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Getting out of bed!

Discussion in 'Emotional and Mental Health' started by Lamont D, Oct 14, 2020.

  1. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    I woke up yesterday morning, looked at the ceiling, I needed the toilet as usual, steadily I rolled out of bed to sit up, stretching and went about my morning routine before going down, putting the kettle on and making me and the wife a nice cuppa. As I turned on the television, let the dog into the garden, I stood at the back door leading to the garden, and took some deep breaths and thought of my day ahead. I already knew it was going to be a stressful day because of shopping, doctors phone appointment and tidying up the garden and of course, cooking and cleaning, my chores for the day.
    As I listened to the news about covid and the local lockdown rules due to be enforced tonight again and understanding that I might not see my kids and grandkids for a few weeks. I thought to myself, why aren''t we on a full lockdown, to get this virus under control? I sigh and start in the kitchen, to get ready for my morning shopping. I walk the dog before heading out. I am suddenly wary.
    I get back home after spending a few bob at the local supermarket and start putting things away, the fridge is full, the freezer is bursting, the cupboards are sagging, the wife is pleased, her treats are stored away from the little ones. I get on with my chores and finish the garden, I must trim the hedge again before winter sets in.
    I keep myself busy and find myself in the kitchen by mid afternoon starting our evening meal. The shop was a bit harrowing before as I walked down, just ditherIng as I entered and got a trolley. I looked around to make sure there wasn't many shoppers inside, happily there wasn't and took a really deep breath, another and went in, I took my time, because my short term memory is a bit suspect, and I ensure I don't have to go back around.
    I pay at the tills and with a big relaxing sigh, I walk back into the morning drizzle.
    I find myself cooling down quite quickly as I now notice I had been sweating a lot in the supermarket.
    The walk home was nice and eased my anxiety levels because I knew that I could relax more at home.
    During cooking, the doctor phoned and during the conversation, I knew that as soon as my phone starting ringing that I would start shaking, maybe it's a man thing, but having to deal with things that were a bit daunting because I was admitting things that as a man of my generation just wasn't the norm. We had a good conversation about what was happening with me and future plans to do with my depression. Another sick note and a review of my anti depressants.
    She said that she could tell by the tone of my voice that I was getting better and I did. The anger has gone and the lows had been few since we last talked, I was getting out more, visiting friends and family and playing with my grandkids always cheered me up.
    Tea ate, I made a couple of phone calls and watched a bit of sport on the television.
    By mid evening I started to feel a little tired and told the wife I would have an early night.
    I got in bed, looked up and decided that it wasn't a bad day after all!

    .................................................................................................

