1. Get the Diabetes Forum App for your phone - available on iOS and Android.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Guest, we'd love to know what you think about the forum! Take the Diabetes Forum Survey 2021 »
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Diabetes Forum should not be used in an emergency and does not replace your healthcare professional relationship. Posts can be seen by the public.
    Dismiss Notice
  4. Guest, stay home, stay safe, save the NHS. Stay up to date with information about keeping yourself and people around you safe here and GOV.UK: Coronavirus (COVID-19). Think you have symptoms? NHS 111 service is available here.
    Dismiss Notice
Dismiss Notice
Find support, ask questions and share your experiences. Join the community »

On the slippery slope....but out of my hands now....

Discussion in 'Diabetes Discussions' started by Molly56, Mar 4, 2016.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Molly56

    Molly56 Don't have diabetes · Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,844
    Likes Received:
    11,735
    Trophy Points:
    198
    It is a while now since I posted on here about my partner (now ex-partner) so thought a brief update was in order....
    ...of my choice we are now going our separate ways and I have asked him to move out....he has found a one bed apartment and will be moving out within the next couple of weeks...

    ....I can already see the signs that he will be on a slippery slope of rapid decline but this is not my problem anymore...I am stepping back totally and having no further contact or involvement in his life or his diabetic care...as far as I am concerned I have done what I can over the last few years but now is the time to start living my life...

    ..as I say the signs are there.....he has already cancelled his annual review with the diabetic nurse that he was supposed to be attending today....he has binned the appointment letter for his diabetic retinopathy screening on the 15th of this month so is clearly not intending to attend that either...

    .....his meals now consist of microwave ready meals plus the usual bread, bananas, milk and porridge....this I guess will be his diet of choice when he moves out or ordering takeaways /visit to local chippy...

    ....a couple of days ago I noticed spots of blood on the bathroom floor....when I questioned him about this it seems that the foot problem he has of a patch of hard skin on his big toe had become sore and inflamed and was bleeding ....he hadn't even noticed until I pointed it out....he has not seen anyone with it but has done his best to cover it with a dressing (I told him to do this as didn't want blood on my carpets!)....when i asked yesterday he said his toenail was going black and that he had a split in the skin near the joint of the toe....I did my usual suggestion of saying he should get it looked at by doctor or nurse but know full well he won't and will probably leave it till his next podiatry appointment in two to three weeks time...

    '....he has also for some weeks complained about back pain in the area of his kidneys but once again refuses to go to see a doctor ....just dismissing it as 'must be constipation'....

    ...and so the slippery slope of decline has well and truly begun....the question is not "when" but "how soon" will serious diabetic complications set in ........but now, as stated in the title, is totally out of my hands..

    ..as for me I couldn't be happier....I have met someone who I really love and care for and who is making my life far happier than I could ever have imagined possible....I am looking forward to a much brighter and more positive future and just can't wait to really start living life to the full again..:)

    ..I guess every cloud has a silver lining.... so my cloud of the last few years is finally lifting and I can once again see the sunshine...:joyful::happy:
     
    • Like Like x 9
    • Winner Winner x 9
    • Hug Hug x 3
  2. zand

    zand Type 2 · Master

    Messages:
    10,187
    Likes Received:
    16,164
    Trophy Points:
    298
    Wow Molly! What a powerful post!
    Enjoy that sunshine, you deserve it :)
     
    • Like Like x 5
    • Agree Agree x 2
  3. Jaylee

    Jaylee Type 1 · Moderator
    Staff Member

    Messages:
    15,529
    Likes Received:
    11,580
    Trophy Points:
    298
    As the saying goes. "The sun never sweats."
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
  4. Robinredbreast

    Robinredbreast Type 1 · Oracle

    Messages:
    18,447
    Likes Received:
    27,590
    Trophy Points:
    298
    Walking on sunshine by Katrina and the waves comes to mind, I couldn't be happier for you Molly :happy:
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  5. ickihun

    ickihun Type 2 · Master

    Messages:
    13,601
    Likes Received:
    18,463
    Trophy Points:
    298
    Wow. I bet your not alone dealing with a partner/ex who is on a self destruct. Normally the carer or victim never sets themselves free.
    Good on you.

    This bloke needs serious mental care. It's lacking in this country and partners get dragged to the bottom of despair with them.

    Does diabetes get enough help with mental care?

    We are all offered a psychiatrist under hospital care in Sunderland. If you ask.
    This fellow has to ask.
    When you're in denial or burn out do you feel strong enough to ask?

    The partner is always the one who has to be strong but at what cost?

    This post just highlights to me the huge amount of pressure your partner has.... if they care enough, that is. Some have had a lifetime of ignoring problems. They think it gets them by.

