Slowly losing my dad

[islandgirl6464]

Hi there,

I don't usually post things but I am lost.

My dad was a stay at home dad, my best friend and has always been the handyman of the family. In the last few years his knees has gotten worse and his physical ability has declined. Early this year him and my mother split up, biggest reason was my dad's drug addiction to cocaine. Cocaine has always been around in my life in a recreational way, but my dad took it a bit too extreme. He has gone to treatment for a year but quickly relapsed as soon as he came back.

On top of all of this, my dad has severe depression and is currently unable to work because he is waiting for a double knee replacement (which he won't even get considered if he's using or not managing his diabetes). And his diabetes... Is very poorly managed. When my mom and him were together she would make sure he would take his medications everyday.. she would literally have to bring him a glass of water and his pills and watch him do it or else he wouldn't. When they split up, the first thing I worried about was how my dad was going to cope with it all. I knew he couldnt manage on his own so my husband, my dad and I found a house with a basement suite to live in. I'm only 26 and Carly for my dad fell onto me. My mom would tell me everyday "you have no idea what you're up for" and "you know you're going to have to take care of him now" and I knew... But not to this extent.

His mental and physical health is so out of hand, I don't know what to do anymore. And trust me, I've tried so hard to offer him so much support, and have researched so many support groups for him to look into and done so much for him but I am not a full time nurse. He literally needs 24hr care I swear but he refuses to do so.. and he's only 57 so I can't really force him to do anything. He doesn't take his diabetes medications, or his pain medications, or his antidepressants. He doesn't clean his place... Or himself. I have literally tried dragging him upstairs into the bathroom to shower and he will refuse and tell me to go away and that he's "not ready" .. it's been almost 6 months. He has lost so much weight, I've never seen him so skinny (he was always the big teddy bear kind of guy). He tries to drink water but says it makes him cough... Yet coca Cola is fine? Makes sense hey .. he also barely eats, is so dehydrated and rarely moves because he's been laying down 90% of his days for the past year so he's extremely sore. He was hospitalized a couple of months ago because he went into a diabetic coma with blood sugars over 50, when he came home.. he said he would change but it quickly turned back into the same thing. I've tried so hard to be there for him, clean up for him, make him food, scheduled phone appointments with his doctor (who just tells my dad that he can't help him if he decides not to help himself), feed him his pills, check his blood sugars, go grocery shopping for him... But I can only do so much. He won't allow help from anyone else though. I also have my household to look after too, which includes 2 step kids half time ages 4 and 6, a very long hour hard-working husband and a very energetic dog. I also struggle mentally and have for years, I see a counsellor but she wants me to focus on myself. I can't do that if my dad isn't okay though. My dad has been, and always will be, a huge part of who I am.

I also just found out I am pregnant(10 weeks).. after 2 years of trying with my husband. I never imagined not having my dad around throughout this process, especially once baby comes ... but it's just all too much. I can't leave my dad on his own though, he'd have no where to go and no one left to support him without me.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, I guess maybe for some other people who have maybe gone through something similar? Or I guess any advice at all would help... I love my dad so much, he is my world and it breaks my heart to watch him do this to himself.

 

[jjraak]

Huge hug for all that you are having to deal with.

OMG, Where do you find the strength for all that.

I hope dad realise how lucky he is to have you , though from the post it doesn't look like it, sadly.



Hard truth, but bottom line is we can't MAKE others do what they don't want to do.

There comes a point where we have to move a little bit away or the danger is we are so busy being someone's anchor, that we don't realise we are the ones drowning.


I think this post is you telling yourself that

And THAT is cathartic.

That mental release of tension,
A scream into the void.

Letting go of a cruel reality,
That YOU can't do everything.

None of us can, we all have our limits.


I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't & doubt anyone else will, sadly.

You won't want to hear it, and who would, but sometimes in life, we have to see through the fog and realise how life's battles are going.
And act accordingly.

You sound lovely, and the love & care you have for your dad, is beyond reproach.

However, he's an adult.
Fully able to look after himself, IF he chooses to.


Your new baby (Congratulations btw ) .....can't .

And THAT is where your main focus should be.

I only say that out loud, because I know you know that, but maybe you just need to read that a few times.

As hurtful as it is,
You are bringing a new life into the world, and he or she will be reliant upon you for everything because they won't be able to look after themselves.

Your dad can, but for whatever reasons, chooses not too.

On life's trail, we often have to face the heartbreak of reality.

You WILL be moving on reluctantly or not, for the sake of your family & new born.
With or without your dad.

I don't wish to write him off,
But as difficult as it is,
Mentally you have insulate yourself from the fact, that THIS doesn't end well unless HE wants it too.