    The binmen woke me up, it was morning, it was 7am, I looked up at the ceiling and, and felt tired, I yawned, I needed the toilet, I hate this, I turned over and despite the urgency of my bladder, I tried in vain to go back to sleep, I failed, I really didn't want to get out of bed, I had to get out of bed, I was aching and I couldn't get my brain to wake up, I staggered to the toilet and so rough, I just wanted to sit down and do nothing. I had one of those dreams that are really vivid and so realistic, it was about a previous job I had and I couldn't do the job, frustration with stress, my work life has been totally about quality. And getting the right parts at the right time.
    The wife wanted her morning cuppa, I could do with a strong one myself, so I flicked on the kettle, noticed there wasn't enough water for two, I huffed and sighed and I couldn't be parsed, but I forced myself to do it, I went to the back door and kicked the dog out and shut the door and turning on the television and I sat, just staring at the screen.
    The kettle boiled and I just left it, the wife shouted me from upstairs, I struggled to my feet and immediately started cursing, swearing, I just didn't want to do this. I took it up, again with reluctance, and delivered the tea.
    I was breathing heavily and not in a good mood, I was so tired and felt lethargic, no energy levels and aching.
    I got my tea from the kitchen, I felt as if I had travelled miles, and sat down, I had forgotten about the dog in the cold and wind, I just wanted to sit and do nothing.
    I had no motivation, my brain was in neutral, my mood was sombre and I felt down. I just couldn't be *****!
    I couldn't go out, not even with the dog, there was no way I could go the shops, I didn't want to speak to anyone, just my own company, I couldn't face doing my chores, I couldn't face anything or anyone, the television news was seriously not good. I felt useless, I felt as if my life was unimportant, I felt that nobody cared, I felt that I had no hope, I couldn't face the wife, nor the rest of my family, my phone rang, I ignored it, I got up trying to get my brain to wake up, I made a cuppa and I didn't do it right for either me or the wife, I got a bit angry with myself, I left the cup there and went and sat down. There were chores I had to do, there were dishes, clothes, I hadn't even had a shower yet, I knew this and my brain was telling me no, my body was not arguing with my brain. I just didn't want or had the urge to get up! In truth I just couldn't be *****!
    I had plans to watch the England footie tonight with the family, I had already defrosted chicken breasts, I had every intention of preparing a salad with the chicken. I was supposed to have phone calls with people. I was intending to do my daily walk and exercise. I just couldn't!
    The sun was shining in the back garden, it was quite warm and decided to sit in the garden in the quiet, and maybe read a while. The rays were warm and I closed my eyes and tried to do some breathing exercises to get out of this lethargy. I failed, I fell asleep, and after waking cold and shivering, felt if not worse. I started shaking, there was tears in my eyes, I hated this, I have had a heavy brain all day, not a headache, just pressure on my head, my eyes heavy and feeling awful, my mood was really down, I didn't want to face a future like this, it is horrible, my head was as low as I have ever felt it! I didn't feel sorry for myself, I didn't feel anything but what is my life, useless, disheartened, down, no where to go, nothing! I wanted to run away and I didn't, I just wanted to be alone. So I did. I was in the depths of depression!
    I thought that the pills were working till today, I really thought that I was getting my head together. I believed that days like this were behind me. I was thinking that I was improving in as much to start looking for work.
    Throughout both days, testing before and after eating and random as my mood worsened, and my lethargy was entrenched, all my readings were in normal levels. But only just at the most stressful times.
    I have now just come off the phone, to a friend who has been through what I'm going through, I need to try and be positive, instead of this negativity of feeling awful, horrible, not being able to face the day ahead, not having the confidence I had just a few months ago. I want to be well again, but it's going to take time.
    Even though I have just wrote this early evening, I have done nothing all day, not even dressed, I didn't get the bins in. I didn't take the dog for a walk. I have just sat all day in a slump and not bothered with anyone. I gonna have an early night. I can't do this much more. I am not going to do anything bad, but it's really awful!
    If you can relate to all this, I don't want sympathy, I don't want discuss it, I don't want questions, I just want to put it out there, it has slightly helped, I should be eating, but I don't want to, no appetite, no idea what I want to eat or could eat. I'm having a really bad day.
    Yesterday, was really progress, today regress and back to the hurt that was in my head months ago.
    Thanks for reading.
     
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  2. MrsA2

    MrsA2 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Very well said. Some days are better than others, and vice versa. It's good to notice the difference and celebrate the better ones, and not to be too hard on yourself on the down days. It will be interesting to see what mood tomorrow brings, and what you can find to do to lift yourself, soemtimes it is the very little things that help - walking the dog, watching a late butterfly, knowing that the bad days will get fewer and fewer.
    Thank you for posting. I'm sure many of us feel the same, to a greater or lesser degree. You are not alone and voicing/writing thoughts is good. They fester more if kept inside so out is good.
     