    Thank you for your update Molly.
    Well done for swimming rather than sinking. But you should never have had to have been in that situation in the first place. This man is being failed by the nhs/ gp or primary carer. I'd like to think my team would sort me out if I ever got so depressed with my diabetes. When you're in that position you need someone to take over. Social services?

    I'm pleased your now in a happier positive place.
    Thanks for update. :)
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  6. Jaylee

    Jaylee Type 1 · Moderator
    Staff Member

    Messages:
    15,529
    Likes Received:
    11,580
    Trophy Points:
    298
    Hmmmm.
    ..... I wouldn't have chosen that tune. Considering matey boy's potential foot ulcer..?! :(
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Agree Agree x 2
  7. Robinredbreast

    Robinredbreast Type 1 · Oracle

    Messages:
    18,447
    Likes Received:
    27,590
    Trophy Points:
    298
    It's for Molly, It's glorious sunshine here and passed it on, remember the partner is the ex partner now........................... :)
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Like Like x 2
  8. zand

    zand Type 2 · Master

    Messages:
    10,187
    Likes Received:
    16,164
    Trophy Points:
    298
    If the silly man won't do something about a foot that is bleeding then there really is no hope that he will ever change. Diabetic foot problems and the possibility of amputations are well publicised.

    Molly I am so very proud of you. :) I hope you will still post here.
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  9. Jaylee

    Jaylee Type 1 · Moderator
    Staff Member

    Messages:
    15,529
    Likes Received:
    11,580
    Trophy Points:
    298
    "The ex" will be going through some dark days. I would never wish the lights turned out on anyone... :rolleyes:
     
    • Like Like x 5
    • Agree Agree x 5
  10. Robinredbreast

    Robinredbreast Type 1 · Oracle

    Messages:
    18,447
    Likes Received:
    27,590
    Trophy Points:
    298
    That is good to hear.
     
  11. Robinredbreast

    Robinredbreast Type 1 · Oracle

    Messages:
    18,447
    Likes Received:
    27,590
    Trophy Points:
    298
    I think we all know what has been happening, it takes a brave person to change and move on, Molly has, I hope the ex will see the light one day ( he has grown up children, who I'm sure will want him to be around, for a long time to come )
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
  12. BooJewels

    BooJewels Type 2 · Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    443
    Likes Received:
    1,158
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Good for you Molly, I wish you all the very best for your future, well deserved, happiness.
     
    • Like Like x 6
    • Agree Agree x 3
  13. Enclave

    Enclave Type 2 (in remission!) · Well-Known Member
    Retired Moderator

    Messages:
    2,602
    Likes Received:
    4,616
    Trophy Points:
    178
    Sorry to hear he's still not taking any control of his condition .. Or is he trying to change your mind by pushing his self distruct button even harder ?
    I hope he's out of your home soon ..before his health crumbles completely ... Who knows his family may then be able to get him to take control of things.

    So pleased you have found your Mr right now :) see things happen for reasons ...
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  14. kevinfitzgerald

    kevinfitzgerald Type 1 · Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    691
    Likes Received:
    1,974
    Trophy Points:
    178
    There are no certainties in life. All anyone of us can do is try to live each day as best we can with the tools we have been given.

    You have used yours tirelessly and selflessly to support your partner only for him to ignore everything you do when trying to help him.

    You are not responsible for his actions. You are responsible for yours. You have taken the right decision to finally move away and you have found someone who will love and appreciate your support as much as you will his.

    You deserve this sunlight. Bask in its warmth and happiness.....
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  15. sallyj123

    sallyj123 Type 2 · Active Member

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Not diabetic problem, but I have son who is an alcoholic and also a drug addict, and I have done everything in my power to help him, but after 10 years I have had to take a step back as his problems were consuming my life. I totally understand your need to move on, from experience you just cannot help someone who doesn't want the help. I know some people will read your post and think how could you do this to him. But they have no idea what it is like to live with someone who is intent on self destruction.
    good luck with your new life and I hope and pray that he will find the right path back.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Hug Hug x 2
  16. DavidGrahamJones

    DavidGrahamJones Type 2 · Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,259
    Likes Received:
    2,101
    Trophy Points:
    178
    All the very best for the future . . . . . . . . you did your very best.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  17. Kyi

    Kyi Type 2 · Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    293
    Likes Received:
    902
    Trophy Points:
    133
    I always feel for the person who is the carer. No one will be able to get through to him. He is in denial. Maybe when he loses his toe he will rethink about his choices, maybe he will decline further. I can remember seeing my sisters husband's foot and it having a red line down. I knew it was the blood poison traveling down his foot and got them to go get it checked out. Sadly too late for his toes. He was a type 1 diabetic and sadly died at the age of 40. Had kidney failure and got blood poisoning. My sister was left to cope with the tragic lost of her husband after years of caring for him. She suffered with stress related liver problems after for a while. It is a shame that some people just give up because living with diabetes is just too hard for them to continue looking after themselves. It a brave person who can walk away and not continue with the baggage. Like any first aider is taught, you have to look after yourself first.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  18. Molly56

    Molly56 Don't have diabetes · Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,844
    Likes Received:
    11,735
    Trophy Points:
    198
    Just to update on recent events as I move along….

