Indiamily -As an unmedicated T2, I can't pretend to understand how it feels to be diagnosed with T1 as a child, so I won't pretend I do. What I do understand very well is change, and why people do or don't change, and also why sometimes they won't or can't make the change. It's a very complex situation, but I might be bold and challenge you to consider a few things.
Before I get to that though, I do think it’s worth just reiterating something you probably already know, deep down. You have been diagnosed with depression, but feel that meaningful treatment is being withheld from you, until such times as your diabetes is at least notionally under some form of management. I can be certain that is because you really are in a circular place whereby if you could bring your diabetes to even a slightly better place, your mood would likely lift a bit, which might then allow you to move forward a little more. Treating your depression right now would likely to be yet another unsuccessful therapy, because of the impact of your rampant blood scores.
By the sound of it, you are sick and tired of things that don’t work, so I could suggest your medics are trying to save you from something doomed to fail from its outset because the foundations for the treatment and your wellbeing are not in place. It’s a diabetes/depression chicken and egg dilemma.
But onto some steps towards controlling your diabetes. Reading your text, I read someone screaming out to change, but almost needing to give themselves permission to make that change? (That’s a rhetorical question.) Chaotic, uncontrolled diabetes has been your security blanket for such a long time that leaving it behind must be incredibly scary. Although a completely sickness, it’s almost like the drug addict or alcoholic who wants to become clean being terrified of rejecting the drugs or drink, because that’s the great unknown, and they know it’ll be hard. But, the problem is that the only way to reach a better place is to take the first step towards it.
We all operate differently, and have different values and motivators. Clearly I have no idea what yours are, but will certainly have them. Try to think about what makes you tick. As a helper, if you think about the thing that hurts most – probably mentally – when things are baaaaad, then that could be something to focus upon in making improvements.
But, in making steps towards improving your control, I can’t be too specific in terms of suggestions regarding your insulin therapy, because, frankly, I’d be out of my depth, but if I describe something at the highest level, maybe someone might be able to help further, if you want to consider it.
Have you considered making an agreement with yourself for some form of reward, if you achieve a target? I’m not talking about a target of an HbA1c of 6% or no blood scores over 10 for a week. I’m talking much smaller increments. I’m thinking something like, if you take your basal insulin, along with bollusing for breakfast and lunch, you can have a treat for dinner. Ideally you’d inject for the treat to get maximum enjoyment, but I don’t think having to commit to 100% compliance right up front is incredibly likely to succeed. As a foodie, would something like that act as a motivator? Would your family support that strategy, as you are living at home? I only include your family in this as they are likely to be observing you in your actions.
If not that; what sort of goals or targets can you set yourself of that sort of magnitude that you can achieve in a very short term? Once you have achieved those for a period of, say, a week, perhaps a new goal or target could be something like “at least 90% of your insulin requirements over the course of a week”. Once that is achieved, up to 95% or whatever you felt your next step would be.
These targets can’t be imposed upon you, or I fear you will rail against them, almost as a matter of principle. They have to be your targets. Your goals. Then they become your achievements.
Do try to think of small things you can do to make even tiny steps forward, because taking those first steps towards a better future are absolutely critical to you right now.
Good luck with it all. You are screaming out. Give yourself permission to change, then act upon it.