And whether you agree or not it's HIS choice.

Yours must be what's best for you and your family.

I hope just the fact you felt the need to post, has helped you reach a conclusion

A way forward that makes some sense of all this.

That works to the benefit of all who want a better life or need YOU, fit and well enough to be the one to take them there.

Be kind to yourself where possible, PLEASE

Our job isn't to carry everyone through life....

but to encourage & offer our full support, where possible.

And always have to be mindful to save our strength to help those who really do need to be carried the most.

I hope your prayers are answered & dad begins looking after himself better.

Best wishes.

 

[Nicki70]

Hi. My father was an alcoholic. He had been all of my life. He was addicted to alcohol. It was his life. He was unpredictable and unstable in his mood and anger when drinking, and often very violent in the household. he held down a well paid job, I went to a good school, he turned up sober for school events etc, but it was all an act. I had many years of resenting him And being hurt and upset by his behaviour, but I loved him. I loved him dearly.

He was a type 2 diabetic that progressed onto using insulin. The thing is he never took care of himself. He never looked after himself in the conventional sense of washing and putting on clean clothes the older and longer his alcoholism existed. His marriage collapsed and subsequent relationships he had never lasted long. He had three children and we all walked away at times. For me it became about my own self preservation at the age of 30. For years I had tried to make It all ok. But, in th end I had to learn that he had an illness,the alcoholism, and that if he did not want to seek help for that then it was his choice and I needed to respect that. He was offered so much help, but did not want it, and decided the way in which he wanted to live life. The day I stopped trying to make him do what I wanted (get sober and take care of himself), the easier life became. It meant he was very likely to die much younger than he may otherwise have done. He did die, at the age of 67. It was very sad. My siblings and I felt that he could have lived longer, but we all accepted that he lived the life he wanted to live. He had choices in life. We never took those choices away from him, but it Was ultimately for him to decide to take those steps to cleaning up his life. It’s so very hard to watch such destructive actions but in the end it was about respecting him, BUT also about respecting myself and my own mental health in the whirlwind of life with him.

His poorly managed his diabetes. Again, in the end, I accepted that was a consequence of other health issues for him - the alcoholism. He accepted the risk of mismanagement and that was his choice. Again, in the end after years of trying to fix the problems I accepted that he made his own decisions and that I should respect that. I never understood it, but I respected that he made his decisions about his life. Was he selfish - yes, I think he was, but if I had a father who loved travelling would I think his absence in my day to day life selfish - probably not so or in the same way. The fact is as humans we all make our choices, the same as with our diabetes we all make our choices. They are our choices. They impact on other people in some ways that we don’t always realise, but still we have to live our lives and make our choices.

I wish you the best of luck in a very difficult situation. Take care of yourself. That’s a choice you have to make about yourself - how much you allow all of this to affect or impact on your life and your choices in life. It’s a delicate balance and that balancing act is different for all of us and all of our different circumstances.

 

[jjraak]

@Nicki70
The win was for the post & positive attitude.

The missing hug is most definitely there, trust me

And if I could, I'd be in that large group standing up & applauding.

Such a tragedy, far too many go through I fear.

But to go through that and come out so strong the other side.

With such tolerance, empathy & sharing such emotions for the sake of others.

Inspiring.


Respect.

 

[Deleted member 489048]

Hi there,

I don't usually post things but I am lost.

My dad was a stay at home dad, my best friend and has always been the handyman of the family. In the last few years his knees has gotten worse and his physical ability has declined. Early this year him and my mother split up, biggest reason was my dad's drug addiction to cocaine. Cocaine has always been around in my life in a recreational way, but my dad took it a bit too extreme. He has gone to treatment for a year but quickly relapsed as soon as he came back.

On top of all of this, my dad has severe depression and is currently unable to work because he is waiting for a double knee replacement (which he won't even get considered if he's using or not managing his diabetes). And his diabetes... Is very poorly managed. When my mom and him were together she would make sure he would take his medications everyday.. she would literally have to bring him a glass of water and his pills and watch him do it or else he wouldn't. When they split up, the first thing I worried about was how my dad was going to cope with it all. I knew he couldnt manage on his own so my husband, my dad and I found a house with a basement suite to live in. I'm only 26 and Carly for my dad fell onto me. My mom would tell me everyday "you have no idea what you're up for" and "you know you're going to have to take care of him now" and I knew... But not to this extent.

