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Where did I go wrong . . .?

Discussion in 'Ask A Question' started by Dougal, Apr 23, 2013.

  1. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I suppose I just need to get this off my chest. I have read so many posts here about Diabetics suffering from depression, I suffer horribly although I lack the good reasons that many other people have for being depressed.

    My Diabetes has always been extremely difficult to manage and I thought that getting a pump last November would be the start of a whole new me. Please don't get me wrong - I think it is very good and has made controlling my Diabetes easier, although a lot more work. I think I am just tired, so very, very tired of being Diabetic . . .

    I am sitting here writing this in tears, I have been in tears for 3 days, unable to sleep or even think straight. I felt my depression starting again about 2 months ago, so I increased my excercise and even started practising Mindfulness in order to deal with it myself. But now I am worried that I am going to do something really, really stupid.

    I have no friends, as I work from home with my husband. I am very shy and feel extremely awkward in social situations, so tend to shy away from them. I am overweight and extremely embarassed by this - I even decided to try a low-carb diet to lose some weight and help my Diabetes, but within 3 days my bloodsugars were sky high and I felt even worse. I did lose 4lbs, but since going back onto slightly higher carbs (max 50g) I have put it all back on. I am so very ashamed of myself :oops:

    I am tired ALL the time, and get absolutely no joy out of life. I do enjoy reading all of everyone's success stories and how most people are very supportive and helpful, but it only serves to remind me of my failures . . . I very seldom feel hungry, so I have to fight to get myself to eat. I downloaded myfitnesspal to see how much I am eating etc, to try to work out why I am not losing weight, but according to it I am only managing to eat about 650 - 700 calories per day this, it tells me, is not sufficient to get the correct nutrients.

    I tried to be brave this afternoon and make an appointment to see a GP, but the earliest appointment is next week Wednesday. I booked it anyway. I would appreciate any help . . . . . :?
     
  2. mo1905

    mo1905 Type 1 · BANNED

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    Hated reading this knowing how upset you were writing it ! I am not that good with inspirational motivation but I think it's a good sign that you've actually posted your thoughts !
    I wish I could give you a cuddle and say it will be all better but I can't :-(
    I will send you a "virtual hug" though and hope you can move forward and put these awful feelings behind you one day ! It really sounds like you need some help and support right now. Good move to book up and see a doc. Please keep me updated with your progress and don't do anything silly ;-)
     
  3. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Mo1905, thank you so much for responding to my post - I was starting to think that I had failed again. Thank you too for the virtual hug and the support, I cannot tell you how grateful I am.

    I'm going to try to get a telephone appointment with a GP tomorrow. Will let you know how I get on.

    Thank you again :)


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  4. czj

    czj Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the way you do, but I am glad that you were able to post. Everyone here would help if we could as we are all in the same boat, we all know how hard this can be.

    Hope you get that telephone appointment.
     
  5. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Thank you czj, I am so overwhelmed by the fact that 2 of you have been so friendly that I've started crying again!


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  6. kerrycakes

    kerrycakes · Active Member

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    I know how it feels to feel you are failing, but one thing proves you are not and that is that you are going to the gp for help, which is an incredibly amazingly brave thing to do!
    Keep fighting the fight xx

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  7. coco4

    coco4 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Dougal sending you big hugs. I know exactly how you feel. Some days I just cry and cry feeling I cannot deal with this condition anymore. It's not even been 2 years yet, but the little confidence I had as a person before being diagnosed with Type 1 has all gone. Only last night my husband told me I had given up on life and I think he's right. I'm scared to go out even on the shortest of trips because of testing and then if I eat out finding somewhere to inject. Sometimes I feel so selfish because I know I am spoiling my husband's life, but I feel diabetes has robbed me of what was me and I can't get the person I was back. Sorry no help or encouragement to you at all, but wanted you to know you are understood and you are not alone. Good luck at the GPs. Perhaps we can fight together.
     
