How can I get my wife to understand diabetes ?

[Deleted member 308541]

I'm doing it for my health and it's not a "diet".

That's how I look at it as well, it is now a way of life.

 

[rgs2502]

Have your finger testing numbers changed after the reduction?

It’s early days, I’ll give it a month. I have IBS anyway so anything which irritates the gut is not a happy blend. I just take a loperamide if I’m going out most times. I had to run back to the Clubhouse from the third tee as my guts were rumbling last week.

 

[rgs2502]

Tell her that too much blood sugar causes loss of erectile function and she will have to forego conjugal celebrations later on.

Haha I wish. Both my boys are September so I call myself Santa, only gets to come once a year.

 

[Mike d]

No indeed, not a good mix. I can tolerate it (and I no longer need them) as for me, they did little and sure didn't change my BS readings

Why non diabetics take them has me flummoxed

 

[lucylocket61]

I asked my husband, after he made me some flapjacks for the umpteenth time of being told not to, if he was willing to push me around in a wheelchair once I had lost my legs. He went a bit quiet, and hasnt bugged me since. Sometimes shock tactics work.

His way of showing love is to cook for me. He cooks all our meals. Rejection of food, to him, was a rejection of love. He now knows that some foods are NOT showing love, but making me special low carb meals is a very good way of demonstrating his love.

 

[francesk]

My OH is very supportive, but not quite got the idea of low carb. He used to do all the cooking, but now I cook my own food, but also do enough veg for him if he wants to have some too, as he tends to make himself a big chilli, or curry, or sweet and sour that will last him for several days. He still asks if I would like some potato, or rice, or toast and I remind him that I'm not eating those things now, but I think that he does just forget. He's very supportive about my health, which is great, as he's spent a lot of time looking after me and helping me recover after I've been very ill (I was in hospital for nearly five months in 2016). But the one thing he won't eat any more is broccoli , which I have in some form about five times a week, but am still not very good at getting absolutely right!

 

[Incyb]

I'm so, so lucky because my husband and 17 year old son (neither of whom is diabetic) are both low carb now too, just for health. We therefore have nothing "off plan" in our house, and order takeaways and restaurant meals with "no chips, potatoes, pasta, rice, bread or naan, please!" We all take turns cooking, and it has really become our normal way of life. I realise how lucky I am. It would be so very hard to be surrounded by temptation all the time, or watch them eating things I formerly enjoyed, but can't any more.

 

[derry60]

To be honest for your wife to act the way that she did because you refused something that would make you ill,is selfish. (Sorry for being harsh) If I were you I would take full control of my own cooking and what I eat. Let her cook for herself. You are both adults and to be honest as a fully grown man you have every right to be in control of your life. I would not be happy if my hubby were to give me the food that he knew could make me ill. Be firm : )

 

[Alexandra100]

It’s early days, I’ll give it a month. I have IBS anyway so anything which irritates the gut is not a happy blend. I just take a loperamide if I’m going out most times. I had to run back to the Clubhouse from the third tee as my guts were rumbling last week.

Before I started lowering my carbs, I suffered a lot from reflux and other mysterious digestive problems. I even had TWO endoscopies (IMO the worst investigation in the world!). Nowadays this problem has almost gone away. Just the occasional very slight twinge of heartburn. I am wondering if trying a really low carb diet (under 50g and maybe even down to 20g carbs daily) might help your internal problems and also enable you to gradually come off the Metformin, which would presumably help them still more. (Not that I am against Metformin, I'm very glad to have persuaded my GP to let me take it, but it's horses for courses, it's maybe not the best remedy for you.) I realise in the light of the previous discussions that this may seem a risky step for family harmony, but on the other hand, perhaps adopting a really radical diet where it is clear there can be absolutely no syrupy treats might make things easier?

 

[LittleGreyCat]

Thank you all for your comments and ideas, it helped me as it took me down after what had been a good few days. I think she thought she’d got us a treat as my son and his gf were eating with us, she wouldn’t touch them and my son tried a bit and didn’t like it, he also stuck up for me after my third no, I’m not eating that.

That makes it pretty clear that it isn't about logic (which you can sometimes fix with information) but about emotion.

It looks to be more important to her that something she has produced has been rejected than the reasons for the rejection. As the long term partner it is your role to support her in all things, and refusing to eat the treat is a rejection of her. If the kids had hoovered it up I suspect that she wouldn't have had a problem.

It may be that she thinks you are making yourself more "important" with this Diabetes caper and trying to usurp her central place in the home (just guessing).

You say that she tests her BG with your meter. Does she do this often? If so, does she do this because she worries that she might develop Diabetes or is it just making your finger pricking less special and attention grabbing because she is doing it too? It could be a supportive thing to allow you to cross check the glucose spike from a specific food, or it could be to demonstrate that "Hey, what's the problem? Doesn't spike me.".

So as someone supremely unqualified to give any kind of advice, I suggest that it might be worth talking to her to try and find if she is feeling rejected because she was always the most important thing in your life but now you have something she sees as more important than her and which always comes first.

Best of luck.

Edit to add: some/many people create a role for themselves which is central to them and to their perception of their worth.