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  3. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    Update,
    Today I woke up late, I must have had at least nine hours sleep!
    I did have a slight headache but I got up straight away.
    I believe that I knew I wasn't going out, my mood was alright.
    I went downstairs and started kitchen chores, I was in chore mode already, and all set and determined to have a better day.
    I had no worries or concerns about how I was feeling and for once some energy levels.
    I didn't feel happy but not feeling awful is a bonus.
    I cooked and prepared the meals. I washed the clothes and the dishes. Including the bedding.
    I did all my chores! (Except the hedges, it was too cold and windy) and have took the dog out and walked about a mile with him. And then went for a walk with my music, so relaxing.
    I'm knackered, and I still had to go shopping!
    That was hard, but I did it!
    I spoke to my doctor again and just told me to go easy on myself.
    A better day, I hope that it's not followed by another bad day, just an average day would be preferable.
    Thank you for reading and the hugs!

    Keep safe
     
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  4. michita

    michita Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I’ve seen so many of your very helpful posts over the years on this forum. You even responded to my one of my threads in the past :) Thank you for sharing your thoughts. :) to me what helps is to concentrate on what I have and feel grateful for what I have now. I hope you got out of your bed feeling better today than you did yesterday :)
     
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  5. MrsA2

    MrsA2 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    It's ok to skip (or put off) the odd chore. Indeed playing hookey can feel quite liberating. Every so often I treat myself to a delayed start or a morning under the duvet. Sometimes its worth listening to your body, none of us are designed to run at 70mph 24/7, especially as we all age, whether we want to or not!
    I'm glad today was a better one for you,and the next time bad one comes along you can just say "OK, its a down one, but its only one"
     
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  6. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    Thanks for the post, I have a big family and they are my future, they are what I always focus on, when I get a low. Not many negative thoughts today and I'm relaxing, playing my music and keeping in touch. Again it's good to get it out there so others can understand what is happening.
     
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  7. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    Thanks, avoiding the obvious is what I have researched since diagnosis. My condition is quite rare, and is a result of avoiding foods that causes my Hypoglycaemia.
    Avoiding hard work is an easy choice:);)
     
  8. zand

    zand Type 2 · Expert

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    Thanks for starting this thread @Lamont D
    I only just noticed it today....and it was today that I really needed to read it.
     
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  9. lucylocket61

    lucylocket61 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for this thread. @Lamont D . This is so helpful to me.
     
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  10. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    For some reason, I again woke with a headache because I slept too long, my life has been turned upside down, my daily routine and my outlook on life has changed, mainly because of the meds. Today up to now has been up and down and I have been nervous and shaking all afternoon because I have a phone call from universal credit tomorrow morning.
    The wife has been poorly the game last couple of days, the way things are around here, I suspected covid, but this was a stomach bug, which has hit all of us has had different symptoms from.
    I still would rather stay in, than go out, I prefer my own company and now, my anger has gone, my constant bombardment of problems have lessened and other than the obvious motivational aspects of getting back to myself is hurting. I am not myself, still have not found anything that can replace the passion I have for footie and that will never go, but the big thing for me is to go and watch my team play. I have watched a couple of Saturday and Sunday morning games, and I did enjoy but I have to do this. I need to go back to the ground and watch my team!
    I have tried avoiding football but it's a habit (my only one) and I can't break it. I am watching it now.

    Well @zand, I know you are getting symptoms of long covid. Is that something you can talk about, not the symptoms, but the mental health bit?
    If you are struggling with your anxiety or depression and how to help you through this, I can try.

    Keep safe, be well.
     
  11. zand

    zand Type 2 · Expert

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    I struggle with talking about it because I don't know where to start. I read your comments and think ahh yes, me too. I guess depression and anxiety were getting lost in all the other covid symptoms. Not explaining myself very well. .umm well I have fatigue so that makes me feel down.

    Today I have a very painful back because I planted a few bulbs yesterday. It wasn't hard work, just planting them into soft compost, not heavy clay soil or anything but today my back hurts and some of my chest muscles do too. So I feel down because I am in pain and it's probably so bad because of long covid.

