Thanks all for kind words and even though I hit the sensor, I can't even be bothered to post that.
Having no job is not a fad, not a passing phase, not a 'oh something will come along in a minute' deal. It is a gnawing anxiety that leaves me too exhausted to even go through the quite frankly futile motions updating my professional portfolio just because it isn't up to date with latest stuff.
I am going through the motions with my own site but I really have no idea why I am bothering. It cost me more than it makes.
I only have what I am getting in rent, but having been in the position where that dries up it is not a guaranteed income. And it is barely enough to cover expenses. The rent from my late mother's bungalow has not been at full strength since the tenants moved in and is consistently short and was again this month because of incoming bills and £300 short might not sound like much but it is massive when you factor in bills, food bills, repairing things in the house...
I owe a friend £900 for bailing me out when someone I let the room out to caused more financial damage than I received in rent. I owe £700 for a deferred tax bill and my buffer for emergencies would not cover a major expense like a boiler needing replacing for example.
This is not me having a bit of a mood. This is a crippling sense of anxiety that I have NO JOB, NO FUTURE, AND NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NEXT.
I know your words and hugs have come from a place of concern. All they have done is make me feel even more of a failure for apparently not bucking up my ideas and doing something else or just believing things will get better eventually. I can't eat air. I will get to a stage where I can't afford basics. So telling me better days will come is not in the least bit helpful to me. I said as much to depressed friend's mate who HAS a job so of course she can sit on her plump backside and tell me once this year is over things will get better. SHE GETS PAID EVERY MONTH. Even depressed friend who is whining about how her insurance is reducing her proportion of salary as she has been off sick for almost two years is being paid a percentage of a large salary. Every month.
So thanks all, but until I can even muster up the motivation to go through the motions for things I no longer have any self-belief in, then I am no good to anyone. Least of all any of you,
