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Type 1 Diabetes is killing me

Hi IndiaEmily. I was diagnosed as a child and have not had diabetes for over 25 years. When I was young, my parents did most of the testing and injecting. As I got older, I took more responsibility. I started to really struggle when I was 14. Like you, I didn't want to accept it. My sugars always ran high, I would skip injections, not test for weeks on end. I was admitted to hospital with DKA when I was 17. I hoped that it would be the wake up call that I needed but I still really struggled. This carried on until I was in my early twenties.

Like you, I suffer from depression. I was put on tablets when I was 15. The dosage has varied, which is fairly normal. I found it really hard to seek help in the first instance. I hated talking about my diabetes or admitting that I was struggling with depression. I got dragged, literally kicking and screaming, by my parents to see a psychiatrist just before my 15th birthday. It just didn't work for me. I didn't want or feel ready to talk so just clammed up and ended up going home and self harming fairly extensively. A few months later I went to see my doctor and told her that I was struggling. She was lovely. I explained that I felt nervous and very uncomfortable talking so she suggested some alternative forms of treatment to me. Took a little while for things to settle but, I felt much better within a few months.

Of course, the issue dealing with my diabetes remained. I was 23 before I really started to take any responsibility for this. I'm not going to say it was easy but I did get there. I'm now in my thirties and my control is much better. I feel better, I look better and I always wonder why I didn't do something sooner.

You say your diabetes is killing you. You are letting it. It can be hard to love with at times but only you can make things change. The fact that you have posted suggests to me that you want to.

You need to find a way to deal with things that works for you. Just make sure you do it sooner rather than later. Help is out there but you need to accept it. Talk to your doctor and work together to find a treatment plan that works for you.

Em
X
 
indiaemily said:
I'm not sure because I don't think about diabetes when I eat food, I don't carb count I don't think to take my insulin when I eat so maybe it's something else but God knows what x
Click to expand...

Do you actually forget about taking insulin, or do you have fleeting thoughts that you should take insulin, but reject the choice?

I know when diagnosed, it took a while to get into the swing of my testing regime, which I addressed by using alarms on my phone.

What concerns me, if I'm honest, indiaemily is that in your communication currently, you are making statements how you will be when you leave hospital which suggest you will just start the loop all over again. I see absolutely NO, and I mean NO suggestion from you that you are thinking about any changes whatsoever.

As a T2, I have no personal experience of taking medication, never mind insulin or a pump. I have no idea if a pump would be good for you, as you do still have to tell the pump what to do, and the effort at the outset is quite considerable, as I understand it. But I have an observation.

Your main reason to reject the pump is you don't want anything tethered to you, as a permanent reminder of your diabetes, and you don't want it controlling you, but what's controlling you now? You diabetes is controlling you. Absolutely - 100%. You're not exactly in your favourite place, doing your favourite things right now, are you? Are you in control of your life in there? No? I thought not.

By acting as you have been, you are giving over all control to diabetes, and some of that could have long term implications; not just for the next few days while you're in there. If you don't want diabetes to be in control, then you have to do something. Doing nothing just isn't working for you, and do you know what? It's not going to work any better next week or next month.

For someone who wants control, you aren't walking that walk.

I know this has been a hard hitting message, but somewhere along the line it needed to be said. I do feel for you, but the unfortunate fact is that all actions are with you. you want control? Get on and take it in some way.

Start with some baby steps. there's no point is promising yourself to go from doing nothing to perfect control in one step. That's not reasonable. Perhaps read my initial post in your thread where I suggest some smaller things you might consider to get you going.

But, to sign off, if you continue to do as you have done, the results can only be the same, at best.
 
Elc1112 said:
Hi IndiaEmily. I was diagnosed as a child and have not had diabetes for over 25 years. When I was young, my parents did most of the testing and injecting. As I got older, I took more responsibility. I started to really struggle when I was 14. Like you, I didn't want to accept it. My sugars always ran high, I would skip injections, not test for weeks on end. I was admitted to hospital with DKA when I was 17. I hoped that it would be the wake up call that I needed but I still really struggled. This carried on until I was in my early twenties.