  8. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Coco4, thank you for taking the time to respond. I really am grateful. It is wonderful to know that I am not alone, I do feel very alone most of the time. Of course we can fight together! You could be my first friend :)


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  9. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Kerrycakes, thank you but it is not brave - it is really the only choice i think i have left. Thanks for the support :)


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  10. Rosebud

    Rosebud · Active Member

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    Hi Dougal
    Don't despair. I have days when I don't want to get out of bed because I feel so ****** off at being diabectic and when I eventually get myself up and into work( I am a nurse). I see other people much worst than me who have terminal illness and my heart breaks for them. I know diabetes is terrible but it's controllable so don't be sad be glad enjoy your life as I am trying to do.
    I worry about weight and struggle every day to eat healthy some days I'm good other days I'm bad
    This site helps me a lot
    So I'm sending you a hug from Ireland
    Keep well
    Rosebud


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  11. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Rosebud, thank you for your response. I think I have been selfish, thinking that I am the only one. You are absolutely right, there are so many people worse off than me. But just because it's invisible, doesn't mean that it isn't there. I just don't understand what it will take to make me happy. Perhaps I expect too much - I work hard to make everything perfect, and when it doesn't turn out right I feel like a complete failure. I am my own worst critic. My dad always used to tell me that I shouldn't put myself down as there are so many other people out there ready to do it for free! Sending you a return hug from Basingstoke. :)


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  12. WhitbyJet

    WhitbyJet · Well-Known Member

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    Dougal and coco
    I just wanted to send you both big hugs and white light.
    You are both so brave strong people. It's so hard to battle on with day to day life despite feeling so desperately sad and lonely.
    You both have made a good move by posting so honestly about your feelings. Please seek the help that you so badly need don't be shy we all have times when we feel the need to let go and find some people to lean on for a while until we have found our feet again.
    I am type 2 so cannot really speak to not about your diabetes but I care about you both and I wish you strength and that you can enjoy life once more.
    Hang in there, it HAS to get better again. Come back to the forum let us know how you get on. Don't feel alone, people in here care deeply
    Feel free to send me a PM any time x x
     
  13. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Thank you WhitbyJet, you have made me cry again! I am just so surprised at how much you care. I am finding it difficult to care about myself at the moment, never mind someone I've never met. All the replies I have received tonight have made me more determined to get the help that I need. Thank you for the support. I appreciate it more than I will ever be able to express. Now I don't want to let any of you down either. I will live to fight another day. Thank you. :)


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  14. coco4

    coco4 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Dougal would love to be your friend. Thanks to you Whitbyjet for your hugs and kind thoughts.
     
  15. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Isn't life strange! I posted tonight feeling extremely low and worthless, but have found a friend who understands. This is not what I expected. I am so grateful. Thank you Coco4! :-D


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  16. SewK8

    SewK8 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Dougal

    I read your 1st post and thought I had written it. I have had depression for many yes but the last 3 or 4 months have been the worst ever. I have been type 1 for almost 30 yrs now and have never really accepted it. Last week I went to a new clinic and met some really nice and understanding docs and DSN and don't feel quite so alone now. At the moment I take one day at a time as I am finding things very hard, but hope with time and the new support network at the Hosp, things will get better.

    You're not alone

    Kat xx


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  17. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Kat,
    Thank you for taking the time to respond. We sound very similar, I have been T1 for nearly 27 years. My very first consultant told me not to bother injecting or testing, as I was unlikely to see 16 (I was 13 at the time)!
    I, too, have had a hard time accepting it and I fight with it every day.
    I really hope that your new team will give you the support to help you through.
    Ashleigh


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  18. SewK8

    SewK8 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Ashleigh. I was told I wouldn't make it past 40, was 11 when diagnosed, and I turn 40 this yr. docs in the 1980's were so un knowledgeable about things but am so pleased things have progressed for new people now.
    Maybe we can keep in touch?

    Kat




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  19. Dougal

    Dougal Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Kat,
    I would really like to stay in touch, now that I have 2 new friends! I really hope I don't mess this up.
    Ashleigh


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  20. mo1905

    mo1905 Type 1 · BANNED

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