please someone listen to me I am so worried

[Molly56]

@andreaabbott1 @copey399 ...I can relate to both of your stories being a partner of a Type 2 diabetic who was in denial about his diabetes...and to some extent still is...
I don't know the answers as to how to solve your individual problems but can only relate what has happened in my circumstance and say there is still hope and that people can change.

To start with it is important to share the problem with others (for your own sanity as much as anything) and listen to their advice...i have had lots of advice from people here on the forum and it has really helped....not all of the advice has been appropriate to me or my partner but you just need to sort out what is best for you....only you know your own personal circumstances and what will work and what won't...

Since I have been here on the forum things have definitely improved with my partner (even though my occasional postings and rants may not make it look that way)....thinking back a few years (when we first met) he would spend every night in the pub drinking and not taking any notice at all of what he ate or his medication....since getting together he has made changes and now no longer drinks any alcohol....he went through a phase of drinking six to eight cans of diet fizzy drinks a day but has now ditched that habit and now only drinks bottled water and a daily cup of coffee...
....as far as eating was concerned he was very much in the same boat ...eating what he wanted and not thinking about the consequences....a packet of sweets would be consumed without a second thought and no account was taken of what was healthy and what was not...now it is different ...he will look at the amount of carbs in food (my consistent and sometimes not very subtle hints eventually worked and the penny dropped)...and now has chosen to eat salads for tea..he doesn't eat potatoes anymore (his choice) and where he used to eat four or five slices of bread as a late night snack this is no longer on the menu.....he has the minor relapses I know with the occasional tiger roll or two appearing on the shopping receipt but I overlook this...

The important thing is that he has changed but that he had to make that change when he was ready to do so...

Saying all of that it is not all perfect....as one of you mentioned he does seem to spend the majority of his time in bed ...but I have had to accept that that is the way he is and only he can decide that is not a good thing and decide to do something else...I hope one day that he does but no amount of me telling him is going to change that....I too point out articles in newspapers etc about inactivity and how this is detrimental to health...but he will only take in what he wants to take in...

My concerns now are over the worrying signs of diabetic complications such as the neuropathy in his feet and hands ...especially where this is making simple daily tasks problematic....have told him he needs to sort it out because I'm not doing it......other signs of problems such as those mentioned by yourselves are also evident...

If I have any advice I would say try to speak to either your GP or your diabetic team about your own concerns...particularly as it also affects you in terms of your own health and wellbeing...I always think it is difficult to cope with this situation as you are the only one that knows exactly what is going on behind closed doors...the professionals are there to help but they need to know that help is needed...concentrate on your own wellbeing first and foremost...thankfully my GP will listen and can make appropriate suggestions to help when needed.

I hope you both manage to find the right answers for yourselves and can perhaps manage to find valuable support for each other here on this forum.

 

[donnellysdogs]

I think others neglecting their own health leads us to get anxious, depressed, and all sorts of emotional feelings that we wouldn't necessarily have if these persons were fit and active and healthy etc...

So it is partners in these scenario's that in some ways are having caring roles forced upon them.

Which then leads me to another point... It is so important that you do speak to your GPs and get logged as being "carers".... As your roles are not just partner roles any more.

As Carers you can get extra help in some ways as it makes GPs listen to your concerns but they are obliged to listen and care for Carers because of the vital non paid work that you do to try and keep your partners out of hospital etc..

Some GPs do care a lot and our County has set up a referal scheme to the Countys Carer scheme and GPs can get accredited with Gold, Silver and Bronze awards for the amount of Carers that ate referrred..... So all I am really saying is like @Molly56 has said. It is important to speak to your GP about what is very evidently to me affecting uour health and well being... You can talk about your partners.. Because they are impacting on your mental health... As so many people end up being at their wits end.. And its not the actual person with the illness... It is their partners that ate having carer roles forced upon them....

 

[copey399]

One thing's just come home to me with a wallop - as you say, the stress it causes. My husband has just informed me that his BS this morning was 30.00. He "forgot" to do his injection last night He's got it "down" to 22 now but I get so scared when he goes that high.

 

[Molly56]

One thing's just come home to me with a wallop - as you say, the stress it causes. My husband has just informed me that his BS this morning was 30.00. He "forgot" to do his injection last night He's got it "down" to 22 now but I get so scared when he goes that high.

@copey399 ....does your husband worry when his bs levels are so high....my partner regularly has bs levels in the high teens but doesn't seem to be bothered or worry about them.....think it is just me that has the stress of worrying about them and the damage that they are causing.
Have noticed that I know when they are high...can read the signs....like last night when they were 18.5 and the night before when they were 19.1..he didn't say anything when he tested and just wrote them in the book....I do worry about them being high and what he would do if he felt unwell especially now he is on a different tablet (forxiga) as well as the insulin (novomix 30) that could lead to diabetic ketoacidosis...he would probably just take to his bed and not do anything about it..
Just make sure that you look after yourself and seek the help that you need for your own health...as someone once said to me here 'stay strong' ....and if you need help from someone then don't be afraid to ask for it...this is what has helped me ....

