What I'd give to be normal again

[Brendon.Dean]

These cards to which I have been dealt have left me feeling broken, battered and defeated. It feels like I'm trying to climb an impossible hill which grows higher and higher every day. Trapped inside my own head, this forum has been my main outlet of temporary relief of the frustrations us type 1's live with every day. It seems as though many are managing their disability while others, my self included are struggling with a multitude of things. I'm constantly searching for an answer, some sort of game plan to kind of solve what to me is a problem with no known variables to answer the equation. Day and day again I keep thinking I can fix this but I can't, I'm stuck with this for life. I didn't ask for this, I sure as hell do not want this.. I would kill to be able to just be normal again.

Hello everyone my name is Brendon and I am a type 1 diabetic and have been since April of 2015. From the age of 5 till I was 22 I played hockey all of the time, once I turned about 10 that's when the cardio based training began, then at age 14 weight training was added and before you knew it that was the majority of my life when I wasn't at school. So when I wasn't at school hockey or training I was exhausted of people, exhausted of my broken dysfunctional family and I wanted an escape from the world. I looked towards games and found something that gave me an outlet from the real world, something I could use to get away from everything, to numb what felt like pain to me. I was told what to do, there were no IF ANDS or BUTS, just do it or you're grounded, everything is taken away and or get the belt. Ok, normal, maybe. I still had no choice or say in my own life then and it's all coming back to me, I feel like I have no choice now...

By the time I was finishing my junior career in hockey I was having severe shoulder problems, I decided to turn away a scholarship. It was time to enter the work force so I got a job with my uncle doing Property management / landscaping. This is when I hurt my other shoulder. Meanwhile tons of back and fourths with doctors, different testing had been ongoing for my other shoulder, it wasn't till 2012 I had my first surgery and then in 2014 on the other shoulder. Since then my body has been a complete mess; this didn't just affect my shoulders, I felt like my whole body started getting pulled out of whack. It became a nightmare, the constant struggle and amount of energy I poured into trying to be able to just get to the gym to stay healthy was astronomical and still is today.

Things just started piling up at this point, unable to work debt piled up, started feeling quite lethargic all the time but I needed to make money. My brother got me a job as a fiber optics technician which I was making decent money with a promising future and much more money to come; it looked like things were finally turning around. But that was short lived as only maybe 3-4 months in I started getting super sick, started feeling anxiety and depression very badly so I took a couple weeks off to try a program at the hospital and was prescribed anxiety meds. I went back and then bam it got even worse and before you knew it I was at the hospital getting diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic. Maybe about a week in the hospital and I was right back to working and did so for 19 months.

At first I felt good and in control but was spending 3-4 hours at the gym 6 days a week which wasn't necessarily what I wanted to be doing, but it was working. I got sick for the first time since being diagnosed and since then my diabetes has been a rollercoster ride with no seatbelt and a vacant custodian letting this ride go round and round 24/7 365 days a year. It was till October 2016 that I finally said to myself I can't do this anymore, everyday I felt sick, my sugars weren't good and I felt so unhealthy so I took a sickness leave. It's now nearing the end of my sickness leave and although my sugars have been better than they were, I know going back to that job they're going to go right back to how they were, it's the nature of the job, there is no consistency and to many variables.

I find myself here not knowing what the hell I'm going to do for income, bills...how can I even find a job with 2 broken shoulders, type 1 diabetes and live a fulfilling life. In life I just wanted to be free, free to do what I want to do, live on my terms and it has all been taken away from me.. It's heart breaking, really.. I just wanted simple, to go to the fridge and have a have a glass of milk and not think twice, put on my runners pick up and just go for a jog, but I can't, it's never going to be the same and I have no clue what to do.

The only thing I know is I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves and supports me and though all these bad things have happened to me, I still have her.. and a lovely dog, both who can put a smile on my face

This has been liberating getting this out and into words rather than swishing around in my head over and over; I feel a tiny bit of peace knowing that someone out there may stumble across and read this.

 

[willabudhabi]

**** bro thats a story. I had it for 30 years, self medicated for the first 10 years just buying insulin where I could get in when I lived in SE Asia without any medical insurance. Obviously I survived now live in UAE and ar least get my meds although the treatment is ****. My message is, its all up to you, get educated about the disease and live with it.
I am 58 and live a full life swim every morning 500 meters before work. Have a veritable Harem here with a very active love life.
Live your life to the full and dont let it beat you.
Keep smiling.

 

[Robkww]

Hi Brendon.Kean. I got back from work and read your post. You're not in a place you would wish to be - none of us are. You have problems but you have good support from your woman and a good buddy in your dog. There are no easy, go to answers - there seems to be a different twist for each with diabetes. What comes across from your post is you have good communication skills. There will be many on this forum who will be able to help you put your own jigsaw together - one that can work for you. We're all in this together, use those skills to help others and to let others help you. All the best and good luck.

 

[azure]

Think of the positive things @Brendon.Dean - all the love you have in your life.

Type 1 is utter **** and there's not a person here who doesn't understand that. It's hard work day after day. It took me months and months to come to terms with my diagnosis and it still gets me down sometimes even now almost 23 years later.

All you can do is do the best you can. Don't let the diabetes wear you down; don't let it control your life - take it by the scruff of the neck and control it.