His mental and physical health is so out of hand, I don't know what to do anymore. And trust me, I've tried so hard to offer him so much support, and have researched so many support groups for him to look into and done so much for him but I am not a full time nurse. He literally needs 24hr care I swear but he refuses to do so.. and he's only 57 so I can't really force him to do anything. He doesn't take his diabetes medications, or his pain medications, or his antidepressants. He doesn't clean his place... Or himself. I have literally tried dragging him upstairs into the bathroom to shower and he will refuse and tell me to go away and that he's "not ready" .. it's been almost 6 months. He has lost so much weight, I've never seen him so skinny (he was always the big teddy bear kind of guy). He tries to drink water but says it makes him cough... Yet coca Cola is fine? Makes sense hey .. he also barely eats, is so dehydrated and rarely moves because he's been laying down 90% of his days for the past year so he's extremely sore. He was hospitalized a couple of months ago because he went into a diabetic coma with blood sugars over 50, when he came home.. he said he would change but it quickly turned back into the same thing. I've tried so hard to be there for him, clean up for him, make him food, scheduled phone appointments with his doctor (who just tells my dad that he can't help him if he decides not to help himself), feed him his pills, check his blood sugars, go grocery shopping for him... But I can only do so much. He won't allow help from anyone else though. I also have my household to look after too, which includes 2 step kids half time ages 4 and 6, a very long hour hard-working husband and a very energetic dog. I also struggle mentally and have for years, I see a counsellor but she wants me to focus on myself. I can't do that if my dad isn't okay though. My dad has been, and always will be, a huge part of who I am.

I also just found out I am pregnant(10 weeks).. after 2 years of trying with my husband. I never imagined not having my dad around throughout this process, especially once baby comes ... but it's just all too much. I can't leave my dad on his own though, he'd have no where to go and no one left to support him without me.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, I guess maybe for some other people who have maybe gone through something similar? Or I guess any advice at all would help... I love my dad so much, he is my world and it breaks my heart to watch him do this to himself.

Hello islandgirl6464
I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time with your dad. The one thing that stood out for me in all of this is that your dad said he's not ready to get clean. You've shown and given as much support as you can and now you have a baby on the way which requires you to take great care of yourself.
You may have heard this many times by others but unless your dad wants to change his life, his behaviour, his situation there is nothing you can do for him that is going to get him clean. It has to come from him wanting to change as that is 'willingness' and 'acceptance' that he has a problem. I know where you are coming from as I went through similar struggles with a loved one who had addiction. I done what you done with your dad. But until that person decides for themself they want help and want to get clean there is absolutely nothing you can do to help. Yes it does break your heart and it's hell of hard to say 'enough'. People with addiction relapse time and time again. I've seen it. For however long a person gets clean for they can relapse at anytime. The getting clean is the easy part. Is staying clean that is the difficult part. People with addiction need to be taken out of the environment that they are use to, lose the contact with acquaintances. New start somewhere else. This cuts alll ties with old acquaintances and known areas of where to feed his habit. Get professional help on this. Ask your doctor about residential rehab. As this is bigger than you can cope with alone. However be prepared for disappointment as medical professionals are reluctant to help unless the person wants to help themselves. I'm probably not saying anything new to you. You've probably heard this from others. Addiction is selfish, cruel and heartbreaking. You can only do your best for your dad but you have a family of your own to think about.

 

[Jaylee]

Hi @islandgirl6464 ,

Welcome to the forum.

I would agree with your counsellor.

Some of your post echoes with me. I was once in a “relationship” with someone non-diabetic but with similar drug issues & wot not.
There were always reasons to do nothing & take drugs.. It was a nightmare when she was on them. Sometimes OD’ing then refusing an ambulance crew. & even worse when there were no drugs?
I felt like a full time carer. (When I wasn’t at work..) Almost like her dad? Her own father had given up.. I did set her up with counselling, but she wouldn’t play ball..

It was her counsellor that pretty much told me there is no shame in letting her go..
Which was what I did.

You are entitled to your own life with mutual support from family & all the associated emotional reward everyone gets as a family unit.

Best wishes..

 

[Zhnyaka]

I had to try to pull my parent out of alcohol addiction, so I can only say that if a person doesn't want to be helped, you can do anything, but nothing will change. You say that only you can take care of your father, because he doesn't listen to anyone else, but (it hurts to admit, it took me years to do this... and to be honest, I'm still not sure I could do it) you are not responsible for someone else's life and other people's actions, and you can't change them, it's just an illusion that you are able to change another person. And since you are pregnant, such behavior and emotional state can cost the lives of both you and your child. I'm going to say a very cruel thing, but try to hear me: first of all, you have to save yourself, your life is too valuable to give it all to someone else.

 

[islandgirl6464]

Huge hug for all that you are having to deal with.