 

[copey399]

@copey399 ....does your husband worry when his bs levels are so high....my partner regularly has bs levels in the high teens but doesn't seem to be bothered or worry about them.....think it is just me that has the stress of worrying about them and the damage that they are causing.
Have noticed that I know when they are high...can read the signs....like last night when they were 18.5 and the night before when they were 19.1..he didn't say anything when he tested and just wrote them in the book....I do worry about them being high and what he would do if he felt unwell especially now he is on a different tablet (forxiga) as well as the insulin (novomix 30) that could lead to diabetic ketoacidosis...he would probably just take to his bed and not do anything about it..
Just make sure that you look after yourself and seek the help that you need for your own health...as someone once said to me here 'stay strong' ....and if you need help from someone then don't be afraid to ask for it...this is what has helped me ....

Mine's the same as yours. He doesn't worry about it as much as I do. Or at least he doesn't seem to. What really goes on in his mind is anyone's guess. With his brother having lost a leg through it he must worry inwardly but he just shrugs it off and says he gives himself an extra boost of his injection.

I'm the one left worrying that he will become a total invalid. He says life wouldn't be worth living if he couldn't eat what he likes but that's just selfish in my opinion and a very blinkered view. He's 6 years younger than me but he's so lacking in life and energy that it's like living with a much older man. Eating and sleeping - what quality of life is that?

 

[Sirmione]

Much sympathy having a partner in extreme denial and hell bent on self destruction especially being subject such cruelty when you have other major problems to deal is a dreadful trap to be caught in.

I am sure others on here will not agree with me but there is a point self-preservation has to overide loyaty.

 

[Indy51]

My black sense of humour is prompting me to ask if you ladies have thought to take out a good life insurance policy on these guys?

 

[copey399]

My black sense of humour is prompting me to ask if you ladies have thought to take out a good life insurance policy on these guys?

I don't think we could afford the premiums ,, lol

 

[SJC1928]

I am very far from my Doctor's diabetic patient of the year but your husband makes me look world class! The thirst of the advice here, unpalatable as it may be to him, is correct - the solution is in his hands. The pain in his calf is the artery being blocked and unable to supply blood (and therefore oxygen) fast enough to clear the lactic acid build up when the muscle is worked - I know, I had an op to try and clear the blockage, only partially successful so exercise is the only answer.

I still cheat but I try to strike a happy medium. I'm not good at checking my readings regularly but I am spot n taking my insulin and medication so after 15 years as a diabetic, I am pretty much the same as I was - a few stone heaver sure, but other than that, in reasonable shape although erections are difficult still.

Good luck to you both.

 

[vintageutopia]

@andreaabbott1 , enormous hugs to you. Between your husband and the responsibility of your special needs children, you have such a full plate and I can hear the frustration and desperation in your written voice. It makes me tear up...we hear you.

To start, I know you love him and want to clunk him over the head at the same time, but you can't MAKE him see the light. He probably hasn't felt good in so long, that he isn't aware of how good he *could* feel if he were to start taking better care of himself. And he might be experiencing a sense of overwhelming loss, as he has had to deal with several ailments over the past few years. Maybe, he feels he is spiraling so far down that he doesn't think it is worth the effort to try to improve his health.

However, for YOUR sanity, I would stop. Stop the information giving, stop the nagging, and stop trying to own his bad choices. He doesn't care and it is just causing you absolute misery. Why should he have to worry or manage his own condition when you are carrying that burden for him?

As far as food, I wouldn't buy the fizzy drinks, donuts, or Belgian buns. If he wants them, it will be up to him to buy them. If he can't manage the store, then he will go without. It sounds heartless, but I would not enable him.

Lastly, I would just love him as he is. He has dug his heels in the sand and may have shifted his focus to you, rather than his own disease. If he can stay mad at you for what you say or do, it takes the focus off himself. In his mind, YOU are the problem, not him. And he may be feeling a bit childish and trying to stick it to you by completely disregarding your love and efforts.

In the meantime, you may find it helpful to come here and rant or find a counselor that can offer you an unbiased ear. You can't keep that bottled up inside you or your health will also begin to fail.

You are strong and you have had to be strong for a very long time. Take care of YOU, so that you can take care of your children. And just love him for what he is right now. Eventually, he may change or he may not. That is his choice, though.

 

[andreaabbott1]

I am actually feeling better, just reading these posts on this thread,
he is asking if he will get better how can he make it better, I just said dont know best talk to the doctor
he did his normal get up and then sleep on the sofa so i carried on and did the vacuuming as if he wasnt there
I am not going to tiptoe around him he has done this to himself

 

[lizdeluz]

I am actually feeling better, just reading these posts on this thread,
he is asking if he will get better how can he make it better, I just said dont know best talk to the doctor
he did his normal get up and then sleep on the sofa so i carried on and did the vacuuming as if he wasnt there
I am not going to tiptoe around him he has done this to himself

Most important is that your new approach will help YOU feel better and stronger. It may also as a result give your husband the big wake-up call he needs to sort out his own life.

