Designerman 1
Member
I have sat in the sun and tried to make sense of everything in my life today, and the changes that have happened within me.
It was an error to vent my feelings in this thread like I did last night, I guess the feeling overtook me and I just needed an outlet. However, It won't be happening again. Venting my feelings here is not constructive, or helpful.
This will probably be my last post in this thread, and possibly this forum, certainly in the short term at the very least. I will still reply to messages should anyone feel the need.
I have realised a few things today, firstly, that I have changed mentally in an enormous way over the past 15 months since diagnosis and getting my blood sugars under control, in fact I would go so far as to say I am no longer the same person I was pre-diagnosis. It is like something that's been sleeping inside me since adulthood has awoken, could I have had high blood sugars my entire adult life? it is possible.
And on that subject my awakening to self-image that some may see as masculine vanity, which it may well be, but this is an entirely new feeling to me...I have never had this feeling before, I remember as a teenager Aunties saying to me "You'll be out clothes shopping soon, buying all the designer brands to look trendy" - Nope, not even once. In fact, I remember feeling like a detached observer to many events in my late teens onward - that has all changed however.
In a way, my work, as a designer, and everything I do creatively in my spare time, like produce music, illustrate, or design work for products and even play computer games, all of it forces you to fulfil the role of observer by detaching yourself in the process of creation - something I seemed to be able to do with great ease. Interestingly, I have struggled to play computer games over the past 12 months or so, I can't help but feel it is all interlinked.
It's like I never realised I was me, until now. And I've finally grown up.
I am convinced blood sugar control has lessened feelings of depersonalisation that I have experienced for years, this I guess is the "fogged" brain I have talked about.
This feeling transfers over to my awareness of my own self image. 2 years ago, I never looked in the mirror - I ignored myself, now, as restricted the view of myself is due to lack of mirrors, I look at myself every day, and it isn't pretty. Of course, I've lost 4.5 stone, but the damage is there: stretchmarks, flab, pasty skin, still the chubby cheeks and a double chin, I am not a creature of beauty. But I am getting thinner, the flab is shrinking, the angles of my cheekbones are gradually appearing. A friend at the gym put it so well several days ago(Who is coincidentally a T1) when he said: "You are no longer fat, merely overweight".
My weight is a war, I've been running some successful campaigns, but it is a war. I am clearly winning, but it is taking time and I will not rest until I have won. Totally and completely.
And when I have won, I will test my BG after drinking a can of lucozade, to see how much it rises(and going to the gym after 2 hrs if it rises too much!)
I'm convinced now the problem lies with me, and the changes that have occurred within my post diabetes diagnosis, my partner is struggling to adapt to my change, in a sense it is my 'own fault' for getting this disease. What will come of the future, who knows?
But, I'd like to take the time to thank EVERYONE that has posted in this thread, because every single one of your viewpoints have made me think about my situation and how to resolve it. That resolution hasn't happened of course, but time will tell, and as I have posted frequently here, I still love my partner and would hate to hurt her.
Peace, love and goodbye for now.
x
Designerman 1
It was an error to vent my feelings in this thread like I did last night, I guess the feeling overtook me and I just needed an outlet. However, It won't be happening again. Venting my feelings here is not constructive, or helpful.
This will probably be my last post in this thread, and possibly this forum, certainly in the short term at the very least. I will still reply to messages should anyone feel the need.
I have realised a few things today, firstly, that I have changed mentally in an enormous way over the past 15 months since diagnosis and getting my blood sugars under control, in fact I would go so far as to say I am no longer the same person I was pre-diagnosis. It is like something that's been sleeping inside me since adulthood has awoken, could I have had high blood sugars my entire adult life? it is possible.
And on that subject my awakening to self-image that some may see as masculine vanity, which it may well be, but this is an entirely new feeling to me...I have never had this feeling before, I remember as a teenager Aunties saying to me "You'll be out clothes shopping soon, buying all the designer brands to look trendy" - Nope, not even once. In fact, I remember feeling like a detached observer to many events in my late teens onward - that has all changed however.
In a way, my work, as a designer, and everything I do creatively in my spare time, like produce music, illustrate, or design work for products and even play computer games, all of it forces you to fulfil the role of observer by detaching yourself in the process of creation - something I seemed to be able to do with great ease. Interestingly, I have struggled to play computer games over the past 12 months or so, I can't help but feel it is all interlinked.
It's like I never realised I was me, until now. And I've finally grown up.
I am convinced blood sugar control has lessened feelings of depersonalisation that I have experienced for years, this I guess is the "fogged" brain I have talked about.
This feeling transfers over to my awareness of my own self image. 2 years ago, I never looked in the mirror - I ignored myself, now, as restricted the view of myself is due to lack of mirrors, I look at myself every day, and it isn't pretty. Of course, I've lost 4.5 stone, but the damage is there: stretchmarks, flab, pasty skin, still the chubby cheeks and a double chin, I am not a creature of beauty. But I am getting thinner, the flab is shrinking, the angles of my cheekbones are gradually appearing. A friend at the gym put it so well several days ago(Who is coincidentally a T1) when he said: "You are no longer fat, merely overweight".
My weight is a war, I've been running some successful campaigns, but it is a war. I am clearly winning, but it is taking time and I will not rest until I have won. Totally and completely.
And when I have won, I will test my BG after drinking a can of lucozade, to see how much it rises(and going to the gym after 2 hrs if it rises too much!)
I'm convinced now the problem lies with me, and the changes that have occurred within my post diabetes diagnosis, my partner is struggling to adapt to my change, in a sense it is my 'own fault' for getting this disease. What will come of the future, who knows?
But, I'd like to take the time to thank EVERYONE that has posted in this thread, because every single one of your viewpoints have made me think about my situation and how to resolve it. That resolution hasn't happened of course, but time will tell, and as I have posted frequently here, I still love my partner and would hate to hurt her.
Peace, love and goodbye for now.
x
Designerman 1
...Lunarlinda has just eloquently expressed what I wanted to but couldn't.
