6.3 today! Lovely morning after a fresh start, indeed, coldest night since February! Heating set at sixteen degrees came on automatically! Sunny and warm now! Tidy up in garden or reading and relaxing in my easy chair?
During my counselling, and my quiet time after the footie last night, I have come to the conclusion that I may be in denial with my thinking of how I tackle my future. My reliance on my ex working life to be my reliance to get on with my lot. Family is still a huge part of my day to day and it fills so much of my day! But there is that time when I am not going about my day. This is, as you are probably aware that, is when we have as
@dunelm @gennepher would use for their unbelievable art! Television has not got the appeal it once did, struggling to find something I like that I haven't watched, same with reading. I found out through my DIL, that I speed read, and I have often read a whole decent sized novel in a few hours. It is a good job that during my hypo hell time before diagnosis, that I can't remember a lot of the books that I read then!
I have my garden, but it is an excuse to be outside.
In other words, other than my family time, I have nothing to fill hours. I am not lonely!
Due to circumstances, because of my carer role, I cannot subscribe to volunteer work without feeling real anxiety leaving Mrs L, without care. It has become apparent that even going for counselling my anxiety kicks in, being away from home!
I still cannot feel elation!
I'm happier, but no joy!
I have no excitement in me!
I still have a few minutes in the morning when I wake up, I don't want to get up, but I know, I can't stay there in my pit! From that moment till the morning bits are done and Mrs L chores are done. I can have an hour doing something! Computer jigsaw sometimes!
It always, feels that I'm not doing enough! Though I am aware that I'm doing too much! Don't know how to work that out!
Because of the restless legs issues, I can't sit for long without having to get up and do something!
But that doesn't help!
I am frustrated, so much, anxiety going out, anxiety away from Mrs L, anxiety over her health and misrememberitis, trying not to be frustrated with her, anxiety over being angry over the frustration with the repetition of Mrs L asking or questioning, misunderstanding of even what day it is! Finding things she has put away and a lot, lot more!
I'm coping, as much as I can. Help would be grateful, family are great but it is not ideal to see Mrs L, the way she is!
And finally I'm using the few occasions to go the footie, to watch my team, as an excuse to get out, when within half an hour, my brain is questioning my reasons for going, and I have guilt and anxiety in reams!
I have crossed off the need to go back to the football club, to assuage that part of the anxiety issues! I have no longer pain from that! I have faced that and it's not a problem now!
My confidence is not great! My reasoning is not muddled, I can do stuff, but I'm still wary of doing things that I'm not sure of. Does that make sense?
I still have certain shopping anxiety, certain shops are beyond my anxiety, especially the bigger superstores! Panic attacks are the reason for this. Avoiding them when out with Mrs L is a task of persuasion!
Chores and shopping done!
I know the denial, is in hoping something comes about as it does in life to change things, have no idea what or want it to be. I know that my life as such, will very likely not be any better anytime soon!
I'm not a fan of this, not knowing!
And of course, My anxiety over my anxiety, which is that I'm very anxious about it all!
I can't help it!
My best wishes to you all as always!