• Guest - w'd love to know what you think about the forum! Take the 2025 Survey »

Vastly Improved Blood Sugars - Midlife Crisis?

I have sat in the sun and tried to make sense of everything in my life today, and the changes that have happened within me.

It was an error to vent my feelings in this thread like I did last night, I guess the feeling overtook me and I just needed an outlet. However, It won't be happening again. Venting my feelings here is not constructive, or helpful.

This will probably be my last post in this thread, and possibly this forum, certainly in the short term at the very least. I will still reply to messages should anyone feel the need.

I have realised a few things today, firstly, that I have changed mentally in an enormous way over the past 15 months since diagnosis and getting my blood sugars under control, in fact I would go so far as to say I am no longer the same person I was pre-diagnosis. It is like something that's been sleeping inside me since adulthood has awoken, could I have had high blood sugars my entire adult life? it is possible.

And on that subject my awakening to self-image that some may see as masculine vanity, which it may well be, but this is an entirely new feeling to me...I have never had this feeling before, I remember as a teenager Aunties saying to me "You'll be out clothes shopping soon, buying all the designer brands to look trendy" - Nope, not even once. In fact, I remember feeling like a detached observer to many events in my late teens onward - that has all changed however.

In a way, my work, as a designer, and everything I do creatively in my spare time, like produce music, illustrate, or design work for products and even play computer games, all of it forces you to fulfil the role of observer by detaching yourself in the process of creation - something I seemed to be able to do with great ease. Interestingly, I have struggled to play computer games over the past 12 months or so, I can't help but feel it is all interlinked.

It's like I never realised I was me, until now. And I've finally grown up.

I am convinced blood sugar control has lessened feelings of depersonalisation that I have experienced for years, this I guess is the "fogged" brain I have talked about.

This feeling transfers over to my awareness of my own self image. 2 years ago, I never looked in the mirror - I ignored myself, now, as restricted the view of myself is due to lack of mirrors, I look at myself every day, and it isn't pretty. Of course, I've lost 4.5 stone, but the damage is there: stretchmarks, flab, pasty skin, still the chubby cheeks and a double chin, I am not a creature of beauty. But I am getting thinner, the flab is shrinking, the angles of my cheekbones are gradually appearing. A friend at the gym put it so well several days ago(Who is coincidentally a T1) when he said: "You are no longer fat, merely overweight".

My weight is a war, I've been running some successful campaigns, but it is a war. I am clearly winning, but it is taking time and I will not rest until I have won. Totally and completely.

And when I have won, I will test my BG after drinking a can of lucozade, to see how much it rises(and going to the gym after 2 hrs if it rises too much!)

I'm convinced now the problem lies with me, and the changes that have occurred within my post diabetes diagnosis, my partner is struggling to adapt to my change, in a sense it is my 'own fault' for getting this disease. What will come of the future, who knows?

But, I'd like to take the time to thank EVERYONE that has posted in this thread, because every single one of your viewpoints have made me think about my situation and how to resolve it. That resolution hasn't happened of course, but time will tell, and as I have posted frequently here, I still love my partner and would hate to hurt her.

Peace, love and goodbye for now.

x

Designerman 1
 
Got to say designerman I admire you.

Because you are the first man I know that can articulate his feelings and thoughts so beautifully. True admiration.

Life is what you make it... Your choices, nobody else's. You will win the war, I know you will and again admire the fighting spirit that you have found within you to conquer this battle.

I wish you all the best, as we all will I know.

You have reminded me of a butterfly tonight emerging with its wings from the chrysalis shell... Good on you for having strength, wisdom and fortitude to realise these things about yourself. Many people don't... Good for you..


Sent from the Diabetes Forum App
 
Hi Designerman, go with the flow and keep it up, keep changing. It seems you have some catching up in that area to do so a lot of new avenues to explore. But keep us posted on your emotional evolution.

A new body as in a great weight loss can be exhilarating but not eternally, there are other things to be considered too.
 
All the best for the future Designerman 1. Well done for sharing.
 
A good "last post", as it were, Designerman.

I feel happier reading your latest post that you seem to have moved forward from your original posts.

Irrespective of what diseases come our way, we all change over time, it's natural as we age. Sometimes they are changes for the better, sometimes they are challenges and we have to learn to overcome them, or give up and just accept our lot.

You are on the journey of improving your life now, so can actually be thankful for your diagnosis, it has changed your life, for the better.

We have individual, personal journeys to walk on this earth, and we should only surround ourselves with people that lift our spirits.

We create our own world but become slaves to the things we have; relationships, houses, jobs, and they actually stop us from being free, and that is when the conflict arises as we don't know whether to follow our head or our heart.

Anon quote

" Living a life of your own choosing involves the unquestionable willingness to endure the slings and arrows that could come your way when you respond to your inner knowing, rather than to the opinions of your family."

There is no reason to purport blame at any time to what has happened to you and your partner over the last few years. You have experienced many years of sharing the good and bad times, as does everyone on this earth, but you must listen to your inner voice, which, in my opinion is now guiding you and has led you to a crossroads. Crossroads mean you now have a choice as to which path you choose to take to progress on your personal journey.

This is your decision, and yours alone. You choose, based on your thinking at the time. There is no right or wrong path, they will just lead you to different destinations, but life isn't a destination, it's a journey.

Taking control of your destiny is up to you. My motto is, " I'd rather be loathed for who I am rather than loved for who I am not."

One path will be harder to travel than the other. You choose, a conscious decision, then you can't blame anyone else for the situations you find yourself in, you have created your own world, no one else.

"The Hell to be endured hereafter of which theology tells, is no worse than the Hell we make for ourselves in This world. By habitually fashioning our characters in the wrong way...... we are spinning our own fates, good or evil." William James.

Only you can decide what happens to you now as you move forward, but you won't move very much further as you are at the crossroads, and a decision is inevitable.

I sincerely hope you choose the right path for yourself, your essence, spirit, soul, whatever term you prefer, ( and well done if you do, most of us get it wrong, and some, repeatedly so.) (Me)
:banghead:

But whatever you choose, remember it is Your choosing. Be true to yourself.

All the Best to you Both.

Love and Light. xx xx
 
Yep....what she said!......:) ...Lunarlinda has just eloquently expressed what I wanted to but couldn't.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Very sad...this thread is the story of perhaps a breakup of a relationship, of which a diabetes diagnosis was only a small part I feel....I hope Designerman 1 that both you and your OH can move on and find contentment....I was going to say 'happiness' but happiness is transient...
 
Back
Top