For example some people define themselves solely by their job and their success at the job. They can't conceive of retiring, or even being given a lump of money and told that they never need work again. [Seriously; that used to be a management training scenario to make people think.]

My late mother in law seemed to have a very fixed role for herself as home maker, child and grandchild cherisher, husband supporter. Centre of the home.
When she was widowed and the grand kids had grown she basically didn't know what to do with herself because she no longer had a role she recognised. Not happy.

Perhaps your partner instinctively has such a role - the home maker and food provider. Before you were diagnosed she decided what everyone ate and was the decision maker in the home. Suddenly her role had been undermined because there is an outside force which can over rule her. This can be very unsettling.

 

[Alexandra100]

You say that she tests her BG with your meter.

Rgs said that his wife is pre-diabetic, and that his readings have come down into the pre-diabetic range and he thinks she thinks he can now stop fussing about them. Which suggests to me that part of the problem is that she is in denial of the fact that her pre-diabetes is a serious condition that needs attention and poses a certain threat. If she admits that he needs to restrict his diet, that means she should too.

 

[donnellysdogs]

There is often "a feeder" in the house.... the one that does the main part of buying and cooking food.

I think that with any diagnosis of diabetes that if there is a "feeder" in the house then it is important for them to completely get on board with diabetes as well-but more importantly is that the diabetic (if he/she isnt the feeder) to take more input into the buyingand cooming of foods etc.

My mum has become diabetic (dementia bad) since my stepdad started doing all the cooking... he makes constant bread, cakes etc... and he is now the feeder but is making my mum worse with diabetes because she us no longer cooking the healthier foods...

 

[Alexandra100]

some/many people create a role for themselves which is central to them and to their perception of their worth.

Very interesting point. On reflection, it seems to me that we all do this to some extent, identifying ourselves with a role or an activity or a skill or certain physical characteristics. And part of successful living (especially successful ageing) is to let go readily and welcome new roles etc into our lives to replace the ones that are lost.

 

[Alexandra100]

There is often "a feeder" in the house

That is SO psychologically acute, and SO tragic. I too have observed that these feeders will press people they love to eat things the feeders know are harmful to them, doing their utmost to wreck their loved ones' attempts to lose weight, stop drinking too much alcohol etc. I have even seen a woman continue to over-feed her obese (and much loved) cat after the vet had warned her of the consequences. It must be a terribly strong drive, with a sort of cleavage between the part of the brain which truly loves and wants the best for the person and the part that just wants to be feeding them even if it kills them.

 

[LooperCat]

There is often "a feeder" in the house.... the one that does the main part of buying and cooking food.

I think that with any diagnosis of diabetes that if there is a "feeder" in the house then it is important for them to completely get on board with diabetes as well-but more importantly is that the diabetic (if he/she isnt the feeder) to take more input into the buyingand cooming of foods etc.

My mum has become diabetic (dementia bad) since my stepdad started doing all the cooking... he makes constant bread, cakes etc... and he is now the feeder but is making my mum worse with diabetes because she us no longer cooking the healthier foods...

One of my closest friends is a real feeder. She came round the other day for some lunch but brought loads of crisps, sweets etc as a “treat” for me, thinking it would be nice for me to have a bit of “normality” and “time off’ from being so restricted in my food choices. She genuinely thought she was doing a lovely thing. She even brought treats for my cats.

It’s so hard to led them down gently, isn’t it? She had a cheese sandwich for her lunch while I had a big bowl of leaves with Halloumi and olives for mine. I couldn’t eat the crisps anyway because they had milk in and I’m allergic to that, and the packet of Love Hearts came in quite handy later on when I had a bit of a hypo.

 

[Alison Campbell]

I think it is confusing for partners when we eat some treats and not others. Consistency is the key although very few us of are perfect.

Be careful what you wish for, if your wife truly understood her prediabetes and your diabetes she might have concerns about your diet with the shreaded wheat, bread, and treat meals of the most sugary sauce, batter and noodles.

Please remember us with prediabetes rarely get much support at all. God I miss sweet and sour!

 

[lucylocket61]

some of us, including me, can eat some shredded wheat, bread etc. We are all different.

 

[Alexandra100]

Please remember us with prediabetes rarely get much support at all.

YES!!! But I do feel a lot less lonely since I managed to persuade my GP to prescribe me Metformin. I have realised that if I really marshal my evidence and make a good enough case (preferably handing over a printout from Nice guidelines in support) she will listen and be swayed.

 

[rgs2502]

Oh for crying out loud, just cooked a batch of beef casserole up, it has carrots, mushrooms. half a red pepper in, just need some greens. How many potato’s do you want with that. Err none, I’ll have a bit of wholemeal bread thanks. Note to self need to get some more Lidl Protein Rolls in.

 

[rgs2502]

I think it is confusing for partners when we eat some treats and not others. Consistency is the key although very few us of are perfect.

Be careful what you wish for, if your wife truly understood her prediabetes and your diabetes she might have concerns about your diet with the shreaded wheat, bread, and treat meals of the most sugary sauce, batter and noodles.

Please remember us with prediabetes rarely get much support at all. God I miss sweet and sour!

She’s only prediabetic as she is 35kg overweight and has been for 25 years.