Like you, I suffer from depression. I was put on tablets when I was 15. The dosage has varied, which is fairly normal. I found it really hard to seek help in the first instance. I hated talking about my diabetes or admitting that I was struggling with depression. I got dragged, literally kicking and screaming, by my parents to see a psychiatrist just before my 15th birthday. It just didn't work for me. I didn't want or feel ready to talk so just clammed up and ended up going home and self harming fairly extensively. A few months later I went to see my doctor and told her that I was struggling. She was lovely. I explained that I felt nervous and very uncomfortable talking so she suggested some alternative forms of treatment to me. Took a little while for things to settle but, I felt much better within a few months.

Of course, the issue dealing with my diabetes remained. I was 23 before I really started to take any responsibility for this. I'm not going to say it was easy but I did get there. I'm now in my thirties and my control is much better. I feel better, I look better and I always wonder why I didn't do something sooner.

You say your diabetes is killing you. You are letting it. It can be hard to love with at times but only you can make things change. The fact that you have posted suggests to me that you want to.

You need to find a way to deal with things that works for you. Just make sure you do it sooner rather than later. Help is out there but you need to accept it. Talk to your doctor and work together to find a treatment plan that works for you.

Em
X
Click to expand...

Yes other therapies than talking are great. My health trust offers acupuncture and reflexology amongst others. I had the reflexology when I suffered severe clinical depression and it was great. X
 
thank you x
the new regime still isn't working for me, which is making me really fed up. I've just been hit with feeling really low right in the face and now I'm contemplating overdosing on novorapid because they don't lock it up anymore it's in my possession, **** sake x
 
I think it's still too soon to know with the new regime. Please let them/someone know you're feeling suicidal. I know it's so tempting when life is so awful but there is light qt the end of the tunnel if you can just hang on. I know you can't see it & probably don't believe me but it's true. I'm giving you a massive hug. It's ok, you can lean on me. Xx
 
Just try to get through the next 5 minutes, even one minute at a time if that's what it takes. Just hang on. Xx
 
Indiaemily

Have to ask this... What would make things better for you? This isn't all about diabetes is it?
 
diabetes is literally still the last thing I give a **** about at the moment but because it doesn't seem to be working I'm fed up to the point where I'm like, even if I try it's not working so why am I bothering. until this point I have never ever considered a novorapid overdose, things are too hard
 
Ok, but you haven't answered my question.. You're saying you don't care about your diabetes.. Ok, accept that.

What you have not said is what would make you happy?

You're denying diabetes.. Ok, accept that. Many people don't accept their diabetes but you are not able to tell me what would make you happy.

You aren't mentioning your family at all? Is there a reason for this?

Do you not want to go back to work? Have a holiday? Have a baby?
 
nothing would make me happy, I cannot find a reason to get up in the morning, why am I bothering? I love my family to pieces but I've become a burden on them, all I'm doing is making them upset and I'm convinced their fed up of me, me not being here will remove that particular issue in their life.. I don't want to go back to work because I'm currently sat in a hospital bed on the ward I work on, they all know I've ****** up and probably know my psych history
 
No you are not a burden on your family !!! They love you !! ... They will do whatever it takes to help you , I know my son struggles constantly with his levels , keep trying to be strong and one day you will feel strong , your young and have more than the average to deal with, but your not alone !! Talk to your parents and family x x
 
I know they love me but I don't want their help, I hate it when they try help me it actually pisses me off and then I get really angry with them. I know I'm not alone but even with all this support I feel like it's me against the world so I can't talk to them. my mum just visited me in hospital and I've had to hold back the tears till she left and not show her how depressed i am because it's not fair on her x
 
You can't be telling the medics the full depth of your depression otgerwise they would not allow you to self administer......
Whats stopping you telling them?
Is it a diabetes ward you are on?
 
She knows how you feel .... She will always be there , you have struggled together since the beginning and if she could swap places with you she would !! My son gets angry with me and hides his levels , he goes from 29.4 to 2.7 !! Then acts like he hates me , I know he don't ... Your angry and frankly I don't blame you, but just be angry , never hurt yourself !!! The people you work for are not important and with age you will realize this .... You and your family are all that matters x x just rest and talk , stay on this forum and keep talking , the worlds a good place and you will enjoy it again x x
 
Hi @indiaemily. Sorry you're feeling so down but that really isn't the answer...it's such an undignified way to go if nothing else.

I know that what we're advising really isn't what you want to hear...like everyone else in your position...me included...you just want a wave a magic wand and have it all go away...sadly as we all know...that just isn't going to happen.