I know that's easier said than done, but celebrate every success you have, every good blood sugar.

The broken shoulders sound awful. I don't know what to suggest about that or what work would suit you. do You have any ideas of what you'd like to do if you feel your current job isn't working?

 

[mist]

Could be worse, remember that! I'm patiently waiting for my cancer to come back for a third time and finish me off.

In the meantime, I'm eating lots of chicken..lol

Smile, you ain't dead yet!

 

[Juicyj]

I honestly don't think there's any one of us type 1's who would not get this, I can definately sympathise with your situation as I have been where you are. I struggled greatly after diagnosis, I was 39 and I could not get my head round living with this 24 hours, it was grinding me down and I was looking for a magic wand to take it away. I decided to take control and to learn as much as I could to become an expert, so bought books and talked to doctors, my recommendation is to read 'think like a pancreas' written by a type 1, don't let this beat you down, I don't think there's any day that passes when I don't wish that I too was 'normal' again, however I do know now that whatever this throws at me I will not let it win, am lucky enough to be here so going to make life as normal as I can

 

[Shar67]

What was your life is gone you now have a new normal.
You have to get hold of this life with both hands and get it on track. It wont happen if you keep thinking about what was your previous normal.

This is the now, you know what you need to do to get it together but remember baby steps win. There will be set backs there always is, just focus on your new goals. You have your lady your dog and us your winning already

 

[mentat]

Hi Brendon.

I know where you're coming from. Although I had a great life until I was diagnosed at 22, since then diabetes has assaulted my identity, divorced me from the things I love, and made me feel trapped.

I haven't been able to work for four years. I am a big burden to everyone around me.

I'm recovering, quite steadily at the moment—so don't worry about me. But connecting with others who can see past the mess of my life is an important part of that.

PM me and we can have a chat.

 

[smc4761]

Great post it really is good to share your thoughts and experiences

I got diagnosed in 1981 and at that time I was a few years into what had always been my dream job, a police officer. In those days if you were a type 1 there was no option you were discharged on medical grounds. So I had this horrible condition for the rest of my life to contend with and now I had lost my job

I was very fit and active before that playing basketball to a fairly high standard, But with the diabetes and fear of hypos I lost all my confidence

I took a while but I got over it got a new job, married had a kid, had numerous hypos, loads of other medical conditiions frozen shoulder, carpal tunnel syndrome trigger finger. But guess what I made it through

There have been huge advances in past 35 years in treating diabetes. You will get there I am sure. I know its difficult at times we all feel the same but with good friends family and the support you will get on here

If you ever want to sound off, want advice the folks on here are superb a fountain of knowledge

Probably little concellation I know, you have had it rough, but there are thousands of people out there, who are having a tough time, diabetes, cancer, MND, dementia etc. Lifes a ***** at times

As Eric Idle would say, "always look on the bright side of life"

 

[videoman]

Hi there one and all, well Brendan ,myself who after 55 years of injections I never think of "being normal" any longer after the first few days all that time ago. until they can cure ,I'm grateful I'm not in the box at 70 years of age and just getting great results from my consultant .There is nothing you can do other than look after yourself and stop worrying .It will not go away but with help from your GP and the hospital and this forum will always help you,

 

[BeccyB]

I'm glad you found us here and were able to get all that off your chest. There are so many people here who understand and many who have faced the same feelings but got through the other side. While life can't be as it was, it can certainly be better than it is and I hope this forum can help you find inspiration and hope and the advice you need to move forward. I know it has done so for lots of others, me included.

Read and ask questions and we'll all get there together x

 

[Lamont D]

What is normal?
We are all weird and unique individuals just like our fingerprints, DNA and so on!

I have had to get my head around having a very rare form of hypoglycaemia. That most GPs, endocrinologists and every one else has never heard of or knows how to treat!

The thing is, you will get used to it because it is happening and you really can't swerve it! So take control, fight your corner, it really does get better if you take one day at a time, sharing your problems is always beneficial!
Dwelling on how it effects you, isn't the solution, being as healthy as you can is!

 

[Brendon.Dean]

@willabudhabi Thank you for the support; the advice is much appreciated!

@Robkww Thank you for the reinforcement and kind words.

@azure The motivation is much appreciated and helped give me some strength and will power. To be honest I couldn't give a definitive answer as to what I would want/like to do. I am though, trying to find something that best suits living conditions with some sort of self fulfilment, possibly in the form of helping people?

@mist Thank you for sharing that with me, it's nice to see you keep a great sense of humour despite your situation

@Juicyj I will definitely grab that book; you and many have recommended it in other threads, thanks!

@Shar67 Thank you for the stern knowledge, it will be a helpful reminder for me now and in the future.

@mentat I can certainly relate to that.. Thank you for reaching out, definitely look forward to chatting!

@smc4761 That was very inspiring, it helps me to know that similar situations have happened to people and they have overcome their adversities.

@mahola That quote, blew..my..mind... lol Wrapping my head around that kind of opens my eyes to something different!

@videoman You make a good point, the worries will destroy one.

@BeccyB Thank you very much for the support

@Lamont D That's solid advice; one day at a time does give me more of a less stressful life.


I also just wanted to say wow I'm shocked with all of the replies I got, I did not expect to see near as many and everyone was very helpful and supportive giving a clear concise dose of realism. Everything is much appreciated and again thank you to everyone