    But maybe I have depression now too. Maybe it's not simply feeling down just because I have fatigue and am in pain. It's all rolled up into a nasty bundle and I don't have the will or energy to start unravelling it.
    I spoke to my GP on Monday about long covid. But really what can he do? Yes there's various clinics on offer but I don't know what I need. What I needed was oxygen back in March. The damage has been done now and I don't want to bother getting anxious about visits to hospital clinics 15 miles away. It was helpful to tell the doc that I had been very ill with it. It was helpful that he believed me, but there was no-one there when I needed them. I can't be bothered with them now. When I got the phone call back in June to tell me I was moderate risk, I said I had had COVID already and the lady asked if I had problems breathing! Well yes I Still do sometimes but no-one gave a **** when I was blacking out through too much coughing and too little oxygen. Just fed up. It's all so pointless.




    ...
     
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    #11 zand, Oct 22, 2020 at 7:25 PM
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2020
  12. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    That is a start.
    I can feel the anger, frustration, stress and the obvious questions about how, why and if? The bit I hate is wanting to do things that I found easy only a year ago, and now it's an impossibility, the motivation to just do mundane things takes a lot out of you.
    It's a viscous circle of your brain, head, heart, legs and your spirit to get up and do something you should be doing, they argue with each other and usually your lethargic part of your brain wins.
    So, if and when you do achieve something, your body says ok, ill teach you for doing that. The aches and pains are there to remind you, you have to pay a price, if you are not use to doing work.
    So, until you keep working, the arguments will persist. The mind, heart and soul knows this but your brain and body keeps saying no!!
    So get off your backside and keep doing it! (But only if you feel like it on a good day!)

    I keep hearing every time I have a conversation that things will change and it will get better, but it will take time. This is just ********!
    My way forward with my circumstances, does not encourage me to think that my future will be all sweetness and light, it won't.
    So, what I have to do is face the future with trying to make the best of things, to be there, to keep my health while my head heals, to be constructive about my finances and do the best I can do. And don't give a **** about my past. But treasure the memories. And see if you can move forward. The things you enjoy doing, should be foremost in your plans, the things you hate and every one has them, just forget to do them!

    My last thoughts are, just because your surgery is not very good, doesn't mean all your options are null, you can use the internet for finding others just like this forum, who have had the same experience of long covid, find local people who are asking questions on the likes of facebook, Twitter. I have found out that Age uk are really good at all this stuff and help is on the end of the phone.
    I might not have helped all that much, but I understand, I get where you are! I get it!
    It's hard, it's horrible and it does hurt. Doesn't mean that you don't take care of you!

    My daughter told me when I first told her I had a breakdown. It's your turn to be looked after, if you need to talk, I'm there for you, my family did push me, my friends and my ex colleagues, have been so thoughtful and understanding. Talking is good, having friends and family help you is humbling, but you would do it for them, wouldn't you?

    You! You look after number one. Simples! (Okay, but it sounds good!)

    I need to stop doing long posts!

    C'mon the gooners!
     
  13. lucylocket61

    lucylocket61 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    I am not zand, but we are going through similar things.
    It's the lack of motivation, possibly due to lack of energy and mental clarity. Simple things can feel impossible. I feel drain after relatively short spells of concentration. I find myself weeping over little things.
    But it's not like depression. I understand depression, but this feels different somehow, in ways I can't explain.
    My sleep patterns are disrupted. My muscles ache after a short time, and I keep pulling muscles too, that didn't happen before.
    The symptoms come and goes, with no pattern to it. I can be feeling fine, then get hit with a wave of exhaustion.
    My eyes have periods of twitching.
    I don't know what is going on, but it is playing hell with my mental health, and my ability to be the sole carer and organiser in the house.
    Thankfully my cared for ones are able and willing to help with the physical jobs.
     
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  14. zand

    zand Type 2 · Expert

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    Yes! That's it! Exactly that.