I've been in a similar situation to you in the past where despite many doctors and nurses telling me I needed to start taking better care of myself...reduce my Hba1c...stop smoking....exercise more...avoid complications...yada yada yada... but like you...it all fell on deaf ears...very occasionally someone would get through to me and I'd go away with the best intentions only for everything to fall by the wayside a week or so later...I could make a million excuses but the honest truth is that I just wasn't in the right place...I wasn't ready to deal with it...it was too much hassle and more effort than I wanted to make.

Then a couple of years ago I got a nasty bug and ended up in a very critical state with DKA...got home scared out of my tiny little mind at such a close call ...and again vowed to get a grip and sort myself out. To be fair...I really did put some effort in...perhaps not as much as I could've because my Hba1c was still high and nurses were still telling me off despite a huge drop...made me wonder why I'd bothered at all...so kinda fell back into my old ways again.

Then...just under a year ago I got another bug...terrified of ending up in DKA again and unable to get hold of my diabetic nurse...I came here for advice...and was given the sick day rules and a whole heap of support. Whilst sitting home feeling sickly and bored I browsed the forum and discovered LCHF...a whole different way of coping with diabetes...and it made sense...can't tolerate carbs...don't eat them...easy hey? Why did I never think of that? Because that's not what the NHS told me to do...and like a fool...I believed them. So anyway...off I went and researched it..it became my mission to learn all that I could. Whilst still on this mission...and following an eye screening appointment I then got told I had mild retinopathy...I have a huge fear of eyes and this freaked me out like you wouldn't believe...just the thought of having my eye's poked about with scared me silly but this was the scare that I needed to really shake myself up and get a grip.

I have now been following LCHF for over 6 months...I've lost about a stone in weight...which puts me at a weight that I'm reasonably happy with (what woman in the world will ever say she is the perfect weight? lol)...so have now adapted it to stop myself losing any more weight. The best part for me was when checking my BG...I was seeing what I call happy numbers...and you'll be amazed at effect those happy numbers can have on your mood...but they were consistent...always under 10...which was unheard of for me...and these happy numbers have spurred me on...I'm still at it and feeling happier and healthier than I can ever remember.

I can't say that this'll be the solution for you...we're all different and what worked for me won't necessarily work for you but maybe it's worth taking a look at. Why have I told you all this? I guess you just need to know that you're not the only one who feels like this...we all get exasperated by all that faffing around but when you're seeing happy numbers...everything else is suddenly much easier to deal with...it just becomes part of the routine...something that you just do...without even thinking about it and actually I still get a kick out of the happy numbers ;)...so much so that I'm even looking forward to my next Hba1c...not something I ever thought possible lol. I know I'm not the only person on this forum with a story to tell and I'm sure some are much worse than mine but I hope you will take comfort from knowing that you're not alone in what you're feeling and there are people who really do understand and genuinely want to help and support you.

Please keep your chin up...and don't give up...it will get easier and we're all here to support you.
(sorry for banging on...just realised how big this post is :wideyed:)
 
indiaemily said:
I know they love me but I don't want their help, I hate it when they try help me it actually pisses me off and then I get really angry with them. I know I'm not alone but even with all this support I feel like it's me against the world so I can't talk to them. my mum just visited me in hospital and I've had to hold back the tears till she left and not show her how depressed i am because it's not fair on her x
Click to expand...

I've come back to this thread late and I have just read your words in bold. You said you could not show her how depressed you are because "it's not fair on her". How do you think your dear caring mum would feel if you succeeded in your mission? I can tell you. She would be devastated. She would blame herself for the rest of her life. Is that what you want?

I've just seen that you have taken 33 ml. Get help immediately.
 
hey @indiaemily i know exactly where you are coming from. I'm 25 and was diagnosed on my 3rd birthday so i've never known any different but since i was about 16 years old i just felt so down that i didnt care about my diabetes or what happened. I know that what i'm doing is killing me and i feel so bad now because i have a little boy of 3 years old. i managed my diabetes perfectly whilst i was pregnant so my baby had the best chance but now once again im not bothering with myself. i feel like such a bad parent for not taking care of myself for my child's future and hate myself for it but i just don't know where to start. i have had depression and seen a psychiatrist when i was a teenager and luckily that helped i think depression and diabetes tend to be related some of the time but its always good to know your'e NEVER alone and there's always help when you ask. good luck my dear. x
 
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