in a career field I don't like, in a job that is at best mundane, but I am not qualified for anything else and need to earn at least a certain amount to support my family. My commute is killing me, 90 minutes each way stuck in traffic the whole way. I've only been in my current job for 6 months, so can't change yet
.
My father in law is living with us, which is causing additional strain, both emotional ( he is a Narcissistic sexist racist ********, but he is my wife's dad, so what can I do?) and financial (he is broke, so we pay for everything).

I have few friends and those that I do have enough of their own problems.

I know that I am luckier than some and worse than others. I do know that.

But right now, I am so sick of it all and just want it all to end, it's only the pain and suffering that my wife and son would endure prevents me from doing anything more drastic.

 

[lucylocket61]

To address the financial, your FIL should be getting his state pension and there should also be funding for you as carers. Emotionally, can the doctors or Samaritans help? sometimes just ringing the Samaritans and having an understanding human at the end of the phone can help when things get really bad.

 

[lucylocket61]

PS it says on your profile that you are only on metformin. If you change your information then others will see that you are on insulin and offer more suitable help.

Our blood glucose levels can have a big impact on how we feel mentally and physically, and how able we are to cope with life.

 

[kitedoc]

Hi @WizWas, You seem to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. sorry to hear it. I hope you keep a crisis line number on hand so that whatever time or place, if you are really, really low you can ring, or your wife can on your behalf.
The following is from my own experience of diabetes, depression and adversity, not professional advice or opinion.
As @lucylocket61 has said, there may be some things to do to ease financial pressures.
Health-wise I wonder if it is the combo of metformin and Trulicity which is causing gastro problems. You could speak with your doctor about adjusting doses, maybe.
Given your likely stress levels maybe ask the GP if there is any BP medication which works better for BP due to stress. There is one on the market I think called monoxidine. A friend of mine found it useful even though it was not very powerful in lowering BP. It helped by allowing reduction of doses of other tablets and their side-effects.
Diabetes makes us more prone to thrush and thrush under the foreskin can cause inflammation - has that been checked out and treated if need be ?
When time permits see whether there are books in the library or on the web about sexual counselling and other ways to have some form of sexual relations with your wife until the circumcision is done ?
Is your commute hands-free, as in in a bus or train? Even if driving, music can be soothing. But a friend of mine was fined for speeding. The music on the radio was 'Zorba The Greek".
On hands-free commute ? crosswords (written, swearing elsewhere !), sodoku etc.
Have you been on anti-depressants? Did they help? Is there a better one with fewer side-effects, if your GP is discussing that with you. Of course anti-depressants do not change your circumstances but if you feel better, that may help you deal better with your present circumstances.
I know I have given lots of to-do things here, They are suggestions only.
But always remember to breathe.
If I get het up I tend to hold my breathe in. I stop thinking, stuck. Even breathing in and out, not to deep or fast allows me to start thinking again. The brain and mind in gear I can at least plan, delegate, get my ducks better in a row.
Please keep posting, bounce ideas, feeling, thoughts off us.

 

[Resurgam]

Just random thoughts here but the statin might be causing some trouble, aches and pains and also some mental problems - my husband is a lot better for stopping the Atorvastatin - not in danger of being throttled for constantly repeating the same phrase at the end of every sentence for a start.
A rather less drastic treatment than circumcision is a simple physical stretching - It might have to be repeated a couple of times but it is done far faster and without much fuss.
If you have to put up with your father in law then look for sources of money for doing so - if he isn't safe to walk the streets alone due to what he might say the he needs to be supervised. A couple of similar souls have had awful shocks after speaking to me disrespectfully - I have activist DNA, lots of it. Is the citizens advice bureau any use where you are? They do vary, and some are understaffed and overworked, but they might have leaflets or other resources online.
The Metformin and trulicity are another obvious target - was it prescribed only after a low carb diet failed to help? Low carbing can help with blood pressure too - I always take wicked pleasure in watching a nurse take mine, then take it again, and sometimes they then go to find a different tester. If you can't get an appointment with your doctor or nurse perhaps a letter or phonr call might get through.
If you are traveling for three hours every day that must take a lot of fuel - would you be better off working closer to home and walking to work? I didn't think that there were rules for changing jobs. Something in a local supermarket might be an option to take the strain off.

 

[ickihun]

Yes. Your cup is full. Full of your own and others expectations.

I'm guessing your a person who cannot say 'no'.
My psychologist gave me some assertiveness workshops. They were great. I'll try and forward their link to you in a private message later. I'm having to nap due to very very similar problems to you but I'm hanging on to the opportunity of bariatric surgery (hoping next month, or as near as possible).

 

[JoKalsbeek]

So having suffered depression on and off for most of my life, including a couple of breakdowns, I currently feel that I am in the worst possible place.
I've been diagnosed with type 2 diabetic for 18 months, and insulin dependent for 7 months. I take Humulin I twice a day, Trulicity once a week. I take metformin, Dapagliflozin, ramipril (high blood pressure), & Atorvastatin tablets. The doctor has now prescribed an additional Blood Pressure medication, but I forget the name. I also take Rosehip, multivitamins, and joint supplement.
I am in constant pain with my back and knees from the moment I wake up. I wake up throughout the night with back, knee pain. Due to having grommets just before Christmas, I get earache's and tinnitus most days, which also makes sleeping difficult. Trying to get this looked into, but have a 8 month waiting list to be referred again.
As a side effect of the diabetes, my foreskin has shrunk, which means I can't get intimate with my wife, and have been referred to a specialist for a circumcision. This is causing strain on our relationship. The trulicity gives me an upset stomach and cramps. At it's worst it has caused me to soil myself in public.