    Last week I had a good week (well 5 days anyway) and I thought I was getting better, now here I am right back in it. I don't even want another good spell if I have to be reduced to this yet again afterwards. It's too upsetting, too disappointing to think I am finally over something 7 months on only to find I am not better at all. Soul destroying. Maybe that's where the 'normal' depression has crept in to me alongside all the other stuff that's going on. I don't know. I just know there's a limit to the number of times you can get kicked down and get back up again.

    And @Lamont D , like you family and football is what normally keeps me going. Yes, family is still here, although reduced by 1 due to Covid, but the football matches that used to get me out and about over the long Winter aren't happening and the urge to get out has diminished dramatically due to it being so difficult now. Everything has to be booked in advance and I don't know in advance whether I will feel like bothering when the time comes.
     
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  15. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    Hi @lucylocket61

    I really do understand, the thought of doing things, that you know are gonna hurt or make you feel like it's too difficult or you just can't understand why you feel this way.
    I have a fear of going into shops, it's not actually going in but the thought that I'm going into a nightmare scenario.
    I get the usual anxiety symptoms, and have to suss out how many people are in there, but once I'm in and putting things into the trolley, I'm more concerned about forgetting what I need. Once I'm out, I can breathe again!
    It's the actual going in I'm afraid of, not the doing.
    My first thought was, have you seen a doctor lately?
    This is more than depression because it seems to me as if you are not getting many good days. Or even they are all bad days!
    My second is sleep disruption, I remember having a long period of sleeping badly, this happens for a reason, your body cannot get into deep sleep part which is after rem sleep, you need both for good rest and this is where, the body and mind repairs itself.
    If you do have some sleep, but wake up and you haven't reached deep sleep, the consequences of that, is a bad day feeling dreadful, tired, lethargic, your brain function is poor and concentration is all over the place.
    Is something like bad dreams waking you up. It could be your blood glucose levels.
    You haven't updated your Hba1c since 2017, is your blood glucose levels any better, are you in control?

    Hope this helps

    Tomorrow is another day.

    I do understand the lack of motivation. Posting about your feelings can help.
     
  16. lucylocket61

    lucylocket61 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    I have updated up to the end of last year, maybe it doesn't show up. It in my information page., but my blood sugar levels and Hba1c are fine, thanks for asking.
     
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  17. bmtest

    bmtest · Well-Known Member

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    You have just described in detail a normal typical day. This is basically modern life start making changes.

    At least you can be bothered making a cup of tea for your wife in 30+ years of marriage I have never made a cup of tea for my wife.
     
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  18. Lamont D

    Lamont D Reactive hypoglycemia · Master

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    I wish!
    I think she has made me about three cuppa this year!
    Unfortunately, the wife is not seen in the kitchen area much, she does try but alas the effort is too much!
    It is one of the stress points that have an enormous impact on me. Her disability, her inability, her health issues and being on the high risk list during the pandemic.

    I am now going to cook tea, we are having a freshly roasted chicken.

    Update, I'm now getting used to what has happened. I finding it still a bit tough and struggling with one day up and an odd day down, I don't do normal. I have been out and done some shopping and walking.
    The nervous state I am in, shaking and a shivering, my nerves are not helping me. My blood glucose levels are in normal. I think that I have already said, that it's before I do something, like go out, is the worst, and my brain is saying you don't need to do it but I do. But until I actually get going its awful. The other thing is how tired I am, fatigue, reluctant to do anything, and my muscles start aching until I sit down. I have a couple of times just dropped on the couch, with my coat on and I'm breathing heavily.
    As, those in Keto will know, energy levels are usually very good, I have been back in ketosis now for nearly two months, but my energy levels are no where near where they were. I'm sleeping more, a good eight to nine hours every night. A reluctance to get up when it's dark.
    The last thing is my short term memory, I am absolutely fed up with going to do something and by the time I get wherever I want to do that something, I have forgot it. Other than that I'm fine, the pills are working and everyone close to me including my doctor and friends, they have been so supportive, including the wife!

    Getting on with life.

    Stay safe people!
     
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