    …the transition to moving this situation along is progressing but perhaps slower than I had hoped for….there seems a reluctance from him to accept that the relationship is over and that he needs to move on but I am doing my best to remain firm and polite and to gradually move his possessions towards the door and out to his new flat..

    …the foot problem he has is getting worse …I helped him remove the dressing yesterday that he had put on to replace with a fresh one….it has been bleeding into the old one and I am sure is now infected as could see an area of possible green pus….I once again reiterated my usual advice that he really needs to get it seen to by someone as soon as possible but can do nothing more than that as the situation is out of my hands now….


    …following an incident the other evening when words were exchanged events took a course of action that I would never have predicted….certain things were said that prompted me to get up and walk out as I realised that I was being made to feel very uncomfortable and even unsafe in my own home…
    …the short version of events is that I ended up at the local police station to ask for advice on how best to deal with the situation…a five hour wait and interview followed to log the incident and for me to decide what I wanted to do about the situation…

    …I would never have contemplated that I would follow this course of action but somehow found the strength to do so….I know from reading other people’s stories on here that I am not alone in being in a situation where a relationship has become unhealthy and a partner can exert a degree of control over another person’s actions…

    …it was only during the process of being interviewed and potentially making a witness statement that I fully began to realise the extent of what has been happening…I always knew what I had put up with was not right but the act of telling someone else and having it written down made me realise that ultimately I was the victim of domestic abuse…it was never ever physical and not really even verbal until the other evening but more psychological and manipulative to the point of being so subtle that I really didn’t realise it was happening…..other words to describe it could be intimidating or controlling (not that I was ever prevented from doing something I wanted to do but his actions made me choose a different option to what I would normally have chosen)…

    …the bottom line is that I have now accepted and dealt with this and am now taking the necessary actions to put this in the past and move on with my life in a happier and much more positive way….the past is the past and is now history…there is no point dwelling on what might have been…

    ...my reason for sharing the above....I hope that if anyone else in a similar situation reads the above that they also find the strength and courage to do something about it….being put in that situation is not nice and no-one should be made to feel uncomfortable in any relationship for whatever reason….I am glad that I made the steps that I did and thank the person here that gave me the strength and courage to do so (you know who you are)….

    …to conclude…it is now just a matter of days before my now ex partner finally moves out to his new flat and then I can really start to get on with living my new life….:)
     
    • Like Like x 6
    • Hug Hug x 3
    • Winner Winner x 2
  19. BooJewels

    BooJewels Type 2 · Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    443
    Likes Received:
    1,158
    Trophy Points:
    158
    @Molly56 - I wish you the strength to get through the coming days and hope that it is finally resolved as painlessly as possible. I suspect that this next stage isn't going to be easy, especially if he continues to resist and try and exert influence and control over you.

    You've done the right thing, you know that already. I have to try and imagine how difficult it must be for you. I've never experienced anything like it (other than a manipulative family member who is exhausting to be with), but have had friends in various sorts of 'abusive' relationships and have seen how destructive it is - and then they've felt guilty about being the instigator of ending it.

    Good luck, I'm sending you my best positive thoughts to get through it all.
     
    • Like Like x 5
    • Agree Agree x 1
  20. KayeStevenson

    KayeStevenson Reactive hypoglycemia · Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    204
    Trophy Points:
    73
    It is a massive step when you finally have to recognise and accept the fact that you are/have been in an abusive relationship. It shook me to the core. Well done for taking action - that takes a huge amount of strength. Take care and be vigilant as the abuse is often ramped up when the abuser realises he/she is losing control over you. Women's Aid has a very helpful and supportive forum with tips on ending the relationship safely. Very best wishes as you move forward!
     
    • Like Like x 9
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  • Meet the Community

    Find support, connect with others, ask questions and share your experiences with people with diabetes, their carers and family.

    Did you know: 7 out of 10 people improve their understanding of diabetes within 6 months of being a Diabetes Forum member. Get the Diabetes Forum App and stay connected on iOS and Android

    Grab the app!
  • Tweet with us

  • Like us on Facebook