 

[Sirmione]

Denial is a funny thing, I am just a few years younger than the o.p.'s husband but on diagnosis had the exact opposite reaction, I took on type 2 as a challenge and gathered as much information as I could (much of it from this site) and acted on it and went LCHF so far to great effect.
It occurred to reading through this thread that in a strange way monitoring and controling my Type 2 has become a major part of my life and in strange way actually enjoy it!

 

[Robinredbreast]

I am actually feeling better, just reading these posts on this thread,
he is asking if he will get better how can he make it better, I just said dont know best talk to the doctor
he did his normal get up and then sleep on the sofa so i carried on and did the vacuuming as if he wasnt there
I am not going to tiptoe around him he has done this to himself

A great way of thinking andreabbott1, well done and I hope it continues along on a positive path
Good luck.

 

[Typicaltwo]

Dear andreaabbott1
As someone with no medical or psychological training, my views are just based on my own experiences of life (65 and counting). Having read your posts it appears that you and your husband have not had the easiest of times bringing up two children with differing degrees of disability. I cannot image the sacrifices you have made as loving parents, or the difficulties you must both encounter on a daily basis in looking after this growing family. Frequently, in these situations, the normal stress of daily living makes it even more difficult to cope with any additional problems such as discovering and living with diabetes. I think in these situations depression plays a big role, especially in the apparent 'denial' process. In these instances psychological counselling might be the best first option. An expert counsellor might be a better first choice in helping your husband come to terms with his diabetes. The challenge will be firstly convincing your GP and then your husband that this is the right thing to do. It is a free service on the NHS and it is usually run through GP surgeries (if your GP doesn't offer it he should know the nearest surgery that does). Good luck and keep fighting.

 

[Bebo321]

Dear andreaabbott1
As someone with no medical or psychological training, my views are just based on my own experiences of life (65 and counting). Having read your posts it appears that you and your husband have not had the easiest of times bringing up two children with differing degrees of disability. I cannot image the sacrifices you have made as loving parents, or the difficulties you must both encounter on a daily basis in looking after this growing family. Frequently, in these situations, the normal stress of daily living makes it even more difficult to cope with any additional problems such as discovering and living with diabetes. I think in these situations depression plays a big role, especially in the apparent 'denial' process. In these instances psychological counselling might be the best first option. An expert counsellor might be a better first choice in helping your husband come to terms with his diabetes. The challenge will be firstly convincing your GP and then your husband that this is the right thing to do. It is a free service on the NHS and it is usually run through GP surgeries (if your GP doesn't offer it he should know the nearest surgery that does). Good luck and keep fighting.

Eloquently and sensitively put. I had the same thought - stress/depression is likely to be complicating the issue. Wishing you courage @andreaabbott1 and wishing your husband a chink of light that he can make his way towards. x

 

[TrinMonroe]

Hey Andrea...I so wish i had found this forum when i was diagnosed as T2 back in 2003...i stuck my head in the sand...took and tried all diff kind of meds but i still ate normal food..like i wasnt realy a diabetic....all these years down the line i really regret it now....i have bad eyes and need regular lasering treatment...which i go tomorrow for and i really dread... and i had to go on insulin and put on 4 stone in 2 years.

Everyone is right...u can only do so much for someone and until they face up to the fact that its their body and only they can look after it. then no matter wot anyone says nothing will change.
You are definitely not evil...you have two children you care for with special needs and you could really do with some physical support right now as well as emotional support from your husband.

Its kinda selfish in a way as you are having to watch your husband slowly kill himself because that is basically wot he is doing but from wot i have read you have done all you can for him.

I have been on a low carb, low fat, low sugar, no wheat and gluten and no dairy diet for the past 4 weeks and believe me its hard...i miss processed foods like oven chips and bbq chicken bits but....i feel so much better in my self...my sugars have gone down by alot and i am actually starting to feel positive again...so to miss out on all the sugary treats to live a longer healthier life is worth it to me.

Having a good doctor and supportive diabetic team behind you is a huge help and also this forum has helped me a great deal.

I wish you well and good luck

 

[andreaabbott1]

finally got another GP appointment this afternoon after hell of a week the patches they gave hubby arent working, constant pain and headache doing nothing but laying around, I have been just giving him small meals and he is eating them
and I am watching the carbs when I make meals but I cant stop the eating between meals, although right now there is nothing to unhealthy in the house.
he has fallen over twice this last week and hurt his knee and hip he fell because his leg gave way

I am ready for war with the GP hubby needs refering where I dont know but this is ruining my quality of life now

 

[donnellysdogs]

Hope you get on ok with GP, please let us know the outcome.

 

[andreaabbott1]

hubby lied about the weight loss, typical, anyway GP has doubled up the pain killer patched and the amertriphilan spelt that wrong
hubby has no reflex at all in his right leg so sending him for an MRI.
hubby dont listen either because GP said if this is caused by the high sugars then it wont get better but hubby is convinced his nerves will regrow.
I wanted to walk out of the consultant room, I actually sat there quiet and thought what is the point of me trying to help him when he lies so much