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Terminal and Scared

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Have told Andy he has to start reading this l am only part way through. Got home tonight to be offered bread and butter pudding, l said no this thread was the push.
Kman I have sent you and Wendi a message. l have a lot of reading left to do on this thread and you have a lot of writing left to do so l hope you are not planning on falling off the planet just yet.

Thank you for the inspiration the tears and the reality check.
MID
(Mud Island Dweller)
 
kman said:
I Guess many of you guys will think me weak, silly and pathetic, but honestly, other than that, I hope I'm a nice guy,

I'm 52, just !

I'm very very happily married, we have a 23 year old butter of a son, he's the apple of our eye,

My darling wife is the sweetest, kindest, most understanding person EVER to have walked this earth, and to me the MOST Beautiful too,

OK, you get the picture, All is perfect.

OK except I'm in a wheelchair now, I have to take phone number quantities of drugs each day, just to take the edge from the PAIN I am and never will be free of,

Why ? Well the truth is that almost 19 years of excuses, no real effort, and leaving things too late, I am amongst many other things a Type 2 Diabetic, with almost an entire collection of complications of the Diabetes,

I sit here in the dark, at 6.49 am in terrible pain having had less than an hour's sleep, and I'm balling my eyes out, crying like a new born baby because I'm SCARED,

I'm dying, amongst many things it's due to Diabetic Autonomic Neuropathy, I also have End Organ Damage, and a multitude of other problems,

It's too late for me, I can't be saved,

So WHY am I here now ?

Really because I needed to scream, and I guess to warn you all, PLEASE look after yourselves, DON'T let you'd Diabetes get out of control, be GOOD, be SAFE,

DON'T be ME !!!
Click to expand...

I know how you feel I was diagnoised 7 years ago and 90% of the time my bgs have been perfect, 7 months ago I was chasing round after a toddler, before going into hospital with a 9 cm blood clot in my upper arm which made my fingers start to turn black, now I can only walk 10 - 20 steps before I have to sit down cos the pain is so bad. I've had to borrow crutches off someone to enable me to walk round the house, I can't even stand long enough to make a cup of tea.

I have several accidents a day as I can't get to the toilet quick enough I've borrowed a wheelchair from someone so I can get to get any appointments I have otherwise I'm just trapped in my house I feel like a prisoner in my own house.

I'm only 45 is this all I've got to look forward to? what's the point ? As my partner keeps saying 'its not like its gonna any better next stage is amputation'.

Thank God I've got my daughter who still needs me even though she's an adult now cos she autistic otherwise I wouldn't be here if this is all I've got to look forward to.

I take it one day at a time each night I go to bed I think that's one more day closer to the end of the pain, humiliation and isolation that I feel.
 
This morning I woke feeling pretty good, we'd laid in late, I had breakfast, and whilst thinking about what to do with my day, orderly over me, the Pain filled every nerve and every fibre in my body, I wasn't even able to stand, My breathing was difficult and I was dizzy, this was whilst sitting,

Do you ever get that, a false sense of security then it hits from nowhere, I get it with headaches too, anyway by now I was feeling really lousy, and the rest of the day looked bleak,

Unable to do almost anything Wendie and Dayne had to look after me, please Don't think I'm lazy, really I'm not, it's that sometimes my useless body just won't. do anything, and I mean that literally, remember too this body is dying, No don't feel sorry just understand the consequences of ignoring the Drs and my body for years,

Sitting watching TV, bored to tears, and talking to Wendie, I had no warning at all, I
didn't even know I was going to fart, except I didn't, and I was in a real mess, I just burst into tears, not just a little, but I wept hard, inconsolable, hating my body and all that was happening, at that moment, I wanted to Die right where I sat, life just seemed intolerable, the Pain, the uselessness and the inability to do much at all myself,

Waiting, hoping for a new life, the new house part of the new life, but in real terms for me little changed, the new Electric Wheelchair still a month away as it has been delayed by an extra 2 weeks, even though to weeks had already been added for Christmas and New Year, that was a great disappointment and ruined several plans,

The added pain of a now rather bad case of Cellulitus on my lower leg,giving yet more pain to cope with, and again don't feel sorry for me just see where I'm going, the path I'm on, and please don't be ME, Don't Die like this, the forms n t and anguish that comes from dying from something I caused,

I can't begin to tell you how hard this on all the family, not just me, not even Mainly on me, I see the anguish and love nd absolute terror on Wendies face, the anger my son feels that I'm dying so soon, he put 5 holes in a cupboard door at our previous place when Wendie first told him, I was still in Hospital then,

Don't see you family go through this Agony, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Don't let me die for nothing, take on board my message, understand my motivation, I'm not here to save anyone, or to be a hero, I'm just trying to point all of you to a less painful less soul destroying path to follow,

Believe me I'm not being self indulgent or self pitying, for me there is no hope and very Little future, but for all of you to see just how gut wrenching dying from Diabetes and its complications is, saving your own life medallist simple 1) Listen to your Body, 2) Listen to your Diabetic Team, 3) Listen to other experts and Des you might be sent to, 4) Listen to your Family and friends, 5) Eat sensibly, 6) Excercise Sensibly 7) Don't Die for a very very long time 8) If you are going to ignore my warning, then go the whole hog ... and come swap places with me ... Now go back and read this post again, better still read all my posts in this thread again, now do you STILL want to swap places ???