I am in a career field I don't like, in a job that is at best mundane, but I am not qualified for anything else and need to earn at least a certain amount to support my family. My commute is killing me, 90 minutes each way stuck in traffic the whole way. I've only been in my current job for 6 months, so can't change yet
.
My father in law is living with us, which is causing additional strain, both emotional ( he is a Narcissistic sexist racist ********, but he is my wife's dad, so what can I do?) and financial (he is broke, so we pay for everything).

I have few friends and those that I do have enough of their own problems.

I know that I am luckier than some and worse than others. I do know that.

But right now, I am so sick of it all and just want it all to end, it's only the pain and suffering that my wife and son would endure prevents me from doing anything more drastic.

That's.... A lot. And most of these things I can't help with, though others have made useful suggestions. What I do know: I've been clinically depressed my whole life. And realising someone else has it beter or possibly worse than you does not change a thing about how YOU feel, or are ALLOWED to feel. You're in a bad place, and no-one else's troubles alleviate yours. You're entitled to how you feel, so no need to mitigate or apologise for it.
Reading your symptoms, the aches in your knees and back, and quite possibly the depth of your depression could have something to do with the medication you're on (aside from fluctuating bloodsugars?). Statins sure messed up my joints, and I didn't need them any more messed up, as I have rheumatism already. It aggrivated a pre-existing condition in my case, but there's enough people who hurt over statins without one. For me, and again, this is just speaking from experience, the many, many side effects of the meds I was put on, and having insulin and more weight gain because of it in my future, I decided to look into diet as an option... I went low carb, and was diabetes-med and statin free in three months, and felt a whole lot better for it. I went a little further with low carb, going into Keto, and this week I walked to the doc's office twice. I don't usually leave the house on my own, because people terrify me and I don't go anywhere without one of a handful of people I trust enough to get me out of a situation I can't handle. (Husband, parents in law, mom. That's it. I'm holed up in the flat all day, every day, save for the weekends when I have someone to venture out with me.). I didn't have any options and the pain was rather severe. Normally I would've just stayed home, even knowing something was really wrong and I was worried it might be actually serious. Now I didn't stay in; I chose to take care of myself, and faced the 20 minute walk there, and the 25 minutes back. I am still depressed and anxious, I always will be, but it's not the big black gaping hole in my chest and paralising fear it once was. The absolute hopelessness isn't present in my life right now. And I do believe that's due in large part to the way I eat these days, because that's the only thing that really changed. The rest is still all the same.

I can't kick the a*****e out of your house, give you another job, and I don't do circumsicions, but that much I can advise you on. Try low carbing on for size, (dietdoctor.com can help) if you want and feel up to it. It might help you get rid of some of the meds in a little while. Read their leaflets and see what might be causing you agony. You never know what you might learn. Just don't stop anything cold turkey or without knowledge of you gp/medical team: you're on that stuff for a reason, so things will have to improve first before you do anything drastic. But it might be a starting point to feeling better, mentally and physically. Then the rest quite possibly will follow.

In any case... Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[DCUKMod]

@WizWas - I'm fortunate enough to be in a good place, almost alround at the moment, but, like mos people there have been periods in my life where things haven't been great, and can identify with once there's something markedly awry other things seem to pile in and add to the burden.

Specifically, I have been in the "this job is killing me" place,...... erm,.......... twice. First time I was in a highly regarded, professional job, which I was very good at, if I say so myself, and I earned a very significant salary, but I knew if I stuck with it for the balance of my working life it wouldn't be good.

One night, over a glass of something cool and white, I bemoaned to my best friend that I felt trapped in the job, but wasn't qualified for anything else. He spluttered a bit and gave me one of the best pieces of advice I've ever had, and something I'll share with you now.

He advised me to have a bit of a think about things, and to open my mind to what I did and strip out the then vocational labels, and take the tasks behind the skills up to a generic level. Actually, when I had done that I found I could do quite a lot of "stuff". That conversation took me off onto a whole new life adventure, and I have used that advice many, many times since, by applying it to other things and areas. It really taught me that labels can be incredibly unhelpful, and I even apply that part to my diabetes care.

I would suggest you try to find yourself a bit of head space and do some thinking. If you commute by train or other means, then that time could be useful. If you drive, I used to look on my commutes, which were also long, but not every day, as "my time", and an opportunity to switch from professional to personal me.

Please look after yourself. You're not in a great place at the moment, but one thing is certain in this life and that's that nothing stays the same for too long.

 

[PenguinMum]

Hi Wizwas
I am sorry that things are bad right now. The only thing I wanted to add to all the excellent posts above is I think you will be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you change to low carb food. I was. No one says its going to be easy but it gets easier and you will rebuild your confidence and your mood will be tons better. Mine was. Wishing you all the very best.

 

[ally1]

Sorry to hear of all what's going on with you at the moment.
Firstly I would advise speaking with your gp. Could be due to medication.
My last job, 15 years ago, I left by mutual agreement because of something my team leader did to me, I went to the police and my boss wanted me to keep quiet. So in away, my life was made he'll to carry on there. I adored my job.
I was too embarrassed to go on benefits, got into alot of debt but that's all clear now.
I have since been diagnosed with bipolar, at times I was so low that I had considered doing anything to end things.