OMG, Where do you find the strength for all that.

I hope dad realise how lucky he is to have you , though from the post it doesn't look like it, sadly.



Hard truth, but bottom line is we can't MAKE others do what they don't want to do.

There comes a point where we have to move a little bit away or the danger is we are so busy being someone's anchor, that we don't realise we are the ones drowning.


I think this post is you telling yourself that

And THAT is cathartic.

That mental release of tension,
A scream into the void.

Letting go of a cruel reality,
That YOU can't do everything.

None of us can, we all have our limits.


I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't & doubt anyone else will, sadly.

You won't want to hear it, and who would, but sometimes in life, we have to see through the fog and realise how life's battles are going.
And act accordingly.

You sound lovely, and the love & care you have for your dad, is beyond reproach.

However, he's an adult.
Fully able to look after himself, IF he chooses to.


Your new baby (Congratulations btw ) .....can't .

And THAT is where your main focus should be.

I only say that out loud, because I know you know that, but maybe you just need to read that a few times.

As hurtful as it is,
You are bringing a new life into the world, and he or she will be reliant upon you for everything because they won't be able to look after themselves.

Your dad can, but for whatever reasons, chooses not too.

On life's trail, we often have to face the heartbreak of reality.

You WILL be moving on reluctantly or not, for the sake of your family & new born.
With or without your dad.

I don't wish to write him off,
But as difficult as it is,
Mentally you have insulate yourself from the fact, that THIS doesn't end well unless HE wants it too.

And whether you agree or not it's HIS choice.

Yours must be what's best for you and your family.

I hope just the fact you felt the need to post, has helped you reach a conclusion

A way forward that makes some sense of all this.

That works to the benefit of all who want a better life or need YOU, fit and well enough to be the one to take them there.

Be kind to yourself where possible, PLEASE

Our job isn't to carry everyone through life....

but to encourage & offer our full support, where possible.

And always have to be mindful to save our strength to help those who really do need to be carried the most.

I hope your prayers are answered & dad begins looking after himself better.

Best wishes.

Thank you for this, all of it.


I wonder that myself.. it is very hard, most days unfortunately.

You are correct though.. I know, or have heard it from other family members, most of what you are saying already but for some reason reading your words has really made me take a step back and re-focus myself towards the reality of what needs to happen.

He has done so much for me, and because of that I know that deep down, my dad - the one who raised me to be the strong and deeply caring person I am today, would want me to do what is best for me and my growing family.. even if that meant taking a step back from helping him.

My dad actually tells me everyday that he loves me and doesn't know what he would do without me. He is very grateful for everything I do for him.. but he wouldn't have to be if he made better choices for himself and you are correct, he is an adult and can make those choices himself.


Thank you again for your response and your strong and enlightening words. It is much appreciated.


I hope life brings you fulfillment and happiness. You are a very kind soul.

 

[islandgirl6464]

I had to try to pull my parent out of alcohol addiction, so I can only say that if a person doesn't want to be helped, you can do anything, but nothing will change. You say that only you can take care of your father, because he doesn't listen to anyone else, but (it hurts to admit, it took me years to do this... and to be honest, I'm still not sure I could do it) you are not responsible for someone else's life and other people's actions, and you can't change them, it's just an illusion that you are able to change another person. And since you are pregnant, such behavior and emotional state can cost the lives of both you and your child. I'm going to say a very cruel thing, but try to hear me: first of all, you have to save yourself, your life is too valuable to give it all to someone else.

I do not think that is a cruel thing to say at all.. thank you. I needed to hear that.

 

[AndBreathe]

@islandgirl6464 , your father is incredibly luck to have you.

In life there are people who seem to perpetually "need" to be rescued from their own actions and there are "rescuers" for fall into place to do their best to fulfill that function. That's all very well until the rescuing impacts on your own life and probable wellbeing.

Something someone said that stuck with me as being a very important message is, "Who rescues the rescuer?" You can't do everything, and provided your father has capacity in the medical sense, then he is making his decisions, possibly knowing you will provide a safety net to whatever befalls him. Somewhere along the line, something has to give.

It's unspeakably hard observing someone harm themselves, but in your case he is doing it whether or not you are there. I can't say walk away, but I do think you have to ringfence your health and wellbeing - especially as you are about to go through a lifechanging events yourself.

Perhaps a chat with your father about redrawing the boundaries and formalising what support (if any) you will give him - whether that be his shopping, laundry of whatever, but it seems something has to give.

I feel for you and hope that a grandchild might be what he needs to start thinking of the future.

Every best wish and I wish you strength to do the hard stuff ahead.

