@akindrat18 I have often mentioned counselling to you as a must.
I haven't really explained why. So here goes.
I really believe you do need counselling and lots of it too. It doesn't come cheap. My GP arranged for 8 sessions for me with the understanding that I would pay a voluntary donation towards the costs. I needed 28 sessions altogether so had to self fund the rest. It took these sessions and 4 years worth of anti-depressants to get to where I am now.
You are very like me in that you have good intentions, you research what needs to be done and you always set about doing it. then you get knocked off course, either by friends/family encouraging you to eat the wrong things, by circumstances at work, any number of things can sway you from the good path you have chosen.
A week or so ago someone said on another thread that comfort eating was natural and that we all do it. It isn't, it's a learned response for temporary relief of bad feelings (whether that's from loss, rejection, disappointment... even as a 'reward' for success and happiness) After that temporary relief though comes all the horrid feelings of guilt, failure and having to start right back at the beginning again. Each 'failure' leaves us feeling lower than before.
The only natural trigger to eat is hunger, (well OK sometimes thirst can feel like hunger too, so I usually have a drink of water to see if that gets rid of the hunger pangs) Just because the majority of the population have wrong triggers that cause them to eat doesn't mean it's OK for you and I. It isn't, our bodies can no longer put up with the mistreatment.
I honestly believe that you would be able to lose your excess weight and be taken off insulin one day. But you need to put yourself first. You need to believe in yourself and realise that nothing in the world is more important than you and your health. This won't wait. You can still turn this around but hey we've been here you and I talking about this for 5 years or so. Time really is running out. Please don't delay any longer.
I read the 'reasons' why you eat the wrong things and they are excuses, excuses to be abused by others. Don't let this go on any longer. You are important. Believe it.
My own need to comfort eat came from...
a need to feel loved, not rejected,
a need to be listened to,not ignored,
an emptiness inside that I just didn't understand
lack of self worth
not loving myself
a need to please others when they wanted to eat out and I didn't
putting others first (a tough one to get round that one - when you are a wife, daughter and mother - sometimes others really do come first!)
a need to succeed, never getting anything wrong, never making mistakes.
misplaced guilt
loneliness
depression
well I could go on all day with that list, but I am sure you can write your own list of triggers.
I think back to my childhood. My parents were lovely, but like all parents they had their faults.
I am writing my adult response to phrases that were said to me as a child so you get where I am coming from.
phrases like 'look what you made me do' - really? I don't think so you did that all on your own Mum!
'just go and read a book' - aww I just needed a hug.
'Stay indoors, I can't be bothered with cleaning your clothes when you get muddy' - so don't bother then, keep a dirty set for outdoor play!
'I'm too busy now' - really? you longed for a child for 19 years and now you are too busy for her! Dusting really isn't that important in the scheme of things.
When I fell over and hurt myself, my knee was cleaned and plastered and I was given a sweet. - A cuddle would have been more effective and would not have had the damaging effect of a lifelong (well 60 year) habit of comfort eating to ease the pain.
If I was good I was given crisps as a treat. - Oh please just tell me what a good girl I am and that you can see I tried really hard.
So do you see why I think you need counselling? It's so hard to unravel all of this stuff on your own, especially when 'everyone else does it' and the world thinks comfort eating and eating to please others is normal.
I have been off anti-depressants for 2 months. I wanted to stabilise first before trying hard to lose weight again. A month ago I started doing keto (usually 20g carbs a day, but I can sometimes get away with 30g and still stay in ketosis) . During that month I have felt disappointed (not with diet, with other things in life) rejected by a family member, stressed because of too much to do and too little time to do it, scared to face things etc. etc, oh and several meals out with family. And do you know what? None of these occurrences have caused me to stray from my diet. Not one. If I am having lunch with my son and there's nothing I like that is low enough carb for me I have a black coffee. I won't be doing keto forever, but when I stop, it will be because I want to stop not because anything or any body makes me stop. It's my body and I am in control of it.
Wouldn't you like that sort of freedom? That sort of power over yourself and your actions?
You can with good quality counselling. You can't afford It? It's priority above all else. It's the difference between a happy life and a miserable one.
I am not advising you to go keto as you are on insulin and you have a long way to go before you are where I am. I am advising you to get help to unlock all your old feelings so that you can start again and be a new you. If possible You need a couple of good friends to stand by you and encourage you. I don't mean the toxic ones who will encourage you to eat the wrong things 'just once' because 'it won't hurt' . It will hurt because it will dent your pride in yourself and your self -esteem. It's your will that matters not anyone else's.
I was extremely fortunate to find a couple of fantastic online friends who held my hand (figuratively) throughout my counselling and have been there for me when I needed them. I couldn't have got to where I am now without them. Thanks guys