ADDENDUM I have just come here onto forum to paste the above post, but nearly didn't due to the two posts above it, both very touching and I will be in touch with both ladies by PM ASAP, Don't think me insensitive, but I felt my experience today very important to explain what might lay ahead on the bad days if people ignore their Diabetes and their Drs, and their body, I am still feeling at my lowest and most painful state ever, give me just a little time, Please,
 
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Reality check for my cook/husband, he didn't just read the first post as l suggested (but hoped he would read more) he is slowly reading through, Dyslexia means it is slow but he said that it isnt just Kman it is everyone on here is opening his eyes to why l am as l am over food and exercise. He has found it emotional and an eye opener and giving him a respect for those with diabetes, and can see why l am hassling him over exercise even more now and diet.

MID
 
Hi Kevin,
Sorry it's been **** for u and no I don't feel sorry for u I feel anger and helplessness . Why do people have to go through what you are now
There are rapists and murderers living a life of Riley
If I lived near you I would gladly give u all the time and support and your family cos your log has made a difference to how I will be handling my diabetes from now on from the bottom if my heart thankyou Kevin and please hang in there use all the energy to you can to fight it take care Karen x
 
Hi Kevin,
Sorry it's been **** for u and no I don't feel sorry for u I feel anger and helplessness . Why do people have to go through what you are now
There are rapists and murderers living a life of Riley
If I lived near you I would gladly give u all the time and support and your family cos your log has made a difference to how I will be handling my diabetes from now on from the bottom if my heart thankyou Kevin and please hang in there use all the energy to you can to fight it take care Karen x
 
Hi Kevin,
Just a quick one I meant to mention that after my fall at work I ended up with nerve damage in my knee one scan and one X-ray later at the hosp I worked at they sacked me saying I had had plenty of time to sort my knee out I went from working between 45-60 hours a week because they were short staffed and being on my own its not much fun going home to an empty house 3yrs later I was on morphine which I am still on and then diag with type 2, tabs first now an victoza injec pen my pain I assume is no where near yours I suffer cronic dep all I wanted to was go back to my job caring for the elderly ,dying and others I considered ending my life and every day it crosses my mind but I get angry for being a failure reading your blogs has hit home thankyou for saving me love to you and your family chat soon Karen x
 
kman said:
NicolaB70,

That's the whole reason we are moving to the new house, we live in a council flat, middle of 3. Floors, and.14 Steps up to the flat. .... No chance of a scooter or powerchair here, where as the new house is adapted and I will have somewhere for the chair to be charged up, and stored safely in our new garage, hey the solar panel on the roof will hopefully cover the cost of charging it. :thumbup:

I'm sorry your in such a wheelchair unfriendly property, I hope it has some advantages at least,

OT. Also meeting us there to assess if the house meets my needs properly, I wonder if I have a say in it ???
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Great you are moving to a new house.. My flat is on 14th floor but I am not able to move to new house..Good for you
 
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Sorry Nicola, We got lucky I guess, though being terminally ill helped LOL, As did the fact that the OF was absolutely outraged that we hadn't been moved before, her report INSISTED we were moved as an Emergency Case, we caused a delay due to problems sorting a date with the Removals Firm, We moved in just 2 1/2. Weeks ago, but hopefully that and the chair will give me at least some independence for the little time I have left, and spare Wendie the pain she's been through,

So Sorry your in such an awful position, believe it or not here in Leicester there was a flat converted for wheelchair on the 23rd floor. ... let's hope no fire, No lift during fire. ... Anyone have a parachute. ?

Mood better today, body function better, pain not a lot better !
 
skeleton-182x300.jpg At the risk of being moaned at l thought l would bring a bit of humour in for Kman and others because every so often a laugh is the best medicine.
Dieting can be overdone........
 
On a long enough time line-the survival rate drops to zero for everyone. We are here for no more than a blink of an eye.

FB
 
HI FB, Nice to see you still pop in to the thread, I'm going to pin my eyelids open ... LOL. No blinking !
 
Hi Kevin
Sorry to hear you've been to hell and back again. I can't imagine for a moment the pain you are going through. I certainly don't want to experience it. It must be awful waiting for your new wheels only to be told there are delays. I hope you get the independence you yearn for soon. You deserve it. I must admit I dropped off the healthy lifestyle (that you inspired me to begin) over Xmas and put back on a few pounds. However, I'm back on it now so fingers crossed.
All the best for 2014 and beyond to you and your family....
Dave...
 
"HI FB, Nice to see you still pop in to the thread, I'm going to pin my eyelids open ... LOL. No blinking !"

Hi Kman nice to see you are still squeezing my melon-here's to you squeezing my melon this time next year.

FB
 
Thanks Mad Dad, a pleasure to have you stick around, I'm fighting all the way, Thanks Again for the help,
 
Hi kman hope things work out for you you are gathering more people who are trying to take your advice myself included your message is certainly working thank you
 
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