 

[islandgirl6464]

Hi. My father was an alcoholic. He had been all of my life. He was addicted to alcohol. It was his life. He was unpredictable and unstable in his mood and anger when drinking, and often very violent in the household. he held down a well paid job, I went to a good school, he turned up sober for school events etc, but it was all an act. I had many years of resenting him And being hurt and upset by his behaviour, but I loved him. I loved him dearly.

He was a type 2 diabetic that progressed onto using insulin. The thing is he never took care of himself. He never looked after himself in the conventional sense of washing and putting on clean clothes the older and longer his alcoholism existed. His marriage collapsed and subsequent relationships he had never lasted long. He had three children and we all walked away at times. For me it became about my own self preservation at the age of 30. For years I had tried to make It all ok. But, in th end I had to learn that he had an illness,the alcoholism, and that if he did not want to seek help for that then it was his choice and I needed to respect that. He was offered so much help, but did not want it, and decided the way in which he wanted to live life. The day I stopped trying to make him do what I wanted (get sober and take care of himself), the easier life became. It meant he was very likely to die much younger than he may otherwise have done. He did die, at the age of 67. It was very sad. My siblings and I felt that he could have lived longer, but we all accepted that he lived the life he wanted to live. He had choices in life. We never took those choices away from him, but it Was ultimately for him to decide to take those steps to cleaning up his life. It’s so very hard to watch such destructive actions but in the end it was about respecting him, BUT also about respecting myself and my own mental health in the whirlwind of life with him.

His poorly managed his diabetes. Again, in the end, I accepted that was a consequence of other health issues for him - the alcoholism. He accepted the risk of mismanagement and that was his choice. Again, in the end after years of trying to fix the problems I accepted that he made his own decisions and that I should respect that. I never understood it, but I respected that he made his decisions about his life. Was he selfish - yes, I think he was, but if I had a father who loved travelling would I think his absence in my day to day life selfish - probably not so or in the same way. The fact is as humans we all make our choices, the same as with our diabetes we all make our choices. They are our choices. They impact on other people in some ways that we don’t always realise, but still we have to live our lives and make our choices.

I wish you the best of luck in a very difficult situation. Take care of yourself. That’s a choice you have to make about yourself - how much you allow all of this to affect or impact on your life and your choices in life. It’s a delicate balance and that balancing act is different for all of us and all of our different circumstances.

Wow our story, of course different, is also very much similar. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You are incredible strong and it's honestly very inspiring.

I screenshotted your last paragraph there, I hope you don't mind.. those are words that could relate to any situation, ever, and I don't want to forget them.

I appreciate you replying, a lot.
It will take time for me to come to that level of acceptance. Thank you for sharing with me that it is possible to eventually get to a place where I do finally choose me.. a place where I will be okay choosing me.


Thank you again,
I hope your choices have led you to a life you love. Have a great day

 

[TriciaWs]

Hugs from me too.
I've had to withdraw from my son due to his long-term drug use, after years of trying.
I knew I could not change him but keep hoping for too long, even running up loans to pay his rent when he got into debt again and again. The final line for me was feeling afraid of him and his increasing temper.
In your case it may be the need to protect your baby, and keep your pregnancy healthy, that may give you the strength to let him go.
He is an adult, only he can choose to change. But if you do stop supporting him maybe let him know you would welcome him back as a grandfather when and if he is ready to take responsibility for his life.

 

[jjraak]

Perhaps a chat with your father about redrawing the boundaries and formalising what support (if any) you will give him - whether that be his shopping, laundry of whatever, but it seems something has to give.

I feel for you and hope that a grandchild might be what he needs to start thinking of the future.

Every best wish and I wish you strength to do the hard stuff ahead.

Such a positive, to see that the new grandchild COULD be the catalyst for change.
Like many I do hope you are right.

And good advice about speaking & redrawing the boundaries.

 

[jjraak]

Hugs from me too.
I've had to withdraw from my son due to his long-term drug use, after years of trying.
I knew I could not change him but keep hoping for too long, even running up loans to pay his rent when he got into debt again and again. The final line for me was feeling afraid of him and his increasing temper.
In your case it may be the need to protect your baby, and keep your pregnancy healthy, that may give you the strength to let him go.
He is an adult, only he can choose to change. But if you do stop supporting him maybe let him know you would welcome him back as a grandfather when and if he is ready to take responsibility for his life.

A hug for your own trauma .

Can understand how hard all the situations posted are,
we suffered similar, but with alcohol.

Wise words from you, from such a personal perspective .

Can't fail to be impressed by how loving it is of others to give of their most personal grief to aid someone else struggling.

Respect.